surreptitious definition make my brain go loco

this is my side blog where I can be, as promised, Sad and Gay™, but in private bc I'm too scared to be unless I'm 100% anonymous. I'm just exploring my mindscape here, but there's mostly stuff that's important to me, resonates with me and/or has to do with mental illness or neurodiversity (specifically ADHD and autism; recovering[??? lmao] from social anxiety disorder n depression, the latter to a lesser extent. oh and my attachment style is capital-W WACK as fuck). I also put a lot of random shit here cause I'm lazy lol.                                                                                           ✴️voidpunk✴️  🖤Otherhearted(?) 🖤                                                                                                                                                                      19 y/o Genderqueer Transmasc/ Nonbinary Man, Bi, Arospec

[valtsv]

it has to be said i <3 characters who are victims of circumstances they created for themselves. especially when the bed they made for themselves to lie in is so horribly cruel and punishing that it interrogates the idea that anyone can be truly said to "deserve" anything at all.

[valtsv]

it's hard not to feel sympathy for the devil when he's exiled from heaven, after all

[sleazyschizoid-deactivated20240]

Without loss there is no madness

Without loss what is there to break you?

Sitting through meetings, through all kinds of meetings,

Rubbing your eyes while the coffee turns cold,

Staring at a spot in your screen, at a spot in the distance,

Turning inward, unaware of your surroundings…

Scents don’t evoke memories,

Songs don’t take you back,

And the people… not missed, loved, nor thought of even once…

Absence is not loss

And so you are not mad

All you are is hollow

And there’s nothing wrong with that

[etirabys]

One of the many stupid feelings humans are capable of having is the private, repulsive rage of seeing someone getting support and sympathy for a problem no one helped you with when you were having it, either because you didn’t have anyone or because it never occurred to you that you could ask for help. Suddenly the world seems to split into two – the realm that contains people like them, the connected and loved – and the realm that contains you, the miserable and the alone, who must suffer in solitude. This is sufficiently horrible that you grasp for reasons or world-understandings to make this reality acceptable, and a mentally available one is that it is superior to be in the miserable solitude realm, that the problem is one that should be solved with self sufficiency and dignity. That this other person is pathetic for being aided and loved when you were not. Scorn is more palatable than confronting the notion that you could have received aid (if you had made different choices or been luckier), that you desperately wish you could have been aided but were not. Scorn is more palatable than the howling hunger for things to have been different for you. So your mind chooses scorn.

It is also a bad place to be. Human existence is full of such traps.

[crusty]

Flipnote Archive

A full archive of Flipnote animations posted to Flipnote Hatena before it closed. Hosted by Sudomemo.

YO????????!!!!!!!!!! ALL OF MY FUCKING FLIPS ARE HERE DUDE WTF I HAVENT SEEN THESE IN LITERAL YEARS??

Almost every flipnote and every user archived???

[crusty]

Here's the full twitter thread. Support them on Ko-fi, I've been waiting for this for almost 10 years!!!

[plantwitch]

she’s distant! she’s incoherent! she’s sensitive! she uses escapism as a coping mechanism! she’s me!!!

[s-n-arly]

Skip Google for Research

As Google has worked to overtake the internet, its search algorithm has not just gotten worse.  It has been designed to prioritize advertisers and popular pages often times excluding pages and content that better matches your search terms 

As a writer in need of information for my stories, I find this unacceptable.  As a proponent of availability of information so the populace can actually educate itself, it is unforgivable.

Below is a concise list of useful research sites compiled by Edward Clark over on Facebook. I was familiar with some, but not all of these.

