Dealing With My Anxious Mind.

[soracities]

“It’s summer now, and you’re craving a simpler existence. You want to read. You want to write. You want to meet strangers for dinner, and not refuse another drink at another bar. You want to dance. You want to find yourself in a basement, neck loose, bobbing your head as a group of musicians play, not because they should, but because they must. It’s summer now, and you’re looking forward to worrying less. You’re looking forward to longer nights and shorter days. You’re looking forward to gathering in back gardens and watching meat sputter on an open barbecue. You’re looking forward to laughing so hard your chest hurts and you feel light-headed. You’re looking forward to the safety in pleasure. You’re looking forward to forgetting, albeit briefly, the existential dread which plagues you, which tightens your chest, which pains your left side. You’re looking forward to forgetting that, leaving the house, you might not return intact. You’re looking forward to freedom, even if it is short, even if it might not last. You’re looking forward.”

— Caleb Azumah Nelson, Open Water

[tinajeena]

I guess this day belongs to travelling

After my Scotland trip fell thru and after I finished crying about it lol, I noticed something that made me stop for a second.

On this exact day last year, I was in Russia. On this exact day two years ago, I was in Dubai. And on this exact day three years ago, I was in Canada.

It's so strange how the same date can carry completely different memories.

This year, I'm still here in the UK, trying to get thru my master's with no money, no time and a cancelled trip that honestly broke my heart a little more than I'd like to admit :'))

But looking back at some of the photos made me realize how kind life has actually been to me :)

Somehow, every year, it's given me another place to fall in love with, another city to get lost in, another version of myself I'd never met before. None of it felt certain when it was happening. I never knew where I'd end up next. Yet somehow, I always did.

Maybe that's why, even after all the disappointment this past week, I can't help but believe that this isn't the end of my travelling days. It's just one summer that didn't go the way I imagined.

For now, I'll finish my degree, save whatever I can and keep dreaming a little. Because if there's one thing the last few years have taught me, it's that life has a funny habit of putting me on a plane when I least expect it haha

So... maybe not today. But hopefully, soon tehe. 🤍

[tinajeena]

Oh, Canada

It's strange how time works.

It's been exactly two years since I said goodbye to Canada, probably for the last time. I never thought I'd look back this often but every now and then, a random memory quietly finds its way back to me.

Sometimes I miss the emptiness.

The endless fields. The roads where you could drive for what felt like forever without seeing another person, just you, your playlist and trees that somehow knew how to put on the most beautiful show every September. Those fiery orange and golden leaves made even the ordinary drives feel magical. Then came the winters with tiny snow covered hills hugging the roads, followed by spring, where black ice would still somehow remind you that winter wasn't quite done with you yet.

I even miss dressing like an absolute hooligan because nobody cared. Hair tied up in the most questionable bun, oversized hoodie and no makeup, looking like I had given up on life... and somehow that was completely acceptable. Nobody looked twice and neither did I. There was something oddly comforting about that freedom.

I miss driving to my favourite takeaway spots after work. I miss my friends, who would always call exactly five minutes before picking me up, as if five minutes was all anyone ever needed. It became an unspoken rule that if they were coming, I had exactly five minutes to become presentable which usually meant putting on shoes and hoping for the best because makeup was never making the cut.

More than anything, I miss the people.

The friends who became family without even trying. Colleagues who celebrated every little win with me and never let me feel alone on the hard days. Flatmates who sat through my overthinking, my homesickness, my endless rants and somehow still chose to make tea and laugh with me afterwards. Looking back now, I realise how incredibly lucky I was. Some people only pass through your life for a few years but somehow leave footprints that never really disappear.

Canada was also where life quietly introduced me to adulthood.

My first proper "big girl" bank job. My first rented home. My first car (still very proud that it was brand new). The first time I ever lived thousands of miles away from my family. Learning that there was, in fact, a whole world beyond Maggi and teaching myself how to survive, cook, budget, fail, figure things out and do it all over again.

There were so many firsts that happened there. I'm sure I've forgotten half of them now... old age memory, you know lol

People are always surprised when I say this because I spent years complaining about Canada. The weather was brutal, life wasn't always easy and I was always convinced I didn't belong there.

But maybe you don't have to love a place for it to change your life.

Looking back now, I realise I don't necessarily miss Canada.

I miss the version of me that grew there.

The girl who was scared but kept going anyway. The girl who slowly learned to rely on herself. The girl who discovered that home isn't always a place sometimes it's a collection of people, ordinary moments, late night drives, autumn leaves, shared meals and countless little memories you don't realise you're making until they're all you have left.

