Trauma blog! It's just trauma things ya know? Nothing here will be excessively explicit, and it will be tagged regardless. pronouns are she/her, I'm 21+. we support trans people in this household! I reserve the right to block anyone who interacts with this blog agressively, you've been warned. No asks that are extremely descriptive or asking me to give advice on whether something was actually bad. If in doubt abt something on the blog, don't assume, ask about it first!
You know what, I now understand why so many old people absolutely hate and despise doctors and will rather see their limbs fall out than go to one. Nearly every experience that I have with someone from the health field, mental health included, is just absolutely abysmal. You go to them in a highly vulnerable state, often in pain, struggling, and they have zero tact, care or kindness to offer your way. My belief that doctors are unable to ever help me with anything is so strong I sometimes have mental breakdowns if I get sick bc I'm convinced that if it's a serious problem, I'll just have to suffer forever bc they will not be of any help. And my experience has confirmed this belief time and time again
so lately i've been having many epiphanies. or idk, lightbulb moments about things that have been happening for years.
i realize I am the emotionally unavailable one (as well as the partners I choose - oops). i have been for more than a decade. i feel deeply lonely, because I am incapable of connecting to other people. whenever someone enters my life I can't interact with them normally bc this need has been unmet for such a long time, my brain is absolutely desperate. I get so preoccupied about people leaving. I crave connection but I simply can't. I no longer know how to do it.
so what I am doing is, instead of obsessing over the people who clearly are not that interested in connecting with me, I'm gonna try to form some level of connection thru, well, the internet. and next month, thru a painting class. yes, realistically neither of these is likely to give me an actual human connection (bc I don't know how to connect), but being around people helps.
spent the day feeling miserable. got a message on a *spicy* website and went on to reply. the conversation (understandably) was getting sexual. was not down for that, but also I feel incredibly lonely. didn't want to end the conversation already, so kept engaging. tried saying something i thought would get the person to either talk abt something else or stop talking altogether. didn't work. now I am uncomfortable and have shared something that makes me feel vulnerable which I was not trying to be.
hello folks, we've had many changes in the trauma department. and in the my life department as well. and bc i have one (1) friend that I made like a month ago and all we do is go on walks together, imma tell y'all instead cause why not
under read more for whoever wants the gossip abt my life.
so I finished college. Yes, insane, it only took what, 10 years? details aside, it is literally insane to be done with this. also finally. sayonara to my mental health in the process but i have a diploma. i guess
i am back in therapy. this time, instead of going thru my health insurance (that i dont have anymore anyway) i'm going to private practice. is it expensive? yes, but it wasn't working before, so now I have better hopes, i suppose. it's going decently. we'll see, it usually takes a month and a half for things to go to shit.
i am seeing someone. and they're not toxic nor abusive. i know, a shocker. and this fact alone, combined with the fact that I have spent the last... 5 years? without a single soul (no exaggeration here) to talk to or interact, has triggered and messed up my head so much I actually felt the need to go back to therapy lest anxiety literally consumes me from the inside. and also, since my trauma in mainly abt relationships and interactions with people, and I wasn't interacting with anyone... means that I didn't deal or heal any of it lol I was just pretending it didn't exist bc it wasn't relevant to my life. now that I have two (2) people to chat with, suddenly the trauma girlies have decided to show themselves. homophobic, honestly.
my brain is worried at all times that this new relationship will turn the same way my past (abusive) relationship turned. And as such it feels the need to keep the other person at the back of my mind at all times, bc if I ever forget or stop paying attention to them, I might miss a red flag or I might not pay attention to something I had to tackle. I am exhausted. It is draining my energy, it is robbing me of my attention. Nothing distracts me from it. Nothing in my RIGHT NOW life is actually causing it, so I can't do anything abt it bc it is literally just abt my old unhealed trauma. This sucks ass. Therapy better work fast bc I'm tired.
I sometimes worry abt the future of the relationship. If things will really work out. If I'll be reciprocated. Relationships bring up a lot of uncertainty huh not what I expected. But I'm trying to remain positive, bc being negative literally does me nothing except fuel my anxiety
that's it for now I guess
I went for a couple of walks and I hate to agree with the yoga people, but it truly does help. It clears up my mind immediately. I think it's pretty good for anxiety. I've never tried walks for depression bc I don't think I would have the motivation to do so. But for anxiety, they are great. I recommend.
i have decided that trying to find a therapist that knows anything abt trauma is way too difficult. im literally just focusing on improving isolated problems. im gonna go try to get some coping skills for my (crippling) generalized anxiety. we're not talking abt my mom, we're not talking abt my dad, we're not talking abt my trauma, we're talking abt this one specific thing and that's it. SURELY i can find one therapist that knows how to help with anxiety. this is called adjusting expectations.
so I decided to look at some early teen's pics of mine bc I saw a photo of someone on twitter that kinda looked like child me and now I am crying bc I know how much pain that poor child was in and nobody took care of her. i'm literally heartbroken abt looking at myself and realizing nobody made sure I was okay, why would anyone neglect that poor baby?
hi folks. havent posted on this blog in a hot minute, although I do check it constantly. i'm afraid i dont have many quirky witty trauma posts to make lately. nothing much changed either. it's just sometimes im doing fine enough, sometimes my brain decides i should remember my trauma. bc why not.
hate it when I tell someone that they need to slow down on something 'cause i have trauma and I need time on certain things and they instantly start behaving weird
like yeah i know it's a lot but it would be nice if people would ya know
folks, do you ever just feel that nagging urge to engage in something that you know damn well is unhealthy but makes you feel... whatever you need to feel at the moment?
