hi!!! i love writing and marvel and being a fangirl. and my cats. and the sun. and flowers. anywaysâŠ. hereâs my little fandom bubble. enjoy. đđ«¶đđ
series.
the right universe. (loki x female reader)
after y/n's life turns upside down, she's full of grief. somehow, one day, she manages to travel to the mcu, where she meets her favorite characters, including a certain god who seems willing to establish a friendship with her. suddenly she's enwrapped in this new world, where everything she loved in a screen is now reality. how will she react? will she be able to deal with the ghosts that haunt her? or will she let them consume her? will she be open to accept the love she is offered? read to find out!
one shots & drabbles.
marvel:
natasha romanoff:
i hate men
so⊠being hopelessly in love with your best friend and getting super drunk is not the best combination? who wouldâve thought? (a bit of angst but mostly fluff and female reader)
bigger than the whole sky
inspired by the song âbigger than the whole skyâ by taylor swift. you navigate the world after losing natasha on vormir. (angst, angst, angst, with a little bit of hopefulness cause iâm me and gender neutral reader)
hits different
in all the time you'd known natasha romanoff, there is one thing you knew for sure. there was no one like her. and if she were to leave, you'd never move on. a song fic. hits different by taylor swift. (angst and then fluff!!! and female reader)
timeloop + vormir fic
exactly what it says. what if you have to watch the love of your life die over and over again while unable to save her?
loki:
who could ever compare to you?
you have a conversation with loki after he does some dumb things because of jealousy (a tiny bit of angst but mostly fluff and some little bit tiny bit of smut. perhaps smut adjacent. oh and loki x gender neutral reader)
bucky barnes:
ours
a comment makes bucky question your relationship and he begins avoiding you. tired of his behavior you confront him. (angst leading to fluff. female reader)
the great war
you get jealous and have a fight with bucky. inspired by the great war by taylor swift. (angsty with emotional fluff at the end. female reader)
i see the light
tony stark decides to throw a valentineâs day party, but the invitation comes with one rule: no date, no entry. when reader shows up to the party with no one by her side and tony doesnât let her in, itâs up to bucky to find her and make everything better. (female reader friends to lovers yay)
fight for me
bucky breaks your heart due to letting other peoples opinions on you two win. will he be able to mend it? does he even care to?
the fate of ophelia
swiftie reader who insists bucky saved her from the fate of ophelia!!!! <333
gorgeous vs ready for it
you debate with nat and wanda whether bucky embodies the song gorgeous or ready for it by taylor swift. chaos ensues.
never thought iâd find you, but youâre here, and so i love you
when an accident in the lab causes 40s bucky to appear with all his charm and one liners and mended heart, its up to reader to let present bucky know that she doesnât wish for him to be like that or any different.
steve rogers:
waited my whole life
no summary itâs just a little thing, fluffy and reader struggling to be open with their emotions yay:) (gender neutral reader)
you came along and you changed everything:
a valentineâs day party makes you question whether youâll ever find love, especially since the one you love doesnât seem to love you back. then again, youâve always been kind of oblivious⊠(friends to lovers, angst to fluff, very cute)
request request part 2
steve rogers x gender neutral reader with a tough family life.
my best girl
basically steve and reader are together, peggy reappears through a time traveling machine, reader thinks steve will leave her and pushes him away. yay.
stranger things:
eddie munson:
why canât this be love?
inspired by why canât this be love by van halen. you and eddie have a no strings attached arrangement. and maybe youâre in love with him. who knows.
outer banks:
rafe cameron:
afterglow
inspired by the song afterglow by taylor swift. you let jealousy get in the way of the love you and rafe share. will you be able to fix it?
off campus:
john logan:
she toes the line between them, he says heâs new at this
she toes the line between them, he says heâs new at this (john logan x female reader)
a/n: heâs just so <333 !!!!! accepting request for him!!!
masterlist
âŠ
the first time you talk to john logan, you fall and drop your coffee.
on him.
and no, you donât fall because heâs attractive, or because heâs sort of famous on campus, or because youâre a clumsy cute girl from a wattpad novel written by a twelve year old in 2014.
you fall because youâre carrying three heavy textbooks, two notebooks and one laptop on your left arm, whilst trying to balance a coffee cup and a small bag with a donut inside on your right hand. and john logan had no better idea than to talk to his other kind of famous friend, garrett graham, walking backwards and gesturing exaggeratedly with his hands.
so lo and beholdâŠ
you.
on the floor.
papers everywhere.
and coffee right on his shoes.
god, you really wanted that coffee.
âoh god, you okay? iâm so sorry!â he tells you while he helps you up. meanwhile garrett graham barely contains his laughter. you donât know at the time that heâs not laughing at you, but rather at his friend.
ây-yeah. iâm fine.â you tell him as he crouches on the floor and starts picking up your things. âyou donât need to⊠do that. its okay, really.â
he looks up at you, all your things in his hands as if they donât weigh a thing.
âare you kidding? i need to do this and i also need to buy you another coffee. iâm sorry, again.â he tells you before his friend pats him on the shoulder and leaves.
you purse your lips. he stands up.
âits not necessary, i also ruined your shoes.â
âoh, these? theyâve seen worse. come on,â he says, your things still in his hands, âthereâs a coffee stand over there that has coffee that actually tastes like coffee and not a watered down version of it.â
you exhale through your nose, almost a laugh, but not quite. he looks at you, grinning.
you nod. and off you go.
âŠ
the second time you talk to john logan, well, you donât really talk at all.
turns out that pulling an all-nighter was not for you, you realize as you walk your way down the stairs into the classroom like a zombie dragging heavy chains behind you.
itâs not until you sit down and groan and curse under your breathâ something along the lines of this goddamn class and social injustice and god why did i stay awake all goddamn night???â that you hear a chuckle from behind you. you turn your head, frowning, and there he is.
your frown immediately softens, now a bit embarrassed by your little overreaction.
you narrow your eyes because heâs clearly amused by your state but he just lifts his hand and waves, mouthing a hi.
a smile tugs at your lips, but before you can say anything, the professor enters the space and starts the class.
âŠ
the third time you talk to john logan, youâve just received a bad grade. from that all-night study session. that clearly didnât work.
now, to be fair, you got a b+, which is, by most peopleâs standards, pretty okay. but youâre on a scholarship that depends on you getting good grades, if not perfect ones, and while one average grade wonât make them take away the help, it still makes the perfectionist in you freak out.
after you receive the grade, you spend the rest of the class spiraling.
itâs not until the class is over and almost everyone has cleared the room that a hand lands on your shoulder softly.
âhey, coffee girl. you okay?â
startled, you look up. and there he is, again. thereâs a frown in between his brows and concern covering his features. why would he be concerned? he doesnât even know my name.
and you blurt it out.
he blinks. then, very slowly, he smiles.
he says your name, almost as if testing it out, as if heâd gotten used to calling you coffee girl in his head.
âlogan. john. but most people call me logan.â he tells you.
you give him a small, polite smile.
ânice to officially meet you.â
âyeah.â he runs a hand through his hair. it looks soft. stop. âyou um⊠you okay? you seemed a bitâŠâ
you raise your eyebrows.
âin a crisis?â
he chuckles.
âyeah. kinda.â
âi got a bad grade.â
he furrows his brows.
âoh.â
you purse your lips.
âyeah.â you blink, then you realize he probably doesnât know what to say so you choose to reassure him. âbut itâs fine, iâll just have to study harder next time.â
âright.â he looks down at his shoes. then his eyes snap up to yours and it looks like heâs just had the best idea in the history of ideas. âi could help you, if you want. i mean, i got an a+.â
your eyes widen.
âyou- what?â
âhey, donât sound so surprised.â
you shake you head and move your hands in front of you frantically.
ân-no, no! i just meant⊠wow. thatâs a good grade.â he smirks, amused.
âyeah, some say itâs the best.â
a loud laugh escapes you and you quickly put your hand over your mouth in embarrassment, but he just full on grins.
âsoâŠâ
you blink rapidly.
ây-yeah, yes. please help me.â
he smiles.
âitâs settled then.â
âŠ
the fourth time you talk to john logan, you actually have a really nice conversation.
âhey,â
âhi,â you tell him as he sets his things down on the table and sits next to you. âthanks you for doing this.â
he waves you off with a gesture of his hand.
âoh, itâs no problem.â
the library is quietâspecially at this time of nightâ as he pulls out a notebook from his backpack.
âshall we?â
you smile and nod.
after a while, you both are blinking slowly, and your movements are becoming sluggish. still, you need to study and you donât want to stop until he tells you the session is over. after all, heâs the one thatâs using his free time to help you out for nothing in return.
you hear your name being called and snap out of your haze.
you blink a few times and realize heâd been talking to you. and you were staring into nothingness.
âsorry.â you say sheepishly.
he smiles.
âitâs okay.â he says before pursing his lips in thought. âi think weâre done for tonight. you hungry? cause i am.â
âi-â he raises his eyebrows. ây-yeah, a little.â
âthen letâs get you something to eat. a reward for the torture you just endured,â he pauses, âhearing me talk for three hours straight.â
you laugh loudly, thank god the library was pretty much empty by that time, and then look shocked by the sound that came out of you. but he doesnât seem to mind it, because heâs grinning from ear to ear.
after you pack your things, you both walk in silence to a pizza place near there. you order and sit down with your slices.
he starts eating immediately, but you find the slice to be too hot, so you wait a bit, awkwardly.
he swallows, looks at you and wipes his hands on a napkin.
âyou alright?â
you smile softly.
âyeah, just too hot.â
âthank you.â
you blink.
âthat was bad, wasnât it?â he asks.
you grin.
âquite.â
his laugh is loud, unbothered.
âhey, i forgot to ask you. what grade did you get?âyou tilt your head. he explains. âso we can know how much studying we have to do.â
âoh, um⊠a b+.â you mutter and start digging into your pizza with a plastic fork and knife.
âsorry?â he leans in to hear you better.
âa b+.â you say, louder this time.
john logan blinks. once. twice.
âa b+ made you freak out?â
you open your mouth, then close it like a fish trying to breathe out of water.
âwell, yes.â
he narrows his eyes and gestures to you.
âare you like an overachiever or something?â
you snort.
âi have to be if i want to keep studying here.â
understanding crosses his features.
âyouâre on a scholarship.â
âyup.â you say, popping the p.
âme too.â
you look at him.
âreally?â
âyeah, though mine relies on being very good at hockey.â
âand are you?â
he smiles.
âi try to be.â
you nod. then you look down at the pizza.
âi also try.â you tell him. ânot at hockey but-â
âeverything else.â he finishes for you.
âyeah,â you say on an exhale. âi just- no other choice.â you tell him.
âi get that.â he nods. then he looks thoughtful. âno oneâs coming to save people like us. we need to figure it out ourselves.â
you look at him. your smile widens.
âexactly.â
he smiles before gesturing to your paper plate with his head.
ânow eat, you did the best you could today, tomorrow will be better.â
and youâre not sure why, but you believe him.
that was the beginning of the end.
âŠ
months laterâŠ
youâre both watching a movie on your laptop in your room, laying down on your bed, when you realize it.
âhe has a sort of stupidity in his eyes youâll only find in certain pigeons.â you say as the male character walks into a coffee shop.
john chokes on his water.
âwhat are you even saying at this point?â
you shrug.
âthe truth.â
he laughs loudly.
âthat heâs⊠stupid as a pigeon?â
âno!â you laugh. âthat he has the same stupidity in his eyes that you would find in a pigeons.â
he shakes his head, almost trying to rid himself of the conversation.
âyou know, i canât believe iâm saying this because usually i can follow your ramblings, but⊠iâm-â
âflabbergasted?â you ask, interrupting him.
âlost.â he raises his eyebrows. âflabbergasted?â
you grin. he rolls his eyes affectionately.
âyou know,â you begin, movie long forgotten by this point, âyouâre the only one who can follow my ramblings.â
he looks at you.
âabout pigeons?â
you shrug nonchalantly.
âabout anything.â
he smirks softly. you look away.
then he nudges you with his elbow.
âyouâre not that hard to follow.â the way he says it makes your stomach lurch. you try to play it off.
âgee, thanks.â
he snorts.
âyou know what i mean.â
you purse your lips to stop yourself from smiling.
you know what he means.
because he isnât hard to follow either.
âŠ
itâs at a party where everything changes. when the end is finally in sight.
youâd both been acting⊠weird. there was a tension that neither of you spoke about, but it was there, and everybody noticed it. and worst of all, you heard that some puck bunny liked him and was planning on making a move tonight.
and she was pretty and cool and everything you werenât. everything he deserved.
you went there early to help tucker make the dippables, and he hadnât been there.
still wasnât. apparently practice was running late.
you were about to text him when some shouts echoed in the house.
garrett and dean were entering through the front door. where is-
john.
there he is. entering the house calmly, completely different than the other two who love the attention.
he spots you immediately. he always does. and he grins.
but before he can approach you, a really pretty girl approaches himâ it takes you a second to realize it the girlâ and puts her hand on his bicep while whispering something in his ear.
you know what that means, so you look away, trying to spare yourself the hurt. and suddenly, you donât feel like being at this party anymore.
you get up to leave, knowing that none of the boys will hold it against you since youâve been there for hours already.
what you donât notice though, is john looking longingly at your leaving figure.
âŠ
now in your room, after saying your good nights to hannah and allie, you lay on your bed, defeated.
whyâd i have to fall for a guy so many people fawn over?
the thing is, he wasnât just any guy. he was john. and that meant something. well, it meant everything. he did.
and he was probably sleeping with someone else right now, which he had the absolute right to do, because you were a complete and total coward and couldnât admit your feelings, not even to your best friends. though you had a feeling they knew.
somehow, you manage to almost fall asleep after a bit of wallowing in self pity. well, you wouldâve totally fallen asleep if a really loud knock hadnât resounded against your⊠window?
who knocks on windows these days?
oh god, youâre getting murdered tonight. you sit up slowly in the darkness, trying to not let the killer know youâre there.
your name said by a voice you know all too well makes you stop.
âjohn?â you say as you move towards the window and open it.
he very awkwardly manages to enter through it and stands there in your dark room, a bit proud of himself due to not falling. still, thereâs something bothering him, you can tell. maybe the thing with the puck bunny didnât go so well.
guilt twists your stomach at the relief you feel by thinking that.
