till death do us apart

Jason | he/him | queer, jewish, trans | INFP/writer, poet, dreamer / studyblr: inqueerie / my poetry: jasonwrites

[transdeity]

years later and I'm here to say—boys suck. i am no longer searching for love. trying to unlearn things and grow. jake, my DID alter, is my one true love and we are very content.

[furiousgoldfish]

“You have to love yourself if you want others to love you” is such utter bullshit because if you were never taught how love towards yourself looks like you can’t know how to.

If you were cursed with abusive parents who taught you that forcing you to endure abuse is “for your sake” and “to make you stronger” and that being kind towards yourself will make you weak, a wuss, incapable, worthless, how would you be able to figure out which one is love? If you were taught from the start that brutality and punishment and harsh cruel criticism and contempt were done to you out of love and to help you be better, what other kind of love would you possibly be able to offer to yourself? You could be starving for kindness and at the same time believe it will make you weak and that you don’t deserve it so you would reject it! Self love isn’t innate, it is taught, what ever bullshit they sell you under the name of “love” is what you end up believing love is!

So until you are experienced enough to realize that abuse is hatred and destruction of you and that you’ve been lied to, and that kindness and patience and support is actually helping you grow and establish as a person, you can’t know which does what. And even once you do realize it, it’s hard! It’s still going to be hard to try to convince yourself that you are lovable and worthy of love when nobody has ever loved you! It’s still going to be hard to keep telling yourself that you deserve better when everyone treats you like crap! It’s still going to be hard to ignore all the triggers and perceived evidence that makes you doubt yourself, your value, your worth and potential, if nobody in this world is willing to try and prove otherwise to you, how are you supposed to do it on your own?

Self love is fucking hard and people who act like if you’re struggling with it you’re somehow less worthy of love, or even worse, to be completely abandoned by everyone until you figure it out, are fucking liars who don’t give a shit about you and what life does to you. Someone is supposed to get you used to being loved, someone is supposed to show you that you can be consistently welcome in their life and on this planet, that you can expect warmth and kindness and that there’s no doubt that you deserve it, that anything else being sold under the pretense of love has been a lie.

[transdeity]

I still cannot bear losing people whom I have and still love(d). 

[recoversuggestions]

everyone grows at different speeds. take your time and don’t compare yourself to others. you will become who you need to be.

[burningmanonacid-deactivated202]

all plants have different germination, some require specialty care, and others still take years before you can see progress, but we still marvel at forests and gardens all the same. 

[recoversuggestions]

you deserve to celebrate your victories, no matter how small they are

[amargedom]

“Don’t judge yourself by what others did to you.”

— C. Kennedy, Omorphi (via naturaekos)

[illicitbehaviour]

you deserve to be loved without having to hide the parts of yourself that you think are unlovable.

[coltre]

Paolo Raeli

[coltre]

it still breaks my heart thinking about you

[icarus-study]

- ̗̀ 09102019  ̖́-

october is here, where is my spook squad at 🕸🦇☠️🔮🌙

off topic but, me waking up early and having a decent healthy breakfast??? wow WIG

ATEEZ’s new album came out yesterday and i’m definitely not okay lol. SKZ is coming back today ooof time to lose my last few braincells at the comebacks of the century :)) if you’re a stay/atiny PLEASE INTERACT lol

i have LOTS OF TESTS THIS MONTH PHEW let’s see how well i pull them off. wish me luck!!

🎧 sunrise - ATEEZ

[study-van]

ATEEZ’s new album is everything!!!!! And today the SKZ comeback!!! We are getting so many good stuff in a really short time I am happy

Good luck on your exams sweetie, you got this!! (you know what they say a good breakfast brings a good day😝)

[icarus-study]

aaaaaah thank you yasmineeee ily ! also ateez realLLLY POPPED OFF like wow. AND DOUBLE KNOT OH MY GOD SKZ DID //THAT///

[jasonwrites]

Is it possible that one person can make love while the other fucks? I spoon-fed you my love and you slurped it down, mouthfuls before you screamed that it was too hot; spit it out, pushed me away, said you didn’t love me. Said you just wanted a fuck, a quick taste, a drop on your tongue. But you said you were hungry and I had a spoon, a bowl, and my love. You were so cold but I didn’t have a sweater to your liking. I guess that is where I went wrong. And now I have a wound the size of your fist gaping in my chest.

