Flower

23 he/they

[twistedaconite]

Warning

Minors do not interact, this is an adult page only. This page is not safe anyone sensitive to: violence, messed up kinks, mental health, dark thoughts and fantasies, and so on.

Topics probably posted on this page are not limited to but will probably include: mental disorders, cannibalism, murder, suicidal ideation, depression, self harm, intoxication, rape, and other violent and concerning things.

This page is intended for mental health venting, a place to write out my breakdowns, and to occasionally write disturbing dark messed up fantasies.

You have been warned.

Peace be with you.

[twistedaconite]

Took the cane i bought outside for the first time since the day I bought it. My grandmother jokingly asked how old I am before I explained about my issue walking in straight lines and figured the cane would keep me from veering into the middle of the road when I'm walking along the side of it and she thankfully didn't seem judging just curious and light, though with her personality problems she might be bitching about me or worried by tomorrow but thats usual for her. My younger sister just joked that I was getting old and then complained about her knees killing her before moving on to updating me on her latest girlfriend drama. The people I work for were just curious and slightly concerned I guess but I'm not too surprised that they weren't judgy; they're disabled themselves and use wheelchairs to get around.

The real test for my anxiety is going to be using the cane when I walk home in the morning. Still havent mastered how to walk with the thing yet. I've heard contradicting information to lift it when you lift you bad leg and to lift it when you lift your good leg, the first sounds more reasonable to me but I still havent gotten the hang of it but practice makes perfect I guess.

[twistedaconite]

Bought a cane a few months ago and only used it the day I bought it. Feel like a hypocrite because I always tell people to use their mobility aids even if they think they might need it but dont currently at the moment need it that day but yet here I am afraid to be judged or side eyed or pitied or something if I use a cane when I walk half a mile home from work in the mornings; I get a ride to work most of the time but usually have to walk home.

My body hurt a lot lately, more than my usual aches and pains; normally only certain areas flair up at a time, mostly my hands and wrists and sometimes my hips and knees but lately its everything even where my jaw connects and the base of my skull to my neck area too. Everything aches.

My coordination also isnt always the best? Like my hand-eye is great but walking? Man I always veer to the right or zigzag. Always blamed it on my bowed legs and the way my feet tend to point out so I waddle, and the fact I'm overweight.

Guess im mostly worried people will think I'm using the cane as an act as well as folks thinking i'm using it just cause I'm fat? Though I dont usually have an issue with my weight I suddenly find myself thinking that people who can at least think a little bit before judging even if they are still judging will come to the conclusion I need the cane due to being fat so I dont fall or something. Though honestly I shouldn't be ashamed even if that was the case but yeah I guess I'm dealing with fat shame/guilt(?) now as well as issues with making myself use my cane and other stuff too; I have compression gloves for my knuckles and wrists that like to hurt but I dont wear them as often as I want to/should because I dont want weird looks but half the time I just forget I even own the compression gloves cause ive bought some before that gave me sensory issues or just didnt fit and I didnt get comfy ones til this year.

I'm 23 and an ftm he/they. You can call me flower 🌼

[hauntedxholy]

Hello Flower,

It’s not hypocritical, it’s honest.

As someone who also uses a cane, I struggle with the same things you talked about.

When you see people using mobility aids, you normally don’t think too much of it, maybe a quick “oh their cane/crutches/ wheelchair is cool!” And you move on.

It’s the learning to extend that kindness to yourself. Please don’t let your weight, diagnosis, or struggles make you feel any less deserving of a tool that will help you and make your life easier.

You’re in pain, you need rest. There’s no shame in it.

Be patient with yourself dear, it’s a lot to carry but posting this is a very brave thing and there’s people who feel the same way you do, and if they mentioned these things to you, you’d support them, try to give yourself the same support.

[twistedaconite]

thank you, I really appreciate your response. Lots of folks like judging, most of my family too, so its been a bit of a struggle. My partner and best friend at least have been supportive, understanding, and encouraging but its hard to ignore judgment from others, be they relatives or random folks in town. Thanks for responding to my post, I needed that. ♡

[twistedaconite]

I've always had issues with walking; I stagger slightly, never able to walk in a straight line long, my balance isnt the best but never was bad enough for someone to put me in physical therapy until I got myself some briefly in highschool one summer, I roll my ankles a lot mostly the left one, my legs and knees hurt often as do my hips(and my entire body really but thats not relevant) and I have noticed when I walk home some mornings from work that I vear dramatically to the right, as in I start walking slightly to the right until im in the middle of the road instead of along the left side, though occasionally I wander left and stumble into the ditch but that's rarer.

