Toronto Maple Leafs Players as Survivor Contestant Archetypes - Part 1 (Mitch, Auston, Bunts)
i realize that literally nobody except my 2 friends, my middle aged coworker, and i watch Survivor anymore, but this idea has been stuck in my head for ages so im going to go ahead and do the thing that literally nobody except 1 of my 2 brain cells (the one with less self control) asked for: Toronto Maple Leafs Players as Survivor contestant archetypes (and how long they’d last in the competition).
I started writing this and it very quickly spun out of control so I will have to break it up into several parts.
Here’s the Maple Leafs’ 1st liners as Survivor contestants.
Mitch Marner - The Goofy Sociable Twink/Survivor “Super-Fan”
Mitch’s intro will basically be Mitch earnestly yapping at LENGTH about how he’s been watching Survivor with his parents since he was a BABY. Survivor is part of his LIFE. Survivor has been there for him through all his life’s HIGHS AND LOWS. Jeff Probst is Mitch’s BFF. Mitch used to have a poster of Ozzy on his BEDROOM WALL. Mitch has been waiting to be on SURVIVOR HIS WHOLE LIFE. [Cue corny footage of Mitch and his parents reenacting how they watch Survivor by cuddling up on their living room couch with their dog and a massive bucket of popcorn (for Mitch)] Everything about Mitch’s intro will be really fucking cringe.
Mitch endears himself to his teammates at first with his general dorky affability. He’s a puppy! It’s fun to have him around yapping fecklessly while failing to build a fire for 45 minutes! Mitch annoys his teammates later for his inability to NOT cite Survivor trivia every 20 seconds (”OMG this is just like that time in Survivor Season 16 when Ozzy…”) and his general inability to NOT shut up!!! Ever!!!
Mitch THINKS his teammates value him because of his certified-SUPER-FAN Survivor knowledge and brainpower. Actually, his teammates like him because of his underrated scrappy physicality and his starry-eyed gullibility. the latter quality makes him scarily easy to manipulate into joining alliances and spilling secrets.
Mitch inevitably ends up in an alliance with intelligent alpha women who know that Mitch offers physical prowess, very little in the way of ability to socially manipulate, and the potential to play a double agent that can infiltrate the “all-male alpha meatshield bro jock” alliance.
This somehow results in Mitch playing incredibly pivotal roles in every elimination vote, and the stress of having multiple people ask him for his LOYALTY, and the stress of having to vote out his FRIENDS makes Mitch cry.
Will Mitch Marner make it to the merge: Just barely, but he’ll be the first one voted out post-merge
How will he get voted out: He will be effortlessly fooled into thinking a slightly colorful stick with some decorative rice grains and beads is an immunity idol and try to use it during tribal council, to the absolute GLEE of Jeff Probst (you may laugh but this is a real thing that happened on Survivor).
Mitch’s post elimination behavior: He will look back at his tribal council buddies, earnestly wish them good luck and thank them for their friendship, and try to kiss Jeff Probst
Auston Matthews - The Alpha Male/Freak-of-Nature Athlete/Meatshield
Auston’s intro will just be a cringey montage of Auston working out and participating in various sporps things. Auston will repeatedly emphasize 2 things: He’s really really really really competitive, and he’s noT JUST PHYSICALITY HE’S ALSO REAL SMART (citation needed).
Auston definitely coasts through the initial few episodes bc his sheer physical prowess either helps his team win elimination challenges, or is enough of an asset for his team to keep him around
Auston naturally enters an alliance with the cool hot people early on (a fellow meatshield man who’s also an ultramarathoner and a consultant, a bombshell woman who’s a lawyer and a crossfitter, and a former US Olympian). Cue footage of them lazing around on the tropical beach, letting the topaz waves lap languorously over their chiseled muscles, their tapered waists, their gleaming smiles etc. etc.
