Story of a Broken Toy

[treygeek]

Broken Attempt at Sobriety: The Aftermath

I am going to save the story of how I royally screwed up this past week for another time. With every fubar there should be lessons to be learned and plans to make.  Here are my plans as a result of this fubar:

Monday 7pm: Crystal Meth Anonymous Monday 8:30pm: Narcotics Anonymous Monday 10pm: Drive to "my parking spot" and go to sleep. Tuesday 5:30am: Be at Labor Ready, hoping to go to a job site. Tuesday (After work): Get gas and go to "my parking spot" and go to sleep. Wed 8am: Meet with APD and register Wed (after APD): Go to PES to see a doctor about getting anti-depressants. Wed (after PES): Go to library to apply for full-time work. Thursday & Friday 5am: Labor Ready

What NOT to do: * Get on Adam4Adam. * Look at personals on Craigslist. * Buy meth. * Freak out.

[treygeek]

Officially homeless

Though I’ve been sleeping in my truck for the good part of the last week, it isn’t until today that I become officially homeless.  I went back to the house this weekend to pick up the last bits of stuff. Today I left and came into Austin. With December rent due and having practically no money (I have a little over $20 left from recycling scrap) I can’t afford my place anymore.

The biggest thought about losing the place I’ve li ed at for almost three years is no housing saftey net. Up until today, I had a place to go. A place that was dry, a place with a couch, a place where my comfortable bed is. Now it was a place with all of that. Now, I have my truck and what fits in it, which isn't a lot since I need space to lay out at night to sleep.

In some ways I'm sad about it. But I've had several weeks to mentally prepare myself. Leaving that place and some of my stuff behind is just another step in my journey of rebuilding my life. Strip myself of things to slowly reclaim them and truly appreciate them moving forward.

[treygeek]

When best friends renig

A week ago my best friend stepped off a bus in South Dakota after spending a day and a half riding there from Texas. When I tearfully saw him onto the bus on this end there were plans in mind for how we can improve his life.

The plan was to stay with his brother and sober up first. Get back to seeing the doctor to evaluate his medical conditions and get on meds for HIV and Hepatitis.  He’d also get back on psych meds.  This would be a multi-month process which would lead up to him going to rehab.

I thought we were both in agreement that this was the best course of action for him. He could get healthy again and not be so dependent on meth to live life. I was thinking of the things we could enjoy doing with the money we wouldn’t be spending on meth: go to see movies, visit a video game arcade, eat out at nicer places, buy nicer things for the house.

This evening he dropped a bombshell on me. He said he might be back in six months. The reason is his brother may be coming back as well. This, in my mind, throws out the idea of rehab for him before he comes back. I know he will use again and he admits that he will. I suggested that if he does come back in summer that we get him a referral to a treatment center down here for him to go through. He doesn't want to do it.

In a way, I'm less concerned about whether he quits meth entirely or not. What I am more concerned about is him getting back into the same pattern of spending the bulk of his disability check on meth and having nothing left over. I'm concerned about him hanging out with people who don't care about him but about him sharing his meth. I'm concerned he'll start hating himself for being so generous with others when they offer nothing in return and as a result he has nothing in return.

I want to help my best friend avoid repeating these situations.  I really really want to. I'll talk to him more about it over time. He can be quite stubborn though. Maybe when he has Internet access again and he reads this he'll start to understand. I hope I don't have to choose between him and his addiction. Meaning the possibility he falls back into the same patterns and I have to leave him behind. I can still remember July 5 when he pleaded with me not to leave him behind.

I do need to fix myself first. Living in my truck, eeking out gas money with scavanged metal and the occasional item to sell is no good. Living off of baloney sandwiches is no good. I need a regular job with a regular income. That will allow me to buy healthier food and a place to stay. From there continue to improve my life, one day and one step at a time. I do hope that my best friend can see the bnenefit in that and will want to join me in it one day.

[treygeek]

12 Stepping - For real this time?

I’ve been in therapy and treatment off and on for over 10 years. One suggested route has always been 12 step programs. For my issues back then Sex Addicts Anonymous was the program I should have worked through. I went to meetings and shared on occasion. However, I never got a sponsor and I never truly worked the program.

Wednesday when I was at MHMR, the kind lady giving me lists and handouts of resources included a list of NA meetings in the Austin area. I accepted the list but didn't look at it much. I finally did yesterday afternoon and found there is a "club" for recovering gay (and lesbians) that rents space to 12 step groups.

Last night I went to my first 12 step meeting in over 5 years. I know that I really should work the program this time. I should probably figure out some way to do Narcotics Anonymous, Alcoholics Anonymous and Sex Addicts Anonymous as an integrated program. (I'm leaving out Overeater Anonymous or whichever program is for folks who cope with negative feelings with food.) This will likely require talking to folks outside of meetings and having at least one sponsor, maybe more.

