Kiana Khansmith
let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open
d e v o n
tumblr dot com
almost home
occasionally subtle
Cosmic Funnies
KIROKAZE
Misplaced Lens Cap
styofa doing anything
Show & Tell
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Cosimo Galluzzi
Stranger Things
cherry valley forever
if i look back, i am lost
noise dept.
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
titsay
ojovivo
seen from Malaysia
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@throughivyseyes
While you are trying to change the world, please remember this You may never change the whole entire world for the better, but you may very well change someone's whole entire world for the better, and that, sunshine, is an amazing feat, is it not?
I’m sitting up in bed, next to my girlfriend. She is fast asleep. She works nights. I didn’t sleep well last night, I should really be asleep with her… I can’t sleep though. I’m having nightmares again. I don’t remember them. Be all accounts, I should be excited. Today is my first day of testing for autism. I can’t stop thinking about the losses this year has brought though. You wouldn’t…
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Too Early To Think, Oh Yeah And Autism
It’s 6:30 am. I’ve been up for an hour because I had to use the bathroom and my mind started racing immediately… This is a pretty normal deal, often once u am up I am up, or on the opposite end, there is no getting me up lol I’m not even sure what I’m thinking about right now. Many of the thoughts are racing too fast. I have my first of 5 appointments on Friday for autism testing. The thing is,…
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Anxiety and blogging
I have been neglecting to write on here, even avoiding it actively, more than a few times. My anxiety has been through the roof. My life feels like it had fallen apart around me and I’m trying to put the pieces together. I miss the hell out of writing on here and reading the blogs I was reading and the fantastic conversations that have been had with you guys. I’ve been following up on the…
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Ivy, where'd you go?
Ivy, where’d you go?
Hi sunshines! I love you and I miss you. I’ve been having a really hard time lately in my personal life, and I’ve kind of caved into this terrible spiral resulting in a pretty dramatic isolation. I don’t have a job currently, and I think at some point my brain broke, and now, it “can’t even.” I’ve learned a lot about autism over the last month. It’s about the only thing I study right now. I’ve…
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Sitting Next To You
Sitting Next To You
Sitting Next To You By: Ivy Willow I sit next to you A whole galaxy of understanding just inches away I look bored you say Let’s watch Supernatural you say You don’t wait for an answer That’s fine, because you would be waiting too long It’s been hours since I could form any meaningful words My mouth has been clamped shut The screams for help born in my brain are so loud I wonder Will you be able…
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Euphoria - By Suzanne Marie Calvin-Yim©
Euphoria – By Suzanne Marie Calvin-Yim©
A single bubble escaped my right nostril, swimming in haste to the water’s surface, as if gasping. I closed my eyes. She was right, that synchronized swimmer I’d overheard in the locker room. “Sometimes we lay on the bottom of the pool. It’s actually relaxing.” I could’ve drifted off to sleep. My heartbeat, remarkably slow, was pounding everywhere. In my scalp. My temples. My eyeballs. My…
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Thin-skinned PC culture
So, I advocate for “political correctness”, or as I like to call it common decency. I’m also called, like all others who advocate for PC, thin-skinned. I’m constantly told I’m taking things too harshly and being too sensitive. Here’s where that gets me though. I’m saying “be respectful please, utilize these words”, and people lose their mind over it. Stop policing my language, I’ll say what I…
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Really bad memory
growing up, I thought for a long time, actually up until adulthood, that my brother’s birthday was on October 31. I couldn’t get it through my head otherwise. Well not only was I wrong about the day, but about the month as well. I have spent my children’s entire lives trying to remember their birthdays. The twins I have been the worst with. I still can’t accurately say the day. I get stuck…
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Internal Blog Struggle - Anonymity
Internal Blog Struggle – Anonymity
I’m pretty sure I’ve written about this before, but 300+ posts later, and I can’t be certain. Plus, it’s on my mind anyway, so why the hell not right? I have thought a lot, back and forth, about whether to keep this blog anonymous or not. I mean, it’s kind of on a shoe string in terms of anonymity in the first place. There are several of my readers that I know offline, who I’ve expressly told…
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When Suicidal Thoughts Are A Normal Part Of Your Life
When Suicidal Thoughts Are A Normal Part Of Your Life
I would love to know what it’s like to not have suicidal thoughts for any extended period of time, but I don’t. My mind doesn’t handle things well and a bad day quickly spirals. It’s not necessarily that I all out want to die most days, it’s just that my mind decides that that’s the best possible decision considering the circumstances. I have to fight myself most of the time and it can happen…
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Dear Humanity,
#live #love #DearHumanity #WeAreBetterThanWeThink #LiveInLove #HippyKid #LifeIsBeautiful
I love you, I do. You are beautiful and kind. Those are your main attributes. Your ugly and cruel speaks loudly, not because it’s your most prominent feature, as you think it is, but rather because it’s something that you don’t like about yourself. You call out the negative in you to work toward getting rid of it, and holy crap, what a job you have done! You are at a utopian level of peace…
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12 years in hell
