TWEET ME BACK, NBA

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[tweetmebacknba]

Tweet Me Back, Jeremy Lin

So Slewis came out to visit last week, and we had a killer time. Just like hanging out in parks, eating food, watching Hart of Dixie, shit like that.  

We also paid a visit to Oracle Arena, to watch my local medium-mighty Warriors take on the about-the-same-level-of-mightiness Rockets.  They lost, which sucked. But it was ok for a few reasons.

Here are the reasons:

1.  Either the Rockets or Warriors losing was good for my pathetic Lakers' chances at getting swept in the first round of the playoffs.

2. I got to wear my hat. I love my hat.

3. Also I was not really paying attention because I was tweeting 100% of the time the game was happening, trying to get on the jumbotron.

4. I SUCCEEDED I GOT ON THE JUMBOTRON.

Before I get to the tweets, let me just tell you that the majority of jumbotron tweets are lame.  Some of them are JUST HASHTAGS. Like "#letsgowarriors" just that. No offense the person who tweeted just that.

Let me also tell you that Slewis is a vicious tweet editor, and was making me CRAZY NERVOUS, staring over my shoulder and shit and not letting me tweet anything ass-kissey like "Wow what a great dunk by #HarrisonBarnes! I love those jerseys with sleeves on them! <3<3 #warriors"

So I struggled, and failed.  My brilliant tweets were being totally ignored.  

Daaaaaavvvviiiiidddd Leeeeeeeeeeeee #dubnation #warriors #worththemoney

— slisl (@slisl) March 9, 2013

C'mon dude sitting next to me. Be more supportive! #dubnation #warriors #carllandryisnottheworst

— slisl (@slisl) March 9, 2013

No idea why those didn't get on the jumbotron.  I was being such a good and dedicated fan.  

AND THEN I SAW THIS, or the tail end of it scrolling across the screen.

Shout out to the warriors junior dance squad. Good hustle. Lotta moxie #dubnation #warriors #warriorsground

— slisl (@slisl) March 9, 2013

I tried to get a picture but I was too busy jumping up an down to work my camera phone.  So I had to try again. (Side note: The Warriors Junior Dance Squad is seriously awesome).

I was running out of inspiration though.  Until some dude in a button down and suit pants who probably already has lots of dollars won another $2000 by shooting a three pointer.  He really celebrated. Like, a lot. I noticed this.  Then jumbotron-tweet-selector-person noticed me noticing.  And I got on the scoreboard again!!!

That well dressed gentleman sure was excited to win $2000 #dubnation #warriors #warriorsground

— slisl (@slisl) March 9, 2013

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!  This time i was all prepared with my camera and shit, but the photo totally did not come out.  

I had to ask around to see if anyone else got a pic.

@jlin7 hey did you get a picture of my tweet on the oracle jumbotron? Mine didn't come out :( twitter.com/slisl/status/3…

— slisl (@slisl) March 9, 2013

Still no word, I guess I will have to try Harden.

[tweetmebacknba]

Tweet Me Back, Roy Hibbert

Sup y'all. Today we are tweeting Roy Hibbert. Tomorrow? Nobody knows. I could dissolve back into internet space never to be seen again. Or, like, I could post every day like a good blogger. 

Who really knows anymore.

Point is: LOOK AT THIS PUPPY THAT ROY HIBBERT IS GETTING.

Thinking of puppy names for this one. He'll be here soon! twitter.com/Hoya2aPacer/st…

February 28, 2013

Plus, he wants us to help him name the puppy, which is the cutest puppy, and this is a lot of responsibility guys.  Let's take it seriously.  

Here are some things I know about Roy Hibbert off the top of my head:

1) He's tall

2) He's the titular player on my fantasy team, "Hibbert and Ernie." (Titular player, is that a thing?)

3) He was on Parks and Rec. Apparently, according to this link that recurring-character-on-this-blog Slewis just sent me, he "lobbied hard" for that role.

4) Seriously guys, real tall.

