iĀ havenāt written here in a really long time but have been feeling very off lately and felt that it was time to try and write down my thoughts.
a lot has happened since the last time i wrote. but basically, about two years ago i made the decision to move again, to pack up my things and leave my friends, my family and my security for the unknown. was it a good decision? Ā i want to say that it was but at the moment, at this very second, i canāt remember why i thought it would be a good idea. there are so many positives, i have a job, i have financial stability, i have an apartment, iāve made new friends, i've learnt so many new skills andĀ iāve truly become independent. but it feels like something is missing. (it always feels like something is missing). Ā in a sense, all of this is happening but i mostly just feel that my days are just passing by, my life is just passing me by. sometimes i can't believe this is my life. that this is where i ended up. that this is what everything has lead to.Ā
people always tell me that iām so young and that my life is just beginning, that this is only the start and that i can do anything i want, that i have so much time. so much time. i want to believe this. i really do. and sometimes, for a split second, i do. but then iām brought back to reality, my reality. to this state of feeling confused and lost. and in that moment this feels like what the rest of my life will be. that i will always, always wish i was somewhere else. that i was doing something else. it makes me wonder - will i ever be content? will the grass ever be greener where i am? i guess all this confusion and feeling lost is because i have no clue, absolutely no clue, what I want to do or where i want to be or even who i want to be.Ā