"I'm such a loser."
Part of Transcending Limerence (Unfinished)
(TW: very depressing, attempted suic**e)
(Set around a different universe where Diana meets Trent and Alejandro differently when they're adults.)
---
Is this how it ends? Diana fumbles with the rope around her pale hands. Why is this so slow? Is tying a noose that hard? She swears she could do this easily just a few days ago.
Her eyes sting like it's been doused with boiling water, she heaves like she's drowning, taking her final breaths.
Her rickety chair creaks at her weight, she ties the rope on the hook she has drilled up in the ceiling when her mind had separated itself from her body. A silent giggle leaves her. This is so silly.
She rests her head on the hanging rope, her eyes closed to brace herself for the–
Ding!
Oh, she forgot about that.
She has a friend.
Should she stop?
Agh, it'll be awful to go away without a goodbye..
She drops back on the floor and searches for her phone. In her bed, the screen illuminates the dark room. She lifts it up and..it's a text.
👽9️⃣Trainton: Dude, u up, man?
It's Trent, a cool dude she's mostly been talking to online, that she also met online and only ever saa face to face when she managed to attend his concerts.
She turns her head, his album cover posters are up on her wall.
Artists support each other.
❤️📕Dee: Yeah, need anything? Sorry, I couldn't make anything today. You know how it is.
Her thumb hovers over the send button, remembering the times where she was simply a stranger curious about his day to a friend who makes fanarts and poems for him.
👽9️⃣Trainton: I've just been thinkin', you always go on my concert but I've never actually seen you. It's been bumming me out and I really really wanna just see you! There's just this feeling eating me alive, man. You've got to let me see you.
She breathes out, a weight grows on her shoulders. She types much quicker, her eyes still burns.
❤️📕Dee: Sorry, man.
❤️📕Dee:You're not usually this bummed out over how I look. What's really up with you?
👽9️⃣Trainton: Something just feels wrong. We've been friends for years! I know your birthday, your books, art..but I can't even imagine the color of your eyes, and like..your voice.. Come on, dee. You tell me you can sing and love musicals but you won't even let me hear you once?
She swallows, unable to breath this time. Is she really going to die without even letting her only friend hear her once? Of course, he remembers her quick story time about joining musicals, it's the field of art that she always complains about.
❤️📕Dee: I'm sorry.
That's all she could say, there are a million reasons for why she can't push herself to be heard. None of them can simply be said outloud.
He didn't reply immediately, a chat bubble loads but fizzles back and forth.
Eventually, he finally messages back.
👽9️⃣Trainton: I'm sorry too, I shouldn't pushed too much.
👽9️⃣Trainton: I
👽9️⃣Trainton: But..I hope when you're comfortable enough with me
👽9️⃣Trainton: I could take you up for a drink? Real life? After a show?
👽9️⃣Trainton: I can bring my friends so it's not like.. a date.
The quick series of messages lifts her brows and eyes wide open. Sure, he has made jokes of them getting a drink or dinner every once in a while, especially when she tells him that she'll go to his show. But, this, this just feels more..heavy? Important? Is he really serious?
After a few minutes, her chest feels lighter, her head too. She can't say she doesn't want to see him. She's just, shy, yeah, just that. She's just a faceless artist, he's a guy who a crowd can recognise from afar. Sure he can have audiences that shift between accepting to downright cruel. But it's just, different! What if she's actually too lame? Not a creative gal on his level like what he expected?
❤️📕Dee: ..I guess, why not?
She sends it before she could shrink away in regret.
She grits her teeth, her chest heaving faster and she follows up.
❤️📕Dee: I MWAN
❤️📕Dee: IF WE CAN
❤️📕Dee: LIKE IDK BECAUSE WERE SO FAR AWAY AND UH
❤️📕Dee: Aren't you busy? Got a new gig and all that?
❤️📕Dee: Only when the right time comes
👽9️⃣Trainton: Dude, don't stress over it, where do you live?
