Twinkle

36 - British -been through ICSI with my hubby and finally have our gorgeous little man, writing my experiences and now looking at ttc again! Also have our furry baby an American Cocker Spaniel!

[twinklemajor]

So, turns out I had an incomplete miscarriage, had medical management which didn’t work so had surgical management which I think has worked but will have to wait 3 weeks and do a pregnancy test.

One step forward though, I’ve booked my appointment with the consultant to discuss the possibility of using the frozen embryos and what it will entail etc

[twinklemajor]

Today was hard! It would have been my mum’s 65th birthday today and it broke that I’m missing her, missing Teddy, glad they have each other and know she will be so excited and he will be spoilt rotten but I don’t get to see it, only imagine it, and it hurts 😔

[twinklemajor]

Plucked up the courage today to mention to my dad that the 2 embryos we still have aren’t completely off the cards like he thinks. I think I git my point across and also that it’s not a decision we’ll be taking lightly or anytime soon, but it’s an option for us to consider when we are ready!

[twinklemajor]

Treat myself to these to hopefully help me. I can’t show anyone else that I have the Pregnancy After Loss one, it’s one I got to put away until that decision has been made but one to help me from the start of that journey if we decide to go on it.

[twinklemajor]

Today I felt better and like I wanted to be productive so I grabbed my bullet journal and wrote myself a little action plan to help me get back to feeling a little more like me. It’s only writing it down for now but it’s a start!

[twinklemajor]

I know I need to take the time to process what has happened and let my body recover (I mean I gave birth 2 weeks ago tomorrow, my body knows that but my mind doesn’t as we have no baby to show for it) but I can’t stop thinking about wanting to try again. It’s because I know we have 2 embryos and I miss my bump. I could already feel him kicking and we were getting close to my husband and son feeling him as well, they have missed out on that experience as well as me.

I just don’t know if I can accept that being my last experience of pregnancy knowing we have 2 others that we could use. I have so many questions to ask our consultant but I know my husband isn’t completely sold on the idea yet and I don’t even know if they will say we should or not. I guess selfishly I miss being pregnant and I had the next few years planned out in my head, I just can’t accept such a drastic change when it might not have to be.

If it had been our other cycles and we didn’t have any further embryos then it would be easier to deal with, but I just feel we have the other 2 for a reason.

And then I feel guilty as I shouldn’t be thinking about this yet, I should be remembering and being thankful for Teddy 💙

[twinklemajor]

Teddy’s Story

So I’ve been a bit quiet on here but I need to let this out somewhere and thought this is the best place.

So we had our third cycle of ICSI and had 3 embryos, 2 frozen and 1 transferred, and it worked. Straight away, first one again.

Christmas Day we told our now 5 year old he was going to be a big brother (I was exactly 10 weeks) and he was so excited, just what he had wished for.

14 weeks in I had a heavy bleed, 111 advised to go to a&e, lots of tests done, no issues found, cervix still in tact so emergency scan booked for a few days time. Went to scan, all ok, baby measured where it should, placenta fine, no clots or clusters in there, all ok.

The bleeding had continued on and off some fresh, some old, staying positive, was told it was my body trying to get rid of something but not sure what.

10 days later I had really bad cramping on the evening, came in waves, lasted a few hours, I took some paracetamol and had a load of water and the cramping stopped. Phoned gynaecologist next morning and told an emergency scan was booked for 2 days time so I asked if someone could check me over which they agreed to. (This was my first day back in work since this latest lockdown started). Gynea took bloods, urine, (showed her what was there in wiping as still had blood) checked my stomach and cervix, all ok, wait for the scan again.

As I drove back to work the cramps started again, only mild and only a few seconds at a time. After 2 hours they were a bit stronger so took some paracetamol again. An hour later the pain had not subsided, if anything it was worse so I rang gynea again, nothing they could do apart from what they had done earlier, just try and rest and wait for the scan.

I managed to wait it out another hour at work until hometime then drive home with these horrible cramps, messaged my husband on the way to get a hot water bottle ready for me so I went straight in grabbed the bottle and put my PJ’s on. I managed to get into a more comfortable position to ride out the cramps and they continued a little while longer, until I felt a pop and then a gush.