âhey,â he says.
âwhat are you doing here?â he looks at you.
âyou left.â
your lips purse.
âyeah, i was just tired.â
âbut you didnât say goodbye.â
he sounds genuinely sad.
âi- you were busy.â
his brows furrow.
âbusy?â
âyeah⊠with that⊠girl.â you say, looking down at your hands. âdidnât wanna interrupt.â
âwhat girl?â
âjohn, donât play dumb.â
he sighs, and runs a hand through his hair. then he looks at you.
âif youâre talking about melissa, she did try to flirt but i shut her down.â
your eyes widen a bit.
âwhy would you do that?â
âwhy-â he laughs, though itâs not amused. itâs almost⊠frustrated.
âjohn?â
his eyes close for a moment and breathes in and out one time like heâs bracing himself for someone to punch him. then he opens them, and says your name so softly you almost donât hear it.
you instinctively step closer.
âhey⊠whatâs- whatâs going on?â
he shakes his head, like he canât bring himself to say it.
you look at him. his posture is stiff, yet his eyes are soft. and then you start thinking about the way he laughed before when you asked why he rejected the girl like it was obviousâŠ
oh.
oh.
âjohnâŠâ
âiâm new at this.â he says before grabbing your hands. âand apparently iâm not very good at it.â
you open your mouth to speak but he begs you with his eyes to let him finish.
âi love you.â he says, simply. âiâve loved you for months and iâve been trying to tell you but i- iâm a coward.â
âyouâre not.â you say, frowning. âyouâre the bravest person i know.â he laughs softly.
âapparently not when it comes to you.â
your eyes soften and you caress his cheekbone with your thumb, now closer than youâve ever been to him.
âwell then weâre both cowards.â he opens his mouth, about to ask you but you stop him. âcause i love you too.â
âyou- you do?â
you purse your lips to stop yourself from smiling, and he can tell.
âof course i do.â
âi-â
âare you-â
âif you say flabbergasted i swear to god.â
your laugh is loud and carefree and so relieved and it only dies down a little when he leans forward.
âjohnâŠâ
âplease let me kiss you.â
your small but confident nod is all he needs to fully lean into you, and when his lips finally lay on top of yours, peace settles in your bones. and as both your mouths move together in sync you know: you just came home.
when you pull away, your foreheads resting against the others, youâre both panting.
âi think,â he starts slowly, âi think iâve loved you since that day you laughed too loudly at the diner.â
âto be completely honest,â you begin and he waits expectantly, âyour joke was really bad.â
he laughs and rolls his eyes.
âyouâre impossible.â
âand yetâŠâ you tell him. he smirks.
âyet, youâre my favorite person in the world, coffee girl.â
âso are you, john logan.â you grin. âso are you.â
never thought iâd find you, but youâre here, and so i love you (bucky barnes x female reader)
summary: when an accident in the lab causes 40s bucky to appear with all his charm and one liners and mended heart, its up to reader to let present bucky know that she doesnât wish for him to be like that or any different.
a/n: i had this idea for a while!!!! needed to write it. i love bucky barnes so much!!!!! <3
masterlist
\\\\
the first conversation you have with bucky barnes, if you could even call it that, he isnât very friendly. but neither are you.
âbuck, this is y/n, the new member of our team.â you smile at him, awkward. youâve never been very good with people. he looks at you and simply nods. relief floods you when he doesnât seem to want to talk. then, he turns to steve.
âi have to go train.â steve raises his eyebrows, surprised at his best friends rudeness, but eventually just nods with a tight lipped smile.
âalright, iâll show y/n around.â and then, the brooding man leaves. steve turns to you.
âiâm sorry about him. heâs still⊠adjusting.â
you shake your head and try to give him a convincing smile. something that makes you look like a functional human.
âitâs fine. donât worry about it.â
while the reassurance is automatic, you still mean it. you know his story, you understand not trusting people, and really, he doesnât owe you anything other than basic decency.
âŠ
the second conversation you have with bucky barnes, he still isnât very friendly. and again, neither are you.
heâs in the kitchen when you enter. sam is also there and he greets you kindly. youâre still new here and you havenât made any friends, but everyone is nice.
bucky doesnât even glance at you as he stirs his coffee. you gulp, debating whether you should tell him that heâs in the way of you grabbing a mug. samâs phone rings and he mutters something about a meeting he forgot.
you stand there, frozen. staring.
slowly, with narrowed eyes, bucky barnes turns to you.
âdid you need something?â
your mouth opens and closes in a failed attempt to speak. he raises an eyebrow.
ây-yeah, yes. a mug. itâs kind ofâŠâ you gesture with your head to the cupboard that heâs in front of, âover here.â
âah,â he nods curtly and then steps aside to let you grab what you need.
you donât say thank you, but you do try to offer a small grateful smile. though youâre sure you look like youâre in pain.
âŠ
the third conversation you have with bucky barnes, well, isnât a conversation at all.
the mission had been a mess. every single thing that was planned did not happen and instead every thing that everybody planned on not happening happened.
you find yourself crying in the kitchen at four am after a nightmare. memory, what a tricky thing. for a moment you almost believe youâre living a double life, parallel to the present.
you donât hear him come in. so you donât stop crying silently.
when you finally do see him, he just walks into the kitchen as if nothing out of the ordinary is happening, and you quickly try to wipe the evidence of sadness off your face.
as you look down at your hands on the table, you hear him tinkering around. you donât glance at him. youâre not sure why you donât just get up and leave, something glueing you to the chair.
suddenly, a metal hand appears on your periphery, holding a mug. he slides it to you, and you notice its tea. then, he sits down in the chair in front of you and takes a sip from his own mug, quietly.
for a while, he sips and you stare at your mug. itâs all silent, not even your breathing can be heard.
you donât say thank you, this time because you donât want to disrupt the almost peace that has settled, though you do grab the mug in between your hand gently and take a sip, looking at him.
he seems to understand.
it doesnât take him long to realize that you understand too.
and together, you help each other be functional.
âŠ
a year laterâŠ
âgood morning!â you say as soon as you enter the kitchen, clearly in a great mood.
âgood morningâŠ?â sam says, confused.
âyes! it is a good morning!â
âwhyâs that?â steve asks as he enters the kitchen with bucky right behind him. he smiles softly at you and you feel so warm you think you mustâve swallowed the sun.
âwhyâs that?â you repeat. âwhy not? the sun is shining, the birds are singing, bucky is gonna rewatch tangled with me once againâŠâ
understanding crosses the features of sam and steve, and bucky raises his eyebrows.
âuh, since when?â he asks.
âsince⊠now?â you look at him pleadingly. âcome on buck, you love it, you always sing along.â
âno, i complain while you sing along.â
âexactly, itâs like our thing.â
âyou two seem to have a lot of things.â sam says with narrowed eyes.
âwell, yeah, iâm his favorite. sorry steve.â you tell him, not even a little bit sorry.
steve just rolls his eyes playfully as bucky huffs out a laugh. then he looks at you thoughtfully.
âyouâre not gonna leave me alone until i watch it with you, right?â
you grin.
ânope.â
he sighs, faking exasperation.
âfine.â
âthat took so much convincing.â you say sarcastically.
âyeah, i think he would jump off a building if you asked him nicely.â sam mutters loud enough for everyone to hear.
âi would never. unless he ate my ice cream.â
bucky looks at you, scandalized.
âi wouldnât! i know how serious ice cream is to you, doll.â
âgod buck, you just get me.â you tell him, wiping imaginary tears with your index finger.
âalright, we get it. can you get a room?â sam asks, rolling his eyes.
âyup, thatâs exactly what weâre doing.â the three men look at you with wide eyes. âto watch tangled, guys. god, get your heads out of the gutter!â you laugh. âcome on, bucky!â
and you drag him by the arm away from the kitchen.
âŠ
âhey buck?â he hums as he gets more comfortable on your couch, the movie almost halfway done. âyou would be a good flynn rider. like, in a live action movie or a play or something.â
bucky sputters, and looks at you like youâve suddenly grown two heads.
âi would- what?â
you nod repeatedly, sure in your statement.
âyeah, youâd be a good flynn rider. youâve got that whole⊠thing going for you.â you say, gesturing all around him with your hands.
âthing?â he says, eyebrows raised.
âmhm, that whole rugged hot guy thing.â
he frowns.
âim not rugged- did you just call me hot?â
âyeah, bucky, keep up. everybody here looks like they came right out of a vogue cover.â
âi-â he stops, sighs, then shakes his head, like trying to rid himself of the absurdity of the conversation. âjust watch the movie, doll.â
âbut-â
âlook, itâs your favorite part!â he cuts you off, using two fingers to redirect your face to the tv screen.
you huff, but continue watching, enjoying his presence.
âŠ
youâre having breakfast with nat and clint, chatting about anything and everything, when they both pause and look at you.
âsoâŠâ nat begins.
âsoâŠâ you repeat.
âshould i say so too?â
you snort at clintâs question but nat rolls her eyes.
âi heard that yesterday you and barnes were in your room watching a movie.â
âuh huhâŠâ
âalone.â
realization hits you.
âoh.â
âyeah, oh.â
you sigh. one thing about natasha romanoff was that she knew everything. it also didnât help that you told her everything, her being your best friend and all. so she knew about you. and bucky. and you and bucky. together only in your silly and hopeful and stupid heart.
âdid you finally make a move?â clint asks, leaning forward in his chair.
you scoff, almost offended.
âmake a move? heâs not some random guy at a bar. heâs-â
âbucky.â he says.
âyour bucky.â nat says in a mockingly sweet tone.
âokay-â you deadpan. though the heat you feel on your body says that you donât really mind calling him that.
you just wish it were true.
âcome on,â nat says, âheâs in love with you too, you know? thatâs why heâs so comfortable around you.â
âheâs- not. iâm just one of his closest friends.â
âsteve has been his best friend since they were born and he doesnât act like that with him.â
âi have to agree there.â clint says. âhe does not look at steve with hearts in his eyes.â
âhe doesnât-â
âoh my god, you are so stubborn!â she says. âthatâs why youâre perfect together.â
ânat.â you tell her. âplease, just drop it.â
âwhy?â
âi just-â you purse your lips. you wonât tell them that this is not a crush, that youâre not just head over heals in love with him like a normal regular person falls in love with another. you wonât tell them that heâs everything, that heâs the reason why the world is bearable, that he helped you be who you are now, that he- that there is no you without him. so you just look at both of them pleadingly and say: âplease.â
they stop insisting after that.
âŠ
âsam, if you donât give me back my pancake i swear to god-â
âyour pancake? i made them!â he protests while bucky and steve look at both of you in amusement.
âfor me, right?â you do the best impression of the doe eyes you can muster. sam looks at you. he blinks. and sighs dramatically. then he hands you the plate.
âthanks sammy!â you tell him as you kiss his cheek.
you sit at the table and begin talking with the three of them, until tony shows up, trying to catch his breath like heâd been running.
âhey- hi- hello- i-â
steve narrows his eyes.
âwhat did you do now, tony?â
âwell, you see, it was actually bruceâs fault-â
âit was not my faultâ bruce says now entering the kitchen.
âokay, so it was my fault, what does it matter?â he says, gesturing around with his hands like a maniac.
âtony, what happened?â you ask. he looks at you. then he looks pointedly at bucky, and he freezes under the intense stare. you frown in confusion and a bit of worry. tony smiles sheepishly probably for the first time in his life.
âyou should see it for yourselves.â
âŠ
steve gapes.
sam stares wide eyed.
tony and bruce fidget nervously.
you blink once. twice.
and bucky⊠wellâŠ
heâs completely frozen.
heâs completely frozen because in front of you, on the other side of the glass doors of the lab, is bucky. but not the bucky you know. nope. itâs bucky⊠from the forties.
you recognize him immediately, the haircut, the youthful expression as he looks around the place, the sergeant uniform. the arm. more specifically, two flesh arms. no metal in sight.
it takes the young version of bucky a few minutes to realize that youâre all looking at him, and he waves at tony and bruce, almost like he has known them all his life.
âalright, here goes nothing.â tony says, pressing a code on a screen and causing the doors to open.
and there he stands. forties bucky.
âi- tony- how?â steve asks first, stepping forward.
âhey pal.â forties bucky tells him.
steve freezes. then he breathes out.
âhey buck.â
sam narrows his eyes and gets closer.
âdamn, i get why he was a ladies man. hell, i wouldâve fallen for him back in the day.â
forties bucky smirks, amused. then he looks behind sam to you and his future version.
his eyes go back and forth, and eventually settle on present bucky, who steps forward.
âstark,â he begins, calmly. perhaps too calm, you think. âwhat the hell did you do?â
you donât know why, but youâre sure that bucky needs you right now. so you step forward and lay a hand on his upper arm.
forties bucky looks at you.
âhey there,â
âhi.â you offer him a small awkward smile. everythingâs weird. you donât know what to do. then you look at the pair of mad scientists in front of you, though you feel bad for thinking of bruce like that. âwhat did you guys do?â
âso, hereâs the thing-â
âtony, let me, please.â bruce cuts him off. tony raises his hands in surrender and shrugs. then bruce starts talking, looking at you and present bucky. âwe were working on a teleportation machine, if you will.â
you nod.
âand?â
âand we basically miscalculated the amount of energy we could create with it, which inevitably created a wormhole through space and time and brought the younger version of bucky to this timeline.â
you all stay silent.
âif i may-â tony begins but steve cuts him off.
âyou may not.â he tells him disapprovingly, knowing full well that he had roped bruce into it.
âsteve, weâre already working on a solution.â bruce reassures him.
âwonât that cause the present to change, yâall have never seen back to the future?â sam asks.
bruce lets out a laugh and looks at tony, but when he shakes his head and gestures to the non-laughing people, he sobers up.
ân-no. no, thats⊠not how it works.â
âthen how does it work?â you ask.
âwell, itâs really complicated, but basically this young bucky is not the younger version of our bucky, but rather a younger version of another older bucky, from a different timeline.â
âso nothing will change about our present,â tony says, âand we donât really know the other present so itâs probably fine.â
steve raises his eyebrows.
âitâs probably fine?â
tony pauses.
