୨୧ synopsis: lara is usually good at communication. you’d only been dating a few months, so when she’s oddly silent one day, it worries you, thinking you’d done something to upset her.
pairing: lara raj x f!reader
tags/warnings: established relationship, fluff, kisses, misunderstanding, cuddling, slight angst (?), healing of past trauma/relationship. unedited !
a/n: hello everyone! i know i haven’t been active much these past few weeks :( i hit a bit of a writers block, sadly. but i was really in the mood for some soft & innocent love, and i missed writing for our sweet girl lara <3 so this is the results.
songs: i love you - fontaines d.c. ✷ made to fall in love - daniel caesar ✷ mia & sebastion’s theme - justin hurwitz
the feint lights of your apartment glows in a warm, yellow-ish color, creating an ambient and relaxing atmosphere. your shoulders immediately relax once you walk in, the door closing behind you. there’s a lingering smell of lara’s perfume in the air, intoxicating and haze inducing. it alerts you that she was somewhere within your home, probably asleep in your bed or lounged on the couch, her favorite show playing on the tv.
you shrug the bag off your shoulder, placing it on the little side table thats in the hallway of the front door. the sound of keys clanging echo around when you place it in the ceramic bowl your friend had gifted you a year ago at your house warming.
it’s strange to think that when you first moved in, lara wasn’t in your life. you can’t imagine your home without her. without her clothes that she leaves behind for you. can’t imagine how a year ago, you were coming home to an empty building, but now you had a very sweet, very attentive girlfriend greeting your presence.
you wander further into the apartment. when you pass by the kitchen, you notice its unusually clean. it lacks lara’s usual messy cooking, the counter spotless—perhaps she’d ordered take away instead, you thought. as you walk silently towards the lounge area, the sound of comedic laughter and voices fill your ears. upon entering the space, you see the characters of seinfeld on the large flat screen. your gaze flickers to the couch, and much like you guessed, lara was laid against the cushions. a blanket covers her, thrown messily over her legs and torso.
a smile graces your features, heart hammering in your chest like the first night you saw her. you step closer, hand reaching out from behind the couch and tracing over the top of her head.
“hey baby,” you say, lowly. not wanting to interrupt the peaceful air. “sorry i’m late, i was a little caught up at work.”
lara turns to look over once she hears your voice. she smiles, small and barely noticeable, but its there nonetheless. “that’s alright. i got your text.”
her voice fades away as she turns her head over to face the tv once again. you frown at her lack of enthusiasm. usually lara greeted you with a sweet kiss, maybe even a hug. she always asks about your day, makes you sit down with her and tell her everything in detail.
but tonight, she seems different.
shaking it off, you try not to let it affect you and walk into the kitchen. you grab whatever you found most appealing from the fridge. you sit at the little kitchen island, eating quickly. mulling over in your head what could be wrong.
this wasn’t her usual behavior. no, this was something you weren’t used to. and you didn’t like it, not at all. your hands twitch slightly while you eat, body slowly and gradually filling with anxieties you wish would disappear.
when you’ve finished eating and washing up your dishes, you find to see that lara is no longer where she was. the tv still played, but the blanket was already folded up and tucked back into the corner of the couch. sighing, you take a seat and watch the rest of the episode. this could as a good distraction for you, trying not to let your mind overthink. it was a small thing, nothing to be worried about.
so what if lara was slightly off? maybe she was exhausted from practice, the kats had been working nonstop. especially with their beautiful chaos release and their upcoming tour. that would explain her behavior.
it was no use, the bad thoughts still stayed.
you barely made it through another few minutes of the show before your leg started bouncing, heel tapping on the floor in a fast paced rhythm. you worry on her bottom lip, mind far from what was happening in this episode.
you take a deep breath. swallow the thick lump in your throat. your fingers flex out, bones cracking. then you place your hands across your chest trying some butterfly taps to calm yourself. but the longer you sat there alone, silence surrounds you, the faster your heart began to beat and that sinking feeling filled your whole body.
you switch off the tv quickly, blinking up at the ceiling and muttering self soothing words under your breath. with a deep sigh, you walk to your room. the door is shut, so you twist the knob slightly and open the door far enough for you to slip in. the wooden object creaks lightly as you close it once again.
lara’s leaning against your headboard, eyes focused on her phone. the light of the screen illuminates her face. you shuffle closer, then noticing the gray hoodie of yours she’s wearing.
your fingers fidget with one another. heart sinking when she barely acknowledges your presence. there’s a clear worry in your eyes, eyebrows scrunched together in both confusion and hurt.
