How do you let go of someone that you planned forever with..... Again?
How to you turn your back and walk away from a person you can't imagine your life without?
How do you unlove a soul that you literally lived for when you couldn't find the strength to live for yourself?
How do I KNOW now that it's all over, that it's all a waste of time? Because I can see it and feel it, I can hear it and even taste it.
I see it because your eyes no longer light up when you see, you roll your eyes (and not in a good way) when I try to joke with you, your smile towards me no longer reaches your eyes, you appear to be in agony or at best pained when you spend anytime with me. I see it when you would rather look at your phone than at me, when you put as much distance between us as possible without being obvious.
I can hear it on the way you say my name, there's nothing special about it anymore just another obligatory word in your sentence, when you see love ya too whenever I say I love you, or when you say see ya workout looking up from whatever you're doing. They hold no weight anymore just a knee jerk response to a person speaking. I can hear it on the silence from you when I'm begging for a response, for you to tell me I'm wrong when I tell you I feel it ending. I hear or the loudest in the silence that now feels the space between us where once there was laughter, conversation, and inside jokes.
I feel it when I hug you and I loosely get a one arm drap above my shoulders as you turn your head away from me, when I reach for your hand to hold and it's no longer there, when I put your arm over me in the middle of the night and you don't squeeze me or pull me closer instead you just roll over. I feel it in my gut when I hear your phone go off and when I ask you say it wasn't you, I feel it the most when I look at you and realize that you don't see me the same and you don't want to.
But the worst of these is the taste of longing on my lips for yours, of the biter comments that you spew so easily, of the dryness of any conversation that we have, but mostly in the tears that I'm not often left to cry alone behind closed doors and in quiet cars in the dark, because crying in front of you feels so wrong now you can't see me in that vulnerable state you wouldn't protect me, you'd attack harder and tell me I'm manipulating the situation or that I'm overreacting and you'd leave.
No longer do I feel safe confiding in you because it's just giving you ammo for later. No longer to I feel heard or seen or loved or wanted. There's no appreciation only entitlement and disapproval. There's nothing I do that you get excited about or that you look forward to. No plans for the future, but plans to leave under different circumstances. The taste of betrayal when I realize that my feelings and wants and needs don't matter once I'm out of sight. The taste of heartbreak realizing that I no longer matter to you as I once had.
I've given you more than enough time, too many chances. I've laid out the bare minimum that I need and I've compromised those just like the originals to bend and cater to you, but the time has come that if I were to bend anymore I'd break and I can't afford to break again. Especially knowing that there will be no one there to help me pick up the pieces or to put them back together. When I know that there is no longer a fire or even a spark left because you've been smothering the ashes of what was once the most beautiful I ever stood within. I've fought to hold on the whole time knowing in my heart that you were extinguishing any hope that appears, in some of the most damaging ways possible. But I held onto the hope that you were having a hard time and that I could love you through it, and that ñ when you saw how much I loved you and all that I'd do for you maybe you'd understand and it would get better, but it's only getting worse. I have no desire to even entertain the idea that maybe some day you'll snap back and be the man I fell in love with. You've the good in you is fading and you don't care in fact I think you're happy about it mm someti and that's nothing I could say, or do that can change the outcome because say the end of the day....
It all comes down to a choice that you made, and sadly it wasn't me. But know that I love you still, and I would have chosen you a hundred times and a hundred ways. I would have sacrificed everything for you, but knowing that you don't feel the same I gave to choose myself this time over you because if I don't choose me that isn't anyone else that's going to anymore.
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