âitâsâŠfine. it is!â he insists.
âgod tonyâŠâ steve shakes his head in disbelief.
âim not hearing a god bruce over here, he was as much part of this as i am!â
you look at him, deadpan. he opens his mouth to protest, but eventually realizes that no one will believe him.
âalright, enough.â steve says. then he turns to bruce. âyou said youâre working on a solution. what do we do in the meantime?â
sam purses his lips.
âshow him to a roomâŠ? i mean heâs staying here for the time being.â he says.
âbuck, is that alright?â steve asks him.
bucky just turns to leave, not before saying over his shoulder:
âitâs fine.â
âŠ
the days pass, and while forties bucky seems to be thriving, quite literally enchanting everyone at the compound, present bucky⊠well, heâs not.
he hasnât said anything to you that implies that heâs not, but you know him and you know that somethingâs not right. and you know that because he seems too fine. too calm. too ordinary. if only you could figure out what he was thinkingâŠ
âŠ
steve is chirpier than usual, tony keeps asking for funny stories about his father, bruce asks scientific questions, and wanda giggles anytime forties bucky speaks her way, making vision very confused.
but forties bucky? well, heâs seems hell-bent on talking to you.
âŠ
youâre in your pajamas making your morning cup of coffee, as usual, and another cup for bucky when his younger version comes into the kitchen.
âhey there, that for me?â
you look up.
âuh⊠actually itâs for your older version. but i can make another one for him. here,â you tell him as you hand him the mug.
âthanks, doll.â
you offer him a small smile.
âsoâŠâ you begin. he raises one eyebrow. âhow⊠um⊠how are you?â you frown internally at how awkward you sound.
forties bucky smirks, amused.
âoh, good. just the usual stuff. getting sucked by a black hole into the future.â
you purse your lips, trying not to laugh.
âtechnically, it was a wormhole.â
âright.â he grins. and it hits you just how charming and outgoing and light he is. was.
suddenly, you feel the urge to go see bucky.
âyou alright?â he asks, probably because your smile dropped in a matter of a second.
you look at him.
ây-yeah. yes. i just⊠forgot i have to be somewhere. yes! somewhere⊠else. bye!â
and youâre gone, walking fast towards the elevator, almost punching in the floor to your favorite place in the entire structure.
his room.
âŠ
you knock three times.
then another.
and another.
one more for good measure.
but nothing happens.
you donât hear shuffling on the other side of the door. you donât hear buckyâs slow breathing.
heâs not there.
you think it through for about two seconds before you decide: youâre going in. itâs not like youâve never just entered buckyâs room without him explicitly telling you to come in, itâs just that youâve never done that without him being in the room. and for some reason that makes you nervous.
you take a deep breath and turn the handle, slowly creaking open the door.
when you step inside, everything seems normal. buckyâs bed is made, but poorly. you always tease him about it, about his messy way of organizing and cleaning, but secretly you adore it. itâs imperfect, itâs real, and itâs so bucky.
you walk even further into the bedroom and inhale his scent thatâs all over the place. itâs his body wash mixed with the leather jacket he wears and something thatâs smells like coming home after being away for too long. perhaps there is one word that starts with âLâ and ends with âEâ for that specific scent, but you canât really name it right now.
youâre about to leave when something catches your eye; just under his pillow, a journal.
you donât know why, blame it on the revolution that forties bucky has caused, because normally you wouldâve never done it, but you grab it with the intention of opening it. before you can though, another thing catches your attention.
itâs a very heavily folded piece of paper, right inside his pillowcase, even more hidden than the journal. and something calls you to it. maybe destiny, maybe just curiosity.
you put the journal down on the bedside table and grab the small paper. sitting down on the bed, you unfold it slowly. and your heart stutters.
itâs a picture of you. a picture bucky took a while ago, that day that you dragged him to the forest next to the compound to have a âmandatory picnicâ because you found out heâd never had one.
in the photo, youâre smiling brightly. it doesnât surprise you based on who was behind the camera. you look⊠youâd almost say beautiful.
why did he have that picture? why inside his pillowcase? was nat right?
you hold the picture to your chest as you close your eyes, trying to calm down your erratic heartbeat.
suddenly, you hear footsteps outside. quickly, you move to place everything back where it was. youâre about to fold the picture exactly the same when you pause. something is written on the back of it.
your eyes read over the words, and a lump forms in your throat, making you forget that bucky is probably about to come in and see you invading his privacy.
i wouldâve deserved her back then.
âŠ
when the door finally opens, he just stares at you, wide-eyed. thereâs a flash of fear in his eyes, that is then very quickly replaced by betrayal.
âbucky-â
âwhat are you doing?â he asks you coldly.
âiâm- i was- i just wanted to see you but then you werenât here and i-â
âso you decided to go through my things?â he cuts you off.
ân-no! i mean, i just saw it and i donât know why-â you take in a sharp breath. âiâve just been so⊠worried about you. and⊠i donât know. iâm sorry. iâm so sorry.â you say tearfully.
he just looks at you. slowly, his expression softens. heâs still on edge though, you can tell. probably because of what you saw. bucky huffs out a laugh thatâs everything but amused. itâs a bitter sound, and you hate it coming out of his lips.
âso, you saw it?â
you consider lying for just a second, but decide against it, so you nod, looking at the floor. youâre about to say sorry again when you remember exactly what you saw.
your eyes fall on his face. heâs looking at you with a neutral expression. you know its not real.
âwhat did you mean by that?â
he blinks. you wait.
then he runs a hand through his hair and huffs again.
âdo you really need me to explain it?â
youâre not sure what it is, maybe his tone, the words, the huff of air he lets out, but suddenly, you know exactly what he meant by it. you open your mouth to speak, but fall silent immediately. thereâs too much to say and the words feel like theyâre fighting against each other.
so you stand up from the bed, and slowly approach him.
as you get closer, he looks at you. his expression is raw. once youâre at arms length from him, you stop.
âbucky.â you say softly.
âdonât.â he pleads.
âbucky,â you repeat, even softer.
he looks at you. you smile, encouraging.
âexplain it to me.â
he closes his eyes. for a moment you think heâs going to shut down, to kick you out, to never mention this again. and you wouldnât blame him for it. itâs just that⊠you love him.
âheâsâŠâ he sighs, defeated. âheâs funny. and heâs not broken. and everybody likes him and i donât blame them.â he shakes his head, looking down. then he looks up and into your eyes. âi couldâve been good.â
and that last sentence, it kills you.
it kills you because you know he means it.
âyou are good.â
air comes out of his nose as he almost laughs at what you just said, wanting to shut it down. but you wonât let him. you wonât.
âlisten to me, bucky. you are good, but youâre also so much more than good.â
âbut iâm not him.â he tells you, defeated. âhe wouldâve-â
you purse your lips. you know what heâs going to say. because you read it. so you shrug.
âyouâre right. youâre not. and bucky,â you tell him, voice soft, âheâs funny, and charming, and gorgeous.â
you pause. he looks at you. then you smile.
âbut heâs not you. heâs not my bucky.â
ây/n-â he tries to speak but you raise a hand so heâll let you finish.
âbuck, listen to me. i need you to listen to me.â you say, full of determination. âi need you to know that i donât just tolerate or accept you. i encourage you. i adore you. i think youâre the funniest, smartest, kindest person in the world. i think that you were unbroken, and then you broke, and then you put all the pieces back together. and i know, not in the same way, youâll never be the same as you were before, but youâre still beautiful, youâre still you. still my bucky.
this is the version of you that i met, this is the version that stood by me ever since that day you found me crying in the kitchen at four am. this version, you, are the reason i want to keep fighting. and i donât care about deserving, though you do, because this is the version i want.â
when you finish, your chest is rising and falling fast, like youâve just run a marathon. you actually did something more straining: you bared your entire heart.
bucky is stunned in front of you. but thereâs something in his eyes, something you canât quite read, but it makes you shiver.
ây/n,â he says in a breath. he shakes his head and lets out a small disbelieving laugh. âfuck, i love you.â
you swallow.
âi love you too, buck.â
he shakes his head again, thinking you didnât understand him.
âno, doll.â he says as he steps closer to you, so close you can feel his breath on your face. his flesh hand cradles your cheek. âi love you.â he says again, and this time, when you look at him, he knows you know.
your eyes shine with love and adoration and barely contained devotion.
âbucky,â you say breathily, heart feeling like itâs going to escape your chest. your lower lip trembles. âi love you too.â
and he kisses you.
his lips, so soft, so gentle, are on yours, almost scared, fully reverent. but after a few moments of just a press of lips, the kiss turns more insistent. more passionate.
bucky is kissing you like a man starved that has just been served a full meal and he canât stop eating for one second, not even to breathe, not even to make sure he doesnât choke.
the rest of the night goes by in a blur. but youâve never felt a clearer mind than with the man you can now confidently call yours.
and as you lay naked, twisted in his sheets, head on his chest, you know. thereâs no other version of him that you could love more.
summary: basically steve and reader are together, peggy reappears through a time traveling machine, reader thinks steve will leave her and pushes him away. yay.
a/n: i love peggy carter so this is not the place to be a hater. enjoy!!!
masterlist
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you donât know how you got here. avoiding the man you know to be the love of your life, unsure whether he wants to stay or go.
you suppose there was a catalyst, a big one a few days agoâŠ
âŠ
the light coming in from the open window blinds you and you shut your eyes tightly while a groan escapes your mouth. you hear a chuckle behind you, then his scratchy beard against your shoulder as he nuzzles into you.
âmorning, sweetheart.â he says, voice raspy and oh so hot.
you canât stop the grin that plasters itself on your face.
âgood morning, stevie.â your body turns until youâre face to face with him and you start running your fingers through his hair. he moans softly with his eyes closed and you swallow the heat it makes you feel. god, you love him like this. just yours. your stevie.
when he finally looks at you, his sleepy eyes shine with love.
âany plans today?â
you scrunch up your nose and he sighs, already knowing the answer. youâve been together for long enough that he knows every single one of your expressions.
âiâm gonna kill tony one of these days.â
you gasp, faking surprise.
âcaptain america? murder?â he bites his lip, but you can tell he wants to laugh at your antics.
âitâs romantic, honey. i would be killing him so he wouldnât make you work all the time and we could spend all day together.â
âoh,â you tell him, getting closer to his face and almost putting your lips to his, âi didnât see it like that, now i get it.â
you stare at each other before bursting out in laughter. as he sobers up, he looks at you still laughing and canât help but pull you closer with the arm thatâs around your waist.
âcan i go with you?â he asks, doing his best impression of the puppy dog eyes.
âyouâll be bored and tony will get antsy.â he is still looking at you with those goddamn eyes and you have to sigh. this man, you just canât say no to him. âalright, but if tony gets annoying, donât say i didnât warn you.â
âyes maâam.â he grins, and so do you.
âŠ
getting ready with steve was a mixture between actually getting ready and kissing and laughing like teenagers who didnât want to get caught by their parents. ever since you two met, almost three years ago, there was something about him that made you feel⊠unguarded. free. safe. safe to be who you were, who you felt like being in the moment, who you wanted to be. and in turn, you were his calm space, his no expectations other than be yourself space. and his girl.
âŠ
âoh, i see you brought the boyfriend.â
you snort when you look at steveâs already exasperated face.
âtony, weâve known each other for almost a decade.â
tony just shrugs as he tinkers with some things on the table.
the lab is where you both work. well, more like where he works and you organize. youâre not fully educated to know all the things he does, but you are creative so he always appreciates your input.
âwhat are you doing?â you ask him.
âtrying to fix this quantum reactor so our little invention actually teleports people and doesnât pulverize them on the spot.â
you nod.
âyeah, that would be⊠ideal.â
tony smirks.
âso⊠got anything?â
steve looks at you curiously and you grin.
âactually, i do.â
getting closer to the table, you grab a tablet and use your voice command to have F.R.I.D.A.Y pull up some files.
âso, we have the energy.â you begin.
âif i can fix the reactor then-â
you cut tony off.
âyou will. so,â you continue, âwe have the energy, now we need a stabilizer.â tapping a few things on the tablet, you continue talking. âweâve tried creating exotic matter with things like helium, but what if we use metal as our superconductor? more specifically⊠vibranium?â
tony narrows his eyes as steve looks at both of you in confusion.
âthat⊠could work.â you smile. âit could also fry the entirety of new york.â your smile drops.
âbut-â
âwe have to try it.â he finishes.
âreally?â you ask, hopeful. tony smiles softly and then begins walking towards the exit.
âreally. i do have to ask bruce about the specifics to then ask the wakandans for the vibranium, but-â he turns and looks at you. âyou did great, kid.â and he leaves.
you turn to look at steve to find that heâs already looking at you in awe.
you feel yourself get hot under his intense gaze.
âwhat?â you ask shyly.
âyouâre amazing, you know that?â you open your mouth to deflect the compliment but he cuts you off by grabbing your waist and pulling you in for a breathtaking kiss. when you pull away, he puts his forehead against yours. âiâm the luckiest man alive.â
you shake your head softly.
âiâm the lucky one here, stevie.â
he smiles softly and pecks your lips.
âweâre both lucky then, yeah?â
âyeah.â you say, a little breathless. âi love you.â
and steve, he melts.
âi love you more.â
âŠ
âalright, ready?â bruce asks as he fiddles with the controls.
tony checks out a few things on the side of the machine, where the central console is. as he does that, you, steve and bucky stand there watching excitedly. and a little bit scared. bucky more than anyone, since the first trial of the teleportation machine consists of attempting to teleport his very own vibranium arm.
âone second⊠almost there- done!â tony exclaims. then he turns to bruce. âready.â
you look at steve. he grabs your hand. bucky rolls his eyes playfully.
âletâs hope y/nâs idea doesnât blow up new york.â
âbruce!â you admonish him. âyou are also part of this. we are all to blame if something goes wrong.â
âsorry,â he says, guiltily, âyouâre right. letâs hope we donât blow up new york.â he corrects himself.
every one of you takes a step back, getting closer to where bruceâs location is in the lab, putting a safe distance between you and the machine that could explode.