This *WILL* require doing something I am not good at: interacting with people. Last night following the meeting I left afterwards. The club has a nice lounge area where groups can hold fellowship and individuals discuss things. I didn't stay. An old pattern, one I must break. I suppose I shouldn't be too hard on myself. I spent a lifetime of avoiding people and isolating myself. Jumping into the deep end of social interaction following groups won't happen immediately. But I do need to be sure take steps to improve that behavior.

[treygeek]

HIV and Hep C test results

One action in starting to put my life back together was to get tested for HIV. In the last five months my primary sexual partner was HIV positive and unmedicated. Not only would I be a bareback bottom for him, we on occasion would share needles when getting high.

I visited the MHMR C.A.R.E. Program which offers free HIV and Hep C testing. For reasons I may discuss later, I expected both tests to come out positive. The HIV test came first. To my surprise it was negative (or non-reactive as the official teminology is).

I discussed the situation with the counselors. HIV does not survive very long outside of the body. So any contaminated needles would be unlikely to cause infection.  Well, short of an immediate blood slam but that’s a different issue. Also, while my partner and I would have sex with using a condom he would rarely cum inside me. So that explains that. Hepititus C is more resilient and it’s easier to catch it from sharing needles. So it was no surprise the Hep C test was reactive suggesting I have it.

So what’s next? Because I’m jobless and homeless I qualify for free/reduced medical care in Travis County. Tuesday morning I go in to get a MAP card so I can see a doctor for the first time in many years.  I’ll then make an appointment with a medical doctor to do a Hep C genome type test.  Based on that test I may qualify to join clinical research studies for possible treatments. If not, I can still get treatment through CommunityCare.

I figure when I see the doctor I should get tested for Hep A and Hep B just in case. Other STD are unlikely for me, I think, but we'll see. Finally, I need to convince the medical doctor to prescribe me anti-depressants. I used to take Prozac but haven't in years. Getting back on meds will help with my sadness and depression.  Hopefully, it'll make like easier to deal with and be more managable.

One step at a time.

[treygeek]

Living life like a video game

There have been many times over the years that while playing an RPG video game I think to myself, “Why can’t real life be like this?” 

Afterall, in them you can walk up to a lot of people and be asked to perform some service or complete some task for them. In exchange, they’ll pay you or give you some kind of trinket. There is never a need to submit a resume, go through a background check, or other time extending trouble. They say, “These wolves are scaring my cows. Kill ten of them for me. NOW!!”

Then, while off killing those wolves or acquiring the sword of infinite ale, there are many opportunities to gather stuff. Yes, stuff! Herbs, ore, plunder off bandits and other stuff.  This stuff can be sold to a town shop keep for money. Money is used to rent a room at inns and to buy better stuff.

In a way, living life in a video game is pretty easy. There are boundless opportunities to make a living and make a place of yourself. 

Recently I see some aspects of those games in my activities.  I've been walking around a few parks, sporting fields and parking lots collecting aluminum cans and other metal stuff. I still need to level up this gathering skill, but it has potential.  Last week my best friend and I took some scrap metal to a recycling center and walked away with over $30. A trash bag of aluminum cans is worth between $3 and $4. Not a lot, but a good park can result in a couple bags. The real money is being made with copper though. Old Christmas lights and extension cords result in cash quick. Other scrap metal becomes icing on the cake.

As for acquiring quests, Craigslist might be the way to go.  Especially for an asocial geek like me. I posted an ad in the m4m platonic section today basically saying "I'm newly homeless and it's my fault. Looking for a good meal, warm bed, hot shower or whatever. Willing to help out where I can." Had a guy contact me asking if I'd help him clean his parent's garage / game room. Sure I will! He says he'll pay $10 per hour and figures there is 2-3 hours of work tonight.

We'll see how it goes, but there's gas for the truck and another batch of sandwich fixings.

[hiremebc]

10.

I’m honest to a fault.

[hiremebc]

26.

I’m sick of resending my resume to employers who contact me because I sent my resume to them.

[hiremebc]

28.

As much as I enjoy sleeping until 3pm every day, I would appreciate a purpose in life.

[treygeek]

Day at the library

Sat around at Labor Ready for the first part of the morning. It’s a rainy day and a lot of possible jobs were cancelled.  So after waiting four hours I went to a nearby library.  I can use the computers here up to two hours per day. I made decent use of them today.

I rewrote my resume… well, regenerated it from one on a job site.  I applied to a couple jobs on craigslist.  I also updated my profile on Dice.com but didn't find anything on it I felt applicable for.

One thing on my to do list for this homeless restart to life is to get tested for HIV. The morbid thing is that if I were poz then multiple doors would open up in terms of assistance. Looking at websites of organizations that do free HIV testing, I missed out on it this morning. I'll basically have all day Wednesday to get tested.

I'm also considering going to the Waterloo Counseling Center. They offer therapy and may also be able to steer me towards other resources. I'd have to print out multiple forms for that though. Printing costs money, so it'll have to wait I guess. 

