Things that happen in Dawntrail that sound like shitposts:
You are invited to meddle in the affairs of a major political power. These events with extremely serious ramifications for global politics include gardening, animal herding, mountain climbing, and a bake-off.
Night City travels diagonally through time and fuses with a small town in Arizona.
An uplifting Hollywood movie pop-gospel song about unity plays over a montage of you and your friends building a bomb.
You down a suspiciously beaver-themed energy drink and briefly go super saiyan.
The temporally anomalous catboy dad deepthroats two scoops of nothing-flavored ice cream in an attempt to ease the tension at his work friend's family reunion. Somehow, this actually achieves the desired effect.
An AI-generated ghost attempts to burn all of the world's people and resources to extend the life of their metaverse Disneyland for other AI-generated ghosts. In response, you proceed to fight a robotic biblically-accurate angel inside their mind palace.
Per my archaeologist friend, dead baby cave is really not so unusual, though usually it's wells, not caves. Though the fact that dead baby cave is a portal to Narnia isn't usually part of the archeological digs.
I understand why people see venats “no more shall man have wings to bear him to paradise. henceforth, he shall walk.” as a #hardship breeds character #ease is bad statement but to me in the context of endwalker and in the context of Hermes’ whole deal it was more to me a “you are so fixated on heaven you think earth is a misery. I’m overturning the fast lane you are trying to pave to heaven. Everyone is taking the scenic route”
your last ally in all the city-states is an elf who would unironically lick the sweat from your armpits in front of the entire congregation. he begs his dad to let you couch surf. one of his brothers admits to your face that he wished you would die
two members of the swiss guard arrest your children so you punch them in the neck until the judge says you're free to go. the pope personally calls you to apologize for the trouble
ilberd tries and fails to hotbox you to death
a hot elf wife takes you on vacation to a nest full of cool bugs
anytime there's a serious moment estinien challenges the tone of the scene by pulling a giant novelty eyeball out of his pants which is played 100% straight every single time. not a single soul questions this or reacts in surprise
the prettiest elf in the world gets arrested trying to yell at his dad
Occupy The Vatican Right Fucking Now!!!!
the pope stances on the deck of an airship and flies away into the sunset after his eunuch traumatizes you
the emperor of garlemald shows up to call you a dipshit, leaves, and then you don't see him personally again for 1.5 expansion packs
we summon a naked catgirl and the first thing tataru does is give her a pair of louboutins and put a bow on her little kitty tail. she is the most deadly serious person in the entire organization
you take a quick detour to visit the angriest woman who's ever lived who calls you and everyone you're with a pointless dumbfuck moron shit idiot (affectionate). then she gives you a gun she invented that sharlayan banned for being too cool
theres a flying allagan war crimes factory full of broken robots who think you're stupid. an entire legion of garleans are abandoned here to form a feral colony with the escaped lab animals. the robots make fun of them
the dad of all the dragons on the whole planet calls you his favorite in front of his real child who he hasnt talked to in 4000 years
an evil wizard tries to get revenge on you for killing his cousin but the pope loads his soul into a bong and takes the fattest rip. the next time you meet him you mostly learn about how much his wife bullied him
estinien picks up a second eyeball. surprise development!: there is an angry dragon ghost living in the eyeballs
thancred gets punched in the face
you watch two dragon brothers fight because one called the other's dead wife a foul and trifling hoe
you save your friend through the power of friendship, and littering. as soon as he feels better he jumps out of a window and doesnt talk to you for two years
the guy from the box art wont stop trying to kill you because he is actually john videogames: astral traveler
after 15 hours of wondering what happened to all the scions and learning just the ones you've been able to FIND were flung into the afterlife, you discover lyse and papalymo are fine. they werent even hurt. they have been playing desert dress up with the ala mhigans while youve been freezing your pussy off trying to end a multigenerational religious war with the dragons and depose a corrupt head of state. they tried to send one letter and then gave up
the consequences of littering catch up with you. in eorzea, the fine is $Giant Dragon
"Why isn't Wuk Lamat forced to question/reconsider her beliefs?!?"
The beliefs: We should learn about & appreciate different cultures, and create a society that values their happiness and peace. Also, facism & imperialism are bad.
erenville is so funny to me. everything about his backstory wants him to be a protagonist but he's so effortlessly normal that it just never happens. he worked for the secret government space-ark of noah project. he's childhood friends with the princess of unified continental america. his mother was essentially one of the american warriors of light and told him to find the legendary golden city that nobody ever returns from. his hometown got swallowed by the tokusatsu dimension and that same mother died as part of an underground resistance movement in the tokusatsu dimension but persists as a cyberghost. erenville is normal though. he's a guy with a job and he never learned how to fight. his special skill is being a completely regular wildlife expert and he is far too employed for any of this high stakes sweeping epic business.
office jobs are fun bc you'll spend forever making sure the tone of an email is the exact right balance of friendly and professional and then get a response that just says "Well yahoo!!!"
leaving you like what's the goddamn point of it all
