Happy Mothers Day: A Reflection
In honor of my first Mothers Day, I've decided to take a few moments to reflect on this past year. My son Jack will be a year old on June 18th so it seems natural to take a few moments to take a look back.
I just left Jack for the very first time, for two nights, with my in-laws this past weekend. We flew to Scottsdale, where they live, for a week and for 2.5 days my husband and I snuck away to a resort and spa. It was amazing! I thought about Jack often but my heart didn’t ache for him and I wasn’t counting down the hours until I saw him. It wasn’t until we checked out after lunch and were on our way to see him that I started getting giddy about seeing his cute little face again. I don’t think that makes me a bad mother but it made me stop to think about the mother I am and the mother I thought I was going to be. For some these might be one in the same but for me they are very different.
My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and for my entire pregnancy with Jack I prayed that I would bring a little miracle into the world. My pregnancy was filled with extreme nausea, placenta previa, and due to a displaced hip, I was on crutches for the last four weeks.
After 36 hours of labor, 3 hours of pushing, and a small scare because of the umbilical cord wrapped around his little neck, I had my healthy happy little boy laying on my chest. He looked up at me with these big beautiful blue eyes and for the next 48 hours I just stared at him through sleep deprived bleary eyes. I was afraid I was living in this amazing dream and if I shut my eyes it would all go away. Obviously it didn't and for the first two months of motherhood I was exactly the mom I expected. I'm the eldest child in my family and my bossy and controlling nature certainly shined through. I was the only one that could hold Jack. I told everyone else just how to take care of him and got upset if they didn’t do it exactly my way. I washed every little thing that touched something other than Jack’s hands, I was only going to breastfeed, I would have him on a schedule, I would read him flashcards, do sign language and help him reach each milestone on time. In these first two months we had 11 visitors from afar, 8 of which stayed with us at different times in our little two bedroom apartment.
I think this was a major contributor to why I held on so tight. I didn’t know how to be a mom and was learning in the midst of an overwhelming number of people with an overwhelming number of opinions. I struggled with breastfeeding. Jack didn’t nap and was diagnosed with a severe case of acid reflux. My amazing mother stayed with us for two months to help me and my husband out with our first child. She ended up taking care of us so we could take care of Jack and I'm forever grateful. If it wasn't for her we would not have eaten, slept or showered. In the days leading up to her departure I was very sad and didn't know how we were going to survive. But when she left something amazing happened, we did survive and it was at that moment that I started to become the mom I am today.
I went to bed that first night after my mother left and thought to myself, if I, we, are going to make it, I need to stop worrying about the things I can't control and focus on the things I can.
It was a slow and gradual process but by 4.5 months I had hit my stride. I stopped comparing Jack to other babies his age and stressing if they weren't at the same place. I stopped researching every little developmental milestone tip and trick and focused instead on playing with and enjoying my son, researching something when it came up and was appropriate.
I decided I would only do sign language if I could remember and I couldn't so I didn't. I relaxed about the "schedule" and let Jack dictate what he needed and when he needed it. He now sleeps longer, is less fussy, and eats like a champ.
I shower at night and pack his diaper bag for the next day which helps with our sporadic schedule. I don't sign up for classes with set times and days and instead focus on drop in classes. I've let go of there only being my way to raise him and when I leave him with our part-time nanny or my husband I let them do it their way. I dont worry if he eats 2 solid meals and takes 20 ounces of formula one day and no solid meals and 36 ounces of formula the next. Some days we do nothing but play and some days we have a play date and a music class. I don't smother him every second and I let him have some independent time. I let him go to bed at 4:30 if he seems tired and at 7 if he doesn't. This relaxed, spontaneous, carefree mothering style is not what I expected, but it's the mother that looks good on me and I wouldn't change it one bit.
I'm sure my mothering style will continue and evolve as Jack grows up and there will be times and phases where I'll pull on the reins and times where I'll be just as carefree as I am now. But it's in this moment, on my very first Mother's Day as a mother, that I know there is no place I'd rather be.
Happy Mothers Day!