d e v o n
Monterey Bay Aquarium
almost home
No title available
Janaina Medeiros
Today's Document
Cosimo Galluzzi
Claire Keane
roma★
ellievsbear
if i look back, i am lost
h
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
AnasAbdin
hello vonnie
Misplaced Lens Cap
No title available
$LAYYYTER
Sade Olutola
No title available
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Brazil
seen from Poland
seen from Malaysia
seen from Sweden
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
seen from India
seen from United States
seen from Belgium
seen from Singapore
seen from United States
seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
@trichobytes
Self care is getting home from work as quickly as possible because I’ve been pulling all day at the office. Self care is brushing my teeth, putting a tight fitting hat on, curling up with tea and watching MST3K on Netflix. Self care is reminding myself that I’ve been here before and I can try again tomorrow.
Does anyone else ever, like, feel physically gross after pulling for a long time (couple hours or more, over the course of a day)
Not just disgusted by what you’ve done, or by the little pile of hair on your desk and keyboard, but actually feel really oily and tired and nasty, like you haven’t showered for awhile?
Men’s rights activists declare victory over Star Wars
In advance of the film’s release, the same “men’s rights activists” who took to the internet to complain about Mad Max: Fury Road took to the internet to complain that a series that gave women not named Leia only 63 seconds of dialogue across its first three movies was over-representing women. Horrified by the thought of a girl touching a lightsaber, MRAs attempted to organize a boycott of The Force Awakens, claiming that a film that acknowledges that women and people of color exist and can act in movies amounts to “SJW Propaganda.”
And now, the results of that boycott are in, and the MRAs have declared victory. Return Of Kings, “a blog for heterosexual, masculine men” upset that their movie about space wizards has a girl in it, is estimating that The Force Awakens “lost $4.2 million because of our reporting.” (Forbes disagrees with this assertion, not that it matters to the Return Of Kings faithful.) They arrived at this number by extrapolating the results of a 565-person informal poll by their site’s roughly estimated monthly users, multiplied by average ticket price. It’s unimpeachably sound science, just like the sound TIE fighters make in space.
Full story at avclub.com
we made you a very important GIF
THANK YOU
you are the dancing queen
“Let me help you cut your hair” he said
“It takes you so long to do it yourself, I can do it for you” he said
“Uh….let me get the ruler” he said
“Uh….layering? That’s like that cyberpunk haircut right?” he said (he meant an undercut)
“Okay don’t get mad” he said
And that, boys and girls, is how a simple evening and shaping of my hair turned into a hat day at work. Don’t worry - friends who know how to work a razor are coming to the rescue.
He really is a sweetie for wanting to help but....never again.
So here it is - the magazine article that first informed me about trichotillomania waaaay back in 2000 (though I’m fairly certain I actually received this issue in 1999).
January 2000 (The start of the second semester of 7th grade) was the first time I started pulling. I’d already dealt with severe ADHD since I was 5, spent the summer before having massive panic attacks every single night, sure that I was going to die (which led to my Anxiety diagnosis). Then the pulling began, not one month after I’d read this article. Do I think I started pulling because of reading this? I don’t think so. I don’t think the suggestion was just subconsciously put into my brain and I decided that this was the best way for me to cope with the stressful situations I was starting to deal with as a pubescent adolescent. That doesn’t make any sense - why would I pick up this one thing? I read a lot. I read a lot as a child, watched a lot of movies as a child, and played a lot of video games - why would this one 3 page article cause me to do this to myself? So no, I don’t think it caused anything. I will say it was serendipitous, and perhaps a blessing.
Just another note: yes, this is from a reliigous magazine called “Guideposts for Teens”. My church that I grew up in subscribed to it for me, and although I still do identify as Christian, I’m in no way posting this as any sort of religious message for anyone else. I’m posting this because this magazine article was the only thing I had for the longest time that gave me any sort of useful information about Trichotillomania, and gave a name to it. I realize how lucky I was. A lot of people with TTM grow up without knowing it’s a real disease, and that it has a name. I knew right out of the gate, and for all the shit that went down, at least that was something. Sometimes I wonder about Amanda, if she knows that she is the reason I was armed with information in a time where almost none existed about TTM. For all the bullying, and the self-loathing, and the depression and awkwardness and general SUCKITUDE, I knew that I was not alone.
This magazine article is an artifact and a life preserver for a much younger, much lonelier me.
Bringing this back out for BFRB Week. @tlcbfrb, thanks for all you do. For most of my adolescence, this magazine article was my only lifeline to what was happening to me, and that little link at the bottom was an invaluable resource. I wish I had utilized it more, but lol dial up.
WHEN I HEAR SUGGESTIONS FROM NON-PULLERS ON HOW TO STOP
WHAT IS THIS BLOG STOP I LOVE IT
This was taken over a period of TWO MONTHS.