“lara,” you call, walking further. the bed dips as you sat down at the end. “are you…have i done something to upset you?”
you’re way too scared to hear the answer, briefly bracing yourself that maybe you had indeed accidentally fucked up. but it never comes. instead, lara lets a low chuckle slip past her slips, one eyebrow arched up. “oh, do you think there could be a reason why i would be angry with you?”
her voice is clearly filled with humor, but it doesn’t translate that way to you. in your mind, you think she’s testing you. maybe checking to see if you could figure it out for yourself.
quickly, you think over the day. nothing out of the ordinary, you sent her your hourly check ins. called her when you had the chance and you knew she was free. you look back over the week next, perhaps it was something from a few days ago, but you come up empty. no indication of why she could be upset with you.
“i…” you begin, clearing your throat. “i don’t know, maybe? but if i have done something, please, tell me what it is.”
your words tumble out faster than you mean for them, breath catching in your throat. its a desperate attempt for you to speak before you choke up. you could already feel yourself tense up, tears would be coming soon..
lara frowns at this. her eyes scan over you. hands clutching one another, foot tapping against the floor. eyes that gloss slightly, a heavy release of a breath. she shuffles out from the covers, moves over to sit beside you and places a hand over your shoulder. she rests it there delicately, squeezes when you don’t look up at her.
“yn, you haven’t done anything.” she smiles lightly, but her voice still has a tinge of worry. “i was just teasing, baby.”
your shoulders drop at her words, slowly the anxiety leaves you. not completely though, you’re still shaking under her touch. lara acts quickly, pulls you closer and wraps an arm around you. she whispers in your ear sweet words, her voice bringing a calm to you as you let a few tears slip out. you sniffle, wiping them quickly.
“i’m sorry,” you mumble. your hands clench on the duvet, knuckles turning white. “its just…i really thought i fucked up or something.”
lara’s other hand cups your cheek and forces you to look up at her. she traces her thumb over your wet skin, eyes filled with a seriousness that makes you shudder. hidden beneath, there’s a clear concern and it makes your body warm.
“i was only tired after the long schedules we’ve had, and i wanted to rest. i figured..maybe you’d sense that.” she explain, presses a soft kiss to the crown of your head. “i should’ve said something.”
you shook your head, hand gripping hers and pulling it away from you, placing it in your lap. you play with her fingers, head tilted down. with a sharp inhale, you will yourself not to breakdown, trying to keep your voice stable.
“yeah, maybe i should’ve known.” you whisper, guilt filling you. “i’m sorry.”
lara tuts you, “stop apologizing.”
your response is automatic. she rolls her eyes at that, but her tiny grin graces her features. she lets you compose yourself silently, watching as you distract yourself with her fingers. the arm that was over your shoulder moves to the nape of your neck and she lightly scratches at your baby hairs. the longer you sit together, lara notes this wasn’t just a simple fleeting thought of you thinking she was angry—this was something more. this had layers she possibly wasn’t aware of.
she hums, “can i ask…why’d you think i was upset with you, darling?”
you let out another long breath. this time, your body trembles as you do. and now lara is alert, immediately filled with deep concern. she pulls away far enough so that she can fully look at you, but still close that you’d be able to reach for her.
you don’t say anything for a while. lara doesn’t mind, she lets you gather your thoughts. lets you calm down your mind, pull yourself out of whatever had you spiraling. she waits patiently, the minutes passing by. she doesn’t rush you, and when you finally open your mouth to speak, lara’s listening with sharp eyes and attention.
your voice wavers. “during a few of my old relationships, there were times where they’d ignore me for hours if i did something wrong.” you reveal, a heavy weight pressing on your chest at the memories. lara intertwines her hand with your, a silent urge for you to go on. “it was weird…sometimes it wasn’t always because they were upset with me, it would be other things. and so, i just assumed…maybe, maybe you were angry with me too. you were so silent, i was so scared.”
lara’s heart breaks in her chest a little at the sheer vulnerability in your voice. she shushes you when she hears you hiccup, a few tears leaking from your eyes. she understood now why you’d ask her such a thing—it was survival tactic you’d learnt.
watching for a change in tone, a change in behavior—emotional abuse that scarred you. lara could see it now. you weren’t able to sense she wanted to rest, weren’t able to pick up the signs because you only knew that silence meant anger.
you weren’t used to security. weren’t used to a healthy relationship.