❤️📕Dee: Uh
👽9️⃣Trainton: Just give the city obviously.
❤️📕Dee: Right.
She gives the place and closes her eyes. Her heart is racing fast, she can't tell if it's from not wanting to meet him or actually really, really wanting to see him.
It took another moment before he could give a reply and when it did, she couldn't keep her eyes off the screen.
👽9️⃣Trainton: Oh, cool, you're just a couple of miles away from me. When do you wanna meet?
She fumbles with the screen, her nails tapping against it frantically.
❤️📕Dee: WHAT!? QHY!? WHY ARE YOU IN MY CITY!?
👽9️⃣Trainton: Staying over a friend for a whole month. He's like, filthy rich and all that. Could take extensions too, so maybe we could hang out more than once?
She couldn't give a reply, what a huge coincidence.
👽9️⃣Trainton: Not too happy about it..?
Wait, no. That's not what she meant–
👽9️⃣Trainton:It's cool.
No, no, no, no! This isn't what she wants to say!
❤️📕Dee: No! Let's hang out tomorrow!
Not that soon!
She groans, throwing her phone away on her bed. She slinks down to tuck her head in her knees and whine. "..so stupid."
When she lifts her head, the looming noose over her room draws her in.
Maybe it's not too late to finish what I've started.
She deserves this, she doesn't deserve to meet him. That's just not right.
Why did she say tomorrow?
She steps on the chair one more time.
And the phone on her bed continues to ring from every message.
What is he saying now..?
Fuck it.
She kicks the chair away and stumbles back to her phone on her bed.
👽9️⃣Trainton: Are you sure?
👽9️⃣Trainton: I know I've been pushy but I really don't want to pressure that much.
👽9️⃣Trainton: Dee?
👽9️⃣Trainton: See you tomorrow?
❤️📕Dee: See you, good night, Trent.
👽9️⃣Trainton: Night, Diana.
She turns the screen off, plunging her room back to darkness.
Just one simple meet up with a friend. Then, she'll say goodbye.
---
She rises from her bed and to the switch, flips it on to plunge the room back into light.
The rope is still there, just hanging there.
And the chair is laying on its back.
She sighs, this really is silly.
She drags the chair back under the rope.
Lifting herself up on the chair for the second time, suddenly, she sways, making her freeze up and holding on to the rope in front of her.
Okay, just..do it.
She reaches up, her arms shake when she pulls the rope up from the hook and drops down the floor with it. Wow, that didn't feel that woobly before. Weird.
She carries the chair back to her desk and settles down, now working on to undo the knot. Her hand slips and barely gets through it and she huffs. Then, in a moment of impatience, when she tries to dig through the rope–her nail flattens and sends a sharp jolt of pain through her. "Ow! Fuck-"
She shakes her hand and blows on her finger.
Whatever! It's already late!
She gives up and opens the drawer in her desk. She tosses in the noose over her piles of art. Before she could close it shut, the sketches of him catches her eyes.
Right, she has a bit of a cursh on him.. wait, no. Used to. Didn't she try to drown it away?
Diana pushes the knot aside, lifting up a sketch of his face. It was an attempt to recall how she saw him in one of his shows. She gently rubs her thumb against the side of the drawn face.
She hopes he'll never see this.
She gently slides it back under the rope and closes the drawer. When she looks back in her room, the only thing left to clean up is..the hook. Up there.
It's late. She can't drill it away.
Might use it eventually.
She returns to her bed, placing her phone on her nightstand before she tries to fall into peaceful slumber.
...
....
......
Crap. What is she gonna wear tomorrow?
....
In the break of daylight, she spends most of her time knee-deep in her cabinets. Rolling put of bed felt like trying to lift something nailed to the floor. Her head continues to throb every second she rummaged in her closet.
What kind of hang out is this? She pulls out a form fitting polka-dot halter swing dress. Is she going to dance? Scratch that, it must just be a simple one with drinks. She swaps it out for a pair of jeans and halter polka dots backless top. Drinks lead to fun times don't they?
