the dull hangover of waiting

a daily venting/gratefulness practice for (hopefully) retaining my sanity during the third UK lockdown

[treesinbubbles]

[picture ID: a person with short blond hair and wearing a teal coloured hoodie is waving and smiling a bit awkwardly at the camera]

hi!

my name is Mathie (pronounced Mattie with a hard ‘t’) and a very necessary third national lockdown started here in england today. even though i look pretty cheery in the photo above, i’m finding it hard: the grinding, relentless repetition of it all, the terrible weather and the cold, the feeling of isolation, the boredom, the uncertainty, the nothing to look forward to; you name it.

i know we’re all going through it, but what i see in myself and in others around me is this almost compulsory ‘well it could be worse,’ or ‘all things considered i’m really doing okay.’ and while i think this sense of perspective is spot on, over time it can also be damaging if that ‘it could be worse’ sentiment takes up so much space that we can’t even sit with how we really feel anymore.

so this is an invitation to myself (and to everyone who wants ot join me in comments, reblogs or the privacy of their own mind) to take a moment every day of this lockdown and take stock of where I am. the good, the bad, the worries, the venting, the gratefulness, etc. no judgements, no pressure; i’m just taking some time to sit with whatever ‘it’ is each day. so with no further ado, here is where I am today:

today is 5 january 2021, it’s 9pm.

I’m feeling more present than i did this morning. i had incredible fun going on a run in the dark and cold. feeling capable of running for 25 minutes made me see the progress i made since starting to run last year (when i never thought i’d be that person!) and felt so great!

when i imagine the future though it feels bleak and unfocused. the news around covid19 and more the generally the state of the UK has me really worried. my go-to coping mechanism for this is typically distraction (playing games, reading, watching movies), but i’ve been trying to focus my attention on things and activities that make me feel present and that’s been helping a lot.

work has also been up in the air; i’ve been working as a nanny lately but with the schools closing it’s unclear when/how much i’ll be working in the coming month. thankfully money is not an issue right now, but i’m really craving something to do, you know?

[treesinbubbles]

today is 7 march 2021 (lockdown 3.0, day 62), it’s 11pm.

tomorrow, schools will reopen in england. while it’s debatable whether this counts as the end of the lockdown or not, i’ve decided to take it as such. this blog will still be here but won’t be updated daily anymore. i will probably still post once a week or so, but i’m looking forward to putting my time into other projects.

this is probably the point where i try to draw a conclusion of some sort. what was this for and did i reach this goal?

mainly, this was meant to help me check in with myself every day, and i did do that. it’s hard for me to say though if this was the best medium for the purpose. even though there’s only about three people (me included) who read what i write on here, it still felt like i was saying something that was public. could i maybe have done this in the privacy of my own head and get the same result? probably? not sure.

it’s also hard for me to gauge how interesting this is to read for other people. i don’t always find it intersting myself, and i don’t know if strangers who have limited context for what i’m going on about would care enough to read my updates. but then again; did i do it for me or did i do it to be interesting to other people? i kinda wanted it to be both i think. that desire we all have of wanting to do the things we want and like, but also then get validation and approval for doing those things.

maybe this can just be something i wanted to do and then did. something i will be able to look back on in the After Times and reminisce about what a weird time this all was. is.

it was 62 days of posting about my life in lockdown. no more, no less.

__

this is part of a daily practice i’m encouraging myself to do for the duration of the third UK lockdown. i’m taking some time to note where i am each day, letting myself sit with what comes up without judgement or pressure. feel free to join in!

here is yesterday’s post.

[treesinbubbles]

i missed yesterday 6 march 2021 (lockdown 3.0, day 61) because my exhaustion got the better of me so i went to bed at 8.30pm.

i did a long and very cold amble around hilly fields and the market with a friend. it was great but boy was it freezing!

it’s really weird, having had to meet all my friends in this way for months, to then hear that my sister had a small party in her flat over in switzerland. the luxury of being warm! and having a toilet nearby!

one day, the uk will get there too. i hope.

__

this is part of a daily practice i’m encouraging myself to do for the duration of the third UK lockdown. i’m taking some time to note where i am each day, letting myself sit with what comes up without judgement or pressure. feel free to join in!

here is yesterday’s post.

[treesinbubbles]

today is 5 march 2021 (lockdown 3.0, day 60), it’s 10pm.

i am glad this week is over, it was a lot. nothing special, just long days and a lot of different feelings and thoughts from one day to another. i found myself just babbling in counseling this morning, tired (and hungry) beyond coherent thought. also got sad, but couldn’t tell why. i wonder if something’s brewing or if it’s just tiredness?

unrelatedly, i got hold of a power drill which means i can work on my garden projects. maybe this will have to wait until i get several good night’s sleep though.

