TW weight loss, dysphoria
I just wanna vent because I’ve been trying to lose weight for the past few years. Mixture of bad physical and mental health had lead me to gain quite a bit and I wanted to get back to the weight I was for health reasons.
It’s taken me so long and multiple failed attempts to get here, but I finally did it. I’m at my target weight. I overall have lost 20kg from my highest weight, and whilst I want to lose a little more, I’m at my goal and I’m healthy again. It’s also helped my dysphoria to an extent as it has helped improve my body confidence as a whole.
I wish that I could celebrate my weight loss, something that has taken literal years of hard work and dedication. I wish I could celebrate finally being healthy and happy with my body again. Because I AM. Except for one thing.
It ruins everything. I lost 20 fucking kg and all my hard work is completely ruined and overshadowed by my huge, disproportionately large for my frame, chest.
No amount of taping or binding does even a halfway decent job of flattening or concealing my chest. At best it looks like I have huge fucking honkers stuffed into a very tight sports bra. And that’s under tape and two binders (I know, I know) . Whilst losing the weight HAS helped my dysphoria and it also did minority make my chest a little smaller, if anything I feel like it’s worse now because before I was just kinda chunky all over. Now I have a small frame and a massive out of proportion chest.
For the first time in my life I bought a size S t-shirt on Vinted. I went through the classic trans rite-of-passage phase of having absolutely terrible fashion sense and I’ve been working hard recently to curate my own style, with clothes that actually fit properly and not hiding behind huge baggy dysphoria hoodies anymore.
I was so shocked that the small t shirt fit me, and for the first time in my life I actually felt good in a close fitting piece of clothing.
Except for my fucking chest!!!!
All excitement and joy I had immediately ruined. This t shirt isn’t even tight. It just fits me properly and doesn’t absolutely swamp me or look like a tent. But whilst it fits my body, it very clearly shows my chest in a way that makes me repulsed. There is no escaping the huge squished up monoboob look and I absolutely hate it.
I should be able to wear tops that fit me without this. I should be able to celebrate my huge weight loss success and feel happy and confident in my body again, without this.
I know there are better ways to hide a chest with layers and jackets and such but like, I don’t want to wear stuff like that? I just wanna wear a t shirt and look halfway ok.
After all this work and effort, I’m still trapped in my own body.
I’m hoping to get top surgery next year, but it’s a big fucking if, and totally dependant on if I can get accepted for a loan (I’m in the UK so no insurance, it’s either 10k privately or a 10 year waitlist on the NHS). If I knew it was a sure thing, I think I’d feel better, but it all just feels so hopeless and far away right now and it’s really pissing me off.
I’ve done it. I’m there. I’m so much happier with my body now, and I’m so proud for what I achieved. Except for the one major thing that’s totally out of my control.