âokay, in three, two, oneâŠâ silence. slow motion. fear.
as soon as he presses the buttons, you all prepare yourselves for the arm to disappear and reappear a few meters away from its original position. what you donât prepare for is for nothing to happen. and when you say nothing, it means nothing. not a damn thing moves.
you feel disappointment sink into your stomach. god, you were so excited about your idea. so happy to make tony proud.
âiâm sorry kid,â he says as he puts a hand on your shoulder.
you watch with unshed tears as bucky begins walking over to the machine in order to grab his arm while steve tells you âitâs okay, sweetheart.â you donât expect, though, the sparks that start coming out of it as soon as he grabs his vibranium limb. your friend runs back to where youâre all standing and staring at the potential explosion. the gleam becomes more intense, and the floor starts shaking, causing things that were neatly placed to fall over. you grab onto steveâs hand as he steps forward to shield you from the blast. in a second, a blue light erupts from the center of the machine and hits everything, making all of you tumble and fall to the floor.
âŠ
your ears are ringing, and you can smell the smoke thatâs probably everywhere.
ây/n! y/n!â you hear faintly. your eyes open to reveal a frantic steve, grabbing onto your shoulders and shaking you, trying to get you to wake up. when he realizes youâre conscious he sighs in relief and wraps his arms around you, hugging you tightly.
âis-â your voice comes out breathy and raspy, so you clear your throat. slowly the ringing starts to fade. âeveryone okay?â you ask him, wide eyes terrified.
âweâre all good, just a bit barbecued.â tonyâs response makes you laugh despite the situation.
you cough and move your hand to dissipate the black smoke near you. it does not budge.
you try to look for bucky and find him at the back of the lab trying to put on him arm.
âbuck!â you try to stand and find that your whole body is shaking, so you hold on to steve as you move slowly. âiâll help you, wait.â
as you attach the arm to your friend, the smoke starts dissipating. bruce and tony ask F.R.I.D.A.Y to turn on the ventilators and start running diagnostics. steve starts walking towards you, but then everything stops.
from the black smoke emerges, not a ghost per se, but the closest thing to one you can think of.
âsteve!â peggy carter stands there, in all her glory, looking confused and relieved at the same time.
and thatâs when it starts.
âŠ
after that, a lot of things happen. in order, the list goes like this:
-steve freezes.
-steve turns.
-peggy runs.
-peggy hugs him.
-he hugs her back.
âŠ
the rest of the day goes by in a blur. peggy explains that she was in her office in the fifties when a circle, which bruce deduced was a wormhole, appeared and sucked her in. steve keeps looking at her like heâs seen a ghost and his salvation. bucky looks at you sympathetically. you pretend you donât see it. tony comes to the conclusion that the machine, instead of teleporting people or things from place to place, somehow teleports people or things from one time to another, through a wormhole.
âŠ
that night, when steve comes into your shared room and lays beside you, you pretend to be asleep. and when he wraps his arm around your waist and positions himself close to you, you do your best to stop your heart from breaking.
âŠ
you try to keep it together. you really do.
days pass, in which she settles more into the rhythm of the compound.
one day, you find her alone in the kitchen.
âhi.â she says.
âhey,â
âi donât think iâve properly introduced myself. iâm margaret, but you can call me peggy.â
you give your best attempt at a smile. as if you didnât already know everything about her.
ây/n, i⊠kind of brought you here.â
peggyâs eyebrows raise.
âwell⊠you have quite the mind.â
you snort.
âthank you. and iâm sorry, it must be a lot to be transported to another time.â
she gives you a smile.
âit is, but⊠itâs nice seeing some people again.â
you stomach twists.
âiâm sure it is.â you smile, again. âanyway- i have to go. steve will drive me crazy if i miss training.â
her eyes light up at the mention of his name.
âare you two⊠close?â she asks in a tone you canât really read.
you stop. what should you say? should you tell her that youâve been together for the past couple of years, that heâs the love of your life, that you would die without him?
you swallow.
âyeah, weâre all really close here.â you offer her a polite smile and then leave.
âŠ
after that conversation, a realization hits you: youâre going to lose him. heâs hers.
and when he realizes that sheâs his too, itâs over for you.
heâll be so nice about it, but the kindness wonât matter, after he leaves you, your heart will never mend itself again.
so you start avoiding him. when he enters a room, you find an excuse to leave. during training, you always pick bucky or natasha. at night, when he comes into your shared room, you pretend to be asleep.
conversations cut short, smiles that donât quite reach your eyes. touches that make you feel like youâve burnt yourself.
a week passes like that. then a week and a half. it all comes to a halt one night, exactly sixteen days since she appeared.
âŠ
youâre in bed, reading with the bedside lamp on, when you hear footsteps outside your door. you recognize him immediately, you would be able to recognize him blind or deaf just by the rhythm of his heart. a heart that used to beat for you. or maybe it never did, maybe you were always second, a consolation prize.
quickly, you close the book and turn off the lamp, getting into the covers and laying down, pretending to be asleep.
the door opens and you can smell him. you wait with your eyes closed for the small noises of his nightly routine to start, but they never do. now that you think about it, after the door closed you stopped hearing footsteps. is he just standing there?
âi know youâre awake.â
your heart stops. you debate whether to keep pretending or face the music, and eventually realize that you canât hide forever.
you swallow and stretch your arm to turn on the lamp. then you sit up, the covers pooling at your waist.
âi was trying to sleep.â you say meekly.
he narrows his eyes. he seems⊠not quite upset. but not calm either.
âyou were avoiding me.â
âi wasnât-â
âlike youâve been avoiding me for the past couple of weeks.â he cuts you off. you look off to the side, unable to face him. unable to face all of it.
what are you without him?
ây/n,â he says. you clench your jaw. âsweetheart.â your eyes close tightly.
âdonât⊠please.â youâre not sure what youâre asking for. not sure if youâre begging him to drop the subject, to not leave you, to not call you sweetheart or to not stop loving you.
he takes a step closer.
âdonât what?â
your breaths are becoming ragged. you stand up from the bed and walk backwards, putting more distance between you two. the look of hurt on his face shatters the last unbroken remains of your heart.
âwhatâs going on?â he asks, and the obliviousness in his tone agitates you.
âwhatâs-â a bitter laugh escapes you. âwhatâs going on?â
understanding crosses his features.
âitâs about peggy, isnât it?â
âno! itâs not about her! itâs about you!â you plead with your eyes for him to drop the subject, to let it go. to let you go.
you donât know that steve rogers would rather face a thousand painful deaths than do that.
âwhat about me?â
you lower lip wobbles, and your eyes fill with tears and defeat.
âi just-â you swallow, âi thought i would make it easier.â he tilts his head for a second, confusion covering his beautiful features. when he realizes what you mean, he takes a step forward.
you try but canât put more distance between you because the desk behind you wonât allow it.
steve keeps walking towards you, and you close your eyes, not ready to face him fully.
when he reaches you, he doesnât attempt to touch you. that breaks you, and silent tears start streaming down your face.
âmake it easier? for who? me or you?â
you cry.
âyou⊠me- both of us. just- can you go, please?â
âgo where?â he pleads, furrowing his brows.
âgo back to the fifties, go back to her, just⊠just go.â you say, looking down in defeat.
steve lifts his chin, and looks at you with determination.
âyouâre my girl.â
that stops you.
âno, iâm not-â
âyes, youâre my girl, y/n.â he repeats.
your face contorts in pain and you shake your head.
âbut iâm not your best girl.â you tell him, completely broken.
steve stops. he runs a hand down his face and sighs. then he turns and starts walking away towards the closet, beginning to rummage through it. as you finally see that heâs collecting his things to leave, a heartbreaking sob escapes you. but you frown in confusion when he quickly comes back, and stands in front of you with a small velvet box in his hand.
âwhat-â you croak.
âyouâre right. youâre not my best girl.â your heart pulverizes on the spot. steve looks at you softly. âyouâre the love of my life, sweetheart.â
the tears stop.
âwhat?â you say, breathless. steve smiles softly.
âwhen i first met you, it took me thirty seconds to know that i was going to love you. and when i kissed you for the first time, after our first official date, i knew i would love you forever. i knew i wanted to marry you, so i went and got a ring. you can ask buck, he said heâd never seen me like that, so sure.â he puts the box in your hands hesitantly and then cups your face in between his palms, smiling at you so softly, so full of love and devotion, your heart starts mending itself again. steve's eyes are shining with unshed tears as he keeps speaking. âyouâre the love of my life, the woman of my dreams, my everything. i donât want to be with anyone else and i donât want to be anywhere else other than here, with you. with my sweetheart.â
âsteve..â your shiny eyes look over his beautiful face, the face you know and love, the face you want to wake up to forever and ever. âi thought-â you hiccup, âi just- i was so scared, i canât- canât lose you, stevie.â
he shakes his head.
âyou canât lose me, baby. you canât.â a grin starts appearing on his face. âmuch less if you marry me. so⊠will you- marry me?â
you laugh through your tears.
âyes!â you exclaim. âyes, yes, yes!â you repeat and steve kisses you, laughing.
âi love you so much, sweetheart. i promise iâll never let you forget that youâre everything to me. â
summary: inspired by the song afterglow by taylor swift. you let jealousy get in the way of the love you and rafe share. will you be able to fix it?
a/n: i am taking requests for this man after posting this aaand also for the mcu (bucky barnes, steve rogers, natasha romanoff) hope u enjoy this!!!! <3
masterlist
\\\\
i blew things out of proportion, now you're blue
put you in jail for something you didn't do
i pinned your hands behind your back, oh
thought i had reason to attack, but no
you donât know how you got here, at the front door of poguelandia trying to wipe the tears streaming down your face as rafe runs his hands down his face in exhaustion.
âi donât understand where this is coming from, y/n.â he says. âwe were fine like half an hour ago.â
âwe were fine, until you decided to flirt with another woman!â
âwho- where-â he stumbles over his sentence, almost like he doesnât know where you got that idea.
âthe blonde in the kitchen.â you cut him off, tone clipped and cold.
âthe blonde in the-â he lets out a huff of laughter, though itâs everything but amused. âsamara is kelceâs girl.â
you scoff.
âyou should let kelce know that his girl is out there flirting with his friends then.â and, to add more fuel to the fire, you say: âand that his friends donât seem to mind.â
rafe looks at you, incredulity covering his beautiful features. features that, on a regular day, you would gawk at. but not today, not right now. youâre angry, and scared, and perhaps being a little bit irrational, but try shutting up the voice in your head once it starts.
âi wasnât flirting with her. i would never do that to you.â
you scoff again, a harshness reflected in your eyes that heâs not used to. normally, youâre a sweetheart. to him and to everyone. though especially to him. but right this moment, you donât seem like yourself, and heâs starting to worry.
ây/n.â he approaches you slowly, putting himself at eye level, hands on your shoulders. âi wouldnât do that.â
for a split second, you almost give in. but then the image of the blonde- samara- giggling at rafeâs comments and putting her hand on his forearm shows up in the forefront of your mind, right next to the insecurities youâd been trying to hide since the beginning of your relationship with the man youâre sure is the love of your life. insecurities that you have carried with you pretty much your whole life, even before rafe cameron and his blue eyes that disarm you, a never ending and ever present feeling of being too much. of being hard to love. a fear, and almost sureness, that everyone leaves in the end.
and this is why you spit out your next words with as much venom as you can muster, surely putting a nail in the coffin that your relationship is becoming:
âi donât believe you.â
fighting with a true love is boxing with no gloves
chemistry 'til it blows up, 'til there's no us
why'd i have to break what i love so much?
after your venomous words, everything becomes a blur. the hurt in rafeâs eyes, the way he pulls his hands from your shoulders like youâve just burned him, and his curt nod directed at no one in particular as he gets in his car and drives off, leaving you there, frozen.
eventually you find it in yourself to move, and you enter through the front door to go up the stairs to your and kieâs room. the house is silent since everyone else is still at the godforsaken party, so the only sound you can hear is the buzzing in your ears and what youâre sure is the cacophony of your heart breaking in a million little pieces.
whyâd you have to do that? whyâd you have to ruin something good with your broken self?
you collapse on your bed and stare at the ceiling, as salty tears leave your eyes and enter your ears. you consider calling him, but you canât bring yourself to grab your phone, your self destruction mode completely activated. you hiccup and close your eyes, succumbing to the darkness of your bedroom and your heart. the last thought on your mind before you drift into a restless sleep: did you just lose him?
i lived like an island, punished you with silence
went off like sirens, just crying
why'd i have to break what i love so much?
morning comes and you refuse to face it. somehow throughout the night you managed to get into the covers, and so you burrow further into them, closing your eyes and fruitlessly hoping the sun goes away.
itâs not until noon when sarah and kie come to check on you that you realize you did manage to fall asleep again.
âhey youâŠâ kiara says.
âhow are you on this fine almost afternoon?â sarah asks you as she pokes your sheet covered side. as soon as you see their faces you know that they know about your fight with rafe. âwe made pancakes, but you need to come down to eat them.â
you only grumble in response and close your eyes again.
ânow, i think a good breakfast slash lunch is necessary before you confront your problems, isnât that right jayj?â kiara says, making you realize that not only is jj there, but everyone else, looking at you with pitiful expressions.
slowly, you sit up and rub your face with your hands.
âdoes everyone know?â their sheepish looks is all you need to know.
âi mean, we know there was a fight. we donât really know the details though.â sarah reassures you.
âyeah, we figured something was wrong when your kook boyfriend wasnât stealing our food this morning.â john b slaps jjâs arm.
âdude.â
the flabbergasted look the blond gives his friend makes you snort despite your very evident despair.
âalright. pancakes?â you sister in law- could you still call her that?- asks you. before spiraling further, you nod.
\\\\
once all of you are done with breakfast, a silence settles over the table.
it takes one look at the expectant expressions of the members of your little family to know that theyâre waiting for you to tell them what happened.
your mouth opens, but then the image of rafeâs hurt eyes appears in your mind and your chin starts to wobble.
âo-kay. i feel like this is girly territory. am i right, gentlemen?â jj tells the guys and they all nod, looking various degrees of uncomfortable.
âyeah, leave, you cowards.â cleo tells them with a roll of her eyes, making you smile in amusement.
when the men are gone and that little moment of fun is done, reality comes back to you, making you remember that you probably lost the love of your life last night, and that it was all your fault.
you look down at your fingers on the wooden table.