I haaate people who have an inner catastrophizer and they make A POINT of sharing with everyone whenever it says something
like no, lucy, I didn't want to hear in response to me saying I found cheaper colored contacts that I might have to go to the hospital and might end up blind because omg why are they so cheap they must be terrible quality. I HAVEN'T EVEN BOUGHT THEM I JUST MENTIONED IT
like????? bitch I have anxiety, this is no joke, you share one catastrophizing thought my own catastrophizer will literally never let it go
I do not take it lightly when people try to give their anxieties to me. like not thanks you fucking keep it
y’all. imma say something that took me a long long time to understand but that I still see people saying time and time again:
the way most people define “narcissistic abuse” isn’t a thing. not all types of abuse are “narcissistic abuse” and not everyone who is shitty to you is a narcissist.
it took me a LONG time to understand that just because some people are TOXIC and treat you like shit, that doesn’t mean they are necessarily abusing you. Abuse is a POWER dynamic. If there is no power imbalance, than it isn’t abusive. But it can still be toxic, harmful and even traumatizing. That doesn’t mean it was abusive. By framing EVERY toxic interaction that you have as abuse and every toxic shitty person as a narcissist you are putting yourself in the place of the victim eternally. You can leave a toxic interaction a million times easier than an abusive one. By framing everything as abusive you are telling your brain that the situation is harder to leave than it actually is and you might be staying longer in a situation you could’ve left.
Not every shitty person is being abusive to you. Not everyone who is toxic is “narcissistic”. KNOWING ABOUT TYPES OF ABUSE AND HOW PEOPLE ABUSE YOU ISN’T ENOUGH TO PROTECT YOU FROM IT. You know what protects you from this type of toxic or abusive people? Strong boundaries, a healthy strong self-esteem, sense of self and self-respect. Aside from situations that you physically can’t leave, a toxic person can’t get past strong boundaries and self-esteem. You’re gonna drop them and cut them off long before they have the chance to do you any harm. So getting a phD in how people abuse and manipulate and how people get you down is just a bandaid for the real work which is BOUNDARIES AND STRONG SELF-ESTEEM. DON’T FORGET THIS Y’ALL.
and also please stop throwing the term narcissistic abuse around like it means something, we’re past this type of misguided language.
it is extremely damaging TO YOU to believe everyone who’s toxic is an unchangeable lost cause narcissist and that every time someone treats you poorly it’s abuse. take it from someone who’s been there.
i’ve officially been alone for so long of my life that I literally no longer have a concept of what “being around people” and “having friends” even means, so obviously I can’t crave something I no longer have any concept of AND I’ve officially stopped caring abt small talk when getting to know people which basically means I can’t talk to anyone since I literally don’t care abt their lives. I can’t hold a conversation to save mY LIFE
Did it take 15 years of loneliness and trauma? Yes. But hey it happened.
Hello! this ask is about d*ssociation. you don't have to answer if you're not comfortable. I was just wondering, what are some examples of this? all I ever read about are the extremes and I feel like I might do it to? but since all I ever read about are these extremes I'm very unsure. Thank you so much!
well, this is just my experience as someone who doesn’t dissociate very often.
to me it feels like a wave is pulling my attention/consciousness somewhere else. Most people have felt a minor form of it when you’re “spacing out” and then come back to it. That’s dissociation, it just lasts longer and it’s much harder to snap out of. You can’t really control it either. I’ve had various forms of it happening over time, but on the mildest, for me, it’s just this irresistible pull to space out. The difference is that even if you continue doing something, or idk browsing the internet or whatever, that feeling of being spaced out doesn’t fade. You can’t come out of it even if you try to focus on something. I often dissociate during class, and so BECAUSE I am specifically trying my hardest to stay present, it makes me feel really sleepy. It’s not real sleepiness, if the class ended that exact moment the sleepiness would disappear, it’s what happens to me when I try to fight my dissociation. Most of the time I just give in to it and wait it out.
I’ve had derealization exactly one time, and it was weird as hell, and depersonalization I felt right after one of my traumas happened.
Most of the time that I dissociate like, day-to-day is actually when I’m either in class, or when I see someone else dissociating and/or describing it very vividly. I’ve seen someone explain this as dissociation is a protection mechanism, and when you see someone else dissociating your brain goes “why are they dissociating, is there something I should be escaping/running from/scared of?” and then you dissociate as well, just in case lol
It can also happen when I force my hand on remembering certain traumas, or I linger too long on the memories for whatever reason, but that doesn’t usually happen cause I am running from my trauma memories like satan from the cross so
I think that because I’m also a maladaptive daydreamer I’m particularly susceptible to dissociation mentions. I once said that I thought it was the word dissociation, but it’s actually mentions of dissociation, not the word itself. I’m lightly dissociated just cause we’re talking abt it lmao