I bought a cane to help but havent gotten over my anxiety I guess to use it in public much yet though I should, and I've been looking into differnet mobility aides and stuff. I was thinking about leg braces but most look clunky unless a person has money or good insurance. Tried compression things but they usually roll or are too tight; I'm overweight so most things labeled One Size Fits All dont fit right.

This is mostly just a post asking if anyone had ideas or recommendations for a slightly wobbly fat young man to use for his semi regular half mile daily walks.

Plan to move at some point and the walks will be longer too so I definitely need to figure out something lol. Trying to buy a vehicle but it will probably be winter by then and I usually manage to get enough people to agree to give me rides in bad weather so I'll be fine then, but currently its sunny (sometimes too sunny but alas, I have no choice but to walk) and I have a lot of walking ahead or me so any advice is welcome.

[twistedaconite]

Bought a cane a few months ago and only used it the day I bought it. Feel like a hypocrite because I always tell people to use their mobility aids even if they think they might need it but dont currently at the moment need it that day but yet here I am afraid to be judged or side eyed or pitied or something if I use a cane when I walk half a mile home from work in the mornings; I get a ride to work most of the time but usually have to walk home.

My body hurt a lot lately, more than my usual aches and pains; normally only certain areas flair up at a time, mostly my hands and wrists and sometimes my hips and knees but lately its everything even where my jaw connects and the base of my skull to my neck area too. Everything aches.

My coordination also isnt always the best? Like my hand-eye is great but walking? Man I always veer to the right or zigzag. Always blamed it on my bowed legs and the way my feet tend to point out so I waddle, and the fact I'm overweight.

Guess im mostly worried people will think I'm using the cane as an act as well as folks thinking i'm using it just cause I'm fat? Though I dont usually have an issue with my weight I suddenly find myself thinking that people who can at least think a little bit before judging even if they are still judging will come to the conclusion I need the cane due to being fat so I dont fall or something. Though honestly I shouldn't be ashamed even if that was the case but yeah I guess I'm dealing with fat shame/guilt(?) now as well as issues with making myself use my cane and other stuff too; I have compression gloves for my knuckles and wrists that like to hurt but I dont wear them as often as I want to/should because I dont want weird looks but half the time I just forget I even own the compression gloves cause ive bought some before that gave me sensory issues or just didnt fit and I didnt get comfy ones til this year.

I'm 23 and an ftm he/they. You can call me flower 🌼

[twistedaconite]

Idk if this counts as an eating disorder so warning i guess.

I snack a lot more than I eat proper meals but theres a handful of days where I either forget to eat cause I didnt feel hungry or I just find food gross and unappetizing and suddenly have to force myself to eat a can of soup at midnight cause my body hates me so I can feel better in a few hours. Tonight is currently a forcing myself to eat soup night. I hate these nights. So im just wondering what folks recommendations or experiences are for when they struggle to make themselves eat. I need ideas because soup and granola bars are getting to be gross at this point because im starting to associate them with feeling like I do now even on my more normal snacky days.

[thesicksys]

systems with did, you are loved.

systems with osdd, you are loved.

systems with p-did/di-dd, you are loved.

systems with low amnesia, you are loved.

systems with high amnesia, you are loved.

systems with differing alters, you are loved.

systems with alters that don't differ much, you are loved.

systems with nonhuman alter, you are loved.

nonhuman systems, you are loved.

RAMCOA/OEA/TBMC/Programmed systems, you are loved.

systems who used to be endo/pro endo, you are loved.

systems who used to be harmful, you are loved.

diagnosed systems, you are loved.

self diagnosed systems, you are loved.

suspected systems, you are loved.

undiagnosed systems, you are loved.

systems who don't remember their trauma, you are loved.

systems who remember their trauma, you are loved.

queer systems, you are loved.

systems who use xenogender/neopronouns, you are loved.

systems who use parts terminology, you are loved.

systems who use alters terminology, you are loved.

systems who use headmates terminology, you are loved.

systems who use any term to replace parts, you are loved.

systems who like to be treated as multiple, you are loved.

systems who like to be treated as one person, you are loved.

systems who want final fusion, you are loved.

systems who want functional multiplicity, you are loved.

systems who are still in an abusive situation, you are loved.

systems that have multiple/comorbid disorders, you are loved.

systems who are neurodivergent, you are loved.

polyfragmented systems, you are loved.

systems with a high headcount, you are loved.

systems with a low headcount, you are loved.

systems who have a headspace, you are loved.

systems who don't have a headspace, you are loved.

systems who use plural, you are loved.

systems who don't use plural, you are loved.

systems, you are loved.