⁂

Google is so powerful that it “hides” other search systems from us. We just don’t know the existence of most of them. Meanwhile, there are still a huge number of excellent searchers in the world who specialize in books, science, other smart information. Keep a list of sites you never heard of.

www.refseek.com - Academic Resource Search. More than a billion sources: encyclopedia, monographies, magazines.

www.worldcat.org - a search for the contents of 20 thousand worldwide libraries. Find out where lies the nearest rare book you need.

https://link.springer.com - access to more than 10 million scientific documents: books, articles, research protocols.

www.bioline.org.br is a library of scientific bioscience journals published in developing countries.

http://repec.org - volunteers from 102 countries have collected almost 4 million publications on economics and related science.

www.science.gov is an American state search engine on 2200+ scientific sites. More than 200 million articles are indexed.

www.pdfdrive.com is the largest website for free download of books in PDF format. Claiming over 225 million names.

www.base-search.net is one of the most powerful researches on academic studies texts. More than 100 million scientific documents, 70% of them are free

[valiumvenus]

freshnaildew

[hueydarcy]

a short comic.

[normal-horoscopes]

The healthiest way to have an ideology is to have very specific niche understandings of common terms, and then respond hyperagressively defensive whenever someone asks you what you mean.

[normal-horoscopes]

Remember: the burden of education is on the OTHER party. If they don't know what a word means it's because they're pro-genocide against you specifically.

[normal-horoscopes]

Misunderstandings never happen and ignorance is always both intentional and malicious. Publicly expressing confusion should be considered emotional manipulation.

[dark-soul9]

bro shutup im making up scenarios in my head that will never happen

[romcommunist]

is this about anxiety or romance

[fwizard]

both my guy

[soracities]

artists obsessed and possessed by one single all-consuming theme or image and returning to it over and over until the day they die…. rearranging your entire life into an altar of unflinching devotion for this one thing, the only thing, and through that devotion making it everything….that’s how you touch the universe i think.

[soracities]

@too-little-caffeine​ oh truly……hand in tirelessly inquisitive hand 💗

[may-or-may-not-be-me]

[image is a screenshot of tumblr tags reading: #artists and scientists alike]

[mangojuulpoddd]

[acespec-ed]

You might be sexually attracted to that person if…

- You think sexual thoughts about the person out of nowhere

- You feel aroused upon seeing the person outside of a sexual setting

- You find yourself wondering what the person is like in bed and what their genitals look like 

- You want to have sex with that person because your body is screaming for sex with that one person in particular.

- Seriously though if you’re already horny and that person is there you will feel all hot and sexually aroused and might drool a bit and fantasies of doing X-rated things to that person will fly through your mind and your body will literally be screaming for that person to take you or for you to take that person. Even just thinking about that person while horny can do this to you.

- TMI but if you get off while fantasizing about you having sex with that person, the orgasms can be absolutely mind-blowing and may even give you leg cramps.

- You really do “just know.”

You might not be sexually attracted to that person if…

- You make a conscious effort to fantasize about sex with that person, mainly to see if you actually want to

- You feel aroused during a sexual situation, but that arousal has more to do with the activities instead of the specific person. Alternatively, you just don’t feel aroused at all.

- You feel aroused at random, but it’s directed towards no one

- You want to have sex with that person because you want to make them happy or are just horny and want to get off with a partner or want babies or want money or literally any other reason aside from your body screaming for sex with that one person in particular.

- TMI but if you try to get off while fantasizing about you having sex with that person, you may get bored and start thinking of other things. Or, you may start fantasizing about that person doing sexual things that don’t involve you in which case aegosexual might be worth looking into.

- You just don’t know.

If the “you might be sexually attracted” list boggles your mind, you are possibly asexual.

If the “you might not be sexually attracted” list boggles your mind, you are possibly not asexual.

If you can relate to the “might not be sexually attracted” list, but also feel like you’ve experienced some of the things on the “might be sexually attracted” list, it may be worth checking out some acespec identities.

(Disclaimer: This is strictly based off of my own experiences as acespec and is meant to be a guide for people questioning sexual attraction. Overall, you know yourself best and I’m not gonna tell you what you’re feeling or how to identify.)

[aegosexual-moments]

These types of lists are always so helpful!

