In the spirit of my high school German textbook Wie geht's?, which tried to offer a fun, down-to-Earth, contemporary course in German teaching phrases useful even at the beginner level, I have decided I am going to write a German textbook that will get you started with everything you need to know to function in modern German society. It's going to be called Sie Brauchen Ein Anderes Formular.
Chapter 1: Unterlagen und Anträge will introduce you to that most essential element of German society: filling out paperwork. You'll learn to recognize basic vocabulary like Anschrift, Name und Vorname, Addresse, and Postleitzahl. You'll be introduced to rich German cultural practices, like filling out paperwork. You'll learn to tell delightful jokes, like Haben die diese Informationen nicht schon? and Liest denn niemand mehr seine E-Mails? You'll experience medieval customs which are alive and well in Germany, like mailing paper letters to deal with large organizations, and receiving them in return. And, of course, you will learn to socialize with other Germans while bonding over shared activities, like filling out paperwork.
Chapter 2: Alltägliche Belastigungen will cover going out, getting around, and getting things done. You'll learn how to say außer Betrieb, defekt, and nicht einsatzbereit. You'll learn how to make everyday conversation with phrases like Tut mir leid, mein Zug hatte Verspätung, and Ich habe versucht anzurufen, aber es war ständig besetzt. You'll learn about treasured German folkways like the Schuldenbremse and Investitionsschau. And you'll even learn about German mythology, and the tale of the invisible Digitalisierungsinitiative.
Chapter 3: Das Ist Nicht Richtig will teach you how to flourish in German society. You will learn, of course, that Sie brauchen ein anderes Formular. You'll learn how to say Das steht nicht auf Ihrer Webseite; Nein, wirklich, ich habe nachgeschaut; and Woher hätte ich das bitte wissen sollen?, and to recognize common phrases like Das ist nicht mein Problem and Und was soll ich Ihrer Meinung nach dagegen tun? And you'll learn how to ingratiate yourself with others with phrases like Sie haben Recht, das ist mein Fehler; Sie haben Recht, es ist nicht Ihre Aufgabe, so etwas zu wissen; and Mir ist bewusst, dass es unzumutbar ist, von Ihnen zu verlangen, Ihre Arbeit zu machen.
Chapter 4: Systemversagen will delve deeper into the rich texture of German life. You'll learn about everyday heroes, like Apotheker and Apothekerin who keep dangerous drugs like Paracetamol off the streets. You'll learn to blend in with phrases like Natürlich müssen wir die heimische Autoindustrie schützen, and Atomkraft ist eine Umweltkatastrophe, deshalb müssen wir weiter Kohle abbauen. And you'll learn about important ceremonial practices like Datenschutz, around which all of German society is oriented, though nobody seems to remember why.
Chapter 5: Im Rahmen Bleiben will help you embrace the diversity of German society by mastering the untranslatable art of Angepasstheit. You'll learn how to say Warum willst du das denn?, Das ist doch nicht normal, and Die macht das doch nur, um Aufmerksamkeit zu bekommen. You'll learn how to pass this gift onto others through ungebetene Kritik an Fremden, and why everything has its ordnende gesellschaftliche Funktion and everybody has their part to play.
And after that, I'll start working on my next language textbook: L'Italia Non È Mica Meglio, Ma Almeno Il Tempo È Bello.
