Harmless (FKA Twin Cabins) - Nenca (Es Para Siempre)
Nacho Cano has been hustling great tunes for a minute now, but he’s been struggling with some shit and thought he’d write it out to a letter to me:
It’s midnight here in LA and I’m sitting outside my back porch, or the best version of one, debating whether or not I should send you this track. It’s been out for a while but I felt the need to send it to you, or at least more or less, send you a letter.
I feel like I’ve been most honest with you than any other writer, or than with any other friend. I’ve told you just about everything, things that I could hardly ever rewrite or beg to retell. However, it’s honesty that’s been killing me lately.
Ever since the release of the last record, and it’s subsequent little songs, I’ve found myself wrapped up in the honesty, or lack thereof, in this adult world. I just turned 24 and I find it harder and harder to allow anyone into my heart, or even into the most mundane aspects of my life. In many ways I feel like I am this way because honesty is punishment. It changes the perception that others have of you, it changes the language you speak, and the consequence of everyones character. I felt closeted in my honesty. I felt like I made a record that undeniably told how I felt, so that maybe the pain that I was hiding behind would dissipate. I felt that maybe if it did well it would justify anything painful and unforgivable that happened to me.
As if I could just let go of these moments, in the art and soundscapes. Unfortunately I don’t feel like it panned out this way. I felt like I was negotiating my truths and my soul with other people. As if I could give a peace of myself and justify the sacrifice without fault. I had to surrender my faith in my work and my faith in my relationships to hopefully catch a glimpse of release. As if an album, or a project, could make me feel free. It didn’t.
Instead, I feel trapped. The record got done, it got published, it got out, and it met some reception. I had a different expectation but alas, it vanished in the noise. People still look to who I was and the kind of music I made then. In my dorm room, listening to Wild Nothing and Destroyer, feeling like I could hone in on the formula and maybe get that one girl to like me.
Now I wanna give who I really am the world. Offer to them what I feel is often lost around my peers, my word and my honesty. After the record, it felt like it got really devalued, like it never really mattered. As if what I said was too complicated, too simple, not on the nose, too on the nose, or just lost in general. I guess art is about finding the path. I haven’t really found it and every day I feel like I lose a piece of myself to my ambition. Like I’m forcing myself to martyr to myself. I don’t really know how to put it. But honestly, it just feels like I can’t really make anything just to make anything. I can’t really deal with the rejection, the lack of communication, the lack of honesty there is in people.
If it were bad I’d rather just hear that. If it wasn’t clear, or if it wasn’t what you wanted, I’d rather hear that. I can surrender to that. Maybe then I could move on and make something else and hopefully get to where I want to be. I wanna feel again like I really did have something to offer. The formula, the person, or the record. I had honesty to offer, but now I don’t feel like it at all.
Anyway, the song is about letting it get worse. Everything sort of does when you carry expectation.
Once again, I don’t have to publish this, I’d almost prefer that you didn’t It just feels nice to send letters to a blog about my music, and be honest to someone about it without inhibition.
Best wishes, I hope this finds you well,
Read more Letters to YVYNYL.
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dededos