__

this is part of a daily practice i’m encouraging myself to do for the duration of the third UK lockdown. i’m taking some time to note where i am each day, letting myself sit with what comes up without judgement or pressure. feel free to join in!

here is yesterday’s post.

[treesinbubbles]

today is 4 march 2021 (lockdown 3.0, day 59), it’s 8pm.

it’s a wrestle-with-my-privilege day.

i was listening to this newscast explaining amazon’s efforts to block unionisation plans by their employees in the us. this, and i cannot stress this enough, IS SUPREMELY ILLEGAL EVERYWHERE IN THE EU (as far as i know). corporations CANNOT interfere in ANY WAY when their employees create or join a union here - wait, this is not the eu anymore - in the eu and the uk. however amazon has been hiring unionisation blocker consultants or whatever the fuck they’re called and paying them 32 000 moneys A DAY, when we know that egghead bezos, bald amazon darth vader, made 75 BILLION DOLLARS in 2020. during. a. pandemic. and the people who are brave and angry enough to put up a fight against amazon’s ridiculous work conditions get... warnings from their supervisors? threats and intimidation? for wanting to be treated fairly? how does this make sense? how is this not an incredibly easy moral choice? i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate that this is happening in this world. this is my world too and i don’t want that abhorrence in it.

i’ve also been talking to the mom of the kid i’m babysitting. she’s a single parent and has a good salary, but it’s not a lot in london with a child. in the company she works for, she’s seen that a good university degree can open a lot of doors, so she’s understandably worried about getting her kid into a good school. here in the uk, that’s very much a ‘where you live’ or a class thing - or money really. isn’t it all the same thing?

i hate that idea. i don’t want to buy into this bullshit system of class, money and influence, because that’s not how it’s supposed to be. i want to believe that it doesn’t matter what school you go to and that it doesn’t matter what university you go to. what matters is you becoming and being a person who is good at being a person for yourself and for others.

but of course i can think and say that... because i’m very privileged.

all that becoming a person who is good at being a person is only possible if you have a roof over your head, food on the table and time and a job that doesn’t suck the life out of you. i have that and more. and i think everybody should have that, no questions asked. i hate that this will make me sound like a naive idealist to some people.

i grew up in a family that had no political awareness to speak of. one of my parents especially holds very strong spiritual beliefs that i can only describe as neo-liberal - meaning that the self is at the centre of everything. you should lead by example, you should be the change you want to see in the world, your thoughts manifest what you imagine so manifest what you want out of life and manifest the world you want to live in.

increasingly, through lived experience and ongoing world events like the pandemic and climate change and the anti-racist movement, i find myself more and more repulsed by this way of seeing things. there is some wisdom in there, i’m not disputing that, but we live here on earth, together. people of colour cannot manifest racim away. struggling parents cannot manifest better jobs out of thin air. us amazon employees cannot manifest bezos giving them a fair wage. every single problem that plagues us is bigger than any one person - except, i guess, the matter of bezos (what does he do all day that he gets paid millions of dollars per second anyway? if this keeps going he’ll start taking himself for a god. nobody should have that much power). together. that’s where all our solutions will come from.

it’s so hard. it’s so hard to do anything where a lot of people need to agree on a solution. it’s hard to know where to start when you feel like a grain of sand on the vast, vast beach of existence. but we have to start. i have to start.

__

this is part of a daily practice i’m encouraging myself to do for the duration of the third UK lockdown. i’m taking some time to note where i am each day, letting myself sit with what comes up without judgement or pressure. feel free to join in!

here is yesterday’s post.

[treesinbubbles]

today is 3 march 2021 (lockdown 3.0, day 58), it’s 8.30pm.

i saw a frog on the path behind my house tonight. i was walking home from work, had just rescued an injured rainworm from the sidewalk and there it was.

frog.

i have never seen a frog near my house. i’ve lived here for 4 and a half years. in london.

huh.

weird.

cool.

i hope i see it again

__

this is part of a daily practice i’m encouraging myself to do for the duration of the third UK lockdown. i’m taking some time to note where i am each day, letting myself sit with what comes up without judgement or pressure. feel free to join in!

here is yesterday’s post.

[treesinbubbles]

today is 2 march 2021 (lockdown 3.0, day 57), it’s 10.15pm.

i’m irritated, angry, tired and sad. the last couple hours of work were a torturous drag today. i know i got a very self-critical eight year old on my hands and i’m the adult in the room, but when everything i suggest gets shot down and then she complains that i’m not contributing, it makes me wanna scream. or cry. or both. porque no los dos?

i don’t know what would make me feel better. i’m trying to get through this week, and then,, argh i dunno. everything sucks. but it’s sleep probably. it’s always sleep, right?

__

this is part of a daily practice i’m encouraging myself to do for the duration of the third UK lockdown. i’m taking some time to note where i am each day, letting myself sit with what comes up without judgement or pressure. feel free to join in!

here is yesterday’s post.

