Anyone else with early childhood relational trauma struggling with therapeutic relationship? Knowing that you are not important? Not important enough? Feeling invisible?
Well, thatās how I felt when my T double booked herself. And apologized. Sincerely. (When I cancelled my appointment less than 48 before the appointment, I was charged full fee.) Sorry, but this is not a ārelationship between two equalsā.
I felt that way when she forgot I needed her this month.
I felt that way when she missed the part of my message that said I wanted to cancel our next session.
I felt that way when she accidentally invalidated my experience. I felt vulnerable, but she didnāt notice that. I felt weird and shut off.
Relationships are hard. I struggle with them. All of them. I feel abandoned. I donāt want to hurt. I donāt want any relationships.
I have the skills I need. I thought therapeutic relationship would be healing. Itās not. Itās traumatic. Iām still not someoneās favorite. Iām not important. And it still hurts.
I used to become self-destructive when there were ruptures in our relationship because she was the only person in my life who seemed to care. I was angry and hurt. I wanted to punish her by invalidating her as a therapist. āSee me being self-destructive. Your therapy doesnāt work. Iām not doing ok. You are a shitty specialist.ā I never said that, but thatās exactly what was behind my behavior. With one of my early T I strongly considered killing myself to āprove him wrongā. He thought I had neither BPD nor depressionā¦ I wanted to āteach him a lessonā. Not out of anger, but to show him he was a bad therapist and his lack of knowledge and skills could easily lead to someoneās death.
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