Canada gave me more than I ever gave it.

It gave me resilience, independence, friendships I'll treasure forever and a version of myself I didn't know I was capable of becoming.

And although there were difficult days more than a few, I feel incredibly grateful that when I look back today, it's the good memories that come rushing in first.

Maybe that's what time does.

It quietly softens the edges of the hard days and leaves behind the moments that made your heart feel full.

Canada will always hold a piece of mine. 🤍

[faustique]

soul card never declines

[feastuponthis]

[i-have-good-taste]

[tinajeena]

The Weight You Asked For

There were days so empty they echoed, rooms full of time and no one calling your name.

You sat with silence like it was something personal, like loneliness had chosen you on purpose.

You called it a “wasted life” just because it was quiet

Now look your calendar is screaming, your phone won’t stop blinking, your promises have multiplied like they didn’t come from you.

Because they did.

You said yes to feel needed. You said yes to not feel small. You said yes because “maybe this fixes it.”

And now every yes sits on your chest like it never learned how to breathe.

You want out but not in a way that disappoints. You want rest, but not in a way that looks like failure.

So you stretch yourself thinner, call it “being responsible,” call it “adulthood,” call it anything but what it is

fear dressed up as commitment.

Here’s the uncomfortable truth: you weren’t empty before, just unfamiliar with stillness.

And you’re not overwhelmed now because life is unfair you’re overwhelmed because you tried to outrun yourself by becoming everything at once.

Time didn’t betray you. It just showed you that you don’t know how to sit in either extreme.

Not the quiet. Not the noise.

And maybe that’s the real work not fixing loneliness, not conquering busyness,

but learning how to exist without turning either into a crisis.

[thememedaddy]

[tinajeena]

I think I have been disappearing in slow motion my whole life. Not dramatically but just quietly, like breath on cold glass. I grew up believing love was a room I already belonged to, but somehow I am always standing near the door, holding my own hands so no one notices they are empty. My parents are alive and that is a blessing I carry carefully but what is the shape of a blessing when you cannot rest your head in it at night? Distance stretches like a punishment no one explains. I left to build a life, and instead I built an ache. Friends once knew the softest parts of me. We promised forever the way children promise without understanding how fragile forever is. Now their lives move on without my shadow in them. I scroll past proof that I was replaceable. Tell me, how do you grieve people who are still alive? How do you mourn friendships that did not die, but simply chose a world where you were unnecessary? I search myself like a wound, wondering what defect makes love loosen its grip. Was I too heavy to hold? Too honest? Too hungry for something that was never mine? And sometimes I think about the grandparents I never had not with longing, but with suspicion. Would their hands have rested on my head or hovered politely above it? Would love have finally chosen me, or would I still be the extra chair at a crowded table? I am tired of being grateful and grieving in the same breath. Tired of carrying a heart that keeps asking if it was born only to endure. If this is life, why does it feel like I am rehearsing it alone learning my lines in an empty room, waiting for someone to say, “You were never meant to survive this quietly.”

[sadgirlstitches]

[duke-bane]

My stupid puppy life

[tinajeena]

Hold the Last Bite

Recently, I had warm bread in my hands, and warm roti that puffed up like pride soft, golden, almost breathing.

Seven years away from home and I still cook first, clean first, wipe the counters, fold the cloth, so I can eat in peace. So no one can say I left a mess behind.

I have always been the one who takes the burnt edge, the crust, the bad sides of the pizza chewing through the rough so I can save the soft middle for last.

I call it patience. I call it discipline. But maybe it is just habit this art of postponing joy.

I save the best bite like a goodbye. I save the best dress for an occasion that never quite arrives.

Somewhere between childhood n 28, I became careful. Careful with happiness. Careful with noise. Careful with wanting too much.

I used to think growing up meant freedom late nights, loud laughter, wearing silk just because

Now it feels like standing in a clean kitchen, hands smelling of soap, bread cooling on the table, telling myself “I’ll enjoy it properly later.”

But later is slippery. Later forgets to knock.

And I wonder what if the best part was never meant to be saved? What if the soft center was always mine to bite into first?

At 28, finally grown, I am learning how to sit down before everything is perfect. How to eat the warm roti while it’s still warm.

How to wear the dress even if the only witness is me.

[perfeqt]

“Forget what you were, and look forward to what you could be.”

— Nicole Sager

[latelyimanervouswreck]

Im thinking about suicide a lot these days

[free-my-mindd]

Forgive yourself

[oldgayjew]

Very wise words ...

[paper-wounds]

[quotefeeling]

“Working on myself, by myself, for myself.”

— Unknown

[perrfectly]

Source