Two Jews Judging You

Those who don't, judge. Years of witnessing neighbors celebrating Christmas have made us experts: there's a right way to do lights, a wrong way to do lights, and then there's batshit cray.

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Glowing (at night), Patriots penguins certainly aren't typical Christmas decorations, for which we dock points. On the other hand, add on points for homemade (we think?) decorations. Plus we imagine they're caroling, and that's whimsical... in conclusion, jury's out on this one which is hard to believe because PENGUINS IN SANTA HATS.

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Lights go on trees - and only then, if done well. Lights should not be used to create a sad outline of a tree. We shouldn't have to teach you this.

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The Devil's Lights

We couldn't get a good photo, but let it be known that all-red Christmas lights are now known as "the Devil's lights" and should never be used.

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All the children in the neighborhood know that Santa delivers presents in his hot air balloon...

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Santa, don't jump! (Also, why are you humping a Christmas tree?)

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Lest you think tacky was reserved for the Christians... you'd be wrong.

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The mesh. What is with the frickin' mesh? Why do people think mesh is a good idea? Either take the time to put up lights - or don't. But don't cop out by putting up fugly mesh. Mesh. *shakes a fist*

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The one saving grace for this house: in their study on Santa (four of 'em), they remembered to include drunk Santa.

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On the one hand, the fuck.

On the other, there’s strategy… we gotta give it to them. They went for it, they went above and beyond, we can’t look away, and they made a castle work with Santa and laser beams. Amen.

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You care enough about your home to put up Christmas lights. Some of you will do a nice, tasteful job. Some of you will fail. Either way, we’ll be here, watching, judging… It’s what we do.