Thrive

[thrivewb-blog]

The only way to get through it is to go through it.

Everyday seems to be a new adventure. I think some people may feel that bipolar is foreign and they couldn’t understand it unless they had it. One way I’ve found for people to have an idea is that everyone has moods, everyone feels the same way that I do at one point or another. It’s just that when I’m in an episode it is the most extreme of that mood. Also, it lasts a longer period of time, in most cases taking over my life or at least the functioning. Unfortunately, I have found that the only way to get through it is to go through it. There seems to be no way to work around it, to take a shortcut or to stop it from happening. The way you learn how to control it and live with it is to go through the episodes and learn how to prevent them from happening again. For some people that takes less time than it took me with far less traumatic events but for others they never get it under control. There are really sad cases of people with bipolar disorder and I am very blessed that even though the struggle was real, it isn’t anymore. My psychiatrist and therapist believe there is no reason I ever have to go back to those times. Even though I am working on not to be so much of a pessimist, I think that’s great but because of what I’ve been though I tend to look at it as a realist. Yes sure, I’m doing so much better and I have all the tools and support I might need but I’ll never be able to truly believe that. Maybe that’s ok because it keeps me grounded in the fact that it’s always there and it’s up to me to make sure that I don’t go back. I am also very blessed that I didn’t go through periods of denying that anything was wrong or refusing to take my medicine, I always knew something was off and wanted help. Even though that wasn’t enough and it still felt like forever until I got it under control it is something that holds a good percent of people with bipolar disorder back from being able to function. I guess the point I’m trying to make in my current rambling is that even though many times having bipolar disorder has felt like a curse, everyone has something that feels like a curse, in varying degrees and specificities and the only way to get through it is to go through it.  

[thrivewb-blog]

A letter from your persistence

Dear Amanda,

This is your persistence. I want you to know that together we have been through a lot. You feel like you missed out on a lot of opportunities to grow in your twenties but you have been through things that many people don’t make it through. You can look back without it being negative and see those things as motivation to move forward. You made it through manic episodes that literally ran through your life like a tornado and left you at rock bottom. Even if it didn’t happen the way you wanted and it felt like forever to pull yourself out, you did. You faced the things that happened to you and things you did with a strength you didn’t see you had. No one and nothing has ever been as hard on you or as destructive to you, as you are to yourself. That has always been a horrible reality to you but there is meaning and reason in even that. At the time it gave you the strength to face things you never would’ve thought you could. You did two separate rounds of Electroconvulsive Therapy for gods sake. Before things got so bad and before you went through so many unimaginable things, you couldn’t have been forced to do that but you did it willingly both times because deep down you knew that your life depended on it. You went through the pain of losing people you loved to a disorder you couldn’t control and often had no idea what you had done. You were an empty shell floating up and down, manic or depressed, for the longest time. You felt guilty all the time for things you didn’t know that you did. That is true pain, how do you take responsibility for something you have no recollection of? When you are manic and you haven’t eaten, slept or been normal in any way for days it is really hard to keep track of who you are let alone what you do. When you came down and had to try to figure it out, you would plummet into the deepest rock bottom depression and have painful ptsd flashbacks of things you couldn’t believe happened and actually feel them happening. The invincible feeling of mania or self medicating had kept you from that pain, your brain shut down in self preservation. The grand delusions come back to haunt you and guess what Amanda, it still didn’t compare to the guilt and hatred you had for yourself so- you got through that too. My question is how do you finally realize how strong you really are, how far you’ve come and after real stability- can you let go of the self hatred and move forward with your life? When do you realize that you don’t need that rock bottom survival mode anymore and now you get to find yourself, you get to thrive and have a life again. Just in case you are scared, that strength and persistence isn’t going anywhere. You have the tools you need to set it aside and move forward to truly thrive with bipolar disorder and not be held back by it. It is just something you have, not what you are, that Amanda is up to you. Just do it, just thrive, you earned it. 

Love always, Your Persistence 

I learned about this exercise from the Rachel Hollis Made for More movie. I thought oh please I won’t fill up one notebook page of writing a letter to myself from my persistence. Turns out I filled up 4 and I couldn’t have come up with some of it if I had been writing it to myself. Very interesting, looking forward to her next book. 