[peppercornsystem]

I’d like to take this time to remind everyone that self diagnosis is valid. One because we are living in fucking fascism and many people either don’t have health insurance or if they do, can’t afford to go to the doctor. We spent over sixty fucking dollars on groceries just for ourselves, one body, the other week. That’s nearly double what we were paying two years ago. Demanding everyone go get a diagnosis is so fucking classist.

Two, we’re a prime fucking example that self diagnosis can be right. We suspected for years and got involved in the system community and faced tons of backlash and people being terrible, just to finally get insurance and seek medical help for it and be told by our mental health team that we have DID. We were right. We always had been. Our roadblock was just the fucked up system.

Mental health professionals are fucking human and can be fucking biased. As someone who works in mental health, everyone in this line of work is either fantastic or literally the spawn of Satan and there’s no in between. Some people get into it for a manipulative power kick. Some people genuinely don’t care about doing their job and don’t want to be scrutinized by colleagues and supervisors and don’t care what that means for you, being ignored and unhelped and very potentially misdiagnosed and improperly medicated, which can be dangerous and highly traumatic.

Are you going to foot the bill of people going to get help? Are you going to network for good therapists, psychiatrists, and psychologists? Are you going to comfort them after they have a bad session? Are you going to even hear them out?

No? Then shut the fuck up.

Rooney~

(He/him)

[loving-friends]

"DID symptoms no-one talks about" but very specific this time:

Conflicts and arguments are harder because you're more likely to rapid switch and experience amnesia when you're emotionally distressed, so I often end up feeling like I'm contradicting myself, back-tracking, and don't remember enough of what transpired to be able to truly engage and communicate well. This can make me seem like a liar who is trying to manipulate others and dismiss accountability for their actions. The reality is that different alters have different opinions, feelings, and input, and one alter cannot explain another alter's thought process, so sometimes I say something and then seem to back-track and contradict myself, because I can't explain a thought process I previously had, no matter what, because it was an entirely different alter with that thought process who is no longer fronting.

I don't know if I have ARFID, but I've suspected it for a while, and I've suspected that part of my problems with eating and food could also be different alters having different food preferences. I've had a lot of experiences where I felt like I thought I liked a food, only to try it and it tastes completely different from how I remember it and food not tasting good to me anymore, even though I previously liked it. I'm not talking about the normal human "taste buds change" over the course of years - I'm talking about "I know I liked this weeks ago, but I hate it now", "I seem to sometimes like rice and soy sauce and it's delicious, but other times it seems to taste disgusting and nothing at all like I remember."

How different DID feels when you have little to no awareness vs much more awareness. Why does no-one talk about this? Before I've gained some more of the awareness I have now, I was totally unaware of switches and alters, and many people treated me like I wasn't describing DID symptoms or like I was describing OSDD instead of DID, all for reasons like me telling people "I don't switch" when the reality was actually that I was simply not aware of switches and discounted any time I thought a switch may have happened and I didn't know how to figure out if I had switched, so I BELIEVED that I didn't switch, and I BELIEVED other things too such as "my memory is fine" and would tell people these things - other systems - and they'd tell me that I wasn't describing DID symptoms or that I was describing OSDD instead. The reality was that I just had extreme denial and little to no awareness because my dissociation was so extreme. And I just have to say that DID feels completely different when you have actual more awareness of who your alters are, when you switch, of passive influence, internal communication, and more, and I never see anyone talk about it.

DID is not rare, but the entire world makes you FEEL like it is.

