I've just gotten out of an abusive relationship and now I'm trying to find myself. For the past 4 years I was just an extension of him, and now I want to embrace who I am as a person but I don't know how. Do you have any tips?
First off - congratulations!!! What a huge, difficult, exhausting first step you’ve made! You deserve kittens and rainbows and flowers.
(yes, I did just spend 20 minutes crafting that masterpiece in honor of you.)
First step: if possible, cut off all contact with your abuser.
Re-establish a sense of safety - move in with someone you trust, get a new phone number, get an order of protection, request that your abuser not be allowed in your workplace/school, alert trusted friends and family members not to give out your new contact information.
Ignore the well-meaning but wrong advice from people who don’t know better to stay in contact or stay with the abuser.
Remind yourself that you deserve the best.
Practice putting yourself first. Take up space in public places, make other people get out of your way. Expect and request the best from services that you’re paying for (politely).
Go out by yourself or with supportive friends/family to buy a few nice new things for yourself. Either get something you’ve been hankering for, or if that feels too overwhelming, go out and get something that feels good to you.
Treat yourself to things that feel good to your body - massages, baths, exercise classes, doctors appointments, acupuncture, therapy, dance classes, etc.
You’ve gotten so far - it’s good to ask for help.
Reach out to friends and family that you trust. Make standing dates with them - walk in the park every Saturday morning, dinner and Game of Thrones every Sunday night, etc.
Find a therapist. Really. They’re awesome.
Go on a trip if you have the funds. Go somewhere you’ve always wanted to go, or just open an atlas and point.
Take a break from work or school if you can, even if it’s just a couple days, and let yourself do things that feel nourishing to you.
Only after you feel like you’ve had a good break from real life, try to get back into a regular schedule.
Take classes. Try: yoga, kick boxing, calligraphy, singing, dance, horseback riding, painting, sculpture, jewelry making, carpentry, botany, cooking, reiki, herbalism, etc.
Journal every day, even if it’s just a short thought or a recounting of the day. “Went to work today, had salmon for lunch.”
Some people find great solace in connecting with spirituality or religion. Look for a church, mosque, synagogue, coven, meeting, or other spiritual center near you.
There are so many things for you to do, and people near you will be able to help you the best. Find someone you know and love who knows and loves you to help you make a plan and a calendar. You deserve the world, and you will get it.
Remember, you will feel better eventually, even if it doesn’t feel like it now.
National Domestic Violence HotlineWomen’s Divorce Recovering from AbuseRecovering from a Verbally Abusive relationship
Sending you love and light <3
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