ây/nâŠâ sarah puts her hand over yours. you look up at her.
âi messed up. acted crazy.â you tell them. a tear slips out of your eye and kie wipes it with her thumb before it touches the corner of your mouth. âi think i-â your sentence is cut off by your stuttering breath, getting choked up at the thought of having messed up everything with him. with your rafe. âi think i lost him.â
âplease girl, you could not lose that man even if you wanted to.â
âand sometimes i wonder why you donât want to.â kie adds. you look at her with a deadpan expression.
âcleo is right. you canât lose him. he loves you more than anything.â sarah tells you.
âbut what if-â
âno what ifs.â
âi hurt him. i said hurtful words to him after he did nothing. i just⊠i freaked out.â
the three girls look at you with narrowed eyes.
âyou got jealous.â cleo states matter of factly.
âuh-â
âit happens to everyone.â sarah tries to reassure you.
ânot to me.â cleo adds. âpope knows if he even thinks of cheating iâll cut off his little fingers.â
âwell, aside from cleo.â
âi just- i made him think that i donât trust him. thatâs like, the last thing he needs. especially from someone who is supposed to love him.â
ây/n, give yourself a break.â kiara tells you. âsure, maybe you messed up a bit and overreacted. but you love him, and no one loves him like you do, i can assure you that.â she mumbles the last thing under her breath, making you snort.
âdonât be mean, i love him.â you tell her, making all of them laugh.
âthatâs exactly her point.â sarah tells you. ânow, go make up with your boyfriend so i donât have to go over there and attempt to console him.â
you smile softly at the warmth that covers her tone when talking about her brother, a warmth that a while ago everyone thought would never be possible.
âokay, iâll go fix it.â
tell me that youâre still mine
tell me that weâll be just fine
even when i lose my mind
i need to say
tell me thats its not my fault
tell me that im all you want
even when i break your heart
you get to rafeâs place by bike. you donât realize your hands are shaking until you go to ring the doorbell and notice your trembling fingers.
you take a deep breath and touch the gold button. the sound echoes inside the house and you pray to whatever god that wants to listen to you that heâs home.
a few moments pass, in which your eyes start filling with tears of frustration, before you hear footsteps going down the stairs. you wipe your tears as fast as you can, though youâre sure the evidence of your crying is obvious on your face, and the door opens.
there he is, in a black t-shirt and grey sweatpants, looking like the most beautiful man youâve ever seen, cause he is. but you also notice that he looks tired, almost like when he gets insomnia and wakes up during the night half a million times. you always wake up as soon as heâs off the bed and make him tea and scratch his head until he falls asleep again. because you love him.
rafe just stands there, looking at you.
âhi.â you say, breathless.
he swallows before saying back:
âhi.â
your face contorts and your chin trembles. his eyes immediately soften and fill with concern.
âhey, hey, itâs alright, come on-â
âi- rafe-â you choke out but he shushes you gently, guiding you towards the inside of the house.
once you reach the kitchen he sits you down on a stool and goes to the fridge to grab water. you watch him as he walks towards you and hands you the bottle.
you take a small sip and prepare yourself for the worst.
ây/n-â
âi know. i- i messed up.â
he tilts his head.
âno, i did.â
you stop.
âwhat?â
âi messed up if my girl doesnât realize sheâs the only one for me.â
your heart melts.
âno, rafe. i- i acted crazy-â
âyou didnât. you were just hurt.â he shakes his head. âi shouldâve pushed her away, maybe poured beer on her head.â
you let out a small giggle despite yourself.
âis it really mean of me that i wouldâve liked that?â
he grins.
âkind of, baby. but i love it. i love you.â
your eyes get big and shiny as you look at him.
âi love you too and i- the idea of losing you, it⊠it drives me crazy, rafe. youâre the-â you stop yourself before saying what you were about to say. as much as you have been thinking it for a long while, you havenât told him.
he looks at you so softly, so full of love and devotion and you have to grab his hand and kiss it and then put it against your heart.
âiâm what, baby?â he asks, expectant, almost as if he knows.
âyouâreâŠâ you bite your lip. he smiles at you like a lovesick fool. âyouâre the love of my life.â you finally say, exhaling on the last word. you know he can feel your heart racing, but before he can say anything, you start to ramble. âyou donât have to say anythi-â
and heâs kissing you. roughly and passionately but so full of adoration it knocks the breath right out of you. rafe holds your face with both his hands and you clutch his shirt in between your fingers as if youâre scared youâll float away if you donât.
when you both have to pull away for air, you open your mouth to speak but he beats you to it.
âyouâre the love of my life too, sweetheart. i thought you knew, i shouldâve made it clearer.â he caresses your cheeks with his thumbs and puts his forehead against yours. âyouâre it for me, no one else, baby.â
a few tears escape your eyes and he kisses them away.
âiâm sorry for saying hurtful things. im sorry for hurting you.â
âitâs okay, baby.â he reassures you.
âno, itâs not. i need you to know that i trust you and that i believe in you.â
his gaze softens.
âi do know, princess, doesnât mean we wonât ever mess up. but youâre the reason i always try to fix what i break.â
alright!!! another swiftie reader. this time the fic is about rep songs. and i do feel like bucky embodies gorgeous btw because heâsâŠ. u knowâŠ. gorgeous<3 oh i am accepting requests!
masterlist
////
âyou guys donât get it, and i feel sorry for you. i truly do.â
wanda rolls her eyes as nat throws popcorn at your head and boos. clint just laughs like this is the funniest thing heâs ever seen.
âwhatâs going on here?â sam asks as he and bucky enter the common room, followed by steve.
ây/nâs having a crisis.â clint tells him at the same time you say: âiâm distraught.â
âare you okay?â steve asks, frowning in concern, ever the mother hen.
âno! iâm not! these simple mortals have no taste!â
âokay, what is going on, doll?â your boyfriend asks now, half amused and half worried.
âooh, i wanna see this.â nat says as wanda steals her bowl of popcorn. âhey!â
âokay so, bucky, darling-â
âoh no-â
âwhat?â
âyou only call me darling when youâre causing trouble.â
you gasp, faux offense written on your features.
âi would never!â
âyou would.â he deadpans.
you click your tongue.
âfine. we are having a bit of a disagreement over here. and you may or may not be the protagonist of it.â
he sighs, not surprised but definitely disappointed.
âare you showing people pictures of me smiling next to that dragon from that one movie and insisting its the same picture again?â
âno⊠and i did that once, bucky, and i was right!â
he sighs again.
âokay⊠one of you care to fill me in?â
natasha, ever the traitor, raises her hand.
ây/n insists that you embody the song gorgeous by taylor swift. we argue that you are actually ready for it.â
âand i argue that heâs gorgeous but heâs a softie. heâs not ready for it material, heâs more like delicate the song.â
bucky looks at all of you completely baffled. so does steve while sam cackles full of joy.
âoh this is gold, man. youâre delicate the song!â he laughs maniacally again. you bite your lip to stop yourself from laughing at buckyâs expression.
âiâm- i-â he stutters but doesnât seem to know what to say. eventually he shakes his head, like trying to rid himself of the memory of the current conversation.
âso, what do you think, barnes? is your girl right or are we?â nat asks.
you look at him, pleadingly.
he sighs, again, and runs his hand down his face.
âmy girl,â he says, defeated.
âha! i told you!â
both natasha and wanda boo while clint shrugs his shoulders in the direction of your amazing boyfriend.
âyou made the right choice, pal.â
////
later that night, you find yourself in bed with bucky, head on his chest.
âbuck?â
âhm?â he hums.
âyou really are gorgeous, you know that?â you tell him. âand every love song reminds me of you.â
you feel his smile against your temple and you donât need to see him to know that heâs blushing.
âiâm not the gorgeous one here, sweetheart.â
âyeah you are, iâm more like the chaos to your beauty.â you say matter of factly.
with his fingers under your chin, he lifts your face so you can look him in the eyes.
âyou are chaotic. but, hell, i wouldnât have you any other way, my beautiful gorgeous chaos gremlin.â
you gasp with a grin on your face.
âyou did not just call me a gremlin.â
âi did.â his grin is boyish, then his expression turns more serious. âand for the record, no love song could ever express how you make me feel.â
your eyes soften and you caress his cheekbone with your thumb.
âno song could ever describe how truly beautiful you are, bucky barnes. i donât even think i can.â
he kisses you and you find yourself thinking: since there are no words, this simple but powerful moment and every other will have to do.
thinking about swiftie!reader who insists bucky saved her from the fate of opheliaâŠâŠ.
masterlist
///
âwatchaâ listening to, doll?â his voice from the kitchen doorway makes you jump.
you turn, tea in hand and grin at him.
âtaylor swift, obviously.â
âobviously,â he teases. âbut i donât recognize this one.â
âoh! itâs the life of a showgirl, her newest album. with all the missions and stuff i havenât had time to listen much to it.â
âoh, well, whatâs it about?â he asks with genuine curiosity. he is always curious about things that interest you and make you happy. it makes you feel so loved. he does.
âwell itâs⊠i mean it has a lot of themes. a lot of the songs are love songs.â
âoh, are they?â he smirks, knowing full well you love love songs. especially if theyâre taylor swift love songs.
you feel heat creeping up your neck.
ây-yeah.â you nod. then you smile cheekily at him. âyou know⊠thereâs a song on here that reminds me of you. i mean a few but one specifically.â
his eyebrows raise.
âwhich one? donât tell me itâs the one about me being gorgeous again.â
a loud laugh escapes you. when you showed him that song it was the first time you saw him blush. like full on.
âno buck, this oneâs⊠different.â
âokayâŠâ he draws out, waiting for you to tell him.
âitâs called the fate of ophelia.â
âdid i have the fate of ophelia.â
you giggle as you shake your head.
âno. i was about to.â
his brows furrow in confusion.
âyou saved my heart from the fate of ophelia.â
he nods slowly, looking out into the distance in thought. then he walks over to you, wrapping his arms around your waist.
âand what was the fate of ophelia again?â
you gasp.
âbucky barnes, you finished the entirety of lord of the rings, movies and books, in less than three days but youâve never read hamlet?!â
he grins boyishly.
âiâm sorry doll, tell me?â he does his best impression of the puppy dog eyes and you cave, of course.
âbasically ophelia was hurt by men and had no agency and that drove her to madness. in the song taylor says to this person you saved my heart from the fate of ophelia. and while men were irrelevant in my life before you showed up, you did save my heart from utter hopelessness. you saved my heart.â you repeat matter of factly but looking at him softly.
âsweetheartâŠâ
if eyes could shapeshift into hearts, thatâs what buckyâs wouldâve been doing.
âyou canât say stuff like that. iâm old, itâll kill me.â
you grin.
âbuck, youâre a super soldier. i think youâll survive a romantic confession.â
âoh, thatâs what that was? sounded like wedding vows to me.â he mutters, teasing.
âoh thatâs the other song. but i wonât explain it to you. listen to it, itâs called wishlist.â
and then you pull away from his arms and leave him in the kitchen confused.
needless to say, when he listens to the song, he immediately texts steve to go wedding ring shopping.
the water pools around your suit and makes the fabric stick to your skin. you punch it and it causes a ripple in the liquid surrounding you.
you clench your jaw and close your eyes tightly in frustrationâ and something you cannot yet name.
you failed. again.
the watch on your wrist makes a noise, letting you know itâs time to go back. standing up, you clutch the stone tightly in your hand and prepare yourself for the strange sensation of time traveling.
it takes only a second, or a thousand, and then youâre at the platform in the compound, the avengers surrounding you. they all check each other for injuries, not noticing the absence yet.
the first one to do, always, is steve.
ây/n, whereâs nat?â
âŠ
days pass, in which tonyâs funeral takes place and steve prepares himself to return the stones. you already know heâs not coming back. maybe all of it will change when you bring her back.
the day comes and bucky and sam say their goodbyes, only one of them with the knowledge that itâs forever. bruce fiddles with the controls and in the blink of an eye, steve is gone. before he can come back, you step onto the platform with your own control and press it before they can say anything about it.
âŠ
âsee you in a minute.â she smiles softly at steve and then grabs your hand. âready?â
you take in a deep breath.
âready.â
the journey to vormir is the same as always. nat hugs rhodey and wishes everyone good luck. then she looks at you softly and stands at your side.
âyou nervous?â she asks teasingly. you huff.
âoh not at all. just usual world saving stuff.â you tell her and she giggles. she only ever made that sound with you. youâve heard this exact giggle so many times already, but youâll never get sick of it.
âletâs go then.â
âŠ
âlet me go.â
your heart twists in your chest like every other time it happens.
âno-â you sob. âplease, hold on.â
âits okay.â she reassures you.
âi love you.â
and she falls.
âŠ
you wake up in the colorful pond again. this time, like many others, youâre crying. you wipe the tears roughly and clench your jaw. you wonât give up.
back to planning it is.
âŠ
the purple hue of vormir engulfs you both. youâve been here so many times, times in which you tried winning the fight against her, in which you pleaded with her to not sacrifice herself in a thousand different ways. thereâs always something you miss; a kick, a punch, a kiss.
but this time you wonât.
because this time youâre sacrificing yourself before she can even realize what youâre doing. this was a last resort, since you didnât want her to carry that sort of grief unexplained. but it was something that had to be done. she needed to live.
as soon as you reach the cliff, you take a deep breath. youâre about to die, and yet, the comfort of knowing she will live stops you from feeling any sort of fear.
you look at her one last time.
âiâm sorry nat. read my letter.â
and you take off running.
you hear her scream your name as you fall in slow motion. and you canât help but smile.
âŠ
a splash of water resounds around you. your heart falls to your stomach when you realize whatâs happening. it didnât work. your breath heaves and you start clawing at your throat in desperation. the watch beeps and you know in a second youâll have to watch grief overtake the team. you canât do it again. god, why canât you fix it?
âŠ
ây/n, whereâs nat?â
your eyes fall on steve and in a matter of one second you watch as realization washes over his features.
âŠ
the next couple of times, you plead again and again. you cry, you beg, you desperately try to make her understand that she canât come back after, but every time, without fail, she jumps.
âŠ
the journey to vormir is the same as always. nat hugs rhodey and wishes everyone good luck. then she looks at you softly and stands at your side.