She sighs, tossing it behind her. No, it's a first meeting! Not just any hang out. We'll.. it's also her first hang out for a long while.
A white blouse, brown sweater, darker pleated skirt.
It couldn't hurt to go simple, could it?
She shakes her head, only to regret it when the world seems to spin around her. A sigh pushes out from her, her head feels so light but heavy at the same time. She'll look like a silly school girl again. She completes the outfit with her polka dot lace thigh-high socks, but after rummaging through her drawers, she couldn't find a matching pair. It'll be unique either way so she settles for it.
With her feet dragging her to the bathroom door, her hands work on stripping off her clothes, she stumbles and hits the side of the door just as she finished tugging down her pajamas. "Ow."
After a thirty minute shower, she finally feels less disgusting in her own skin so she dries off and puts on some fresh clothes. A T-shirt and shorts would do just fine..the hang out is until later at midnight!
Right?
She opens her phone, scrolling back to their messages.
❤️📕Dee: No! Let's hang out tomorrow!
..looks like it could be at late afternoon too.
❤️📕Dee: Hey
❤️📕Dee: We still doin this?
❤️📕Dee: What time and place? I don't really go out that much so I think you should pick.
She shuts her phone off, It'll probably be a while till he's awake. In the dim light, her reflection casts down into the dark screen.
Her face..right, it's been a while since she last put on some make up. Her lips aren't defined enough to be seen as pretty. Her head turns towards the glass water on the table. She always forgets to take a sip.
A lip balm will do wonders for the cracks, like usual.
But it really has been a while, why not practice all day?
She returns to the bathroom, let's see if she can still do this right.
----
Its a disaster. She has poked her eyes one too many times with the eyeliner. Some dust from the eyeshadow still burns her eyes too.
Lipstick part is pretty easy though.
She washes her face one more time, should she hide her freckles? Should she even wear makeup?
Maybe, she does have some bad eyebags.
A sigh escapes her, her eyes is straining from having to look at such a hideous face all day since morning.
Ding!
Perfect timing.
👽9️⃣Trainton: Wow, you're up early. Excited?
👽9️⃣Trainton: I was thinking maybe around 6, by then my sessions would be done. I'll pick you up with my friend! He's the one picking the place.
Alright, so..just around dinner time. They'll probably eat first before drinking.
❤️📕Dee: Sounds good.
👽9️⃣Trainton: Glad to finally see you soon! ❤️
She blinks, her shoulders feels more heavy at that heart emoji.
"Me too."
Oh, she said that outloud.
She slaps a hand over her face. She's gonna look so stupid in front of his friend.
Wait..what kind of friend is he anyway? The rich guy he's staying over with?
❤️📕Dee: Who's the friend?
👽9️⃣Trainton: The guy I'm staying over with, he's much more familiar with this city than I am.
Right.
❤️📕Dee: We're not going anywhere too fancy, are we? I have nothing to wear for those.
👽9️⃣Trainton: Really? Someone with a thousand sales in her novel couldn't buy herself a pretty dress?
An even more heavy sigh leaves her as she deflates. She doesn't want to admit why she's on the edge of homelessness but she supposed that she's tip-toed around it long enough.
❤️📕Dee: Most of the earnings went to my family. I'm only getting enough to pass by.
He sees the message immediately but his text bubbles faltered for a moment.
👽9️⃣Trainton: What? Why
👽9️⃣Trainton: How much are you even getting? What is just enough?
❤️📕Dee: ...2300 every month?
👽9️⃣Trainton: wtf
👽9️⃣Trainton: WHAT
👽9️⃣Trainton: TELL ME YOURE JOKING
👽9️⃣Trainton: YOUR RENT IS NEARLY 60% OF THAT
👽9️⃣Trainton: ISNT IT LIKE 1500!? WITH BILLS AROUND 300 TO 600?
👽9️⃣Trainton: HOW ARE YOU STILL EATING!?
