John Jacob Jingleheimer Scmidt

It is my sad duty to report to the American People that the Moose is, in fact, on the loose

[beardedmrbean]

Nothing like a trip to the uncanny valley to boost your mood

[thefloatingstone]

[smalllfieldmouse]

my ex used to get pissed off every time i showed them this video they would be like "that's not how a train works" really angrily and storm out of the room

[smalllfieldmouse]

everyones gotta stop reblogging this bro they're gonna find it and get so mad they try to strangle me again

[hypotheticalpeople]

guy who plays albums on mute, it was never really about sound for him as much as feeling a sense of progression through a series of named durations

[headspace-hotel]

[andhumanslovedstories]

Buffy the Vampire Slayer season two finale would be so astonishingly powerful if David Boreanaz could. act. I’m sorry I’m sorry but guys. It’s still astonishingly powerful but Sarah Michelle Gellar is holding up the sky entirely on her own.

[andhumanslovedstories]

girl experiencing the hardest thing she's ever had to do

guy who didn't know the flash was on

[lo-andbehold]

A second orb has hit the tower

[regal-bones]

Holy ground

[regal-bones]

guys I went back to recreate this and. It’s gone.

Pour one out for butt dyke house

[pangur-and-grim]

someone accused me of feigning a sexual attraction to spiders for clout. there's easier ways to get clout, man.....

[pangur-and-grim]

[bedknees]

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

bringing a sort of "slavery is still alive and well in US prisons" vibe to the office Juneteenth post that my higher ups don't really like

[hunter-gratzner]

From what I understand slavery was never actually abolished in the us. It is still legal and all.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

the amendment that "ended" slavery specifically left permission for slave labor as punishment for convinced criminals and our inmates have been legally exploited ever since, yes

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

not a bummer, say it louder

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

bringing a sort of "slavery is still alive and well in US prisons" vibe to the office Juneteenth post that my higher ups don't really like

[hunter-gratzner]

From what I understand slavery was never actually abolished in the us. It is still legal and all.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

the amendment that "ended" slavery specifically left permission for slave labor as punishment for convinced criminals and our inmates have been legally exploited ever since, yes

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

not a bummer, say it louder

[teaboot]

I'm pretty sure the cause of Ollie's first ever and ONLY vet meltdown was cause the vet dude kinda just burst in and immediately walked up to grab his face and stick his fingers in his mouth without so much as a how-do-you-do so on the tech's post-checkup email I asked if they could make a note on his file that he needs to be approached SLOWLY to avoid violence 😭 God I sound insane but like he usually LOVES the vet, he's only ever been calm and affectionate there but this time he was furious and kept trying to take chunks out of hands, how do I politely and calmly communicate "yes he IS just a cat but he's also a perfectly reasonable animal who I love very dearly and if you walk right up and grab him like that again without giving him time to adjust then *I* am going to bite you" and how did I *become* the neurotic crazy pet owner at the clinic

[teaboot]

The emotional venn diagram of "Neurodivergent human struggling with respect and communication who has trauma about being grabbed by strange large men" and "ordinary animal that does not receive respect because people don't see animals as feeling, conscious beings who deserve respect and are capable of communication" became a circle at the vet's office for what I suspect is niether the first or last time

[nobeatnomelody]

You're stranded on a deserted island with the person on your lockscreen. How screwed are you?

[ceruleanheaven]

i love being prevd its like getting a good grade in thoughts

[ganymedeshouse]

Wiggle free

[silvermoon424]

This tweet read me to filth

[tastytoecheese]

First thing you see after you zoom in is how you die

How you dying 👀

[kabber]