What is Compulsory Heterosexuality?
Compulsory Heterosexuality or CompHet is what makes lesbians feel a fake attraction to men, also related to the fact that we’re forced to be in relationships with them despite not wanting to. That happens because as women, we are expected to be attracted to men and the whole society teaches us to believe that ever since we were little, making us many times not even consider that not liking men is completely possible and normal. CompHet doesn’t make any lesbian be less lesbian, it just makes us victims of the patriarchy that sees part of ‘being women’ as being attracted to men and forces us into thinking we are. This is a very harmful and serious experience that should be taken seriously and no lesbian should be shamed for struggling with it. This reality 100% applies to trans lesbians as well, so transmisogynists do not interact. While gays and bisexuals deal with heteronormativity, CompHet is a lesbian experience that explains some of the things we go through as women (or nonbinary people) living under patriarchy while not being attracted to men.
You think you may be experiencing it? Here are a few signs of Compulsory Heterosexuality:
Thinking you are attracted to men, but being able to stop liking them rather easily, like fipping a switch.
“All my friends like these boys so I guess I do too.” // “I’m nervous around this guy so it must mean I like him!”
Thinking you like men, but feeling unhappy when imagining about ever marrying, dating or having sex with them.
Thinking you can’t be lesbian because you think you could survive dating men if you had to.
Dating men to “prove a point”, either to yourself or to others.
Thinking you have to be attracted to men or else you’ll be missing something or you won’t be “complete”.
Running for the hills whenever a guy shows interest in you, even after you thought you liked him as well. Having a crush on men but only until there’s an actual chance you might be together.
You seek validation from men but when they try to interact with you, you feel uncomfortable. Thinking you must be validated or desired by men or else you’re not a worth human being, even though it makes you feel bad.
Feeling that you have to try extra hard to be attracted to men. Not caring about a breakup with men, or only caring because you can’t imagine not being with men and that scares you.
CW: sex, abuse /// only having sex with men if there is an extreme power imbalance. Feeling troubled, nervous or disgusted after you had sex with men. You tease men for validation, but feel disgusted when thinking about actually having sex with them. Only sleeping with men for the relationship’s sake, not because you like it.
Thinking that whatever you feel for women, is much more powerful than anything you’ve ever felt for men.
Having extremely “high standards” for men. And whenever one actually achieves it, you just make it higher so there will be no man as good as “what you want.”
Genuinely wishing you didn’t like men, genuinely wishing you didn’t have to be with men.
“I’m not a lesbian because I’m also attracted to nonbinary people”— that is, in fact, what lesbian is.
Wanting to call yourself lesbian and feeling much happier when you think about being lesbian, but feeling scared to do so for whatever reason.
Constantly bringing up your past relationships with men, thinking it invalidates what you know you feel now and that it means you can’t be a lesbian.
CW: abuse /// thinking you can’t be lesbian because you’ve been abused by men before and have trauma of men.
Thinking you’re fine with being with men only romantically but not sexually, despite being comfortable doing both with women.
These are some signs of dealing with Compulsory Heterosexuality, this is a very real experience that we should talk about more often. Spread the word to help a confused lesbian out there understand themself more.
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