It's angst hours so today we're thinking about Shane quietly noticing all of the little passive aggressive comments, all the arguments he can't trace the origin of, all the painful tension of the last year in Montreal, who wants Ilya to hold him and tell him it'll be okay after they're outed instead of laughing at the video, who wants understanding about how conflicted he is about Ottawa's offer, but he pushes it all down and doesn't let himself think about it, because he loves Ilya so much, he does, and he remembers how hopeful things felt between Tampa and that first summer at the cottage, how amazing and perfect that first summer was, how much fun they had, how in love they were. He remembers how long distance to Boston that first year was so hard but so worth it, every reunion sweeter than the last, and the joy of being so close once Ilya was in Ottawa, how hopeful everything felt that they could make it real and have this. And he doesn't know when it changed for Ilya, but Shane still loves him SO much, but on the darker days when the think pieces and social media and reporter questions cut a little too sharp, are a little too hard to ignore, when Ilya makes an offhand joke about him to Barrett that Shane is a beat too slow to laugh along too, he wonders if Ilya wishes they had broken up after Boxing Day, so he wouldn't be stuck with him now.
Shane tries to play it off, making a lighthearted comment about how the point of the plan was to AVOID getting married for immigration reasons, and Ilya laughs and is so playfully offended that Shane drops it.
Sometime a little past halfway through the first regular season with the Centaurs Ilya finally looks up and realizes that Shane still hasn't really integrated with the team the way he'd imagined. He'd had a vision in his head, of all of them as one big happy family, and he pays attention the next time they all go out and he realizes Shane is still keeping to the outskirts, so he asks him if he's okay, if he needs anything, if someone said something or if something happened, and Shane just shrugs and says off the ice they're more Ilya's friends than his, but as long as no one is calling him a slur to his face he can make do.
Ilya lies awake that night and realized that he has failed as a husband and a captain and sets about rectifying it, but now that he's paying attention all he can hear are all the ways the locker room talks about Shane, and it's nothing really bad, but it's not exactly the awe-filled respect he expected or the brotherly affection he'd hoped for, and when he says as much to Hazy, Wyatt pauses for a moment before saying that the guys were only following his lead and Ilya's heart drops through his toes.
He's quiet on the way home because he needs to know if this is his fault but he has no idea how to ask, but when he finally, clumsily finds the words to ask Shane if the way he talks about him in the locker room bothers him, Shane just stares at him and says it's the way Ilya talks about him everywhere, he's used to it by now.
What do you mean, used to it by now?
And Shane is still looking at him like he starting speaking Mandarin, but he very calmly says that Ilya has talked to and about him this way for ages, and when Ilya asks when did it start Shane shrugs and says he doesn't know, probably a couple years ago, whenever me being boring started to annoy you more than you found it cute.
It's the matter of fact tone, the utter lack of anger or self deprecation or attempt at a joke, that shatters Ilya's heart. Shane thinks he's bored of him, thinks he thinks of him this way, and he's saying it so casually he might as well be commenting on the weather.
Ilya starts to question him, ask why the hell Shane thought he married him if he found him so boring, so annoying, but then he remembers the comment about the immigration marriage and realizes Shane hadn't been joking, and now he's all but on his knees begging the love of his life to tell him how badly he's hurt him so he can stop, and Shane is so genuinely baffled that Ilya wants to go back in time and scream at his younger self until he listens.
They talk, finally.
They go to couples counseling too, and it helps more than either of them expected it to. The love was always there. Their counselor tells them early on that the fact that both of them want so badly to be there, to make things work, to support each other, is already a very strong foundation, they just need some help. They hold hands the entire first session.
Ilya finally explains that he'd been so hell bent on hiding his depression because he didn't want to be a burden when he already felt like he was making Shane's life harder.
Shane talks about how much it hurt when Ilya sprang things on him then got mad when he needed time to process instead of immediately being on board.
Ilya admits he can get blinders sometimes, latching onto things like coming out or playing together as panacaea solutions to complicated problems that don't have easy answers.
Shane very casually mentions all the extra bigotry he puts up with, and they both realize he'd been assuming Ilya knew how much extra shit he's been dealing with since Timbits. Shane admits it felt like Ilya hadn't been as supportive as he could have about Shane's fears. He doesn't say I told you so, but it is the first time Ilya lets himself acknowledge that he had the right.
They talk. They say things they don't think need saying. They don't hide things that shouldn't be hidden.
It's so hard, but it's worth it to see Shane slowly truly relax around the team as the way they talk to and about him shifts with their captain. It's worth it when Ilya comes to him and says he thinks maybe he's having a bad day instead of getting snappy.
The love is there. They make it work.