âyou nervous?â she asks teasingly. you huff.
âoh not at all. just usual world saving stuff.â you tell her and she giggles.
âlets go then.â
when you reach the top of the mountain, the usual purple hue engulfs you both. but instead of pleading, or fighting, or dying, you take a seat on a rock and look at her. she frowns.
âwhat are you doing? we have to get the stone.â
âi know. just need to sit for a second. come sit with me.â
ây/n, thereâs no time.â her expression is baffled. you were always so mission focused, never failing. a bitter laugh escapes you at that thought.
âbelieve me, there is time. endless amounts of it.â
âyouâre scaring me.â you look at her and smile softly.
âcome on, sit.â and she does, slowly. you stare out at the distance. âyou know, you always say that. see you in a minute. i hate it, itâs not true.â
she tilts her head, confused.
âalways-â
âand every time, without fail, you tell me to let you go. thatâs itâs okay. but itâs not.â
thereâs a contemplative silence after that. then, she takes a deep, slow breath.
âyouâve lived through this.â she says, more statement that question. you turn to her, biting your lip and nodding. âw-why?â she asks and you love her for it, for asking the right question.
âcause i canât let you go.â
understanding crosses her beautiful features.
ây/nâŠâ
âa soul for a soul.â
âmine.â she says. you look at her, distraught.
âiâve tried so many different ways. but i fail. every time.â
âmaybe itâs because itâs not supposed to be any other way.â
âi canât accept that.â you shake your head.
âyou have to.â
âno, nat, you donât understand! a soul for a soul is bullshit, when it takes yours it takes mine too!â that shuts her up.
for a few moments you both look out into the distance. tears stream down your face.
âi love you,â she says, âmore than anything. youâre my person. and i know iâm yours.â she pauses, and smiles softly at you. âso weâll meet again, it doesnât matter where or when, we will.â
âyou donât know that.â you whisper, broken. she looks at you.
ây/n, we will. and weâll laugh about this. about a time when we had to be apart.â
ânat-â a devastating sob escapes you. ânat, i canât. i canât live without you.â
âof course you can.â she tells you. âyouâll just sleep through the night better now that i wonât be kicking you while mumbling in russian.â a watery laugh escapes you. her expression turns serious and she grabs your face with both her hands. âyou need to stop trying to save me. thereâs a world out there that needs you, and you need to let me go.â
your features contort in pain, and you put your forehead against hers, holding her cheeks in your palm.
âi love you.â you tell her, your entire body shaking. âi donât know how iâll-â
âlean on the team. lean on yelena. tell her i love her and keep going forward.â natasha takes a deep shaky breath before kissing you. her lips are chapped and you cry into the kiss, knowing that feeling will haunt you forever. she will. âits okay. i love you.â
she pulls away and stands up. you canât move as you watch her walk towards the edge of the cliff.
before she jumps, she turns around, smiles at you and says:
i need to write a steve rogers fic but have 0 ideas i was thinking about using inspo from the life of a showgirl or some taylor swift song but still brain empty. send requests if u want !!!
why canât this be love? (eddie munson x female reader)
the gif is not mine!
summary: inspired by why canât this be love by van halen. you and eddie have a no strings attached arrangement. and maybe youâre in love with him. who knows.
a/n: been wanting to write something for eddie for a while. this is pretty short and the plot is not suuuper developed. but i have longer fics planned for eddie, eventually. anyway. i of course as always accept requests for this man and for bucky barnes and steve rogers and natasha romanoff. i hope you enjoy!!! <3
masterlist
âŠ
you disentangle yourself from him panting heavily. you both lay on your back and look at the ceiling trying to catch your breaths.
âthat wasâŠâ he trails off.
âyeah.â you laugh breathily.
he turns his head to look at you in a way you donât understand. eddie tucks a strand of hair behind your ear in such an intimate gesture you hold your breath until he stops touching you.
âuh- i should probably go.â you sit up and grab your shirt thatâs haphazardly thrown on the floor next to the bed, trying really hard not to look at his eyes. because theyâll make you want to stay.
âr-right. wouldnât want to go against rule number three.â eddie says matter of factlyâ and perhaps a bit bitter. shaking your head subtly you decide you canât be bothered to analyze his tone. you canât afford it.
rule number three. the third rule of fourâ created entirely by you. when you two started sleeping together, it was a way to prevent your friendship from falling apart. to protect it. you made them up on the spot, right after changing back into your clothes in eddies room after the best sex of your life. they were simple, concise and easy to follow.
or, well, you thought so in the beginning. youâve always been good at burying your feelings, why would this time be any different?
the list of rules went like this:
rule number one: no telling anyone about the arrangement.
rule number two: not doing any couples shit.
rule number three: not staying in bed together after having sex.
rule number fourâ the most important one: no falling in love.
rule number one was broken pretty much two days after it was established, because robin caught you two right after the act in your couch when you forgot to lock the front door and she let herself in.
you made her promise she a) wouldnât say anything and b) wouldnât be weird about it.
surprisingly, she managed the hardest part: keeping quiet. the second though⊠well, you couldnât say she didnât at least try.
the thing about rule number two was that you and eddie munson were best friends. and if you already have the emotional intimacy and then you add the physical one⊠whatâs to be expected?
the third one was the easiest to follow. you basically trained yourself to jump up from his bed the second it was over. and yeah, sure, you felt like you were leaving your entire bleeding red heart on his bed, but thatâs normal, right?
and the fourth one- actually, you donât want to think about it.
âno, we wouldnât.â you smile at him tightly. âiâll uh- see you.â
and you leave his trailer without looking back.
âŠ
you find yourself at a diner after your encounter with eddie, zoning in and out of the conversation currently taking place between nancy and robinâ and you, supposedly. honestly, thereâs only one thing youâre thinking about, and it is not whether jonathan would like socks or boxer briefs as a birthday present or if he would rather have nancy model lingerie for him (robin suggested, obviously).
itâs him. lately, it always is.
your heart twists when a thought occurs to you. itâs always been like this.
you think that maybe you have an illness, some sort of heart issue that makes your chest hurt. but makes it hurt only when youâre leaving him behind. which makes you think that itâs not really a heart issueâ not in the literal sense. more like maybe you care more than youâre letting yourself admit. maybe you always have. and maybe youâre a coward.
no.
definitely.
âare you even listening?â robin says and you donât answer, assuming sheâs talking to nancy. âearth to y/nâŠâ you blink rapidly, their faces coming back into focus.
ây-yeah. totally. i think socks.â
nancy bites her lip, trying not to laugh in your face.
âuh⊠we kind of already established that ten minutes ago.â she says.
âohâŠâ
âyeah.â robin drawls.
âwhatâs going on with you?â nancy asks you.
ânothing. just⊠tired. didnât sleep very well last night and i think im hearing colors.â
she chuckles while robin looks at you suspiciously. you smile at her awkwardly.
nancy, then, looks at her watch and gasps, realizing sheâs late for a date with jonathan. she says goodbye and leaves in a rush, leaving you and your very nosy friend alone.
âsoâŠâ she begins.
âsoâŠâ you repeat.
âwhat did he do?â
âhe?â
robin rolls her eyes.
âyour lover boy. did he forget your anniversary or something?â
you frown.
ârobin, weâre not together.â
she stops.
âwait, hold on- are you still pretending you donât have feelings for him?â she asks incredulously. âi mean, i havenât brought it up since i first found out and you told me it was a no strings attached thing but i thought youâd get over it by now.â
âget over what?â you ask her, confused.
âyour fear.â
your brows furrow, almost offended.
âiâm not scared.â
she deadpans.
âyou totally are. and i get it, you know. when i first realized i liked vicky i-â
âitâs not the same.â
âno, of course, i was risking becoming a social pariah-â
âno, rob. thatâs not what i mean.â you shake your head as she frowns in confusion. âyou and vicky, you were strangers and then you began getting to know each other and realized you liked each other. but me and eddie, weâre⊠heâsâŠâ
robin widens her eyes and sits up straighter in the booth.
âwait-â
ârobin-â
âyou love him.â
your body freezes. hearing someone else say it out loud, even though you have been feeling it without naming it, was terrifying. you shake your head rapidly.
âi canât.â
âcanât what?â
âthat!â you exclaim, distressed.
âlove him?â
âyeah!â
âwhy not?â she asks, frowning.
âbecause.â
âbecause?â robin repeats, arching a brow.
âwhat if he⊠he doesnât-â
âiâm going to stop you right there.â she says, raising her hand in a gesture that shuts you up. âthat man is obsessed with you. itâs ridiculous how he looks at you. and kind of gross.â
âitâs just good sex to him, robin. heâs not-â
âno.â she shakes her head. âi think youâve been telling yourself that because youâre scared.â
âokay, sure. if heâs so obsessed with me, why did he agree to the rules?â
robin sighs heavily and shakes her head in disappointment.
âbecause he loves you!â she says and before you can argue, she continues. âthink about it, itâs peak romance. sacrificing your own feelings for the one you love. pretending youâre okay with not having them completely, just because then you can have at least some part of them.â
you bite your lip in thought.
when you think about it, eddie never really tried to impose the rules on you. he never asked you to leave after, he never repeated what you did, that it was a no strings attached thing, he never acted like he didnât care about you.
meanwhile, youâve been putting so much space between you, you might not only be hurting yourself but him too.
you look at robin. she smiles softly.
âgo.â
âŠ
âeddie!â you knock repeatedly. âeddie-â
the door opens quickly and there he is, still in his ozzy shirt, frantically looking you over to see if youâre okay.
ây/n, what-â
âi need to talk to you.â
âare you okay?â he asks, brows furrowing in worry.
you nod.
âyeah, i just⊠i need to talk to you.â you repeat.
âokay, of course.â he steps aside to let you in and you walk up the steps to his trailer.
once youâre inside, the nerves you werenât feeling until then due to the adrenaline start twisting your stomach. now that youâre here, it all seems too real.
you look around, avoiding his eyes.
âwhatâs⊠whatâs going on?â
âi-â you swallow. âi need to-â
âtalk to me?â he jokes, clearly noticing your nerves and trying to ease them. âyeah, you already mentioned that, sweetheart.â
you nod repeatedly.
âyeah.â your voice comes out breathless.
âwell,â he says, âiâm all ears.â
âi suck.â his eyebrows raise up to his forehead.
âwha-â
âim a liar. iâve been lying. to myself.â you say. âbut most importantly to you. i hate that.â
you take in a deep breath. eddie looks confused, but heâs also looking at you so softly. almost as if he knows.
âokayâŠâ he says. âwhat have you been lying about? donât tell me youâre the one who keyed my van.â
you chuckle nervously, breathlessly.
âno, iâŠâ
he takes a step closer. not close enough to touch, just⊠near. that calms you down immediately and the fact that he has that effect on you so quickly makes you realize how much youâve been lying to yourself. about all of it, since the beginning.
eddie looks at you patiently as you try to gather enough courage to speak your truth.
âyou know how we established rules when we started⊠sleeping together?â
âyes.â he says, now more serious.
âand how we broke rule number one because robin found out immediately after. and then rule number two was bound to fail because we spend every waking second together.â
he nods, still looking at you seriously, but with softness in his eyes.
âand then rule number three was⊠well, you knowâŠâ
eddie looks at you expectantly. you bite your lip.
âi broke rule number four.â you say simply and then look down, ashamed.
long moments pass, in which you are sure he is looking at you disgusted by your confession. that is until you hear him laugh.
when you look up you see him smiling brightly, shoulders shaking from the joy in his laughter.
âumâŠâ
eddie sobers up, clearly trying to not offend you.
âsweetheart,â
you look down again.
âlook at me.â you donât. ây/n, look at me.â
itâs not until you feel his fingers under your chin, lifting your face up that you do.
heâs smiling softly. and heâs so pretty.
âthank you.â he smiles bashful but amused. your eyes widen.
âdid i say that out loud?â he grins.
âyep.â
âfuck me.â you grumble.
âwhenever you want, pretty.â he winks.
âuh-â you start but get cut off by the heat crawling up your neck.
he smiles again, small and sincere.
âeddieâŠâ you say, without really knowing what youâre expecting him to do.
but eddie, oh, he decides that his name coming out of your mouth is the perfect excuse to kiss you breathless.
as soon as his lips touch yours, you melt into him, like you have so many times by now.
you donât know how long it lasts, but when you pull away youâre both panting against each others mouths.
when you open your eyes, you see his beautiful doe gaze on you, full of adoration.
âfuck me, i broke rule number four before it was even a thing, baby.â
a loud laugh comes out of your mouth before you can stop it and soon enough heâs following the sound with another kiss. and another.
âbeen in love with you ever since i met you,â he says, âdonât know what itâs like to know you and not love you.â
âme neither.â you confess to him.
âi love you, sweetheart.â
âi love you too, eddie.â and you feel it, freely.
and you know for sure, even without saying it, you have felt it all along.
summary: bucky breaks your heart due to letting other peoples opinions on you two win. will he be able to mend it? does he even care to?
a/n: nothing too crazy to say. i just love bucky barnes and think he deserves all the love in the world. enjoy! (y/n= your name. y/n/n= your nick name.)
masterlist
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y/nâs pov:
youâre a mess. youâve been on the floor sobbing for two hours now. youâre about to go grab your phone when natasha bursts into your room.
âno. donât even think about it.â
âi-â
âheâs an asshole, and we donât call assholes.â
âcorrect.â wanda appears behind her.
âheâs not-â you hiccup pathetically. âi love him.â
for a second natashaâs face softens, knowing that while the display is pathetic and melodramatic, you are truly in a lot of pain. the reason and the asshole? bucky barnes himself.
everything was fine, it was perfect, but then he decided to end things with you. you couldnât hate him, even though you really wanted to, because the thing about bucky barnes and you is that you understood each other. you get it.
ever since you two went publicâ you didnât really, but you were caught kissing on camera by the paparazziâ buckyâs smear campaign on the news started. not only there, but also on social media and any other media outlet. people started hating him again, after he worked so hard to gain public favor because of the winter soldierâs actions, calling him things like murderer and monster and claiming that he would ruin you, possibly kill you or your reputation. but you didnât care, you never did. why would you? you were with the love of your life. finally life made sense, after so many things, so much heartache, you found peace. home.
that was before that fateful day, almost a month ago.
