i hate getting drunk on tuesdays and then regretting all my past decisions
my current problem is that after my classes in university me and my friends go drinking. it's mostly between 6:30 and 7:00 p.m. when we walk down the street out of our university to a park where a lot of people from our same university are there for the same reason as us. there's this lady who sells drinks at 100 pesos, which is like a 1 dollar and 70 cents for drink. sometimes I smoke with my friend cause he buys marlboros and I enjoy smoking more than vaping tbh. idk something about my chest feeling tight after hitting a vape.
when I'm already drunk I have to call my Uber (which I know isn't the best thinking choice when you're a girl, alone and wasted asf) and go home, always wishing my parents don't notice how drunk I am (even though I know they know). I call my friends that weren't drinking with me and I start pouring my heart out to them, it's always a lot of I love you's for the ones that are there at the moment and for some of my girl friends I try to get them to kiss me. yea, I guess I'm that kind of drunk.
I been texting this girl, she entered my career a trimester after me and she's friend with one of my friends from school. she's pretty, I think she's cool and she doesn't talk too much even though I ask her to know her more at a deeper level. we're friends, idk why I keep getting this desire to kiss her (mind you, I don't know anything more than a peck). she's technically my type: brunette, slightly taller than me, dark eyes.
I'm not in love or have a crush or anything. okay maybe a little crush, I'm gonna admit that because I would be talking shit if I denied it. but idk.
the first Tuesday I went drinking, I had one four loko, a buzzball, 2 drinks, 3 cigarettes and hit a mint vape. it was highly a crazy ass combo. when I was in the uber, my gay friend pretended to be my boyfriend so I wouldn't start freaking out about getting kidnapped or something like that; (it's a valid thing to think when you're a woman btw) and my best friend called me, I was blabbering and pretended to be sober to my parents when I got home. then called my other friends and at some point ended up calling this girl.
what the actual fuck is wrong with me? it's what I been questioning myself since that past Tuesday.
I keep saying to her how we're gonna kiss on Friday, because that's the only day we see each other. Friday comes up, I'm acting like the clingiest bitch. I lay my head in her lap and she plays with my hair. I get extremely embarrassed when on Saturday I spontaneously invite her over to meet my friends and keep acting like a clingy stupid and embarrassing girl. (the funniest thing is how I can understand how I seem so embarrassing and clingy while not caring a bit about what I do). my friends leave, she's about too. I ask her to kiss her and she said "no, not now". I want to rip my ears and chest and mouth and everything and rebuilt myself from scratch.
i text my university friends who know her. they say "yea it was noticeable yesterday" and the feelings of wanting to throw myself in front of moving traffic just intensifies more, you know.
why on god's green earth would I do something like that?
I cannot explain how much I wanted to kill myself. she said she was not uncomfortable or anything, in fact, she was very chill about it and kept responding to my texts and replying to my stories on my spam account. I still kept feeling embarrassed and wanted to avoid my university at all costs.
so we jump back to this tuesday, I go drinking again. I feel so happy when I'm drunk. idk why, it's something about me sober feeling mostly numb and uninterested about things and when the liquor hits and the euphoric feeling starts spreading through my body... damn, it's something that it's overly exciting and also deeply scary because I keep getting excited to hit that exact point when everything just feels and I stop thinking so deeply and just giggle and smile. i stop feeling so sad and so unmotivated and uninterested about things and for a moment I'm just am. I do embarrassing things and don't feel guilty and I express my real feelings and thoughts just for the logical part of start to regret it next day when I skip meals because I'm so hungover and my stomach feels like hell.
I called her again, this time in my uber. something about hearing her voice made me overly happy. she heard me pretend to be sober in front of my parents and then go pee. I thought about letting her see me undress in front of the camera, but decided to not do it. I ate in front of her and started with the same speech about how I bad I wanted to kiss her and about all the things I like about her.
she just laughed and kept hearing me. I clarified I don't like her like that or anything. (I could be lying). but I still remember how when we were hanging out on my house my stomach flipped when she saw me in the eyes. (I was like oh my fucking good when I felt that stomach flip). I gave her a pep talk while drunk asf too, I told her how she's not a loser (because I could never think of her being one) and she said she cried a little bit. she ended up sending me to sleep, I was falling asleep yea, that's true but I wanted to keep hearing her voice.
i ended up calling her on wednesday again. sober. I cried because my dad made me upset, but I turned my camera off because I didn't wanted her to see me cry (it would be pathetic asf) and over something so stupid. (idk, I seem to think everything that involves me crying over being upset about something is immediately pathetic).
and today I didn't go to university because my stomach has been killing me, fr. I took a nap in the morning while my housekeeper was cleaning the other rooms in my house and when I woke up I saw her text. we talked for a little bit and she's currently stressed for some project, she's producing a short film and things aren't going too good for her. Idk what to tell her to make her feel better, because there aren't many things to tell someone in that situation to be honest. maybe I just wanted to be helpful for her. I spent all day missing her. I have no idea if we were even gonna see each other today.
but idk why I'm playing all these games in my head just for nothing to happen. I keep doing this to me for no reason. idk what I'm searching for or what I plan to do with all these thoughts and feelings.