[stayprettyandsmile]

You’re doing the best you can

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directions

I’m at a strange place in my life right now. I have more control over my life and what I do with it than I ever have but I only feel lost. Not the lost in depression, out in space type of lost or even the scared I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself lost. It’s the I’ve never done this, I don’t know what I want type of feels. I do, admittedly feel confident in my ability to move forward, just that I don’t have much history with that yet. I stayed stuck for a really long time, some days that pushes me forward and others makes me want to take a nap. I feel like I might have a good idea of what could work, starting out. I think taking steps, whether they work out or not would be a good self confidence builder. In the past I always felt the opposite, unless I knew it was going to go well I shouldn’t even try. When I started pushing myself I saw that even if things went bad, I was glad I did it anyway and was stronger for it. I got so used to trying to protect myself from something bad happening that there was nothing happening. It’s frustrating trying to have a life after you honestly didn’t for a very long time. So yea it’s weird but lifes weird and I’m finding it’s best just to go with it. I’m not fighting it, struggling, trying, giving up-I’m just doing it. Everyday I’m just waking up and doing it. 

[abcdefg2789-deactivated20201122]

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.

Mark Twain  (via atomiclanterns)

[meredithbklyn]

This is the thing: When you hit your mid-20s, everything begins to divide. You can see very clearly two kinds of people. On one side, people who have used their 20s to learn and grow, to find … themselves and their dreams, people who know what works and what doesn’t, who have pushed through to become real live adults. Then there’s the other kind, who are hanging onto college, or high school even, with all their might. They’ve stayed in jobs they hate, because they’re too scared to get another one. They’ve stayed with men or women who are good but not great, because they don’t want to be lonely. … they mean to develop intimate friendships, they mean to stop drinking like life is one big frat party. But they don’t do those things, so they live in an extended adolescence, no closer to adulthood than when they graduated. Don’t be like that. Don’t get stuck. Move, travel, take a class, take a risk. There is a season for wildness and a season for settledness, and this is neither. This season is about becoming. Don’t lose yourself at happy hour, but don’t lose yourself on the corporate ladder either. Stop every once in a while and go out to coffee or climb in bed with your journal. Ask yourself some good questions like: “Am I proud of the life I’m living? What have I tried this month? … Do the people I’m spending time with give me life, or make me feel small? Is there any brokenness in my life that’s keeping me from moving forward?” Now is your time. Walk closely with people you love, and with people who believe … life is a grand adventure. Don’t get stuck in the past, and don’t try to fast-forward yourself into a future you haven’t yet earned. Give today all the love and intensity and courage you can, and keep traveling honestly along life’s path.

Relevant magazine (via charliebravo)

[lalalaadrienne-deactivated20210]

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Is this real?

  Today I woke from some strange lucid (very real,detailed) dreams. I felt disoriented and not sure what was reality and what was a dream. I also realized/remembered how many years I spent feeling like that all day, all week, all month, all those years. My psychiatrist as likened my experience with bipolar disorder as falling asleep and waking up 10 years later. I felt like I was waking up trying to figure out how to be 30, being lost in the grips of a mental disorder is very disorienting. I felt like I missed out on my 20s, that I was so behind everyone my age because I wasn’t able to go through all the trying and failing and figuring life out. How was I supposed to move forward in life without starting over and feeling so behind? It took therapy, it took coming to understand what others could see and what my therapist had to convince me of. I had figured something out, it had not all been a waste of my time and now I was lost, behind and wouldn’t be able to catch up. I figured out, although it seemed like it took way too much time to do it, how to live and thrive with a disorder that I will have my entire life. There is no cure or magic medicine that can make it go away but that doesn’t mean it can’t and doesn’t get better. I also don’t have the answers or the cure for bipolar disorder. The tricky thing about mental disorders is there is no one cure or medicine that works for everyone. It is a journey you have to go on, a lot of the time alone to figure out what works for you. Once you do though, once you can get even a small amount of control over something that has had control over your life, there is nothing like it. No experience with jobs, relationships or things I felt like I missed out on in my 20s could compare to getting my life back. It took a long time to get to that realization to stop living in the past wishing things were different, which often left me in depression. It took everything I’ve been through to get to where I am now. I tend to beat myself up and not give myself credit but I do have to acknowledge that I am doing better than I ever have before. It’s not a waking dream anymore, it’s real stability and I get to chose what comes next. 