So, naming options (based on the 4 things I know about Roy Hibbert off the top of my head):

1) Tall Dog (may not be accurate; that dog looks pretty short, cause, like, it's a puppy and all)

2) Ernie (since he has yet to join my fantasy league, I'm not sure he'd get it)

3) Jean-Ralphio (his favorite character!) or Lil' Sebastian (my favorite character!)

4) Seriously Real Tall Dog (might not fit on one of those little doggy collar name tags that you put on cute doggies)

So obv, we are going with option 3.

@hoya2apacer 1) how is that dog so cute 2) he looks like a "jean-ralphio" or "lil' sebastian" 3) SO CUTE 4) seriously omg so cute

February 28, 2013

YOU GUYS, IT IS JUST SO CUTE.

[tweetmebacknba]

Hasheem Thabeet? He tweets in all caps.

Oh man! My first online internet request from an Anonymous! So exciting! Hasheem Thabeet indeed DOES tweet in all caps. He is also from Tanzania, which is where I did my study abroad.  So there are at least two countries where we have both existed in.  Wow! A lot of commonalities you know? (Not really).

Anyway according to his Twitter, it is Tanzanian Independence Day, which is excellent because Independence days are perhaps the best of all holidays.  I would love to wish him a happy  Tanzanian Independence Day in Kiswahili, because it is obnoxious to say things in other languages as if you speak them when you actually don't. Problem is, I was always horrible at Kiswahili and after like eight years of never speaking it I can pretty much say three things:

How is your morning? (Habari za asubuhi)

How is your afternoon? (Habari za mchana)

How is your evening? (Habari za jioni)

So I guess this will be the best I can do:

@hasheemthedream HABARI ZA TANZANIAN INDEPENDENCE DAY?!!?!?!?!!!

December 9, 2012

In all caps, of course!

[tweetmebacknba]

Tweet Me Back, Robin Lopez

Hey y'all!  

Oh man, remember like a month and a half ago when I SWORE that I wasn't going to abandon Tweet Me Back, NBA anymore and then I did pretty ok for a week or so and then guess what happened? Correct. I am a HUUUGE abandoner and I abandoned TMBNBA.

I'm sorry. A of all, there is no excuse for blog-abandonment. B of all, here are my excuses.  

Excuse # 1: All of my sports-writing energy has become completely wrapped up in writing weekly Bad Quarterback League updates.

Excuse # 2: I've been kind of fair weather fan-ing my Lakers because all the dramz and the losing is hurting my heart, and also NFL is happening, so I've been kinda NBA disengaged.

Excuse #3: I've lazy. There. I said it. I'm a fucking lazybones lazyhead. Sadface.

But, BUT. Best Basketbal Friend Biff (BBFB) requested "tweet me back Lopez Brothers" (only Robin has a Twitter, BBFB! You better get on that, Brook!) So tweet me back Lopez Bros it is.  

What am I tweeting Robin Lopez about? I'm tweeting him about baby newts! WHY? Because I found one in my front yard! Here is a picture:

Look how fucking cute that is! Can you see it? It's in the center being real cute. And it has a friend! And also it is so small! Smaller than that key!  I tried look up what kind of newt (well, actually, I guess it's probably a salamander) it is and I think I've narrowed it down to juvenile Arboreal Salamander or juvenile Santa Cruz Black Salamander.

Now, there is no reason to believe that Robin Lopez is an expert amphibian-ologist and will help me identify this newt/salamander/newt-amander.  But there's also no reason not to. So.

@eegabeeva88 Do you know what kind of baby newt this is? Besides the adorable kind? twitter.com/slisl/status/2…

— slisl (@slisl) November 29, 2012

Now let's take a moment to appreciate that Robin Lopez's Twitter handle is "eegabeeva88." And then take a moment to thank BBFB for giving me the courage to Tweet Me Back, NBA again. Heart hearts all around! <3<3.

[tweetmebacknba]

Tweet Me Back, Kevin Love!