The pain had stopped so it was one of 2 things, the gush was blood or it was my waters, I went to the toilet, my pad was wet through tinged with red so was still a bit confused as the pain had stopped. So I decided I’ll change my pad and see what happens, just as I was sorting that a huge pain came so I ran to the toilet and there was a tiny leg and foot. My heart sank.

I shouted my husband and obviously the inquisitive 5 year old also came and wanted to see what was happening but managed to make some noise to tell my husband to keep him away and then what was happening, phoned my dad to get AJ and the onto 111. At first they wanted my husband to take me to a&e but I refused to move, while on the phone the rest of the baby was born so again they wanted my husband to take me but the placenta was still attached. After half an hour the were sending an ambulance which then took another half an hour to arrive.

The teams were amazing, ambulance crew told me it was a boy and we’re so dignified in how they handled it all. Got into a&e where midwives were waiting and a gynaecologist (the one who checked me over no the first night we went in) and they helped me deliver the placenta (the contractions for this started just as the ambulance crew had transferred me onto the chair to get me downstairs and we’re so much worse than the ones I’d had all day and with the baby and only had gas & air for this part).

Everything after that was a bit of a whirlwind. We had to decide on the funeral, if we wanted a memorial box and then they were struggling to get me a bed to stay overnight for observations. Although I was earlier than they usually accept I was eventually taken to the maternity ward in a little room by myself that had all the facilities needed (own toilet, kettle etc). Was checked over, we’d decided to have a memory box and his hand & foot prints taken and the next morning I decided I wanted some photos just incase we ever decided in the future we might want them and I also decided I wanted to see him.

He looked just like his dad. He was perfect. Just far too tiny. We hadn’t decided on a name but during that night (I didn’t exactly get any sleep) I decided on one that we had thrown around which was Teddy, as in the memory box there were 2 little teddies, one that went with him and one that we keep, and it also had a couple of links to family names.

So Teddy David Major was born approximately 17:45pm on 1st Feb 2021 at 15+3 gestation.

[twinklemajor]

So..... first cycle this time round, 17 follicles removed, 10 mature, 6 fertilised, 3 made it to blastocysts, so I transferred and 2 frozen but looks like we may not need the frozen ones 😬🤞🏼

[twinklemajor]

3 friends & family so far this week have announced their pregnancies, I can’t even bring myself to like the posts on Facebook! Probably makes me a horrible person but when one has their life all planned out and it works perfectly and the other 2 aren’t even ‘trying’ it fucking sucks that I am waiting for a letter from the consultant to even get in and speak to him and see if it’s a possibility. 😔

[twinklemajor]

Haven’t even mentioned trying for number 2 with my son and he’s become obsessed today about having a new baby, apparently me and the hubby have to have another wedding to get a baby! At least if it happened we’d have his blessing 😊

[twinklemajor]

Why is it when you start thinking about trying for a baby you start watching the birth programmes 🤰🏼🤱🏼

[twinklemajor]

Mid cycle bloods done, think the doc is just doing it as a formality and so it’s hopefully one less thing to be done once we’ve been referred. Felt quite strange knowing exactly what we needed to to do and the answers come straight away. Also quite funny that on his board he’d been training some of his students on fertility treatments and all his words and drawings were so familiar to us.

Once he has the results back which he thinks should be 2 days he’ll be writing the letter for us 🤞🏼

[twinklemajor]

Well that went quite straight forward. On way to hospital for bloods 😬

[twinklemajor]

Today (if we can get in) we are going to request our referral 😬 wish us luck 🤞🏼

[twinklemajor]

So I’ve been absent for quite some time, sorry about that! Me and the husband have decided to try for baby number 2 so at the very early stages (as in going to ring doctors on Monday so we can get referred)

We’ve both said we’re only going to have one shot and if it doesn’t work then it’s not meant to be!

Trying not to get to ahead of myself but I’m already thinking it will be pink before we have even get to see the specialist! Oh gosh I forgot how encompassing it all is!

[twinklemajor]

Just adding the border to this, it's for my grandma's 85th birthday and I love it 😍 so proud of myself 😊

[twinklemajor]

I made this for AJ's childminder who is going through cancer treatment! It has the names of the 3 little ones who are with other childminders while she recovers ☺️