Fractured Memories

Musings on addiction and recovery

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This is Charlie Chaplin at age 26, photographed 100 years ago. He read this on his 70th birthday by Kim McMillan.

As I began to love myself

I found that anguish and emotional suffering

are only warning signs that I was living

against my own truth.

Today, I know, this is Authenticity.

As I began to love myself

I understood how much it can offend somebody

if I try to force my desires on this person,

even though I knew the time was not right

and the person was not ready for it,

and even though this person was me.

Today I call this Respect.

As I began to love myself

I stopped craving for a different life,

and I could see that everything

that surrounded me

was inviting me to grow.

Today I call this Maturity.

As I began to love myself

I understood that at any circumstance,

I am in the right place at the right time,

and everything happens at the exactly right moment.

So I could be calm.

Today I call this Self-Confidence.

As I began to love myself

I quit stealing my own time,

and I stopped designing huge projects

for the future.

Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness,

things I love to do and that make my heart cheer,

and I do them in my own way

and in my own rhythm.

Today I call this Simplicity.

As I began to love myself

I freed myself of anything

that is no good for my health –

food, people, things, situations,

and everything that drew me down

and away from myself.

At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism.

Today I know it is Love of Oneself.

As I began to love myself

I quit trying to always be right,

and ever since

I was wrong less of the time.

Today I discovered that is Modesty.

As I began to love myself

I refused to go on living in the past

and worrying about the future.

Now, I only live for the moment,

where everything is happening.

Today I live each day,

day by day,

and I call it Fulfillment.

As I began to love myself

I recognized

that my mind can disturb me

and it can make me sick.

But as I connected it to my heart,

my mind became a valuable ally.

Today I call this connection Wisdom of the Heart.

We no longer need to fear arguments,

confrontations or any kind of problems

with ourselves or others.

Even stars collide,

and out of their crashing, new worlds are born.

Today I know: This is Life!

#Charlie Chaplin #AsIBegan #poem

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I am perfectly imperfect. Wabi Sabi (not to be confused with Wasabi) is the Japanese Art of taking something imperfect and honoring its impermanence. An artist will take gold to fill a crack in a bowl making the broken piece once more usable, as well as more valuable. Such is my Higher Power as He pours His infinite love into my broken, fallible self making me stronger and more beautiful. ~ Candice

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Shine the light

This resonated with me. Especially in these tense and troubled times.

Marnie Leinberger

Shine the light of love

Ann Lamott is one of my favorite writers. In 2002, she wrote “Blue Shoes,” and at one point in the story, a little girl wakes up in the middle of the night. She’s very afraid of the dark, becomes quite upset, and does not want to go back to sleep. Her mom comes in to comfort her, but the young girl was having none of it. She simply did not want to go back to sleep. Lamott writes, “But God’s with you, comforting and protecting you, “ the mother said. “But, I need someone with skin on, “ the little girl replies.” The author of the Gospel of John writes that “the Word became flesh and lived among us.” God with the skin on. One of the ways we can understand the nature of God is to watch what Jesus does. A couple of years ago, in one of my sermons, I described it this way. Samaritans were a tribe that was not well-like. Jesus takes the time to actually talk to the Samaritan woman at the well. This was something that was almost unheard of. Jesus heals on the Sabbath. The rules said he shouldn’t, but he did anyway. In the Gospel according to John, Jesus takes loaves and fish from a young boy to feed the the masses, a strong suggestion that even the most vulnerable among us have something of value to offer. And when Jesus hears that his friend Lazarus, the brother of Mary, has died, he cries tears of grief. By watching Jesus, we can see that God prefers restorative and distributive justice rather than retributive and punitive justice. God values those who might otherwise be passed over; and, like us, God grieves. And because God grieves, God can also comfort. And we can be “God with the skin on” for other people. The author of the Gospel according to John tells us that people will know we follow Jesus by our love for one another. And lately our world could use a lot of love. There’s a lot of talk about building walls. Let’s let love help us build bridges. We seem to find ways to point out how we are all different from one another. Let’s let love help us find what we have in common. Rather than denying the painful parts of ourselves and our society, let’s let love allow us to listen to one another’s experiences – not so we can fix or change each other, but so that we can grow in empathy for one another. Let’s allow love to be our shining beacon in someone’s night. Let’s shine the light of love when our nights are full of racism and homophobia and abuse and religious strife and anger. Let’s let the light of our love shine in the night so that people know that God’s with them, comforting and protecting them. Let’s be God with the skin on.

Published The Pueblo Chieftain, July 16, 2016

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There is an old saying that before a baby is born, God kisses its soul. And as its guardian angel bears it earthward to its little body, he sings. Is there, in my subconscious self, still a dim memory of that kiss, a faint echo of that song. -PRAYER AT A GREEK CHRISTENING

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“The human soul doesn’t want to be advised or fixed or saved. It simply wants to be witnessed — to be seen, heard and companioned exactly as it is. When we make that kind of deep bow to the soul of a suffering person, our respect reinforces the soul’s healing resources, the only resources that can help the sufferer make it through.” http://www.onbeing.org/blog/parker-palmer-the-gift-of-presence-the-perils-of-advice/8628 Palmer Parker

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You wouldn’t believe what once or twice I have seen. I’ll just tell you this: only if there are angels in your head will you ever, possibly, see one. Mary Oliver

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Stand tall in your softness. Let the wind sway your petals. Dance proudly to the silky beats of your heart. Bow down to goosebumps. So often, it seems like the answer must be to toughen up. Get a thicker skin. Become harder. Meaner. More aggressive. It’s not. Maybe all we need is to remember is the sweeping power of our softness– The warm feeling of hugging a dear friend. The stinging tenderness of a broken heart. The sweet rain of falling tears. The tingly beauty of a whispered secret shared between two lovers. Tenderness is wisdom; gentleness is strength; sensitivity is gold. The power of a soft heart is unfathomable, indescribable, beautiful beyond words. In its ability to feel, to heal, to bend and break. Stand tall in your softness. Open. Breathe. Be vulnerable. Let it all in. Feel. Your juicy, one of a kind heart is designed to feel. Stand tall in your softness. Sarah L. Harvey

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I wonder how it works, this lost & found, strange business of the soul: Why we must be Fire, In order to become like Water, and meet the Sea, so we can slowly turn to Sky, and be loved by the Wind, before we kiss the Earth with drops for a brief hour, and memorize the darkness we learn, again, the art of Burning, I wish there was another way to you, but through. ~Andrea Balt

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Lasting transformation is a slow winged process, one little flutter at a time. Profound experiences can accelerate the journey, but much of the real change happens at slower paces and the places in between. Changing the migratory direction of your soul is a lifelong process. ~jeff brown

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