“baby,” she mutters, cradles your head in her hands. “look at me.” she orders gently. and when you do, lara could see the years of unspoken trauma. she wonders, how long had you been keeping this in?
your eyes sting from the tears. they taste salty against your tongue when you swipe to lick your bottom lip. your eyes are slightly red, blinking away the remaining tears.
“i can’t undo the past, but know that if i’m ever angry with you, i’d tell you. or at least mention maybe we cool off alone, but never silence. i’d never ignore you.” she says with conviction, glint in her eyes that you lets you know she means it.
you’d probably cry even more at her words, but you didn’t want to tear up again. you shuffle closer to her, burry your face in the crook of her neck. breathe in her scent. lara’s hands wrap over your upper back, rubbing in circles. you release a heavy breath, and this time, your anxiety goes away with it.
she kisses your head once again. it lingers for a moment, a sign of security. you were safe with her. you didn’t need to walk on eggshells no more.
“its okay, baby. we’ll work through it together.” she reassures you. your arms tighten around her torso. “you don’t have to worry anymore.”
something in you breaks completely at her words. a broken sob, emotions bursting out. you can’t tell if its the memories of your past partners or the way lara holds you with such gentleness, speaks to you in a way that makes your chest warm. but either way, you don’t try to fight it. you let the tears out. body shaking. hands grasping at the fabric of the hoodie she wears. cries that hurt lara’s ears, not because its loud and shattering, but because she’s got so much love for you in her heart that it kills her to see you like this.
she mutters out words of affirmation, consoling you as you calm down, until there’s nothing but tiny sniffles. when you pull away from her, your eyes and cheeks are burning red. body exhausted, but a heart that’s finally found some kind of peace.
lara takes her time to pat away with the sleeves of the hoodie until your cheeks are damp and sticky, glistening with dried tears. she reaches over to the side table for a tissue, lets you clean yourself up. and when you’re done, she tucks strands of hair behind your ear, hand on the side of your neck. she leans in close, breath fanning on your lips. glances at your eyes, lara smiles with a kind of warmth that makes you shudder.
she kisses you soft, slow. tastes of sweet cherry. the kiss isn’t rushed, isn’t filled with an urgency of want. instead, it makes you swoon. mind dizzying from the intimacy of it all.
lara pulls away when she hears your staggered breaths, a tiny smirk tugging on her lips. she kisses you a couple more times, pecks your lips while her hand traces shapes on your neck. it tickles, and you laugh slightly, squirming. she giggles at you, sharing smiles together like you hadn’t just broken down a few minutes ago.
“c’mon.” she whispers, leans back onto the bed pillows. her hand reaches out to you, and pulls you to lay your head on her chest. her heartbeat fills your eardrums, oddly soothing you.
lara is warm. safe. she wouldn’t hurt you. not like the others. that was in the past, and the desi girl was your present—your future.
just when your eyes start to droop, feeling drowsy and emotionally exhausted, lara’s voice wakes you up for a moment. “thank you for telling me this, by the way. i know it wasn’t easy.”
you yawn, snuggling into her further. lara’s hand is in your hair, scratching against your scalp. “it’s like you said, we’ll work through it together.”
she smiles at that. notes in her head what you’d have to do together for future communication, how she’d help you heal your wounds. it isn’t long before you’re fully weighed over her, breathing slow and steady. lara knows then you’ve fallen asleep. she gives you one final glance over before her eyes shut close, dozing off just as easily.
notes: wow established relationship lara fics how i’ve missed you… hope yall enjoyed! just a little something while i suffer through university <3 i have many works in my drafts that i can’t wait to share ;)