[treesinbubbles]

[picture ID: colourful wooden blocks of various shapes are stacked on the floor to make various buildings, together they look like a small village.]

today is 1 march 2021 (lockdown 3.0, day 56), it’s 9pm.

i am back at work, spending time with the kiddos: L who’s five (i won’t be seeing after this week anymore because he’ll be back at school :’( ) and S. who’s eight. i often feel like these kids are holding up a mirror for me: i’m seeing who i used to be at their age. it’s interesting.

however i was entirely too tired for all this today. also somehow after not having a to-do list for months, suddenly so many things i have/want to do are popping up and on top of having to find new work again, it all feels a bit much.

__

this is part of a daily practice i’m encouraging myself to do for the duration of the third UK lockdown. i’m taking some time to note where i am each day, letting myself sit with what comes up without judgement or pressure. feel free to join in!

here is yesterday’s post.

[treesinbubbles]

[picture ID: a person wearing bright red trousers and a blue jumper is standing on a grassy hill with their arms outstretched towards a bright blue sky. the picture is framed in such a way that the person looks small in comparison with the expanse of sky. on the eges of the picture, branches from three different trees can be seen, one with dried leaves, the two others with small white flowers.]

today is 28 february 2021 (lockdown 3.0, day 55), it’s 8.30pm.

i started the day feeling a bit depressed and wanting to avoid everything i had to do, but i got started anyway and now i feel better.

i meet a friend of mine every sunday for a walk, and this time i persuaded her to film me doing some dance improvisation outside. some of the trees already got flowers, and the sky went from really foggy to bright blue, so we found a spot that was just right and i started noodling around. it felt wonderful. i also felt out of practice (how can you be out of practice doing improvisation? i’m not sure exactly but i definitely felt it). but it got me excited about dancing again after long months of feeling meh about it, so i think i had the right idea there.

__

this is part of a daily practice i’m encouraging myself to do for the duration of the third UK lockdown. i’m taking some time to note where i am each day, letting myself sit with what comes up without judgement or pressure. feel free to join in!

here is yesterday’s post.

[treesinbubbles]

today is 27 february 2021 (lockdown 3.0, day 54), it’s 11pm.

gorgeous gorgeous day again, but i don’t feel quite right. tired and achey - glad for the sun but tired all the same. it’s the dull hangover of waiting. lockdown forever more. trapped in a relentless sameness.

god i need to sleep.

[treesinbubbles]

today is 26 february 2021 (lockdown 3.0, day 53), it’s 11pm.

i spent the week trying to mentally work something out without being able to pinpoint exactly what it was, so it felt really good to go to counselling and watch it all fall into place this morning. i left with a real feeling of peace.

i love that the weather’s been so lovely lately, but it’s weirld making the lockdown harder. i want to go out, do things, use the energy of spring to take a bite out of my life, but no. we’ve been told there might maybe be an ending to all this (june?), but it’s a long way off, still, and conditional. i will lose 50% of my work after next week and my distractions are not working as well as they were.

i’m starting to feel the dull hangover of waiting again.

i miss people.

[treesinbubbles]

today is 25 february 2021 (lockdown 3.0, day 52), it’s 10.30pm.

i don’t really know what to write today.

here’s a music recommendation: arlo parks for KEXP

it’d be nice to kiss someone right now. it’s been a while.

(...)

okay. i’ve been staring at the things around me for five minutes (a watch, many books, the plants that need watering, the jumper i need to put on depop, the folded laundry waiting to be put away, the postcards and quotes on the wall) and there’s nothing else. good night, then.

__

this is part of a daily practice i’m encouraging myself to do for the duration of the third UK lockdown. i’m taking some time to note where i am each day, letting myself sit with what comes up without judgement or pressure. feel free to join in!

here is yesterday’s post.

[treesinbubbles]

today is 24 february 2021 (lockdown 3.0, day 51), it’s 10.30pm.

i’m tired of my brain overanalysing everything all the time. i keep finding things i did years or weeks ago embarrasing enough to cringe or cover my face at random moments. i just want to enjoy spring arriving, enjoy my coffe after a nap. i want to try to ignore the world going to hell in a handbasket and enjoy my time.

from me to me: please just let me be.

__

this is part of a daily practice i’m encouraging myself to do for the duration of the third UK lockdown. i’m taking some time to note where i am each day, letting myself sit with what comes up without judgement or pressure. feel free to join in!

here is yesterday’s post.