Auston thinks being in this alliance with the cool hot athletic people is enough to keep him safe until the merge. And for awhile, they do run the show and vote out the weaklings first
Auston starts losing his mind because the thing about being a hulking 6′3″ specimen is that you need a huge amount of CALORIES everyday. the thimble-fuls of watery rice, wedges of coconut, and slivers of unseasoned fish pushes Auston to the EDGE OF SANITY, and he starts tearing up because he just misses his protein powder so much :(
THEN, he gets into a fight with the rest of the team bc Auston is eating too much of their daily rice rations. Auston gets HEATED bc his physical skills in the reward challenges is what won them the rice in the first place and GOD DOES HE HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
This is a bad and stupid move. REVENGE OF THE NERDS, FUCKER!!!
Will Auston make it to the merge: No he will not lol.
How will he get eliminated: He will get blindsided when all the non-hot non-cool people unite against rice hogger Auston Matthews and effortlessly eliminate him in a united block vote.
Auston’s post-elimination behavior: Auston will shake his head in disbelief and say “Wow, good luck with the rest of the challenges without me” in a slightly threatening tone as he leaves. However, the teams will merge immediately after Auston’s elimination episode, rendering his threat completely pointless.
coda: Auston will be one of those “what-if” candidates that return in future seasons for another shot. He will get eliminated the same way again.
Michael Bunting - The Chaos Agent/Immunity Idol Magnet
Bunts’ intro will show Bunts doing cool tricks on the trampoline with his dog. That’ll pretty much be the extent of Bunts’ intro, but it’ll be enough for everyone to get a sense of who this peculiar little man is.
Bunts creates chaos from the very first episode by BLATANTLY looking for the immunity idol when the rest of his team is doing things like GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER, BUILDING THEIR SHELTER TOGETHER, SUSSING EACH OTHER OUT FOR POTENTIAL ALLIANCES
This obviously causes great ire and suspicion amongst his teammates, and places a target on his back, but Bunts does not care. Also, he’s freakishly good at finding immunity idols. Throughout the course of the season Bunts is going to find all the immunity idols - on HIS side of the island, on his opponents’ side of the island, on Exile Island, in Jeff Probst’s PANTS. EVERYWHERE. he’s going to collect them all and he’s never going to die
Bunts inexplicably creates an unbreakably tight alliance and genuine friendship with the old people - a 60 yr old retired 3rd grade teacher from Modesto California who says Bunts reminds her of her grandson, and a 63 yr old retired gravedigger who says Bunts reminds him of his dead chihuahua Larry (he starts sobbing while talking about Bunts’ resemblance to Larry. It’s like both super fucking weird and very wholesome).
Bunts is 100% the type to openly start shit during TRIBAL COUNCIL and destroy ANY voting strategy various alliances had coming into Tribal council. Jeff Probst ADORES Bunts (Mitch is only a tiny bit jealous. just a TINY bit ok).
Everytime the more cerebral contestants who treat Survivor like a game of chess or the Alpha Male Jocks try to vote Bunts off, he survives by pulling an immunity idol out of his crotch with the most ANNOYING grin on his face.
As the season progresses, it becomes clear that this feral chaos agent holds ALL THE POWER, and the cerebral contestants and Alpha Male Jocks are forced to begin desperately fighting for a CRUMB of Bunts’ affection. Bunts loves the attention. Bunts takes great joy in voting them off one by one off the island.
Will Bunts make it to the merge: HELL YEAH
How will he get eliminated: Honestly Bunts will be one of the 3 finalists and will probably lose only bc he will have pissed off some of the jury because he like farted in their water supply or something (Bunts doesnt regret it).
Bunts’ post-elimination behavior: Good-naturedly hugs the winner because he knows Probst is going to recruit him again for another season. Bunts WILL win that one. He will spend some of his $1 million winnings on getting another chihuahua for his retired firefighter bff and bolstering the retirement funds of his retired 3rd grade teacher bff. He will be a r/survivor subreddit favorite.
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