trill of the valley

equal parts diary, photo album, and sanctuary. mid 20s, she/her, bi

[trillofthevalley]

guess i should do an intro post, too! ⋆.˚⟡ ࣪ ˖

i’m trill 🎱

mid 20s, bi, she/her, and i never had the chance or the nerve to have a tumblr purely for my journals, photography, and simple thoughts 💭 but i’m going to be brave and change that now.

i love journaling, reading, sewing, collecting murakami and copies of jane eyre, taking pictures of things i find pretty, and dabbling in oversharing lol

one of my favorite experiences on the internet is to stumble across a little cave of someone’s thoughts, day to day life, and experiences. and so i hope this blog can be that for someone else, too.

stick around if you’d like, my door is open 🚪

[trillofthevalley]

i felt the baby move in my sisters womb.

her first baby was shielded by a thick wall of an anterior placenta, but this new baby pressed right against my palm.

my palm stained with blackberry juice. i picked them in the cow field, two quarts of them to make into jam. the cows thought they’d like to lower their wide noses into my bucket of berries; they followed me like giant puppy dogs.

reaching over barbed wire, reaching through blackberry briars, my hands and arms are still scratched deep. but every berry i picked into my bucket made me think that this is a worthy analogy for recovery.

you’re handed an empty bucket and told to fill it. how in the world could i ever fill it? then berry by berry, they start to go in. you get scraped, but it starts to build up. first you can no longer see the bottom, then the weight begins to pull on your arm. you get stronger. it is filling up. and it is all for something. to feed yourself, to love yourself. to stay around to see another baby be born.

my world changed when i became an aunt. how much more will change when it happens again?

[trillofthevalley]

• made it to my parents

• my niece is, in fact, in the stage of toddler-hood where she has infinite energy and wants to defy everyone… but shit i love her so much i just let her lead me around we’re probably gonna get in trouble together

• i have DAYS worth of spanish notes to catch up on but i’m just gonna flop and scroll pinterest instead

• endo pain is still really high and getting myself behind the wheel to get here was such a mental battle. but i have my heating pad and ate a cookie for morale

[trillofthevalley]

the baddest bitches ain’t in LA. somebody’s gotta hold it down in rural oregon

[trillofthevalley]

we are ready to hit the road in the morning

(i have such a headache and cannot fathom being around a toddler tomorrow and i believe i am starting my period early which feels like a death sentence with endo)

[trillofthevalley]

i have created a monster. i now find it impossible to bake a batch of cookies without the final roll in sprinkles.

therapy was good today! we called it a “weatherproofing” session before i go see my parents. being a deconstructed atheist among diehard evangelicals is always a time, but at least i’m feeling prepared.

i’m going to watch Sleepless in Seattle then pack the rest of my things 💫

[trillofthevalley]

fuck it i’m just leaning in

[trillofthevalley]

cleaning the house in a heavy, shapeless dress

hair poofy, abdomen heavy

[trillofthevalley]

i dreamt last night that i was back in the desert of western nevada, visiting my grandmother. i was fighting with her neighbors over the mailbox, i always seem to be arguing in my nightmares. a lot of poking and pleading.

i was also staring at my phone screen in the dream, trying and failing to get a message through to my ex. he’s in my dreams a lot, my therapist says that it’s my subconscious processing things that i’m too closed off to when i’m awake. but this time it was like trying to solve a rubik’s cube just to get a line of text through to him.

once i woke up i crunched some numbers. we have been no contact (my decision) since june of 2022. four years and one month. i was struck by this, thinking that must be about as long as we knew each other. so i crunched more numbers and the exact length of time we knew each other? four years and one month.

maybe that little door my subconscious keeps open to process him is finally closing, now that the scales of time have balanced. thank fucking god.

[trillofthevalley]

trying to emotionally prepare for being back at my parents this coming week. it’ll only be for a couple days, but i left in sort of a hurry in june with the feeling that i wouldn’t come back again this summer.

it’s lush and green and beautiful and my cat is there and the creek is right by the house to swim in. but also my parents are getting further and further into their really weird prepper shit and now that my sister is living with them for the birth of my nephew it’s like… what’s my place here lol i don’t agree with 99% of what’s going on.

but i know i’d regret it if i didn’t spend at least a little time with them before the baby is here. so i’ll go for a couple days, run around with my toddler niece, practice some spanish with my dad, get nice and frustrated, then go on to my best friends house and make it all better.

and there’ll be lots of beautiful things to take photos of, so there’s that to look forward to.

[trillofthevalley]

i’ve had these three albums on repeat

Episode1: Love by So!YoON!

F.I.G by Naomi Scott

Live at the Greek Theatre in Los Angeles by MUNA

and the end of the day it’s always gonna be women and queer ppls music that speaks to me the most

[trillofthevalley]

the evening lineup.

i’m not feeling super attached to this era of my main journal, it’s why i haven’t shown it yet. for context i’ve been keeping a personal diary in a5 moleskine/leuchtturm hardcovers since 2015 and i’m on my seventeenth volume right now.

it’s not the quality, i still love leuchtturms and they handle all my experiments with fountain pens and gluing junk into them with ease. i just don’t love my sticker spread and i got super in my head about my fun inks and have just reverted to using a 0.5 muji gel pen.

there are good memories associated with the stickers; i got most of them from my friends and also on a girls trip in may that was lifechanging in so many ways. so i don’t really know what’s up. is it me or the journal or a combo of both? i finally reached page 100 today so there’s only 150 or so to go.

this is usually the time i let myself start daydreaming and looking around at what color i might like for my next one, so maybe that’ll lift my spirits.

(also i’m so obsessed with So!yoON! rn and this episode is so good)

[trillofthevalley]

wait will this actually become an actual studyblr omg??? i started studying spanish literally two days ago but decided to crack into this campus notebook my friend gave me to keep track of things, and seeing it written down i was struck with the same feeling that led me to start this blog in the first place.

i love learning, and i love evidence of the process of learning.

i have a spanish-english dictionary coming in the mail.

also a quick bujo shot, just for kicks.

[trillofthevalley]

on this day last year, sitting by the creek at my parents house thinking i may actually die bc my former employer was dissolving my position. i was going to give the new position a shot, but they could no longer accept my accommodation and so i left the company in october.

i wish i could go back and tell myself a year ago that it would be fine. that i’d be stressed about money, but not actually making that much less doing odd jobs and housesitting.

i wish i knew a year ago that leaving the company would mean having the time to see a doctor and push for a diagnosis after ten years of sickness and pain.

it would have made that day by the creek so much easier.

[xanaxfarts]

[trillofthevalley]

sometimes when i wake up in the summer and all i can see is the pampas grass outside my window and nothing on the other side i can pretend i still live on the coast.

i moved back inland four years ago and i still miss it all the time. the more moderate weather, access to the ice cold Pacific at all times, the feeling of being connected to everyone else touched by the same ocean.

in reality on the other side of this line of grass is a miniature apartment complex with neighbors who drive a really loud jeep cherokee and use strongly scented laundry detergent.

but a girl can dream, right?

[gregor-samsa-daily]

today's gregor samsa is: an ipad baby

[trillofthevalley]

me since the day i got my ipad