Dysphoria/dysmorphia (I'm unsure which word would be more accurate to use here) because your visual appearance doesn't match how you want to be/wish you were perceived. I've seen people talk about some weird experience of ""seeing yourself in the mirror and seeing someone who doesn't look like you"", and I assume that's the experience I'm talking about, but at least for me, it just feels more like this bone-deep discomfort with my appearance because I don't look the way I wish I did. And it can be like "I'm uncomfortable because we are wearing clothes that the current fronting alter doesn't feel comfortable in" to varying degrees of gender dysphoria experienced by different alters to "I look completely different from how I wish I could look, and that brings me great discomfort."

Honestly being surprised at times to truly think about some alters and see them as "Me" just another side of me. Like, sometimes I just think about some of us and it feels strange to really think about the fact that "that alter is Me, just other aspects of my personlity."

[anothergayghoul]

You ever just get the need to fight someone?

[rabbitheatedgrrrl]

Not wanting to have sex is NOT a problem. It doesn’t matter if you are asexual or allo, there is nothing wrong with not wanting sex. It’s just an activity. That’d be like saying that if you don’t like soccer, you need to go to soccer therapy to figure out why you dislike it and figure out how to like it because it’s for your own good. See how ridiculous that sounds? IT IS OK TO NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX AND IT IS NOT SOMETHING THAT NEEDS TO BE FIXED!!!!!!

[sophieinwonderland]

All The Resources You'll Need To Build Your Own Wonderland, Headspace or Inner World, Now Mobile Compatible!

I made a page dedicated to this, but it wasn't mobile compatible. On request, I decided to make this in a post for mobile readers.

I see a lot of systems asking for advice on building their own inner worlds and Wonderlands. There are a lot of resources out there, but they can be difficult to track down because they all are so spread out between different websites and different systems, so I decided to make a dedicated page for the topic with all of the guides and resources I’ve gathered, to make the process as streamlined as possible.

What’s a Wonderland?

Wonderland, inner world and headspace all refer to places you create inside your mind. These are imagined environments in which you can interact with your headmates.

You should start with the expectation that it isn’t going to feel very real in the beginning. Immersion is a skill that takes time to build. Don’t get discouraged if your inner world experiences don’t match up perfectly with those of others. Be patient and be kind to yourselves.

On Building Headspace

On Building Headspace is an introductory guide that focuses on beginning with a simple object and building around it. It’s light, but is an effective starting point.

YOUR GUIDE TO THE HEADSPACE (For OSDD/DID systems)

This is an introductory guide to building headspaces specific for OSDD/DID.

The DIY Headspace Guide

This handy little guide has a lot of ideas of how to build a headspace for yourself with an accompanying pinterest to jog your creativity. This guide is all about using references from real life, games and art to use as the basis for your inner world.

Immersion

Now that you have the basics down, it’s time to start working on immersion. This is a more in-depth guide focused on immersing yourself in your Wonderland or headspace, going through each of your senses.

Wonderland Immersion

This guide utilizes a much more focused method of immersion through semantic analysis.

How To Refocus On Your Wonderland

A detailed guide on focusing your attention in the Wonderland and staying in the moment.

When Things Go Wrong in Your Imagination and How To Fix Them So They Don’t

This one is pretty self-explanatory, providing tips on how to rein in your Wonderland when it doesn’t seem to be behaving how you’d like it too.

Innerworlds & mindscapes in Plurality & dissociative identity disorder  #DID101

This DID-focused guide to inner world creation is centered around using self-hypnosis to enter your inner world and create a safe space in your mind.

How to Build a Memory Palace

This one is actually not about building Wonderlands per se. Rather, it provides you a practical way to use your Wonderland to improve your memory once it’s built. If you’ve already worked so hard building your visualization skills, why not put them to good use by allowing you to more easily remember large amounts of information?

Additional Resources:

Besides guides, here are some other tools you might be interested in using for making your headspaces.

Homestyler

This was mentioned in the DIY guide, but I wanted to provide a direct link to the site, as it’s a free program and could be really useful for designing homes in your inner world.

Inkarnate

Where Homestyler is for your homes, Inkarnate is a map maker that you might find useful for designing the larger areas of your Wonderland. Caves, , landscapes, cities, countries, etc. It’s unfortunately mostly a fantasy map-maker, so you’ll struggle at building a lot of modern or sci-fi environments with it.

* * * * * * * * * *

Anyway, I hope someone out there can make use of these. And if anyone else has more guides or resources to add, don’t be afraid to send them my way! Good luck, and happy Wonderlanding!

