sugar

If I was the moon, would you still look for the stars?

[tiredofmyoldname]

✨Intro Post✨

Matching blog themes with my twin @immortal-bcz-i-have-plot-armour (GO FOLLOW HER SHES COOL AS FUCK)

the aesthetic opposite of nonchalance

16 and dying slowly 💕

DNI List: I'm a minor. I'm cool with being moots and shit but if you're a horny weirdo who doesn't understand human decency don't dm me asking for nudes, you're getting blocked. other than that, I don't really care. Basically everyone else is welcome.

[tiredofmyoldname]

How my nights been so far

I was texting several ppl at once till we all stopped talking. Then I doomscrolled for an hour until I gave up and tried to sleep. Then I cried for an hour and a half straight. Then I sat on the edge of my bed staring into the air. Then I went to the kitchen and ate almost half a loaf of plain bread. Then I drank some water. Then I went back to my room and lied in bed looping дерево by кино while crying yet again. Then I got tired so in my exhaustion i went to the kitchen to get my last bottle of vodka, one of them little ones (id been saving it for a rough night or sum) and went to my room. Then I listened to more music and sat on my bed sipping straight vodka. I hate how my joints hurt when I move, but I like how it burns the back of my throat a little bit when I drink it.

I cant sleep

All I want is a hug

[tiredofmyoldname]

you know, I really did love him this time

[tiredofmyoldname]

Genuinely sobbing bc I love central asian and eastern european food sm but i cant have any and my feed for all my social media is all just food someone comfort me

[livi-loo2]

if summer is ending why am i still depressed

[tiredofmyoldname]

isolation of the soul

[droideplane]

Pass these roses on to your moots!

@isis-of-the-moon, @velvtmist, @roxashcherbakova, @urladystardust, @sodahushes, @girlnextdoor-777, @whimsygirl7, @graveyarddoll444, @tiredofmyoldname, @missjadeswonderland, @waitingfortrackseven, @shegeekery, @delyth88, @jonquilclegane, @iputhepinprincess, @pisces-core, @cinnamxneyes, @cailin-ciuin, @pinkpondofasgard, @of-asgaard, @eek-a-tron, @thearunadragon

[tiredofmyoldname]

@livi-loo2 @aamtreeanalogy @idontknowwhatimdoingpleasehelpah @immortal-bcz-i-have-plot-armour @iktaraaa @idontlikeschool @icecreamango @amxxys @alpaulazolam @mischievous-archeologist @mitxg25 @ladykillerzsstuff @guillerl13 @gloomishdollette @cherrr1ly @catlover8600 @theladywitdacookies @tangerinecherry @pinkcottonberry @pixilatedannoyance @psychedelic-charm @diary-of-a-desperate-teen @datgirlinthemiddle @dreamyy-wisterias @goldwngedangel @jerseyshoremassacre @sallythatgurl6444 @screamingnoodl @esepaputinmisterioso @lilithwildrose @luminalsstuff @willnessacry @blackhairbigheart @postwarglamourgirl @urfavnative @oldfarmerbillswife @onsa-pintada @fervi-g @hoplesslydevotedd @he11-g1rl @hibiscusbabyboy @zashpo @voyagezofagoldengoosex0 @nolamelly @namisnam @neodith @nyxaluna

[tiredofmyoldname]

Modesty

Mama always acts like its my fault I look good in clothes. I put on a black jumpsuit today, one I thrifted and fell in love with. So comfortable. Everything was covered up. It wasn't tight. And you know what mama said? 《You cant wear that outside the house. It looks suggestive.》 It doesn't.

Same thing with dresses too. I have this green dress I used to like. It looks good on me and I know it. Its not short, below the knee, collar above the collarbone, sleeves to the elbows. A-line, light green with gold buttons. I dont like wearing it anymore, because every time I wear it, its the same comment. 'You have such a good figure for dresses!' 'Be modest,' with a disapproving nod. It IS modest. Im not trying to call attention to myself. Do I have a good figure, as mama says? Yeah, sure. But that's not my fault.

