† Michelle A. † @tresbienabdelm - Tumblr Blog

Posts

Social media don't hit like it used to. Just feels like every other post is trying to sell you something. Feels soulless.

eggwhiteswithspinach

dumpligns

zegalba

Jean Paul Gaultier spring/summer 2007

nobrashfestivity

Yoshitomo Nara Patch of Earth

tresbienabdelm

I wanna be pretty and smart.

So smart it’s attractive. So pretty it’s impossible to not be almost head over heel’s.

tresbienabdelm

You got a your teeth fixed and a B.A in Chemistry & minored in Atmospheric & Oceanic Sciences baby!

#selflove #letterstoher

half-a-corpse-half-a-poet

— Franz Kafka, from a letter to Felice Bauer

ialreadyboughtthedream

tresbienabdelm

THE MORE DETAILED THE BETTER.

ponderation

tresbienabdelm

Goat Rocks Wilderness, Washington by Scott Smorra

Update

Well, it's 9 days till I turn 30 and I haven't really kept up this journaling jig as much as I'd like to. To begin, let's clear out the big thing's I've accomplished/done as of these past couple of years.

Graduated with a Bachelors of Arts in Chemistry with a minor in Atmospheric & Oceanic Sciences

2. I did research at the Atmospheric Chemistry Observations & Modeling lab at NCAR in the summer of 2022 and 2023

3. I attended the American Geophysical Union (AGU) conference in Chicago where I presented my poster for the first time outside of Colorado and in 2023 I went to AGU in San Francisco!

4. I started talking to Dad again on November 24, 2024 via WhatsApp.

5. I'm currently applying for Grad school, so far I'm slowly but surely working on an application to the University of York, we'll see how it goes!

6. I'm in probably the healthiest relationship of my life so that's 9/10, had to do a lot of self work but we here.

7. I finally got my passport and went to the Netherlands, France and Italy in 2022 and France and Italy again in 2023 for my birthday!

8. Adopted a kitten on February 2nd 2024 and named him Leon, he was born 8/21/2023 making him a Leo and his face looks like a lion so I like to call him Leo the lion

9. Got a "big girl" job a couple months after I officially graduated so I'm no longer working as a pharmacy tech and now doing work as an air quality specialist for a consulting company

10. Went to Puerto Rico & finally saw grandma's house. I went with Tristan & Alana, it was a fun experience to have gone back as an adult.

11. Paid off my private loan of 17K in May

Overall, life is going okay. George finally moved out of mom's house before his birthday this year so that's been an experience trying to help him out despite being far away in Colorado. It's been interesting to watch him deal with adulthood as someone who's always been there to prevent additional suffering. Thinking back when I moved out was such an experience and I'm so glad I got out as early as I did.

I feel like I spent a fair portion of 2025 looking back, digging into my posts on here and going through old photos. Normal as it may seem from such a nostalgist, I think as I approach 30 I've been feeling sentimental, but also anxious. All these questions of, okay do you want to have a kid cause nOWS the time or alright, you've got your bachelors degree, is this as far as you wanna go? Before I used to think oh I will absolutely have a child before 30 and now, I'm still on the fence and school, well I'm applying to Masters programs in hopes of acquiring a more fulfilling career like research.

It's been scary, feeling as though I've just been watching my life speed through and now I'm about to be 30. My mother had me and my brother at that age which is crazy to think of when I take into account that I was a whole ass 12 years old. I couldn't raise a 12 year old at this age, I mean I could try but my god, the emotional toll. I suppose at the end of it all, I am glad to have been born into this life and to have the privilege of doing all the things my parents couldn't do.

For my 30th, Tristan and I will be celebrating me in Santa Barbara, California. I told him I wanted to ride a horse for my 30th, I want to gallop into my 30's so we'll be doing that, which I'm pretty excited about. Hilarious because that idea stemmed from my For you page on TikTok feeding me tiktoks of girls galloping on horses and it was kind of inspiring. As the algorithm would sprinkle a video every now and then I'd think to myself, I need to do that. The adrenaline rush would be insane and I don't think they'll let us gallop on the horse but here's to hoping!