Really sad news y'all.  Kevin Love broke his handy in practice today and is going to be out 4-8 weeks, so he'll probably miss the beginning of the season.  Injuries are always sad (let's all take this moment to shed a tear for Ray Lewis), even when they happen to someone you super hate, but they are especially sad when they happen to national treasures.

So Slewis and I made K-Love a get well soon card. I hope he likes it!

@kevinlove Get well soon, K Love! <3<3 from me and @cjameslewis twitter.com/slisl/status/2…

— slisl (@slisl) October 17, 2012

I tweeted fellow former Bruin Russell Westbrook too, just to be doubly sure K Love gets it!

[tweetmebacknba]

Tweet Me Back, David Lee!

So I know two posts in the one day (nay, one HOUR) is a little out of character, but I cannot not share this with you.

Via David Lee's (#worththemoney) instagram:

@dlee042 lit'rally the greatest thing I've ever seen.

— slisl (@slisl) October 13, 2012

Those dudes better watch their specs; I broke my glasses dancing Gangnam Style three weeks ago.

[tweetmebacknba]

Tweet Me Back, Paul George

Let's talk about the photo above, which Paul George just posted to instagram, captioned "Year 3!"

So I realize that in this photo Paul George is probably viciously dunking on Nikola Pekovic, while Roy Hibbert, looks on in disbelief and Andrei Kirilenko observes, bemused.

But I can't help but think it really looks like something else:

Paul Hibbert violently decapitating Nikola Pekovic (perhaps in revenge for doing something awful? But would Nikola Pekovic ever do something really awful?), while Nikola Pekovic is all "I don't deserve this!" and Roy Hibbert is all "the fuck?" 

Allow me to illustrate to make things a bit clearer:

@king24george my interpretation: twitter.com/slisl/status/2…

— slisl (@slisl) October 13, 2012

That's totally what it looks like, right?

[tweetmebacknba]

Tweet Me Back, Jared Dudley

So I have beef with with the NFL's new uniforms. I know there have been a lot of complaints from players themselves that the new uniforms make them look like they've eaten babies, but that is not what I'm beefing about.  I'm beefing because Nike, despite its tremendous amount of technology/resources/types of fabric, has yet to solve the most serious NFL uniform problem of our time: visible ass-sweat.

Not every team has this problem. The Saints' black pants are relatively immune, as are most teams with dark-colored bottoms.  The Dallas Cowboys have some major issues in their silver pants (it's not necessary to google image search "Dallas Cowboys Butts/Dallas Cowboys Sweaty Butts"; I have done this and the results are uninformative, to say the least), but the worst, THE WORST, is the white pants.   

Here is a picture I took of the Chargers' offensive line on my television set Sunday Night.

As I have pointed out with my super-helpful pink drawings, the side panels of the pants go totally transparent upon contact with ass-sweat, leaving behind a loinclothy-diaper thing to protect the modesty of the o-line's bumcracks.  (The picture does not do justice to the horrors committed upon the NFL player's beautiful bums, but look for it next time the game is on.)

Ok first of all, good on you Nike for double reinforcing the bumcrack region so that NFL games remain SFW so long as your boss doesn't mind you watching football while you're supposed to be working.  But, BUT, double bad on you for knowing that the white fabric goes all see-through and not just double reinforcing the whole fucking pants!  

Does double reinforcing the whole pants make them too hot? Too inflexible? This has got to be a solvable problem!

I wanted to consult an NBA player on the matter, given that they presumably have some experience/expertise in uniforms (albeit by Adidas) and sweat.  I was pleased to see that Jared Dudley was tweeting pro-Chargers and thought I'd appeal to his fan's instincts sure that he would be just as horrified as I was by the diaperization of his fav team's butts.

@jareddudley619 But can you explain why #chargernation pants look like diapers once they start sweating?

— slisl (@slisl) October 8, 2012

That was last Sunday. I have yet to hear back. Seriously y'all, in the name of all that decent in this world, and for the sake of our poor perspiring NFL players, please spread the word.