\\\\
a month agoâŠ
he had been acting weird. distant. you wondered if he had been plagued by another torturous nightmare and didnât tell you. he tended to do that, carry his burdens alone, even though you always insisted that his burdens were yours too.
but today you were tired. tired of not being close to him, tired of missing him. and you really missed him.
you walk through the halls of the compound to his room with quiet determination. you know heâs there since friday told you. when you reach his door, you give two knocks.
âbuck! you there?â
silence.
âbuckyâŠâ
once you realize heâs not opening it, you take a deep breath and twist the knob. and there he is, in all his avoidant glory, reading a book while sitting on his side of the bed. while you two havenât moved into the same room together, you might as well have, since most of your things were already there and you each had a side of what was once his bed. sometimes it felt like you didnât take that step because he was holding back, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
bucky looks up and for a second his expression brightens up as if forgetting the fact that heâs been avoiding you, but then, very quickly, it dulls again.
âheyâŠâ you say, unsure now that youâre here.
âhi.â he responds, voice rough from lack of use. âwhat are you doing here?â
you raise your eyebrows in surprise.
âum⊠i came to see you. i missed you.â
âoh uh, sorry. iâve been kind of busyâŠâ he trails off, almost waiting. it takes you a moment to realize that heâs waiting for you to leave.
and youâve just about had it.
anger flares up in your chest and you take a step forward.
âyouâve been ignoring me.â
he looks like a deer caught in headlights.
âi donât know what you mean, y/n.â he never calls you by your name.
âyes, you do.â then, your tone softens. âdid something happen?â
he looks at you then, and for the first time since you entered his room you can see that heâs struggling. the anger you felt quickly gets replaced with worry.
âbuckyâŠâ you take a step closer to him, but to your surprise and heartbreak, he gets up from the bed to put space between you two.
a small gasp leaves your mouth, pained and shocked. you frown. âwhatâs- whatâs going on?â you manage to ask despite your wavering voice.
bucky stands there, looking at the floor. then, it happens. his eyes land on you for a moment, he shakes his head, looks at the floor and says:
âi canât do this anymore.â
the world stops.
your breath catches.
your heart stops beating.
âi donât⊠understand.â with shaky hands you try to reach for him, almost as if thereâs a chance you heard him wrong. he takes a step back and your blood turns cold. âbucky, what are you saying?â
âwhat is there to understand, y/n? i said i canât do this anymore.â
as soon as his words sink in, your heartâ that had stopped moments beforeâ starts beating erratically in your chest. your breath starts coming out in short and rapid bursts.
âyou donât mean that,â you say, looking at him with a pleading smile, on the verge of shattering. his eyes land on your face.
âi do.â
while his words are harsh, his eyes look pained, so you insist again.
âbucky,â you begin, âwhateverâs going on, we can work through it. together.â
he scoffs, not maliciously, just bitter and humorless.
âyou heard what theyâre saying about us? you?â
realization hits you.
âbuck, i donât care about that.â he narrows his eyes.
âmaybe you should.â
you walk to him, but this time you grab his face in between your hands. heâs breathing heavily.
âbucky, look at me.â he doesnât. âbucky,â you start, even though he refuses to look at you, assuming that he will when he hears what you have to say, âi love you. i want to be with you. it doesnât matter what they say.â
âbut it does.â he says, grabbing your hands to pull them away. you donât let him. you caress his cheekbones with your thumbs.
âit doesnât.â
âiâm gonna ruin your life, your image. theyâll hate you.â
âitâs worth it. weâre worth it.â
âitâs not-â he drops his hands from yours. âitâs not worth it.â
that stops you. your blood freezes again. you tilt your head.
âwhat are you saying?â he closes his eyes. âbucky-â you try to breathe in shakily around the rock that has settled in your chest. âwhat-â your brows furrow and your eyes fill with tears. âwhat do you mean?â
he doesnât answer, just looks to the side. you move his head so he can face you. and you ask him the worst thing you couldâve asked him, because his answer will haunt you for the rest of your life:
âitâs not worth it⊠or iâm not?â
pause.
âitâs the same thing.â
crack. your heart shatters.
you pull your hands away as if he burned you and take a step back. then another. you start looking around the roomâ his room, a room so full of love now seeming foreign to youâ like a caged animal trying to escape. you donât know how you do it, but you manage to reach the door. with shaking hands you turn the knob and run away, without looking back.
\\\\
you havenât seen him since, though steve told you he was staying at an apartment in brooklyn that tony got as a safe house.
nat puts her hand on your shoulder.
âi know you do, but he made his choice. now you need to make yours.â
that stops you for a moment. he made his choice. and his choice wasnât you.
your lower lip wobbles and both girls notice.
âhey, itâs okay. youâre going to be okay.â wanda tells you softly.
you shake your head.
âi donât think so.â
âin the middle of heartbreak, we never do.â
how can you explain to her that this is not the middle? that you are forever going to walk the same path, bereft and distraught? that if itâs not him⊠itâs no one.
âyou know what you need?â you look at nat. âyou need to have fun with us girls. you need to forget about men and remember there is more to life than them.â
âbut heâs not-â
âyes, i know. heâs not just some guy you need to get over. but i still think you need to have fun. in fact,â she looks at wanda, slowly smirking, âwe all need to have fun.â
your witchy friend grins in response and claps her hands, clearly excited by the prospect of girls night.
and so it beginsâŠ
clothes everywhere, pop music blaring through the speakers as you and your very broken heart try your best to have a good time while getting ready with your best friends. somehow you make it to the club at around 10 pm, and while you and wanda go to find a table, nat heads to the direction of the bartender to order an onslaught on incoming drinks. by the seventh one, everything seems lighter, or far away, or funny (at least to both your friends). youâre the quieter one, chuckling every now and then, but still seeming⊠lost.
suddenly, nat and wanda jump from their seats when a specific tune starts playing, claiming that they âlove this song!â
âcome on, y/n/n, lets dance!â nat says over the music and lights.
you blink at her. god, you want to be anywhere but here. you want him.
âiâll uh- iâm gonna go get another drink!â you yell over the noise, and, without waiting for their response, you stand up and start walking through the crowd towards the bar. you feel like your heart is weighting down your body. how could he have not chosen you? had you meant nothing?
when you reach the bartender, you order three shots just for you. downing them all takes about thirty seconds and realizing that no matter how much you drink, he will never hold you in his arms again takes you about half that time.
your eyes feel hot and your throat is tightening the more you spend leaning against the counter of the bar. another song starts and you look at a couple dancing and the lights are too bright and too colorful and the love of your life doesnât want you.
you manage to stumble through the place towards one of the bathrooms, and sigh in relief when itâs empty. entering a stall, you sit on the sticky floor. the music here is distant, and for the first time that night you can hear your sniffles, that quickly turn into sobs. you reach for your phone and call the only number you have memorized.
ây/n?â
âbucky-â you sniffle.
âhey, hey. whatâs- where are you?â
âiâm at the bar with the girlsâŠâ tears are streaming down your face.
âdid something happen, y/n? tell me where you are and iâll-â
âwhy donât you love me anymore?â you ask in a broken voice.
ây/nâŠâ he sighs in what you assume is annoyance. youâre pathetic, you tell yourself.
âbucky-â
âi canât do this-â
âanymore. i know.â you cut him off, softly. âbut why? i thought- i was ready to spend the rest of my life with you.â
he doesnât say anything, so you keep going.
âyou just-â you hiccup in between your silent sobs, âyou left me. like i was nothing.â
âyouâre not nothing.â he says with determination.
âbut iâm not enough.â
ây/n, i donât want to talk about this.â
âbut we need to! bucky,â you tell him, crying and breathing rapidly out of desperation, âi donât want to beg. i donât- donât beg. i promised myself i would never beg anyone to stay⊠but-â you hiccup again, âplease. i don't care about anyone, you're all that matters to me. if they all love me but you don't it means nothing to me. i would rather have all of them hate me and you love me than the opposite.â a sob gets stuck in your throat. he doesnât say anything but you can hear him breathing on the other side of the line. you close your eyes tightly, making tears fall down your cheeks.
âplease fight for me bucky.â
the silence that follows your plea is deafening. it says so much, and the implication makes you drop your phone and hide your face in your hands as you sob even harder than before.
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buckyâs pov:
âwhere is she?â he asks natasha as soon as he spots her.
she looks confused for a second but then her expression hardens.
âwhy do you care?â
his jaw ticks.
âshe called me.â
âshe said she was going to get a drink an hour ago.â wanda steps in. she looks at him knowingly. he gives her a nod in acknowledgment. and then he goes to look for you.
you are not at the bar and nowhere near the dance floor. he wishes he could just call you and ask where you are but his stupid phone died right after you bared your heart to him, leaving him unable to answer, to tell you that he was on his way.
he was in his room, casually surfing the channels of the big tv stark got for him, trying not to think when you called him. as soon as he heard your sniffle he was putting on his boots and heading for his car.
where were you? it was really loud there, and it wasnât that loud where you called him from- he blinks. the bathroom.
he heads for the closest one to the bar, assuming you couldnât walk very far with how drunk you were and sighs before entering, hoping no one else is there other than you.
the music can be faintly heard from in here, but he doesnât miss the heavy breathing of someone in the third stall. so he goes to knock.
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y/nâs pov:
youâve been crying for only god knows how long, and your chest feels somehow heavier than before if thatâs possible.
you hear the door of the bathroom open and pray to god that it isnât nat or wanda, wanting to gather yourself before facing anyone.
the sound of steps floats through the echo of the place and then stops. right in front of your stall.
if the black boots and two knocks on the door didnât give him away, his rough and oh so beautiful voice does.
âdoll?â
your eyes widen. you try to stand up but stumble, hitting your head against the toilet seat.
âow.â
âsweetheart?â
âone second-â you manage to stand and quickly open the door.
and there he is. your expression contorts and you start crying again, having stopped before from the shock.
âhey, sweetheart, no. itâs okay.â he grabs onto your shoulders and pulls you into his arms.
âbucky,â you sob.
âshh, shh, iâm here.â he shushes you and softly rocks you from side to side.
you pull your face away from his chest to look at him through your tears.
âwhat are you doing here? i thought-â you furrow your brows in distress, âyou didnât say anything.â
âmy phone died, baby.â he puts his flesh hand on your face and caresses your cheek while the metal one wraps tightly around your waist. âas soon as you called me i was already running around the place trying to find my keys to come get you.â
âbut-â you frown. âwhat are you doing here?â
he smiles softly, adoringly.
âiâm fighting for you, sweetheart.â
and that crack in your heart mends itself. âiâm so sorry, pretty girl. so, so sorry. i never meant to hurt you, i just-â
âi know, bucky.â he tilts his head.
âyeah?â
âyeah. cause i know you.â his eyes shine while he looks at you. âand i love you, not them.â you grab his face in between your hands, a bit sloppy, since you are still pretty drunk and smile lovingly. âi donât want to be without you.â
his gaze softens, and he pulls you even closer by your waist.
âi donât want to be without you either. i canât.â he shakes his head. âthis month has been hell, doll. hell.â
you caress his cheekbones with your thumbs.
âi know. for me too.â
âgod, i love you. i promise you iâll spend the rest of our lives making it up to you.â
you grin, eyes shiny.
âiâd like that.â you put your face closer to his and look down at his lips. âand i love you too, more than anything.â
âplease let me kiss you doll, i think im gonna die if i donât.â his begging makes you giggle.
âyouâre so dramatic buck.â you tell him before pulling him in for a kiss you would both remember forever.
the thing about steve rogers is that he was like daylight. he was the warmth of the sun on your face after youâve been inside for too long. he was realization, an epiphany perhaps, that good still existed, that it was all worth it, the laughter, the tears, the fight, you.
when you met, almost a year and a half ago, you were not yourself. it wasnât that you knew who you were and you were actively hiding, but rather that you were a stranger in your own body. you didnât know who you were, what you liked, what your unfiltered laughter could sound like.
everybody talks about freedom, about peace, about love, and one can hear and imagine as much as they want, but until you have it, until you know, you just⊠donât.
you felt freedom the first time he made you laugh uncontrollably. peter had showed him some ridiculous video of him online and his bewildered expression made you burst out into laughter. it was so intense, so much joy, unfiltered, free. and the way he looked at you, god, like it was worth it to ridicule himself in exchange of your laugh.
you feel peace when heâs near you. it takes one word out of his mouth and your breathing evens out.
you have been feeling love for a long time, but it wasnât until he held you in his arms while promising you companionship forever that you realized youâd been feeling it.
you love him. god, you love him.
and how do you go about your day when you feel like your heart is going to burst out of your chest every time you so much as hear his name being spoken? how do you cope? with the love, with the fear.
because while you love him, and youâre completely and absolutely sure of that, you have no idea whether he cares for you in the same way.
old habits die hard, and truthfully, you canât imagine it. him loving you the same way you do him, you and him together. while you have made progress since the beginning of it, you still have ghosts haunting you, still have shards of glass inside your throat and heart.
and they wonât let you speak.
but tonight itâs his birthday, and while tony has organized a big event for tomorrow evening, at midnight heâs just yours. you love the sound of that.
âhey sweetheart,â he greets you with a soft smile when he opens the door to his room.
you immediately jump into his arms and wrap yours around him.
âhappy birthday stevie.â your voice comes out soft, and if he wasnât paying as much attention he probably wouldnât have heard it.
âthank you.â
you arms tighten around him and then they let him go.
âyou didnât have to stay up, you know? couldâve just told me tomorrow.â he tells you.
âof course i was gonna stay up.â you frown, almost offended at his suggestion and he chuckles, amused. that makes you smile.
âsoâŠâ you draw out the word.
âsoâŠâ he repeats, narrowing his eyes. you let a grin settle on your face.
âi have something for you.â
âyou didnât-â
âif you say i didnât need to again im gonna have to tell everyone that you unironically listen to the backstreet boys.â
he lets out a laugh and then shakes his head, still grinning.
âyou wouldnât, on my birthday?â he asks, with false hurt.
you purse your lips to stop yourself from grinning.