-Jason Feinberg

[jasonwrites]

We kissed, me pressed against you, entangled ontop your blankets, the wind outside howled and the trees shook. My body opened beneath your touch. I traced my fingers against your skin, said “I’m so so lucky” and kissed your bruises. You never said thank you; You didn’t say anything. You beat mine purple, stuck your fists inside my stomach, twisted and pulled. I was bleeding. I was bleeding. You threw me outside, told me I was being ridiculous. You still have my insides. I want them back. Please, just give them back.

-Jason Feinberg

[jasonwrites]

My body, like a moleskin notebook, opened to your touch, my pages covered in ink. Was it too much to read? To Process? Did you know that I have a friend named Jake and his handwriting is in here, too? Or was it after I told you after you said “your trauma is seeping out of you” after you put your hand on my knee and asked, “Is this okay?” After you asked “can I kiss you?” after “can I touch you?” after you handed me a silver kiss after I cried and told you I loved you and you came out in your bathrobe. after you asked me “haven’t you had casual sex before” after we held onto each other in your room during the quiet winter nights. After you told me you didn’t want to fuck me anymore.  

-Jason Feinberg

[relatablepoetryandquotes]

“Loneliness does not come from having no people around one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.” - Carl Jung

[cottagehonaey]

cows are full of love too

[highermagic]

Shoutout to all those kids who were praised and encouraged when they wanted to be marine biologists and surgeons and physicists and wanted to cure diseases or go into politics, only to meet radio silence when they decide to be writers or artists, to study human behavior and become therapists or actors. The softer pursuits are only softer because society says they are so, and you are important. You deserve to be heard, and encouraged, and praised, and I hope you are.

[transdeity]

In my family on my mom's side, we receive praise for our achievements but they have to be big enough. We need to be on TV, have written a successful book and we are getting interviews, a famous painter, etc. On my dad's side if you don’t have an award or some tangible representation of your achievement then there’s silence. I legit was at the dinner table and asked my dad if he saw my evaluations from my professors and he was just like “yeah.” and then a conversation about how I need to find a paid internship come up. lol. 

[aaliyahbreaux]

I wonder how many gay people are actually transgender & dont know it because people thing being transgender is transitioning when it’s literally just not being cis.

[aaliyahbreaux]

like I had a friend tell me last night “all my life I wanted to be a girl. even to this day, like if someone told me I could transition & look like you or *insert another trans woman idk* I would do it in a heartbeat” and when I was like omg ur transgender he was surprised? like he was like wait just wanting to be a girl makes me transgender even if I dont do anything about it? and like its harder to pinpoint non binary people but if u have a desire be a different gender ur transgender. transitioning is a choice but being transgender is not.

[divinegaeity-deactivated2023101]

“One of the symptoms of being a girl is wanting to be a girl.” Don’t remember where I heard that but the quote is my life.

[theladyregret]

Gender dysphoria is not a requirement to be transgender. If you are your happiest self as a gender that is not one you gained at birth then congratulations, you’re transgender.

[purplek1w1]

If youre your happiest self as a gender that u weren’t assigned at birth, wouldnt that give you a disliking to your birth gender, therefore causing dysphoria? Like why would you transition if u didnt have dysphoria you’d have no reason to

[aaliyahbreaux]

I recently came to the realization that there are different types of dysphoria and most people just think it only applies to ur body so maybe thats it?

[chthonically-ill]

dysphoria =/= trans. this is an argument lots of people use to invalidate tons of trans people, and conflates our identities with inherent suffering, rather than characterising it as a euphoria when recognised as the gender you identify as.

[aaliyahbreaux]

yes also there’s gender euphoria which is what made me want to transition

[transdeity]

this!!!!! I’ve had a trans girl say to me “I want to be a girl so I’m going on hormones.” and I was like “well I was a boy before them.” Also, in regards to dysphoria...as a trans person I don’t really experience body dysphoria much but when I am misgendered I experience it or some day it’ll be worse than others. Some trans people are kind of like “cool. this is me” until they go on hormones and are like “cool!!! this is me!!!!” for some of us!