[tweetmebacknba]

Tweet Me Back, Boogie Cousins!

I'm back! I'm back back back back back!  Hopefully this will be my last long absence. My summer of travel/workdeath is finally over, and someone actually asked me in PERSON (Shout out to Alex!) when the blog was coming back, bringing reader-count up to at least 4.

At least a month ago my BBFB (Best Basketball Friend Biff) requested I tweet Boogie Cousins (some of y'all may know him as "DeMarcus").

The problem is, Boogie hasn't really tweeted anything of note recently. Mostly shit about the season starting, and how one night he couldn't sleep.  Not to say that he shouldn't let everyone know how blessed he feels to be an NBA player, because that's awesome for him. It's just like what the fuck am I supposed to say to that. "Yeah that's awesome! Congrats! Seems like you have an ok head on your shoulders."

Thankfully, a month ago when BBFB first requested Boogie, he did tweet (well, really retweet) something that I believe is still relevant today.  Something I actually cannot stop thinking about.

RT @aundra_twinboy A ghost could be humping you right now and you would never know....>>😂

— demarcus cousins(@boogiecousins) September 5, 2012

@boogiecousins A month later & I am still haunted by your retweet.Ghosts could be doing all sorts of foul shit to me right now! #ghosthump

— slisl (@slisl) October 3, 2012

Seriously guys, #ghosthump.

[tweetmebacknba]

Tweet Me Back, DeShawn Stevenson

Guys. GUYS. DeShawn Stevenson personally asked for MY advice on a question of utmost importance: what is the best slogan for his new nightclub "Off-Limits?"  

First of all let me say that, in the previous sentence, when I said DeShawn Stevenson asked for MY advice I really mean that he asked for "everyone on Twitter's" advice, but probably because he doesn't know my twitter handle, YET.  Second of all, I am the BEST at slogans. Check it out. Here is a slogan for DeShawn Stevenson the person.

"I have an ATM in my kitchen and an Abraham Lincoln neck tattoo: DeShawn Stevenson"

And here is one for me, the person.

"Scientist, bloggist, consumer of sandwiches: Slisl"

Anyway, the nightclub.  DeShawn Stevenson has some slogans in mind:

So I decided to take it above and beyond and think of an even better slogan than any of those four admittedly pretty good slogans.  Except then I tried to think too hard about a witty thing to say, and my brain collapsed in on itself and I couldn't think of anything to say! Also the word "limit" started to look super weird to me.

So I googled "limit phrases" and came up with...

"The sky's the limit, Off-Limits Nightclub" (Blah)

"Over the limit, Off-Limits Nightclub" (Too drunk-drivey NEVER DO THAT SHIT Y'ALL)

"Limit(fun) as DeShawn Stevenson's club approaches existence = THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST. INFINITE FUN EVEN BEFORE THE CLUB EXISTS. FUN FUN FUN DESHAWN STEVENSON FUN #maths, Off-Limits Nightclub" (Wordy)

"Limitless, Off-Limits Nightclub" (Already a movie starring Bradley Cooper)

And that's when I realized I was thinking too much in the box! Why does the word limit even have to be in the name? As I mentioned previously, it's a fucking weird looking word anyway.

@dsteve92jmarie How about just "only cool people come here, off-limits nightclub"???

— slisl (@slisl) August 29, 2012

Dear future patrons of Off-Limits Nightclub by DeShawn Stevenson, YOU'RE WELCOME.

[tweetmebacknba]

Tweet Me Back, Deron Williams

Deron Williams got to hang out with The President Clinton. See? SEEEE?????

I wanna hang out with President Clinton! How come you didn't invite me, Deron? How come???

@deronwilliams What? WHUTTT????? So JEAL!! Next time can I come? Also can you ask him where he got that sweater? It would look great on me.

— slisl (@slisl) August 27, 2012

Also it was a little misleading that you said you were chilling with "the Prez," cause I totally thought you meant Obamz. 