[thrivewb-blog]

I read this quote a long time ago when building the new seemed so impossible. I realized that a lot of the time I was focused on fighting the old, which left me just fighting. Not moving forward and building the new. It really stuck with me and will pop into my head when I’m struggling with how to move forward. It happened earlier today while playing with my nephew, I couldn’t remember the exact quote but a few words and the feeling it gave me the first time I read it. My favorite thing about quotes is that you can learn something life changing, something that touches you and stays with you always, in just a few sentences. That is powerful, Socrates wrote this in what feels like forever ago and all this time later it touches my soul. Helping me see I need to stop fighting the old and build on the new. I have quotes tattooed on my body, that have been so valuable to my sanity in some really tough times. I’ll share those with you and the reasons that, what some people see as silly tattoos, are lessons I most needed to learn. They are badges similar to the ones I earned in Girl Scouts as a young girl, they earned their place on my body. Each day, regardless of where I might be or what is going on- I have them there to remind me of what I know is true and what will keep me moving forward. 

[explorecroatia]

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This painting, Starry Night, has always spoke to me. I have had it up in my room for years. I think this image is so great, coffee is the only thing that got me out of bed in the morning when I was depressed. If I had looked down and seen this it would’ve been amazing. 

[cwote]

Everything is temporary.

[sadiepickles]

Moving forward with Recovery by accomplishing small tasks and errands and not laying in bed all day

[attndotcom]

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Intro.

  Living with bipolar disorder isn’t easy, it took me ten years to get to how well I am doing now and still most days are a struggle. I think using this blog to look back on the things I went through to get here and being grateful for the fact that even though so much of it was painful, I know that I wouldn’t be here without it. It is a difficult disorder to live with, getting stable and doing the best I have in a very long time comes with it’s own set of challenges. Going through some of the things I never thought would happen to me has really humbled me to the fact that everyone struggles and I honor that. I believe that making someone feel like things aren’t as hard for them because they don’t have bipolar disorder is dismissing their pain and that is hurtful. Also, I think that came from having it done to me as well. That popular phrase of you don’t know what it’s like or it’s so much harder for me because of this, is bullshit. Struggle is struggle, so I am not writing this for only people with bipolar disorder but to everyone who struggles. You are not alone and it will get better if you just keep going. Even if it takes 10 years, there is nothing more worth it than getting your life back and control over what you want to do with it. I did not have control over for my life for a very long time and it was very frustrating, leaving me often feeling defeated and hopeless. I don’t want to write a blog about what I went through and all the heartbreaking trials because I already fight awful flashbacks and anxiety from those times. I want to write a blog that encourages people to continue to fight; to see that everyone is going through something. The best way to be there for someone is to ask if they are ok and to truly listen. So often there is nothing more that you can do and trust me I know that had to have been frustrating for the people that love me. Asking someone honestly how they are doing whether or not they tell you, lets them know that you care and they are not alone. That small act can save a life. I am very blessed to have a big family and support system that has surrounded me and done their best to be there for me. It honestly scares me to think of where I might be without them. I am a huge fan of inspirational quotes, so they will be a big part of this blog. My intention is to give the people in my life but also anyone it reaches an idea of what moving toward three years of stability with bipolar disorder looks like. It always appears better than it is on social media and from afar but having a day-to-day glance into what I live with can be both eye opening and encouraging. I continue to do better thanks to the right medications, great therapist and the love of a good support system but it doesn’t mean that I’m “all better now.”It means that finally things clicked into place and I was able to use everything I learned and went through to fight my way through it. Day by day I get stronger and see just how good my life can be if I just keep moving forward. My name is Amanda and I have bipolar disorder. I am happy to say that I am thriving, even on the days it feels like I’m not. 

Nice to meet you. :)

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