I've come to hate the word вызывающие. Provocative. They tell me constantly not to lead men into sin, but im not doing anything wrong. Im an appropriately dressed teenage girl. And that's not my fault. Dont put others' lustful eyes onto me.

I dont even feel pretty in cute dresses anymore. I only feel like myself in wide jeans and an oversized sweater. Im not trying to provoke anyone. I just wish she'd let me exist without acting like im gonna become some sort of sex symbol. Im not even that pretty.

[tiredofmyoldname]

Ykw theres nothing wrong with falling asleep to the voice of my king my goat absolute legend viktor tsoi two nights in a row ts reminds me of the days past

[tiredofmyoldname]

Fighting the depressive episode by renovating and working out for 2 hours a day instead of 1

Its not working ngl

[tiredofmyoldname]

vent

I feel so empty... Lonely. Just incredibly lonely. I know theres people who care about me, or at least pretend to, but I dont think anyone will last long. No one ever does.

I think im too much for people. Or perhaps too little. I crave attention, connection, SOMETHING to fill the emptiness inside me. I keep giving my whole honest heart to people but no one wants it.

I feel like a crayon left in the sun, soul spilling out of my waxy paper flesh. And not even a fun color. Dirty grey that's been at the bottom of the box for years.

I have hopes, dreams or whatever but I dont believe I'll ever accomplish them. I dont believe I deserve to be happy, even if i work towards it. I dont deserve anything, really, im a shit person. Unstable. Emotional. Awkward. Selfish. Jealous. Narcissistic. I am an oathbreaker by nature. No, not nature. I just became this way, somehow. I dont know where I went wrong.

I want to talk to God but Im afraid. Im afraid because I haven't talked to Him in a long time. I think I could feel loved, with Him, but... I dont think He'll forgive me for all the things ive done. Im scared to talk to Him. He knows everything bout me, EVERYTHING. I can pretend to be a good person for other people, but not God Himself.

I had a vision when I was young. I saw the second coming of Christ. Back then I wasn't tainted yet. I wasn't afraid. If I had died on that day, I would've been in heaven, I know it. But now, I would burn in hell. I would. I am chief among sinners. I've done unforgivable things in my life. I have a list of my Sins in my Notes app. I know I'll burn in hell for the things ive done, and I'll deserve it when it comes.

... im scared.

I regret the way ive lived my life. I am young, but ive already lost everything valuable id ever had. Nothing made it better. No matter what I do.

I chase temporary dopamine rushes constantly, just trying to simulate joy. It's not that the happiness I feel is fake, no. Its real. But happiness without fulfillment means nothing once the serotonin high is gone.

All of it. I try to drown out the feeling of emptiness all the time. Anything to make it feel better. Adrenaline. Sugar. Nicotine. Alcohol. Fire. It all leaves me empty inside. Nothing works. My soul is lonely. Temporary chemical rushes aren't fulfilling. I honestly think only God could fill that emptiness, but I dont know how. I think ive lost Him forever. I regret it. I wish I could go back, start over.

This is hopelessness, I think. I just want to be free. Im wasting my life away, but the only meaningful way to live it is... gone. I cant do this.

I hate this body im trapped in. I stare into the mirror and just see this animal, this meaty itching breathing THING that's tainted my eternal soul. I hate it, and it hates .e equally. I go through relentless cycles of eating too much and then nothing at all, burning and cutting open my hands, becoming hyperfixated on my appearance, constantly trying to chance this meatsuit to make it feel more like home. It continues to feel foreign.

I was never meant to be loved, was I.

I guess i cant help it.

[tiredofmyoldname]

maybe i really am js desperate for human connection

[tiredofmyoldname]

cried myself to sleep every night these past weeks

I should go to bed earlier, before the soul crushing loneliness sets in

[tiredofmyoldname]

I want dopamine

[tiredofmyoldname]

Went to the fairgrounds yesterday :)

[tiredofmyoldname]

ur bio lyric quote thing is so fucking tuff I can’t lie I love it

Thank youuu I rly like ur mermaid thing with ur bio post its so whimsy coded

[tiredofmyoldname]

From everything you've said I think we would've been be similar people, if we weren't fundamentally different