[tweetmebacknba]

Tweet Me Back, Andre Iguodala

Andre Iguodala got a new backpack today, guys! Want to see what Andre Iguodala's new backpack looks like? Of course you do.

Backpack came in... Getting ready for school.... instagr.am/p/OpV7T2lQAb/

— Andre Iguodala (@mindofAI9) August 22, 2012

You guys, I don't want to be mean or anything, but I think Andre Iguodala might be a little out of touch with what school is about, because that is the worst backpack for school. Like, ever.  There is no separate compartment for small items, and also it is white, and school is so dirty.  I think I should probably let him know. Because I don't think he knows.

@mindofai9 Dunno how much u know bout backpacks but u will lose all ur pencils/chapsticks at the bottom of that + what if ur lunchbox spills

— slisl (@slisl) August 23, 2012

The last thing you want is a burst Capri Sun staining your Givenchy.

[tweetmebacknba]

Tweet Me Back, Amar'e Stoudemire

AAAAHHHH!!! I'm back again, this time from Oregon, where there is no internet. At all. In the entire state. Just kidding; it would be insane if you believed me when I said that. But seriously, where I was there was no internet. And so many internet things happened! Robert Pattinson had a super awk interview! Some asshole said some dickish shit about rape. WTF asshole? You suck. Nicki Minaj might be on American Idol?? Plus I have so much catching up to do on Kobe Bryant's Facebook Page (the world's best facebook page).  Most importantly:

Hot Cheetos and Takis!

This is the best song. I have already listened to it 20 times today, and I will listen to it some more.  It combines three of my favorite things: children, raps, and snack foods! I cannot get enough, much like those adorable children cannot stop eating hot cheetos and takis!

The next NBA player to appear on my feed will get sent some choice lyrics personally selected by me. But who will it be???

Congratulations Amar'e Stoudemire, it's you!

@amareisreal I say yes to takis, and you say no to cheetos/I can have 'em then, and you can stick to fritos #hotcheetosandtakis #snacksnack

— slisl (@slisl) August 21, 2012

BTW, those lyrics are credited to Frizzy Free. YNRichKids 4evah!

[tweetmebacknba]

Tweet Me Back, Dwight Howard

Did you guys know that today is a great day???  I had cheese-melted-on-bread for breakfast! (This is a great breakfast. Actually, a great any meal).  I ditched the first half of work to eat said breakfast with a visiting college friend! I have two happy hours to attend (one has ice cream!) and my housewarming/birthday/roommate welcome party is tonight! Oh yeah, also Dwight Howard is a Laker now!

@dwighthoward Sup, Dwight.

— slisl (@slisl) August 10, 2012

SERIOUS BASKETBALL NOTE: I'm not even a little bit in the "everything is fixed now, let's not even bother playing the season, Lakers win forever the end," camp.  I still think it's entirely possible/probable that Kobe goes 3 for 23 every game and shoots us out of a championship. That said, I'm the most pessimistic sports fan I know. 

Anyway, here's what JaVale McGee thinks:

RT @javalemcgee34 PIERRE IS QUESTIONING THE NEW ERA OF SUPER TEAMS AND NOT CARING ABOUT SALARY CAPS!

— JaVale McGee (@JaValeMcGee34) August 10, 2012

In case you are wondering what is going on here, JaVale McGee spent the morning retweeting himself tweeting in the third person as his alter-ego Pierre McGee. Got that?

RT @javalemcgee34 PIERRE FEEL LIKE THE NUGS ARE SUPER STRAIGHT THIS YR! 😜🏀

— JaVale McGee (@JaValeMcGee34) August 10, 2012

GOOD FOR PIERRE.

Dwight Howard: @DwightHoward

[tweetmebacknba]

Tweet Me Back, Nic Batum

If you haven't heard, Nic Batum nut-punched Juan Carlos Navarro today.  Here is Nic Batum on whacking Juan Carlos Navarro in his delicates:

"I wanted to give him a good reason to flop"

@nicolas88batum Interesting flop-policing strategy. I'm unsure about its efficacy, but look forward to an exciting NBA season if it works.

