Yea. I've felt this way for years now, honestly. My motivation has been dead for so long for so many reasons. Number one main reason, my childhood dog's death. It's been 2 years since his death and I still haven't been the same since. To be honest, I'm NEVER gonna be the same. I'm NEVER gonna get over his death. When he died, I died. I lost so much of the self I used to be. I know I shouldn't let grief consume me, but i can't forget about it. It still fucking hurts. Second reason, my mental health. It hasn't been the best these past couple of years, I will admit. Dealing with depression, anxiety, PTSD and chronic fatigue has taken a toll on me. I'm shocked I'm even still living. Again, my dog dying AND the state of the world right now(especially in my dumbass country) hasn't helped this at all. It's exhausting. Don't get me wrong, I watch or do other things that give me happiness to take my mind offa shit, but that only lasts for so long, y'know? Third, algorithms. That's one thing I hate about the internet nowadays. If yer inactive for too long, or not following trends, or not popular asf in general, you'll get screwed by the algorithm. Sometimes yer stuff doesn't even get out to yer followers. Fourth, when Tumblr terminated my acc. last year. I'm still pissed from that. Not only was that termination pointless, but it took so long to get it back. That genuinely made me not wanna return to this site ever again. And final reason, I just can't enjoy it anymore. Drawing used to be fun to me, but then it started feeling like a chore. And I think another thing that plays into this role so much is me tryna be a perfectionist AND burning myself out in the process. It was a bitch to even draw the sketch for this post. I remember how fun it was showing my art to people irl and online. But then I got overwhelmed with people requesting me to draw them stuff all the time, focusing too much on numbers online, and getting frustrated at my art not looking "good" enough. I've gotten so used to drawing only for others instead of my own self. I've stressed myself out over not uploading everyday on here & plenty of other platforms in the past. Everyday was like "You need to draw! Hey! Put something out there or yer gonna lose yer audience! The people are getting impatient, post something! Stop procrastinating! Draw! They don't care about yer ocs, keep uploading fanart to keep 'em engaged! Hey! Upload! Upload! Upload!". These thoughts plagued my head constantly. And the more I thought like this & the more i tried to make myself draw, the more I pushed away/didn't want to. Weeks would go by, then months, then years, and I still wouldn't draw. I've sketched & doodled here & there, but I'd either stop after one doodle/or give up on 'em immediately. I think this vid perfectly explains how I've been feeling https://youtu.be/3uAopGJe8zA?si=qVb7r1ifIC57Wr50. I miss drawing, but I think the only way to get back in the mood again is to just take a break. I need to focus on myself. I need to draw for myself. No numbers, no worrying about my inactivity, no overthinking. So, consider this a hiatus. Now, even tho I won't be here posting, that doesn't mean I'll completely be gone. I'll prolly still be lurking around, changing my tumblr themes from time to time, going on @grumpy-roo to like & reblog posts. I might check my notifs & messages, but I can't keep any promises on that. If I ever have any new art, you'll see it eventually. I'm also thinking of making a Spacehey acc. & a Neocities, but idk when that'll happen. I'll let y'all know with any future updates. So, if anyone sees this, I'm signing off. Till next time. ✌🏾
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