Here we go. The weight of his concern pushes her down to settle on the lid of her toilet.
❤️📕Dee: 4 meals every week, mostly drinking water.
👽9️⃣Trainton: WHAT!?!?!
❤️📕Dee: What
👽9️⃣Trainton: YOU ARE GOING TO DIE
❤️📕Dee: Calm down! I honestly don't know how I do it either! I forget to eat and so I kinda save up more that way!
👽9️⃣Trainton: Well, thanks for telling me about it
👽9️⃣Trainton: I'll tell my buddy to avoid any fancy restaurants
❤️📕Dee: Cool! It'll be a normal hang out that way, won't it?
👽9️⃣Trainton: Yeah
👽9️⃣Trainton: See you
❤️📕Dee: See you too
Shutting back the phone off, she is pulled back to reality. Her face is still a mess.
She returns to the mirror, lowering her phone as her hand brushes the strands of her pale blonde hair stuck to her face. She's sooo fuckeeeed...
She'll do this one more time.
...
With shaky hands, she finally pulls it off. A face that no longer has heavy eyes and has her past look. Wide-eyed and all.
Her stomach aches, she has no fridge to check into.
A simple biscuit can do.
She can finally do it again.
...
Time, 5: 35.
Drying off from an another bath, she returns to the mirror to tidy her short hair. The tip of the strands graze against her nape and sends a shiver throughout her body. When her hair is dry enough. She tucks a heart-shaped clip into the left side of her side-swept fringe.
Now there shouldn't be any trouble with an another round of putting on make-up.
Looking at the mirror, it was somehow even better than before. Despite her ever-so-trembling hands, her lips was glossy under the artificial light, even if its still not actually that defined. Her blush is even and blended with her pale skin and freckles satisfyingly.
Now she just has to put on her clothes!
Ding!
Uh. Her head turns back and forth. Where is it?
Right, she threw it on her head before showering.
She stumbles out of the bathroom and flops onto her bed. Her hands slip and miss before she could wrap her hands around the screen.
👽9️⃣Trainton: Where can I pick you up?
👽9️⃣Trainton: We*
Crap- Crap- she hadn't thought of that! She can't say this place! He could come in and..
Her head lifts, drawn to the hook on the ceiling. He might see the decoration..?
She shakes her head and rises to her feet, she makes her way towards the single window in her room, pushing the blinds aside to check what place she can choose.
Her eyes catch on the trees just a few blocks away. She lifts her phone and snaps a pic against the glass and sends it.
❤️📕Dee: Does your friend know where this is?
She returns to her bed and hangs her towel aside to work on putting on her clothes. Just as she was tugging her socks up, the familiar ringtone chimes once again.
👽9️⃣Trainton: Yep! Sweet place. You go there often?
❤️📕Dee: ye, good air, good for landscape art too
👽9️⃣Trainton: you should bring your sketchbook, I'd love to see your physical drawings in person!
...can she not?
She gazes at the drawer in her desk. Can she cancel this the hard way?
She steps closer, pulling it open. The tied rope over her sketches taunts her.
Her hands lift it away to start picking pieces she can show.
Oh no.
It's mostly him.
She takes the red book, it was mostly drawn during her more productive times outside. The last few pages are drawn on just a few weeks ago.
Wouldn't hurt to have him see how much of a fan she is though, right?
She takes one and two separate papers of portrait of him, folding it and tucking it on her book.
She tilts her head down. Is this good enough? Normal hang out, just a normal hang out.
She tugs down her brown cardigan, unable to hide the hem of her blouse.
5:58 P.M.
FUck-
She rushes to the door, slipping on her black high-heeled shoes while she types on her phone.
❤️📕Dee: TELL me ehen you're there!
❤️📕Dee: When
She grabs her keys, opens the door, and woah!
She nearly flips over, her steps are even more shaky than a newborn fawn.
She closes the door and rattles the doorknob with the key.