One concern that's crossed my mind is the services that require proof of residence and proof of income. How does one prove they are living out of their truck? How does one prove they have no income? These are important questions to me that were never answered in high school or college.

[chisparoja]

Labor Ready Sounds like the Name for a Brand of Slave Robots

[treygeek]

chisparoja:

In our previous post on Davis Wire, we noted that scabs were being driven into the factory every morning.  When tracked back to a nearby Park-and-Ride, it appeared that many of these scabs had been found through employment and temp agencies, such as Labor Ready.  Likely long-term unemployed or underemployed, there are many workers willing to jump for the chance at a temp contract like this (possibly offered the opportunity to become permanent employees once the union is broken).  Below is an article reposted from Mother Jones on the growth in such temporary labor agencies.

————

[SOURCE]

"Everyone Only Wants Temps"

My stint doing “on demand” grunt work for one of America’s hottest growth industries.

By Gabriel Thompson on Mon. July 16, 2012 3:00 AM PDT

It’s still dark when I show up at the Labor Ready storefront in downtown Oakland, California, just a few blocks from the plaza where the Occupy crowd threw up its tents against the one percent. From the sidewalk, the place looks vaguely illicit, with minimal signage and floor-to-ceiling shades that remain drawn 24/7. Later, I will come to think of this as the company “look”—unwelcoming and easy to miss—often tucked alongside a check-cashing business or payday lender.

Read More

[atodolistnovel-blog]

Things I'm Starting to Accept About the Dreaded Question

[treygeek]

Qatodolistnovel:

"What are you up to now?"

When you graduate, you generally fall into one of two categories:

you have a post-graduation plan in place. This means you have a job/internship/enrollment in a graduate program. If you’re lucky enough, your starting date is in August or September, so you have the entire summer free to squander the last bit of freedom that you have.

you are job hunting. You couldn’t secure a job by the time you graduate so instead of spending your summer in the south of France or galavanting through Asia, you’re going to be scrambling for a job or at least an internship. Until then, you’re probably bumming it at an hourly job to at least try and be productive while you figure your life out.

If you fall into the first category, the only thing you’ll dread about the dreaded question is hearing it again. If you have to tell someone else that you work for PriceWaterloitte Young MG in New York City as a business finance technology behavioral consulting analyst one more freaking time, you’re might actually lose it.

If you fall into the second category, like me, you spend a lot of time envying the people in the first group because they have it figured out. Maybe not for the long term, but for the time being, they’re doing something that’s a little better than having to explain that you “haven’t found a job yet” but you’re “still looking and not giving up hope”. You have to deal with the sympathetic nods and the following conversation about your ineptitude by discussing how difficult the job economy is these days. Eventually, a hard truth hits you: if it was really that bad, then you wouldn’t feel like you were singled out among your peers to be granted unemployment.

Read More

[treygeek]

Back to Work: Labor Ready and more

Over the last three years, when I am jobless and nearly broke, Labor Ready usually seems to get me over the hump.  Considering that I don’t have a job and I have a little over a dollar in change, it’s that time again. Friday I filled out the employment paperwork at Labor Ready again. Tomorrow morning I’ll sign in, sit down and hope to get sent out on a job.

Working at Labor Ready isn’t the best job for me. I am physically more suited for a desk-type job.  Oh, I gladly go out and haul trash at a construction site, unload a semi of furniture, cabinets or washers and dryers.  (All jobs I've done at Labor Ready.) However, with the infrequency of that kind of work I often find myself dragging home feeling sore and beat-up.  It's what I have to do at the moment, it's the corner I've boxed myself into, so it's what I will do.

On the days that I am not sent to a job or I am physically unable to, I will need to go to a public library or the workforce commission. These places should offer computers I can use.  My resume needs to be rewritten, online job profiles updated, and employment ads answered. Who knows how long it will take to find a regular job, particularly with my history.  All I can really do, is take things one day at a time.

[treygeek]

Ms Harley's temporary home while the feral stray cat goes to the shelter.

[treygeek]

A new diary

I’ve never been good with updating blogs and diaries. Maybe this one will be different since it’ll be therapeutic in some ways and one of my few outlets in other ways.

So many people look at me and see a smart guy, a skilled computer geek, someone with a lot of potential. When I look at me I see someone incapable of dealing with people, who has failed so many times, a freak, and someone who struggles to get by.  These are two very different viewpoint that makes it more difficult for me to communicate and express myself to others.

At the moment my situation is near chaos. I walked out on my job at the start of the month. It results in not being able to pay my bills, so now there is no electricity in my place. I charge my phone in my truck, but freeze inside unless I’m under multiple blankets. In about a week, I won’t be able to afford my rent, so I’ll be living out of my truck. What happens on a day-to-day basis is a complete mystery.

Not quite the fresh start I was looking for, but it’s all I have for now.