No one thought that Galileo was crazy, and everyone in Columbus's day knew that the earth was round
No one thought that Galileo was crazy, and everyone in Columbus’s day knew that the earth was round
Here’s a good read sunshines ^.^
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Respectability politics
I’m generally nice because I want to be, but I do want to say something about respectability politics. Trans people get thrown under the bus, murdered, misgendered, dead named, threatened, told to commit suicide, humiliated and treated like shit intentionally an unintentionally from enemies and allies alike, but we are supposed to be as sensitive as possibly about everyone else’s feelings! I…
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Taboos: Incest
I love musing about taboos. Why are they taboos? Why are they considered wrong? I don't see why any conversation or topic should be off limits. So, with that said, something I've been musing on for a while now is this: Is there anything inherently wrong with incest? I know it's gross to a lot of people, and I know a lot of knee jerk reactions are "Of course there is! Why would you even ask that?" I mean, I'm still even in that camp, but, for the sake of conversation, let's hold those knees down. Now, to clarify, I'm not talking about or including any interplay that can happen with different dynamics. I'm not talking about power dynamics that could be totally fucked up and/or controlling or anything else like that. I'm stripping this conversation down to the bare bones dynamics of siblings or other family members dating. There's something to be said about the reproduction side of things. Yes, there are higher possibilities of genetic problems if you were to procreate incestually, but, does that disqualify the relationship and make it immoral? If the relationship is one of consent between adults, why must we deem it incorrect? I think that, perhaps, as a whole, incest is considered wrong because of social moores, rather than any inherent problems. Throught history there have been many cases of incest in a variety of different groups and nationalities of peoples. Ultimately, truth be told, incest grosses me out, but then again, so do golden showers, but hey... whatever floats your boat if it's consensual, right? If there's another taboo subject you want me to cover, let me know in the comments below! Have a beautiful day sunshines, and take gentle care of yourselves.
My ventriloquist is finally gone (Silence and sadness)
When I was 17, I first started voice training so that I didn't have a super masculine voice when I transitioned. Before I started, I had a voice deeper than a lot of other boys and men. I had always been mortified by it, and the closer I got to realizing that I needed to transition, the more helpless, sad and disgusted I felt. I figured from the bat that it would never work (cause I'm totally optimistic like that), but decided to try anyway, because fuck it. It finally got to the point where I just simply could not stand my voice anymore. It was one of the most hated parts of me, right up there with my height and a penis. When I spoke... It was my words, but it wasn't my voice. It was as if I were the dummy, and a ghost ventriloquist was speaking for me. It was disturbing and sad at best, and worthy of suicidal feelings at worst. So... I just stopped talking. I wouldn't do it. No matter how important it was, I would not say shit around anyone. I didn't want them to hear my ventriloquist. So I wrote. I wrote what I needed to say, and that was that. Of course, most people wouldn't talk to me, called me dramatic, rolled their eyes, and just kind of left me in the dust. There was one person though... See, I was in the youth homeless shelter at the time. My case worker is quite easily one of the best and most helpful influences in my life. She got me to get my GED, she got me to feel like I was worthy enough to transition. She helped me through everything thick and thin. She was always there, no matter how trivial or overwhelming the problem seemed to me, and she just listened. She knew how much I hated my voice and when I stopped talking She wrote with me. She would reply to things by writing. She took the time out of her day for that entire month. She encouraged me to do what I needed to do, but also warned me about getting stuck in the trap of despair I was setting myself up for. She showed the good in the bad, and understood when I showed the bad in the good. After that month, I finally started talking again, and it was helpful I think, just to get away from it for a while (wouldn't it be nice to have height you could vary and a detachable penis so you could get away from it for a while too?) I spent four or five years training my voice to get to the point I am at now. I take pride in what I've accomplished. I still linger in the idea that my voice is too low, but I never have issues over the phone, and when someone who does not know I'm trans thinks I am, my voice is often what throws them off and figure they're wrong. I needed that break in speaking, but I'm so glad that I didn't continue it as a long term thing. I would have never been able to have the voice I have now. It was fucking hard. It hurt. Retraining my vocal cords was so incredibly painful. When I first started, I could talk for about 2 or 3 minutes before my throat started hurting. Now it's the exact opposite. When I pull out my parlor trick (which is not very often, probably 3 times in ten years) it hurts so quickly. I've worked incredibly hard to get to the point that I am at today with me. My self esteem still blows, and I don't have a good self view, but no one ever misgenders me anymore. I've had lots of guys hit on me and flirt with me for better or for worse (why can't women do this? Please? lol) I've done good for myself, and I have to admit it to myself rather than constantly drag me down. My voice was the single hardest thing to change, as far as where I am at in transition today. It took a long time, but I fucking did it, an I don't wish to be silent anymore. My ventriloquist is gone. Thank you for reading sunshines, have a beautiful day!