In late July, I left the Appalachian Trail where I had been hiking (pull-free!) for four months. The top picture was taken August 1st. LOOK AT THEM CURLS! Longest and fullest my had been in 15 years!
By late August and early September I had pulled so much out that I had to have my head buzzed. It was heartbreaking to have lost something I was so proud of (I also gained a lot of weight oops forgot I wasn’t hiking 20 mile days anymore)
Today, October 1st, this is how much my hair has grown back. It’s getting long enough that I can pull it, so I’ll have to start being careful and using my cognitive behavioral techniques that I’ve learned over the years.
Happy BFRB Awareness Week, everyone!
BFRB Awareness: This Is Me
What is your first name? Erin
Where are you from? Rural Illinois, now living in the Big(ish) City
Your hobbies/interests/career? Animals, science, ethology, photography, hiking, tumblr, and cinema
What BFRB/s do you have? Trichotillomania and to a much lesser extent dermotillomania
How old you were when your BFRB/s started? 12. Mine onset January of 7th Grade. I am now 28. I have lived longer with my BFRB than without it.
The worst part of having a BFRB? You mean aside from the defeated self confidence, the deflated sense of self worth from not having hair, the loneliness of being bullied all through your teen years, the shut downs from crushes and paralyzing fear of dating, the anguish of feeling ugly and unwanted and a failure after looking in the mirror the day after a particularly long pulling spell, the disappointment of waking up after dreaming about having long, full hair, and the annoyance of being occasionally misgendered? I’d have to say the inability to wear cute barrettes and bows. I’m all about the cute accessories.
The best part of having a BFRB? I kinda feel like this is a hollow question. I’ve persevered and become a strong advocate for breaking the stigma of mental health, which is super important, but I’m not going to lie and think I wouldn’t be happier or more self-actualized without my BFRB. I guess the BEST thing is that I’ll be able to sit down and write my book on it one day. I want to write a book that explores the condition itself, it’s research, the stories of people who cope with it, and the stories of loved ones. I want to be able to normalize this as best as I can. I think having TTM has given me a voice to speak up and speak out about things that are important to me, and it has given me the fortitude to do better every single day.
What is the ideal reaction for someone to have, when you tell them about your BFRB? The ideal reaction is the one I encounter the most, actually - “Really? I know someone who does that/I do that/can you tell me more about it?” I know a lot of people may not like it, but I’d rather people ask questions than think things that are insensitive/not true.
Something you would like to tell people who just discovered the BFRB community? First of all, I’m SO GLAD you’ve found the community. Please, please take full advantage of asking questions. WE ARE ALL HERE FOR YOU. This age of social media blows me away, that we can connect like this. When I was growing up and coming to terms with TTM I was lucky that I had learned about my condition through happenstance previously. This was in 2000. I had a name for what I was doing, but nobody to connect with. Nobody to log on and understand what I was going through, and no way to anonymously speak about the nightmare I was living through. Please, take care of yourselves and reach out to friends. You are not alone, and you have so many wonderful friends to lean.
This Is Me.
Well fuck
I am a shitty, shitty person
Hold on to your butts, if you reaaaaally decide to read this. It's basically me being a whiny pissbaby with no direction as to where I'm going.
I'm very blessed to have beautiful, talented friends. But I can't keep this to myself, because I also have a fucked up sense of catharsis and that means journaling publicly.
Basically, I'm spiraling in depression and self-esteem issues because my friends are succeeding so completely. My friends are doing a fantastic pin-up shoot that has already been funded to almost $1000. It will be an expensive shoot, no doubt. But the fact it reached it's initial goal in 3 hours has me both ecstatic and....disappointed. And that's what makes me a shitty person.
You see, the same photographer friend generously donated his time and talent to help me with a fun photoshoot of my own to help raise money for my hike. Not even for myself, but for a worthy charity that I'm hiking for. In two weeks I made $30. Some anon sent me a message and said I was too fat to hike.
And it struck me....I genuinely believe, whether this is the reality or not, is that I wasn't pretty or charismatic enough to garner support for my thing. And I shouldn't be surprised because it's been my experience my whole life. Fat, bald girls with weird smiles are not beautiful or sexy or pretty or stunning. We're cute. Or we have "beautiful souls". Which is great. Except I was never told that by anyone except my mom. Every boyfriend I've had has always stopped at "cute". In high school, my best friend described me, to a guy I really liked, as "a 4 at best". That really hurts. And now to see that people have backed it so completely with a monetary value...it's a false equivalence, these two situations, but all I'm feeling is that I'm "less than" than my insanely beautiful and perfect friend.