With slow but wide steps, she makes her way down her apartment and into the streets below.
The cold air seems more suffocating every step closer to her destination. With her head bowed down, phone and keys in one hand, she wishes she could return back home.
Shadows go past her, the headlights of the cars casting them on the walls alongside hers. She clutches her sketchbook in her other hand, bringing it up to her chest to keep it close.
She finally lifts her head, she's at the crossroads now, she turns her head and sees a person by the pedestrian line.
Phew. She'd wait a long while if there wasn't.
She stands near them, but not too close. The man waiting was busy with his phone, holding a cup of coffee with the other. A quick peek draws her eyes to the bull-head shaped pendant on his collar bone. What a cool accessory. Her eyes trail down, his muscles are quite..prominent. His red v-neck shirt seems to mold around it, form fitting. She could never wear something like it without thinking about how long it's been since she's done a pushup. Her eyes falls down to the pockets of his white trousers, a key chain accessory dangles over it. It was a space ship next to a guitar, its muted green shades contrasts next to his vibrant top. His pants look brighter than lights around them, not a crease in sight. He looks..different from the usual people she sees around here.
She lifts her head, the pedestrian signal still not turning into green. It must've recently turned red when she arrived.
She turns to the strangers wearing shades of many, but mostly darker colors. A breeze of the air reminds her by sending a chill down her spine that it's winter.
Should've brought a jacket.
She curls up, hugging her sketchbook tighter. Then lifts her gaze to the man beside her. He must be cold wearing that shirt only-
Green eyes. They're on her.
Wait..is it really? She tries to follow where it seems to gaze at, only to find nothing else beside her.
Turning back, the man's eyes only seems to sharpen like knives. Scary. His eyes are almost glowing against the light. His towering build makes his straight posture only more looming.
His face holds a small frown, a raised brow. Did she do something wrong!?
Her eyes squint and fall to the concrete floor.
His shadow moves past her, his hand placing his phone in his pocket.
She should–
Clink.
Her heels catches onto something, her head falls down and finds the key chain previously in the man's pocket.
She takes it and runs after the man across the road.
"Wait! Mister–"
BEEEEEEEEP!
She yelps, nearly dropping everything as a car drives past in front of her.
She freezes up, then an another honk makes her whole body jump. The car in the lane behind her slowly moves forward.
Jeez, no one has an ounce of patience any more.
She carries herself in wide hops to reach the other side. Looking back ahead, the man she called out for is now gone.
..this isn't stealing if she plans to return it.
She sighs, adjust her things in her arms. Maybe she should've brought a purse.
Holding two sets of key chains with her phone, she scans the park for a bench.
There's one near a streetlight, empty.
Alright.
She turns on her phone and..
Wow.
Oh no.
6:22.
Did it really take that long to get here!?
She finds the long string of messages and opens it.
👽9️⃣Trainton: Hey I'm here where r u
The first message was sent at 6:01. Curse the universe for making this man on time!
👽9️⃣Trainton: uh hello? (6:05)
👽9️⃣Trainton: you actually busy or??? (6:10)
👽9️⃣Trainton: you must be getting ready I can wait (6:13)
👽9️⃣Trainton: you're probably just messing with me(6:15)
👽9️⃣Trainton: haha very funny (6:15)
👽9️⃣Trainton: you're not ghosting me are you? (6: 20)
👽9️⃣Trainton: :( (6: 20)
👽9️⃣Trainton: Diane? (6:22)
Right, she sets her phone to silent when she goes outside. Why couldn't she remember doing that!?
❤️📕Dee: I'm sorry- I miscalculated the time i could get here! I'm here! Uh- I'll send a picture!
She stands up and snaps a picture of the bench and sends it.
👽9️⃣Trainton: haha wow I
👽9️⃣Trainton: I almost thought you stood me up man
👽9️⃣Trainton: and oh uh cool my friend was just there
👽9️⃣Trainton: omw
Oh god it's happening. What if she pretends not to be herself just to uh- maybe see who he expects to see, is it too late to find a passerby to act as her? Come on! Think! How should she even greet him!?
