i’ve always been quite an anxious person from school through to work, mainly about stuff that never really mattered, stuff that should matter could usually be brushed off pretty easily. social situations, always a problem. I’ve always been so worried about saying something that someone would find weird or would be offended by, i tend to come across as either shy or ignorant when i stand being very quiet, believe me i have things to say, i have good answers to your questions, i have some brilliant input, but unless i can understand that i have nothing to be worried about, then you won’t hear it and i’ll probably come across as a dick. even with my closest friends i can be like this, not all the time by any means, but on a bad day, or a bad hour it happens and i always feel like crap for doing so after, which in turn makes me more anxious that i have pushed my friends away in some way. i know they’re always there for me, they have proved that this year, even after i was a dick with keeping in touch over that past couple of years. I stopped my favorite hobby, something that i was good at, and meant so much to me, but i had built up a pressure on myself, because of what i started to believe that other people expected of me, it removed the fun completely, i wan’t enjoying my favorite sport, the thing i spent so much of my life doing, i had to stop because it wasn’t enjoyable anymore.
I’ve had mood swings for as long as i can remember, only little ones, i’ve always managed them and people (aswell as myself) have just assumed that i can be a little moody every now and then, but in the few years the mood swings have gotten worse, and it’s only because they’ve gotten worse that i realized that i needed to do something about it. usually only tiny things will set me off (like i say, an actual problem i will deal with and brush off) happy as Larry one minute (who is Larry?) then i see a tea-towel in the wrong place, and *click* that’s it, like a switch, i try to hide away inside myself, my smile disappears, i appear cold, fidgety sometimes, maybe fixated on something, angry other times, not aggressive, not abusive, that has never been me, i work in health care, hurting anybody or harming anything is something i could never do, you can just see that i’m pissed off for some reason. or seemingly depressed, now i’m definitely not depressed, i’m a happy person, i’m pretty much known for smiling at work, and having a good laugh with colleagues or patients, the same goes for home life, i’m very happy in myself.
about 14 months ago, by chance at work i was talking with a colleague about a friend of hers who had recently been to the doctor and been diagnosed with anxiety, and since treatment began a massive improvement had been noticed. now the symptoms described by my friend sounded all too familiar, she was basically describing my life for the last year or so, i had never talked to anybody about it before, (maybe if i had i wouldn’t of been left by my girlfriend of 5 years, but i’m past that, turns out it was a good thing for me, i’m enjoying life much more now)
around 6 months after the talk with my colleague my mood swings got worse again and i started to have panic attacks, brought on by meaningless things, will i run out of petrol?? will i have time to do the washing?? meaningless things. it was at this point i opened up to my now ex-girlfriend. now, she helped me greatly, however she was slightly put out that i had never said anything before, and an element of her trust in me and how much she believed i trusted her was lost that day, which is what i believe caused the split, things weren’t quite right already due to other life events, but we were coping in that respect. but this was the true beginning of the end. we started “a break” a month later, then she left me a month after that.
at the point she left me i had already visited my GP about my anxiety, mood swings, and panic attacks and i was started on anti-anxiety medication, and advised to see a Councillor. within a week, i realized a huge improvement in my anxiety, i was more sociable, more confident, and even with what was going on with the ex i was actually happy with other parts of my life instead of being bogged down by pointless worrying.
7 months later and i am happier with my life at this moment than i can recall for a long while, years, maybe 8 years. even though life is still not fully on track, it is all starting to come together properly i think, i am getting my self out there more and doing things, enjoying myself. i mean is anyone’s life ever really fully on track anyway? i’m currently happy and that is all that matters. But even though, sometimes i just need to be alone, music and my car are usually my greatest escape, driving to nowhere with some good music allows me to empty my mind completely.
i have written this to keep as a document for myself at this point in my life. but i feel i should also share it, i have not told anybody this whole story, some people know parts, i have told parts to the people i wanted to know, but now this is here for anybody who wants to read it.
a big thank you to Sam, Alison, John, Matt, Louisa, Donna and Leanne, whether it be at work, up a mountain, in a pub, in the garden these are my real councilors
