a brief guide to recognizing emotionally abusive behavior.
just because someone exhibits these negative and controlling tendencies does not mean they are a “bad” person or should be automatically written off (though if even after they’ve been confronted about their unhealthy and damaging behaviors they do nothing to rectify the situation and sincerely apologize, it would be advised to take steps to free yourself from the relationship). we all exhibit these traits at some point in our life, and sometimes we may need help recognizing the behaviors and working on reducing them.
the definition of (deliberate or accidental) emotional abuse:
an attempt to control another through non-physical manipulation.
any (generally repeated) act that diminishes another’s sense of self-worth and independence.
common characteristics of emotional abuse:
person A not allowing person B to say no to them without facing emotional/social consequences or threats of abandonment.
person A belittling (publicly or privately) person B’s habits and beliefs that don’t align with person A’s (often continuing, incrementally becoming harsher, until person B begins to act according to person A’s personal ideas of what is ‘right’ out of fear and shame).
person A being unable or unwilling to trust person B and insisting they give person A access to personal information, surrender explanations for personal decisions and experiences, and exert themself to convince person A of their feelings, beliefs, or experiences until person A is satisfied.
person A claiming person B owes them because person A was nice to them and/or treated them with basic respect.
person A blaming person B for their own negative emotions, and often demanding person B soothe them (i.e. being unable to accept personal responsibility for their own emotions).
person A claiming person B causes all of the interpersonal conflicts between them, demanding person B apologize to them for all conflicts, and telling person B that if they just listened to/obeyed person A the conflict wouldn’t have happened (i.e. victim blaming).
person A (publicly or privately) ignoring/belittling person B’s attempts to address person A’s negative behavior towards themself or others.
person A allowing themself emotional and physical freedoms that they don’t allow person B without criticizing or emotionally/socially punishing them (i.e. holding person B to a different standard than they hold themself to).
person A won’t allow person B to make new friends or spend time with others without emotionally punishing person B, claiming they’re doing something wrong by having other relationships, and/or threatening to abandon them because of it.
person A (publicly or privately) ignoring or mocking person B when they express their opinions and emotions.
person A claiming their opinions and emotions take precedence over person B’s.
person A redirecting conversations about person B’s negative experiences (with person A or outside/personal influences) by bringing up their own so as to invalidate and erase person B’s experiences and feelings.
person A (publicly or privately) bringing up past traumas or mistakes person B has experienced (that they’ve since moved on from and/or made amends for) any time person B tries to express personal growth or assert intellectual/emotional independence (i.e. shaming person B to lower their confidence).
person A withholding affection and/or emotional support until person B obeys them.
person A criticizing and/or belittling person B behind their back, usually with people person B is close to and/or related to (i.e. removing person B’s only outside support system so they have no one but person A).
person A responding to accusations of emotionally abusive behavior by temporarily altering their conduct to be agreeable, friendly, and compassionate to others, in an effort to invalidate the claim, often making person B appear to be “over-reacting” and seem to be attempting to socially ostracize person A unfairly (i.e. others outside of the abusive dynamic only see person A as an agreeable, friendly, and compassionate figure, so they automatically side with person A and turn the claims of emotionally abusive behavior on person B for speaking out).
characteristics commonly described as emotional abuse but are not:
person A exhibiting negative emotions (being hurt, angry, etc), whether in relation to person B’s actions or outside/personal influences.
person A asking for or demanding space from person B when they need it.
person A saying no to person B, even if person B can’t understand why and/or is hurt by person A’s choice.
person A disagreeing with person B, and being willing to argue their beliefs strongly.
person A continuing to make a non-offensive personal choice person B doesn’t agree with (e.g. interacting with non-abusive friends person B doesn’t like, or continuing to critically enjoy media person B has deemed ‘wrong’ or ‘unacceptable’, etc).
person A constructively criticizing person B for their beliefs or actions.
person A asking for emotional support from person B and not punishing them if they can’t fulfill person A’s needs.
person A having strong feelings in general and/or about person B, but not pressuring person B into things they don’t want to do, and instead respecting their individuality.
person A making mistakes in their relationship with person B that are upsetting for person B, but person A accepts responsibility for their actions and expresses remorse afterwards as well as takes steps to avoid repeating those mistakes.
ways you can defend yourself and others from people with emotionally abusive tendencies:
don’t ignore claims of or evidence of emotional abuse just because the person is kind to you or a select few, or you admire their work or appearance.
if someone is exhibiting any of these traits, call them on it (in a respectful but firm manner), and if they refuse to take responsibility, or blame you for their actions, end the relationship if you can or if you’re unable to cut off contact with this person entirely, limit your interactions and keep records of their manipulative actions in case you need to prove their abusive behavior in the future (to avoid gaslighting and being accused of being the abusive one yourself).
always remember that you can call people exhibiting these behaviors on it even if you’re not the victim of their abusive tendencies. your willingness to stand up and demand respectful treatment of others even if you aren’t personally in danger can be incredibly helpful for not only one specific victim but future victims as well.
you deserve to feel safe and comfortable respectfully expressing yourself, and to not have those trying to take that from you be accepted and supported despite their controlling actions because it’s not always comfortable or convenient to support victims of harmful behaviors (and to demand better behavior from those around you or very close to you). it’s important we don’t let emotional abusers get away with their behavior, and don’t allow emotionally abusive behavior to become the socially accepted norm.
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