We fly into Santa Barbara on the 27th of June and fly back from San Jose on the 6th. So far what we have planned is a dodgers game on the 1st of July and exploring Sequoia National Park on the 2nd & 3rd. I really wanted to see Buscabulla in LA on the 3rd but Tristan doesn't think it's a good idea to drive from LA to Sequoia back to LA then to Carmel-by-the-Sea which, is extremely valid. I need to get more thing's cemented into the week like seeing Miranda and going to the beach but I'm really excited. I've only been to San Francisco and that was for a conference so it will be a lot of fun to experience the different parts of California. I had a kooky idea of maybe signing up for a dance class because I follow a fair amount of choreographers in the LA area but I don't think that will come into fruition. Anywhoo, that's the update, I'll probably post a bunch photos soon but this was good. Provided is a cheeky screenshot of Jay & I watching an old video of ourselves singing a tasteful song lolololool.

uncensoredhijabii

lovely-kuma

Response.

1/15/24 12:07 PM

Hello,

I logged off of your account on Amazon and no longer plan on using it. I had planned to go full no-contact with you since our last discussion however I failed to fully cut all strings attached. I have made this decision because I recognize that you cannot be the mother I need and want. You prioritize the men you are emotionally attached to and continue to place your children second; that is what you have always done and I'm assuming you might continue to do. Every conversation is fully centered around you and you have 0 interest in actively listening to me. When you came out in May of 2022, you held little-to-no interest in speaking to me on any topic other than yourself or drama, you were glued to your phone, any time I would try to educate you on something you would burst with the classic "you think you fucking know everything" or "you think you're better than everybody", I had a meeting with two scientist that i was working with and all you had to say was "you need to stop doing that high pitched voice you do", like...how do you think that makes me feel? Ever since you close-fist punched me in the face, my eyes have opened year by year into this cycle i continue to fall into. All I wanted was a mother who would prioritize her mental and physical health and her children, but you refuse to do so.

Every year I would hope and say "no she's different this time, she can change, she'll show me the love i need" and every year you continue to throw a tantrum and prioritize your "boyfriends" because you are "grown" and I am "not the boss" of you. I have asked numerous people after showing them the entirety of our last conversation and all people had to say was "Oh my god, i am so sorry" or "stop giving her your energy, she has 0 want to change". I understand that your father left you for Veronica to start a new family and that hurt you so every little thing grandpa does is HUGE, I understand that you had me at 18 so you did not get the chance to enjoy your youth and develop, I understand that you never learned how to LOVE. Your own mother tears you a new one and makes you feel like shit, dad cheated on you MULTIPLE times, grandpa ran around doing his own thing coming and going as he pleased...I GET it. However, that is not an excuse to continue the cycle of emotional abuse...when I was around you, it felt like I was with a 17 year old, it is emotionally and physically exhausting. I love you, A LOT but I cannot let you into my life until you can take some accountability and go in for a psychiatric evaluation. Until then, I am cutting all strings attached and you will be restricted from knowing anything about me because you have hurt me A LOT...just as your own mother has but I will be the first to stop the cycle. I am 28 years old and I've heard you make claims to people saying "she's changed", "she's sensitive", and "i don't know why she doesn't speak to me". Firstly, I choose to not speak to you because you do not respect me, prioritize me, or care to listen to me. Secondly, I have changed and it's great...are you the same person that you were when you were 30? 25? 40? As we grow, we all change and for me, I am changing for the better because I want to be better.

Lastly, you can go ahead and tell everyone how you are the victim however I have an entire folder filled with how you talk to me. I know that you have a power complex and don't know how to put that down because you have consistently been powerless but it cannot continue with me. I really really looked up to you, you went to college, you were working, you put yourself through a LOT and all I wanted to do was make you happy, but you will not let me. I wanted to give you the world and I could, but I need you to get better. I'm doing science for Christ sake, is that not impressive? am i not worthy of respect after all of this? are my words not valuable to you? This is the last message you will receive from me and if you have something of grand importance to tell me or paperwork of proof, send it to George Jr. And to answer your question, if you WANT to send me sofrito, you can but that is not how you take accountability, here is a link on how (x) I love you and I wish you the best.

Love your first born daughter,

M.A

#the-last-message