A big one too, I think is, you may fantasize, but the people in your fantasies are never YOU. They’re fictional characters or your OCs but they’re never you specifically. And if they are it’s an idealized version of you.

That top list makes me realize I’ve never experienced any of that, it’s kinda like when I stumbled into an ask Reddit about what sexual attraction felt like and I went “yeah, I have never felt THAT way and whatever I feel isn’t sexual attraction”

[zymomonasmobilis]

here it is, the info I’ve always wanted to see, breaking down attraction vs not-attraction in intense, analytical detail

[thoughtlessthinkythoughts]

Here’s a few more for aces who do experience aesthetic attraction and who aren’t repulsed, because goodness knows these are the ones that confused me when I was figuring things out. If you have sexual fantasies that involve things being in a certain situation or having things done to you, but you aren’t visualizing anything or imagining specific people, you might not experience sexual attraction

If you’ve ever had the thought “masturbation is better than sex because it is more efficient and skips the boring bits,” you might not experience sexual attraction.

If you find someone attractive, but the thought of seeing them with their clothes off isn’t more attractive, it probably isn’t sexual attraction. (A naked body is just a naked body. But people are so lovely when in a look they’ve picked out to express themselves.)

If you occasionally notice body parts considered sexual and think they look nice, but do not want to do anything sexual related to those parts, it might not be sexual attraction. (I will occasionally think someone has nice boobs or a nice butt, and I assumed that was sexual attraction for a long time. But I’ve learned that for allo people, thinking those things leads to them having a response of “therefore I want to tap that” which is absolutely baffling to me. Also, again, those thoughts don’t lead to “and therefore I want to see them without clothing.”

If your response to something that seems to be making others horny is very similar to your response to those videos of “oddly satisfying” things, it might not be sexual attraction.

[headspace-hotel]

I think part of the reason why we feel so sad is that we’re too far away from raw, numinous experiences. Like you know that post with a picture of the unpolluted night sky where people are reacting in terrified awe not realizing that’s what the stars really look like?

I think it’s like. You need vivid experiences that can’t be easily repeated. You need elemental things. I don’t mean this in a crunchy hippie just-try-yoga way I mean this in a way that’s like…we’re inside all the time and most things we experience are scheduled ahead of time. When there are sidewalks, we follow them, and there’s always some boring place to go. You need things that no one has any control over and that no one can sell for money.

You need to be outside in a storm and see lightning strike very close to you. You need to meet a wild creature and have to stand very still and almost not even breathe and watch before it vanishes. You need to be alone somewhere very big. You need to go to a place because it looks interesting and be at the wrong place at the wrong time. You need to climb over a fence instead of going in by the gate. You need to hear the exploding sound of a huge flock of birds flying. You need to watch live theater performed by kids on a low budget. You need to be lost somewhere. You need to be barefoot somewhere. You need to sing with other people who are singing. You need to get soaking wet with all of your clothes on and come inside shivering.

[curlicuecal]

Whenever I take a long car ride I end up exhausted afterwards, and I'm always like "why am I so tired? I was just sitting around doing nothing all day."

But the answer, it turns out, is I was doing something. Riding in a car jars your body in many directions and requires constant microadjustments of your muscles just to stay in place and hold your normal posture. Because you're inside the car, inside the situation, it's easy not to notice all the extra work you're doing just to maintain the status quo.

There's all sorts of type of work that we think of as "free" that require spending energy: concentrating, making decisions, managing anxiety, maintaining hypervigilance in an unfriendly environment, dealing with stereotype threat, processing a lot of sensory input, repairing skin cells damaged sun exposure, trying to stay warm in a cold room.

The next time you think you're tired from "nothing", consider instead that you're probably in situation where you're doing a lot of unnoticed extra work just to stay in place.

[2o5]

shout out to all my middle school weird girls who grew up and are still weird but are no longer girls

[100493503004422]

growing up I was always afraid of being Found Out. not sure what I was hiding. just my whole self I guess