"Diana?"
A scream tears from her lips and she nearly stumbles back onto the bench.
"Uh- hi! Who's Diana?" She squeaks, lifting her sketchbook over her face.
Silence follows after her high pitched words. She couldn't see him over the wall she made.
The voice gives a light chuckle.
"The owner of that sketchbook?"
Huh?
She lowers it down and turns it around to face her.
'Diana's sketchbook, no. 9.'
"Oh-" She lifts her head up and..wow. Its..really him.
In the midst of the empty park, a man with a long face, holding a cleft to his chin and a line in his eye stands before her. With the man she met earlier just a few feet behind him.
She deflates, her face turning into a peach. "Sorry- I freaked out- I wanted to pretend I was some else and-"
"Mess with me? Yeah, you already did that bad by being late. And don't worry about it, man. It's cool." Trent laughs, lifting his hands to give a placating gesture.
"Wait- is that...?" The man behind him steps closer until he's beside Trent. His eyes drawn towards her hands.
She lowers her head and find the keys in her hands. "Oh yeah! When you left me at the pedestrian lane you dropped these!"
She offers the key chain and just as he reaches for it, her eye catches it tangled with her keys. "Uh- hold on-" She pulls away, fumbling it apart.
A sigh leaves the stranger's lips. "Is this really her, Trent? I expected someone with more..." He gives an odd gesture with his hand, trailing off as he searches for the word in his lips. "Grace.."
Wow. Jerk. A frown immediately falls onto her face, she manages to pull the keys away from each other with her arms full with the sketchbook and her phone.
"Catch." Diana tosses the keys as she schools her frown into a line.
The man effortlessly catches the keys, shoving it deep into his pockets.
Trent raises a brow at the tension growing between his friend and Diana and offers an another chuckle. "Hey, now. I didn't say anything about a graceful girl, I barely know her!"
He steps closer as if to observe her close. "I'm just really happy to see her.."
Diana steps back. "Oh well- yeah- I'm clumsy and not like..super successful and stuff. I was thinking this was just a casual hang out? Not like a big fancy meet up or meeting?" She sighs. "I mean- if it's not what I think it is. I say we can always just stop now-"
"Woah- calm down." Trent cuts in before it becomes a genuine offer. "It is what you think it is. I mean- not a big deal, right?"
The man beside him stays silent.
Diana feels her lips tugging downwards. Then she lets out a heavy breath. "Trent..it is really nice to meet you. I'm sorry if I'm not..someone you expected to see."
The silence returns and she can feel the weight of it dragging down on her shoulders.
"Nonsense, it's pretty great you weren't what I expected. You look way better than I imagined."
What?
Their eyes meet again. Diana's brows furrow up at his words.
Then she laughs. "Wow- you're a huge charmer." She rolls her eyes. "Don't even try it. I know I look terrible."
She offers her sketchbook. "I've already shown you some stuff there. But atleast you can see them in real life."
He takes it, flipping past the pages one by one.
Waiting for his reaction, she looks back on the empty bench beside them.
"You should try to sit while scrolling through. With your friend."
He pauses, following her gaze before shaking his head. "Uh- no- I think you should sit. It's fine."
Diana steps closer, somehow driven by unforeseen confidence or recklessness?
She tugs on the sleeve of his cardigan and pulls him down to the bench. "You've been waiting for a while, if you had been standing up since you arrived you definitely need it."
Trent smiles before diving back into her work.
When she turns around, his..friend continues to watch over them.
Her smile leaves her face and she falls back into a line. She steps aside to let him occupy the space beside Trent.
The man doesn't move.
Trent lifts his attention back to the two of them, sensing the tension growing once again. "Oh- I almost forgot. Dee, this is my friend, Alejandro. Alejandro, once again, this is Diana. Don't bite, will you?"