[treesinbubbles]

today is 23 february 2021 (lockdown 3.0, day 50), it’s 10.30pm.

yesterday, the boris the johnson the prime serious minister announced a timetable for easing of the covid19 measures. it feels surreal to think that we could have all of them lifted in june. most of me is convinced this lockdown is going to last forever, so the idea that it’s all going to be over? fake. there’s definitely a non zero chance it’ll take longer anyway, so the emotionally safest way to think about it is to not get my hopes too high too quickly - though god do i want to.

given the staggered way this is going to happen, i have a practical question that needs resolving: when do i consider the lockdown over? how long will i keep this project going? the official stay at home rule ends on 29th march which is i what will make the biggest difference to me, so do i consider that the end of the project? or do consider the reopening of schools on 8 march the end of the lockdown and stop then?

something to think about.

__

this is part of a daily practice i’m encouraging myself to do for the duration of the third UK lockdown. i’m taking some time to note where i am each day, letting myself sit with what comes up without judgement or pressure. feel free to join in!

here is yesterday’s post.

[treesinbubbles]

[picture ID: the official illustration provided for adrianne lenker’s song ‘anything’ depicting watercolour poppies, leaves and other abstract flowers]

today is 22 february 2021 (lockdown 3.0, day 49), it’s 8 pm.

i just discovered the song ‘anything’ by adrianne lenker by accident and it nerfed me in the heart.

something about the fragility of her voice, the way there isn’t really much melody: the music says it’s just a song hummed contently around the house, something a little girl might sing, something careless and without much weight - and then the lyrics hit you (i mean me) with things like

“staring down the barrel of the hot sun / shining with the sheen of a shotgun” or

“i was scared indigo, but i wanted to” or most of all

“i wanna kiss, kiss your eyes again / wanna witness your eyes looking”

i mEAn,,,,,,,,,!!

the combination of stream of consicousness snapshots of moments, the poetry of the language and depth of the feeling contrasted with the simplicity and the peacefulness (sadness?) of the music...........i dunno it just works for me.

or maybe i’m rationalising the fact that it made me disolve into a lovesick pile of longing. it’s the many ‘i wanna’ making me think of the many things that i wanna too.

music, man.

i can’t wait for the day i get to sing with real people again.

__

this is part of a daily practice i’m encouraging myself to do for the duration of the third UK lockdown. i’m taking some time to note where i am each day, letting myself sit with what comes up without judgement or pressure. feel free to join in!

here is yesterday’s post.

[treesinbubbles]

today is 21 february 2021 (lockdown 3.0, day 48), it’s 11 pm.

spring is coming and it feels delicious. with the lockdown at the moment, the only way to hang out with friends is outside, and it feels like a real luxury to be able to sit down somewhere and not be cold after five minutes. i love how a thing that happens every year can seem like a miracle every time.

the next four days are going to be busy but i think i’m as ready for it as i could make myself. my room is clean, laundry done, fridge stocked. the only thing that’s not so on point is the amount of sleep i’ve been getting, so i’m off to bed.

__

this is part of a daily practice i’m encouraging myself to do for the duration of the third UK lockdown. i’m taking some time to note where i am each day, letting myself sit with what comes up without judgement or pressure. feel free to join in!

here is yesterday’s post.

[treesinbubbles]

[picture ID: selfie of a thirty-ish, white, short-haired person squinting and smiling in the evening sunlight]

today is 20 february 2021 (lockdown 3.0, day 47), it’s 4pm.

there’s been weeks, months of living small. our aspirations shortening along with the days, the mind shrinking like the smaller and smaller space we’re asked to call life - or life enough. a house, a flat, a room, a screen. a whole life? a shrunk life. a life.

for me personally, there’s been a lot of doing nothing. of waiting for people to get back to me about jobs or volunteering. a lot of bracing for the shortening days, the worsening news. a lot of retreating into old coping mechanisms, escaping into books and games and daydreams, only to often feel worse when i come back. i’ve been okay, considering. i’ve been coping. it could have been worse. could be worse. and it also sucks.

today i got up early to a sun already risen. i spent the morning outside, windswept, often dazzled by the sun. i can smell the spring coming. i took care of myself in planning for the week ahead, shopping, cooking, cleaning. the heating was off, the windows open and doors slamming with the wind. and the smell of spring everywhere.

today feel so happy to be here, alive, in the sun. i feel a promise. or maybe it’s hope, i don’t know. i’m looking down at my hands and finding i’m holding the many things that make a life. the multifacetedness of being. doubting worrying hoping. the part of me that’s trying to internalise that i get to be messy and avoidant and make mistakes and say the wrong thing and that none of these things revoke my Worthy&LovableHuman card. the parts that still make me feel like i’m seven and lost. the parts that are trying and humbled. the traumatised ones and the joyful ones. the parts that are loved. the parts that are loving and learning.

i’m so glad i get to be here, alive alive alive

__

this is part of a daily practice i’m encouraging myself to do for the duration of the third UK lockdown. i’m taking some time to note where i am each day, letting myself sit with what comes up without judgement or pressure. feel free to join in!

here is yesterday’s post.