And this fucking movement, to not tell girls that they're beautiful, just inspires so much more self-loathing because that's all I've ever wanted. I know I'm fairly smart, and I know I'm kind, but to tell me both that I'm not worthy of feeling attractive while beating me down for wanting to be told that I am has me so fucked up. And I'm now a grown ass woman and things won't ever change. I spent all night crying and tearing my hair out about this and I feel like such a goob.
TL;DR I can't just be happy for a successful artistic campaign endeavor because my own mental issues are so self-centered. And I'm fairly certain my own campaign failed because I wasn't pretty or "it" enough.
I wish I wasn't me.
When you think you're looking good and realize the relapse is worse than expected in the back :/
What movies/TV episodes/songs/comics that you've encountered does a good job of representing depression. My personal favorite is "Once More with Feeling", but I'm curious to know what you think.
"Once More with Feeling", as you know, is my favorite representation of depression, even if it's presented through fantastical circumstances (let's be honest, not many of us encounter severe depression because we were brought back from the grave). I'm sure there's plenty of movies and television shows that deal with depression with the tact it deserves, and even more that don't deal with it adequately. I'd be interested in what other people think.
As for songs, "Stephanie Says" by the Velvet Underground (and also their collaboration with Nico, "These Days", but I blame that on Royal Tenenbaums), "Time Won't Let Me Go" by the Bravery, and "Not Going Anywhere" by Keren Ann are all songs that I identify with on some level with my illnesses. And, of course, "Going Through the Motions" from Once More with Feeling" :p
So it just struck me that if there's approximately 7 billion people in the world, and 2 out of 100 people suffer from Trichotillomania (not to mention other BFRDs), then that's 140 000 000 people that deal with a largely stigmatized and misunderstood illness.
That's roughly almost half the population of the United States. Imagine if half of the US pulled their hair out (or picked their skin for that matter).
It's so super cruddy to feel so alone when this is not that uncommon of an illness.
Every time I talk about it in public to people I've just met, I always, always hear stories about "oh, my cousin pulls his eyebrows out" or "there was this girl in my class who would eat her hair" or some variation thereof. Most people are too ashamed to say they do it, even though "(I was so mad/frustrated) I could pull my hair out" is a common turn of phrase in the English language.
That's....that's seriously screwed up, man. Especially considering that most people with TTM are teenagers when they first start pulling. Do you know what that's like to suddenly be surrounded by this idea that you're less-than worthy of being beautiful or important simply because you don't have the right kind of hair, or none at all. No wonder many people with TTM don't speak out or hide it, if they even know that they're suffering from a real illness and they aren't alone. It truly boggles the mind.
So 2k15, let's be a little bit more compassionate to one another. Sometimes mental illnesses are invisible, sometimes they aren't, and sometimes they are seen and yet felt so much deeper inside.
Depression, man. It really takes the piss out of you.
I used to be really funny and clever. I least I thought I was, which is better than seeing a good joke now and thinking “I could never come up with that” and then feeling like shit. I used to think about all the things in the world, good and bad, and just be so full of rage and empathy and joy and wonder and now I don’t feel much of anything.
Everything feels like a business transaction. “How are you, yes I’m fine how are you, thank you”. I’m meeting with a friend who I haven’t spent much time with in the past 8 years and during our trip to Orlando in October it was so awkward because we didn’t have the banter and laughter and friendship that we had before. Maybe we’ve grown apart, but I can’t help but think it’s me. I have no emotions except anxiety and fear, and when I do feel something else it’s a manic episode where I feel like I’m going to explode with some sort of negative energy.
My main wish has been the same for the past five years. I just want to feel like a functioning person again.
In other news, abilify continues to quell the manic episodes and help with the trichotillomania. I’m sorry I haven’t posted much or been very insightful - I’ve just had nothing to say.
I could have written most of this post myself, minus the manic parts.
Depression makes you feel like you are the problem but it’s evidently a damn illness. It really changes you, taking away all the joy you feel about literally anything around you, and making every task much more difficult, even impossible sometimes.
It’s a fucking monster that feeds on fear, self loathing and despair.
And the worst thing, for me at least, it’s that you can’t really explain it to someone who don’t know how it feels to be depressed, and that makes you feel even more “wrong” and alone, even when you’re talking with a good friend who really cares about you.
So Erin, if you’re reading this, I just want you to know that I understand and that I cheer for you, even if I’m an ocean away.
The trip you’re going to do will be a great thing for you.
Be strong.
Thank you so much for this. I need reminding constantly, and I have to step back all the time and remember, that I'm not alone. I wish you all the best with your own struggles with depression - you be strong, too, okay? And I can tell you already are.
What is my hair doing it’s like a hat. A hair hat. That’s a thing, right?
And why does my mobile camera look like the one from my phone I had in 2006? I probably shouldn't have gotten that crack through the forward-facing camera...