— slisl (@slisl) August 8, 2012

Nic Batum: @nicolas88batum

[tweetmebacknba]

Tweet me back, Steve Nash

Dear person who broke my car window:

What the fuck, dude? Why the fuck would you break my car window and not even steal something? Don't you want anything that is in my car? You just broke my car window for no fucking reason, just to be mean? Did you know it was my birthday???

Here are the things that are currently still in my car that you decided not to steal, and an explanation of their obvious value:

1. Kirkland Signature brand generic Zyrtec - alleviates allergy symptoms

2. Homemade beer coozy - keeps beer cold

3. Earrings - make ears look nice

4. Speaker - plays music

5. LFO CD - are you fucking kidding me? Summertime Girls is a CLASSIC SONG. How do you not want this CD?

6. Early Middle Ages History lecture series CDs - educates on the subject of Early Middle Ages

7. High Middle Ages History lecture series CDs - as above, but for High Middle Ages

8. Kleenex - keeps nose clean

At least I have a pretty good idea of who smashed my car window, based on what he or she did not steal. But who can help me solve this mystery? Bourne Laker, perhaps!

Yes, Steve Nash is parodying movie trailers this summer. Amazing.

@stevenash Looking for a person who has no allergies, ugly ears, warm beer; hates music/history, breaks car windows. Can Bourne Laker help?

— slisl (@slisl) August 3, 2012

I forgot to add that they definitely do not have a runny nose.

Steve Nash: @stevenash

[tweetmebacknba]

Tweet me back, Dirk Nowitzki

This morning I was worried that Dirk Nowitzki had gone insane:

Stark brittaaaa.

— Dirk Nowitzki (@swish41) July 30, 2012

Whaaat? What does that mean? Is your Brita filter stark naked? Did you steal Tony Stark's Brita filter? Do you realize you're spelling Brita wrong?  I was determined to get to the bottom of this. So I googled "Stark brittaaaa." 

There, I found this message board thread which included the post below:

There were a lot of clues here.  

1) This person may have understood Dirk's cryptic message, or at least found it as notably cryptic as I did, hence the reposting.

2) This person speaks German.

3) This person is both a Knicks, and a Chandler and Ross fan.

I decided to roll with clue number two and google translate the shit out of the message board. This is what I found:

"Should give way, even basketball, watch the fencing ... :)"

This is only slightly less cryptic than when it was in German. Also, I learned that Stark means "strong" in German, which does not rule out the possibility that Dirk Nowitzki was speaking English and referring to Tony Stark.  Thank the heavens above, my brilliant friend Slewis was available for a little chat.

me: that does stark brittaaaa mean? 

Slewis: I have no idea what you are asking

me: it was on dirk nowitzkis twitter

Slewis: is she a german olympian?

Bingo. I googled "fencing brittaaaa" (you never know, German names could for real have that many A's at the end of them). Google responded, "Did you mean: fencing brighton."  No, Google, that is not what I fucking meant.

I tried "fencing brittaaa," which led me to the totally unhelpful Tumblr of one "breeaaanda." Not sure if the overuse of A's is connected. May have to come back to this one.

"fencing brittaa" brought up this weird short story about Britta A. Hawthorne and an ad for Britta. A doberman pinscher puppy.

One more shot.

"fencing britta" YES!!! "An interview with German fencing champion Britta Heidemann." Yes! I have figured it out! Dirk Nowitzki was cheering on his fellow countrywoman Britta Heidemann in the Olympic fencing competition by calling her strong in German! Yes!

@swish41 Don't get too comfortable. I have figured out your little German "code."

— slisl (@slisl) July 30, 2012

Dirk later apologized for the confusion.

Sorry to all my English speakin followers. Gotta support Germany in Olympics in my native tongue.

— Dirk Nowitzki (@swish41) July 30, 2012

No worries Dirk, you can now refer to me as Slisl: scientist, NBA player tweeter, German language detective.

Dirk Nowitzki: @swish41.