âtry me, steven.â
he raises his hands in surrender and then gestures for you to come in. before you do, you reach next to you on the floor and pick up a medium sized box. at the sight of it, he frowns, perhaps scared, perhaps confused, you really canât be bothered to analyze his expression because you are too excited.
you two sit on his bed facing each other, his back against the headboard.
he opens his mouth to ask but you beat him to it.
âso⊠i wanted to give you a present for every single birthday of yours iâve missed, but then you see, i realized you are 107 years old and that would be insane.â
he nods, still confused but definitely touched by your statement.
âso i decided to give you a present for every month iâve known you. so thatâs 17 months.â
âyou got me seventeen presents?â his eyes widen.
âyes, but donât worry, theyâre small gifts, all within the limit you set.â
ây/n, this isâŠâ he seems to struggle to find the words. you probably did go overboard, but he meant so much to you, and you wanted to do nice things for him. if he really knew the extent of which he had helped you, cared for you, he would realize that seventeen gifts is nothing compared to that.
âi know. you donât have to say anything.â
âi want to, i just-â he shakes his head, incredulous, âyou are just- god, perfect.â
he says the last part more quiet, almost like he didnât mean for you to hear. but you do, and your heart lights up like the sun, shining through the cracks between your ribs and illuminating his whole room.
heâs looking at you like youâve hung the moon and every single one of these presents is a star in the sky. as much as you love when he looks at you, it is intense, and thereâs only so much intensity you can handle. so you turn away and look at the box, signaling to it with your hand.
âgo on, open it.â you tell him gently. he does.
inside the box are various small and medium sized items, all holding a memory within them. a picture from a photo booth of you two when you went to coney island, a note he passed you and you kept with an answer newly written, a vinyl of his favorite old album, the one he told you about on one of those many nights you spent just talking and basking in each others presence.
as he looked through the box and grabbed every small present with the gentlest hands like it was made of the most fragile glass, you told him the reasons for why you chose that specific thing.
for a moment, you feared you mightâve done too much, but the way he looked at you throughout, with utter adoration, melted the fear and your heart entirely.
by the end, his eyes were shining. with gratitude, and perhaps with unshed tears, you werenât completely sure.
as he puts everything back inside the box carefully and then closes it, you wring your hands together. then he looks at you.
âso? too much? too little? shouldâve gone with the 107 giftsâŠâ you mutter, trying to crack a joke, because his gaze is terrifying and electrifying all the same.
âcome here,â he just says and pulls on your arm until youâre sitting on his lap, his big arms around your frame and your face tucked into his neck. âthank you.â he speaks against your head. âi canât- canât even tell you how much this means to me, how much you mean to me. just- thank you, sweetheart.â
you fist his shirt and pull, trying to convey how much you care.
slowly, you lift your head from his neck, but you donât move, still on his lap and close.
âumâŠâ you begin, nervously. you bite the inside of your cheek and look to the side, not able to face him.
âwhat is it?â he asks softly, his brows furrowing.
âi, uh, i have something else.â he raises his brows. ânot a gift!â you tell him quickly. âmore like a- well⊠itâs aâŠâ you sigh and reach under the box, where an envelope is stuck there with a bit of tape. slowly, you reveal it to him.
steve blinks.
âyou⊠you wrote me a letter?â
you bite your lip and close your eyes tightly.
âgod, iâm so sorry, im literally so intense and youâre probably freaked out-â
âread it to me.â he cuts you off. thereâs something about his tone⊠you canât pinpoint it.
your eyes widen.
âi- no.â you say, embarrassed.
he smirks softly.
âread it to me, honey, please.â there it is. his tone. it sounds almost like heâs begging. itâs devotion, like he needs to hear you-
you glance at him and your breath hitches. it hits you all at once: he needs to hear you say it. because he feels it too.
so you nod, and you open the envelope, and you begin.
âdear steve, im not very good with talking. or people. but writing is easier⊠less fear of rejection. but you see? thatâs the thing. you wouldnât, you would never. ever since i met you, iâve felt no fear. not of you hurting me, or yelling, or changing your mind. not of you. never of you.
when i was younger i read a story about two people who knew each other from past lifetimes and met again in a new one, without really remembering the details of the past. but the details arenât everything and so they remembered the feeling, like walking through a house youâve walked through before, like you could do it with your eyes closed.
thatâs how it feels to know you. like home, like iâve done this already, like i could recognize you blind.
iâve never been fearless, and iâve always been more angry at the world that iâve let on, and as cheesy as it sounds, i feel like i can do anything with you by my side.
what i want to do most is forgive.
i want to forgive the world. because the world gave me you.
i couldnât adore you more if i tried.
always yours, y/n.â
you stare at your name written at the end of the page, like an oath.
âlook at me, y/n.â he tells you. you canât help but do. the love in his eyes is impossible to miss.
you open your mouth to say something, anything, but you canât. youâve already said it all. now itâs his turn. and when he speaks, my god, how you wish you could replay that moment forever and ever.
âi love you.â he says, like a promise. âyou are-â he swallows, âyou are the best thing thatâs ever happened to me.â
your eyes fill with tears and he wiped them away before pulling you in, and a moment before he kisses you, he says:
Maybe a Steve Rogers fic with a gn!reader who suffers from childhood PTSD? Theyâre always apologizing and so quiet, which seems to be because theyâre shy and not social, but it stems from an abusive household where they got yelled at for just about anything. Sometimes even entirely checking out of reality and zoning out when arguments happen. Sometimes their brain will just shut down and they lay down and mindlessly binge movies meant for kids while holding onto a very old, very worn (and loved) stuffed animal.
hiiii!! this took a while to finish iâm so sorry!! i wanted to try a different format instead of the classic one shot/ storyline so here you go! i hope u enjoy it <3
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ever since you could remember, there were two versions of you. there was the version that loved freely, loudly even, the one who dressed how they wanted to and said things they meant, one who was sunlight encapsulated in a bottle, one who was worthy and not afraid, and most importantly loved.
and then there was the other version, the real one. the rotten one, as you called it. it was the version that was afraid, quiet when they didnât want to be, the version that dressed in whatever clothing they could afford and dragged around a dark cloud over their head. a version that was unloved and uncared for.
when you first moved into the compound, you were a shell of a person. the thing is, youâd never gotten the chance to be a person in the first place. so there you were, moving around the place like a ghost, because thatâs the only thing you knew how to be.
you didnât talk much, just a yes or a no, thank you, sorry repeated again and again over the smallest things, like bumping into someone when the kitchen was full or entering a space when someone else was there. you figured, nobody likes a ghost, and you? you were used to the haunting. so apologizing it was. about everything, about nothing, about being you.
what you did notice though, was that he was always there, quietly existing around you as if you werenât poison. always making you the drink you liked in the morning, making you wonder how he knew, why he took the time to notice anything about you at all. when you apologized quietly but profusely, he always offered you a gentle smile and a ânothing to apologize forâ. and when the conversation seemed to turn against you, he would, every time without fail, redirect it.
long weeks had passed since you moved into their home, weeks in which you politely but definitely declined outings with the girls, parties with the team, and any opportunity for bonding with any of them. you werenât good at that, and you knew how it ended. you were supposed to be alone, always.
that night, the night when you first talked to him, tony had insisted that everyone go to a bar in the city so you could all unwind from training and all the missions. you, of course, told them that you were gonna stay. they didnât push, they never did. you could never figure out if you appreciated it or if it hurt more.
you found yourself in the kitchen at around ten pm, with the team gone you felt comfortable enough to move around the space calmly while making your warm drink and grabbing something to eat.
you were serving said drink when someone cleared their throat behind you. when you turned around, heart already hammering in your chest, you saw that it was him.
âhi,â steve said, smiling kindly.
âhi,â you answered in almost a whisper.
you tried to say something else, but couldnât force your mouth to move. too scared to say the wrong thing.
âiâm sorry, i didnât mean to interrupt, i just wanted to grab some water.â
you swallowed.
âitâs okay,â you told him, voice still low and breathy. you softly cleared your throat. âi was just making something to eat.â you paused. âdo you- do you want some?â
the seconds it took him to answer were hell to you. but thankfully, as soon as he did, his answering smile was enough to calm a bit of your nerves.
thatâs how you found yourselves sitting next to each other on the stools of the kitchen counter, eating in silence. you couldnât say it was an uncomfortable silence, but you also couldnât say it was a comfortable one.
âso,â he started. you glanced at him quickly and then looked down at your plate. âhow are you liking the compound? and the team of course.â
how were you liking the compound and everything else?
âitâs- okay.â
he seemed almost a bit disappointed by your curt answer and you felt your stomach twist.
âiâm sorry. iâm not- not good at this.â
âgood at what?â he asked patiently.
âpeople. talking.â you said, resigned.
âyou donât need to be good at it.â
âthatâs easy to say when you are.â that was followed by a humorless laugh while you still were looking at the plate instead of him.
âi wasnât always good at people. or talking.â
you slowly looked at him.
âwhat happened?â
he smirked, amused.
âguess?â
you laughed softly as he chuckled.
âyou have a nice laugh.â you looked down shyly. maybe he noticed because he went back to the original subject. âi just think itâs about practice.â
you glanced at him, brows furrowed and head tilted.
âhow should i practice? with the mirror?â he smiled.
âno. with me.â
âoh, i- i donât want to waste your time.â
he looked almost offended by that.
âitâs not a waste of time to help a teammate.â
âmaybe it is if the teammate wonât ever learn.â you told him softly.
you pursed your lips and looked at him. you knew that it wasnât about practice, that it was about much, much more than that. that it was about you being broken, out of place, burning. but for a moment, you thought, it couldnât hurt to let this kind person make you believe that you were not too far gone.
so you nodded, once, almost imperceptibly.
âokay.â
âokay?â he repeated, hopeful. you nodded again. âokay.â he said. âiâm gonna have to talk to you every day for this, you know?â
you tried to ignore the hope that ignited in your chest at that. you wouldnât be alone everyday.
âthatâs okay.â you told him.
âokay,â he said, again.
and thatâs when it all started.
after that night in the kitchen, he started verbally greeting you in the mornings, not just the usual kind smile that he had offered ever since you met. he started joining you in your spaces, sometimes talking, other times just being, and without you realizing it, he was always there. not overbearing, just⊠steady.
he started asking things about you, nothing heavy, no dark or meddling questions, just what you liked to do, and what you thought of different things, like mission plans or a movie or a joke that sam had said during lunch.
your conversations became more fluid; you would sometimes dare to make a joke at his expense and he would laugh incredulously but never get angry. he, in turn, began trusting you with who he was behind the shield. he showed you his sketches, and pictures he took along the years, all whilst never asking more from you than you could give.
months and months had passed, and you could confidently call steve rogers a friend. and he could call you the same. though there were still lingering fears, fears that still paralyzed you.
it all changed one day when the team came back from a mission. clint made a call that tony thought was the wrong one and so in a matter of minutes the common room was engulfed in screams.
you tried, you really tried to be okay. to be normal. but the screams were so loud, and the team you were beginning to call your family seemed to be disintegrating right before your very eyes.
you donât know what gave you away, but one second tony and clint were yelling and the next steve was telling them to stop and dispersing the room.
then, he was in front of you.
in a blur of movement and noise and lights, he managed to help you to your room, where he sat you down on the couch and sat down next to you, close but not touching.
âhey, itâs okay. everythingâs okay.â
you looked at him but his eyes were not on yours. you followed his line of sight and noticed that he was staring at your hands that were shaking violently.
you closed your eyes and took a deep breath.
âiâm sorry.â
ânothing to be sorry for, sweetheart.â the pet name he had started calling you a while ago made warmth appear inside your chest, and eventually, with the help of a few calming breaths and his presence that made everything better, you stopped shaking.
you stayed in companionable silence until he broke it.
ây/n, i donât want to make you uncomfortable.â
you looked at him.
âbut?â
he sighed.
âbut i hate that youâre struggling and wonât let me help.â
your face contorted as you tried not to cry.
âitâs too much, steve.â
âwhat is? the fight?â
you shook your head.
âno. what i- what i carry. what i am.â
steve frowned, clearly upset.
âiâm sorry,â you said, quickly. âi didnât mean to make you angry.â
âhey, no, sweetheart. iâm not angry at you, i could never be angry at you.â he ran his hand down his face as he sighed. âiâm angry at whoever hurt you, because i know someone did. and i know they made you believe that you are too much and that you should always be apologetic for that, but youâre not.â he looked at you with adoration is his eyes and got closer on the couch, wrapping both your hands in his. you let him. you didnât flinch. that fact alone melted the last of your resolve.
âsteve,â you started, âi- i want to be honest with you. i want to tell you. but i donât- donât want you to leave.â
he straightened up.
ânever, sweetheart. never. iâm always gonna be right here, by your side.â
at that a few tears escaped you eyes. he wiped them away with his thumb as his other hand held onto both of yours.
you took a deep breath.
âmy family⊠they werenât good to me. i- iâve spent my whole life doing anything i could to earn their love but- it nev-â you got cut off by your own sob and steve quickly pulled you into his arms, shushing you softly. âi was just so alone. and i thought- i thought it was always going to be like that and i tried to pretend that i was okay with that but-â another sob, and steve kept shushing you softly and rocking you back and forth. âi feel like an open wound that keeps bleeding everywhere and i donât understand how anyone would want to stay.â you finished and broke down against his chest.
âyou are kind, and youâre funny, and youâre strong-â
âiâm not-â
âyou are. you kept going, even while you believed that youâd always be alone, you kept being kind while thinking that it wouldnât even mean anything if you were, that nothing would change, because thatâs who you are. youâre a fighter, and youâre the best person i know, exactly as you are, sometimes quiet, sometimes squealing over a kids movie that makes you happy, sometimes funny, sometimes with a really bad repertoire of jokes-â that made you both laugh tearily. âbut always strong, always kind, always you.â
âsteve,â you looked at him with your puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks. he leaned forward and kissed your forehead, softly speaking against the flesh.
âyouâll never be alone again. not as long as iâm alive.â
and you believed him. you really did.
that was the moment you realized you loved him.
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let me know if you want a part 2 where they get together!!!! <3333
hi!!! does anyone have multi chapter fic recs for bucky x reader or steve x reader where reader is from this universe and ends up in the mcu???? it can be ao3 or tumblr!! thank u <3