[twistedaconite]

Not too long ago I came home from work and everything was too much. I thought maybe I was dealing with a headache I just hadn't processed was a headache- I dont always notice I have a headache for a while until I stop and process the symptoms and go "ohhh. Duh" and take a motrin. But my head didnt hurt it just... couldn't handle everything.

My partner was playing an anime I think and talking loud on his headset while playing games on a different screen. He turned things off and even stopped playing his games when I told him to please stop. He thought I had a bad headache too. The ac running made uncomfortable, and the fan cause it was hot and so both were on, my own breathing and existence was too much.

The dog touched me and that felt like needles where his short fur touched my leg and thats when I realized it must be sensory overload. I wanted to cry but couldn't- I cant seem to cry unless its from reading a sad story/comfort story or watching something sad on TV but if im sad for me I cant cry these days- and had a sudden desire to just bash my head into a wall to make everything stop.

I just wanted everything to stop.

I finally calmed enough to talk quietly with my partner about nonsense and go to sleep but god it was awful. I hated just existing for a good few hours there. I wonder how often when I got angry and bitchy in the past and thought it was just repressed anger or stress or a headache i hadnt acknowledged it was actually sensory overload? At least thats what I think it was.

[twistedaconite]

Self harm mention

Lately I keep thinking about cutting or knives. I dont normally even acknowledge that I use to scratch- i never cut deep enough to scar, always healed in less than a week- as a sophomore in highschool and didnt really stop til senior year. Maybe six times since graduating highschool about five years ago I've scratched myself again.

Few months ago I cut a little deeper with a new sharp box cutting knife I'd been given for my birthday by a someone who knows I like knives amd wasnt worried about my past of self harm since id never done anything permanent and hadnt cut/scratched for a few years as far as they knew. It left faint barely noticeable scars on the back of my arm- wanted it to look like id scratched myself on junk or got scratched by cats so no one would worry about me- and a few on my chest over my breast; first time in ages id felt significant dysphoria regarding my chest and I wanted to cut my breasts off but knew it'd hurt too much and id probably bleed out so I scratched a little too hard with the knife on my breast to hurt myself.

In highschool I originally started scratching because I was having constant emotional fluctuations later labeled as bipolar mania. Id stay awake an average of three days straight and write depressing poetry about past trauma or sadness or anxiety, have frequent panic attacks and sensory overload, be angry, dissociate, daydream, and cry before finally crashing. The scratching with knives leaving cuts thatd heal quick would sting just enough to snap me out of my panic or sadness or pull me out of numbness most of the time. Then it didnt work so I did it more before quitting because it wasnt helping and id finally gotten therapy. Sometimes though when I'm feeling numb or too much I find myself wanting to self harm again though. To try and make my self hurt so I'll either finally feel something or just feel something different. And then theres times I want to do it just because I'm bored if that makes any sense.

Just venting really. I think im going to start wearing rubber bands on my wrists again. Used to do that back when I quit scratching before. Therapists idea since I told her I mostly scratched to snap myself out of my head and she said the band would be a less damaging option though still technically a self harm it would be a healthier one until I didnt need it anymore.

[memory-of-stargazing]

“It just means you have to work double as hard as most people!”

Well maybe I don’t WANT to work double as hard as abled people!! Maybe I deserve a BREAK!! Maybe I’ve been working MORE THAN double as hard for MY WHOLE LIFE and it’s led me to immense burnout & caused me to develop several MORE disabilities!! Maybe I should be ACCOMMODATED so I don’t have to KILL MY BODY AND BRAIN over trying to do what abled people can do!! Maybe I DON’T have to work double as hard!! Maybe if there’s the option to let me NOT work double as hard, I should have it, because I’m already working double as hard JUST TO SURVIVE!!

Why do you think disabled people deserve less rest than mentally & physically abled people?

[leathersys]

so... we may have made something.

have YOU ever thought like this?????? i know WE hate the current plural diagnostics!!!! so! WE MADE OUR OWN!!!!!!!

it's 50 questions long, you can receive a total of 55 points!

Plural Checklist

*Due to how Google Forms is built, your "System Percentage" is shown as your amount of correct answers. Plural systems typically get a score

we are not doctors, do not take your result as medical advice.

feel free to reblog with your result!

Please read this reblog if you have a concern about the nature of the questions!!

[twistedaconite]

I got a 47/53....

[system-comics]

Positivity!