Tyler..

proud queer trans man | he/him | 20 | queer history and media fanatic

[ty1er-with-a-sword]

Boyno Duckies

(Hey Dears)

About Me

⭐︎ I'm Tyler ⭐︎

I’m a 20 y/o gay trans man (he/him) born and living on Wurunjeri land (Naarm, Australia)

Currently studying archaeology with a focus on Indigeous Australian archaeology :)

Finding queer joy and pride through queer history, that I sometimes convert into art (insta account here)

Lowk trying to revive Polari (a gay slang language used in the 20th century, derived from Italian, Cockney Rhyming slang and Yiddish)

Passions

Queer History:

Lou Sullivan (and other transmasc historical figures)

AIDS Crisis

Polari

Lavander Scare

Harvey Milk

Keith Haring

Stonewall

Ballroom (both past and present)

Queer liberation in general

Real specific shit (eg. Homonopolis - a monopoly adaptation set around Amsterdam’s 80s/90s cruising scene)

Queer Media:

Fellow Travelers

I Saw The TV Glow

All of Us Strangers

The Boys in The Band

Brokeback Mountain

Paris is Burning

What is This Blog?

Uhhh, tbh I’m not sure yet. I’m gonna let the dopamine and random thoughts/opinions guide me. feel free to follow of any of this appeals to you xx

[ty1er-with-a-sword]

I can never be a man until my body is whole and I can use it freely and without shame. I may appear in all outwards ways to be a man and I may feel in my heart all that a man feels, yet my spirit is hampered and my dreams of being a whole man will always be just dreams... I will always have to backdown.. my shortcomings will always be a factor. I remembered having wondered if I COULD "live a lie" — I do not mean that I am not a man, that my living as a man is a lie. I mean that I cannot even fool myself when I stand face-to-face with another man and he is full of pride + privilege + confidence that has been his birthright. Or is it all a lie? Is male pride + confidence only a front to protect them, and inside they envy my passivity?

- Lou Sullivan (1983)

This diary entry has been running around in my head lately. It articulates the phase of accepting yourself as a man while coming to terms with the differences you'll always face with cis men. being trans men doesn't make us less male than cis men, but it does come with a different experience. We can feel identically to them but the foundation of that feeling is altered.

Theres a sense of effortlessness and ease that seems to radiate of cis men, this pride + privilege + confidence that Lou talks about. Lou's distress over not possessing this is so relatable. So often I find myself craving it, it's a deep ache that's eased over time but used to fester in me and still sometimes persists. But maybe I've got it twisted. Maybe we're the ones they envy. Our passivity, our insight, our deep understanding of ourselves. Our maleness didn't come with a birthright or with ease, we had to sculpt it. I think there's something sacred and powerful in that that not many cis men will ever achieve.

This shift to gratitude over my trans experience is genuinely something that's shocked me over the past few months. I thought pride and love for my trans experience was unachievable when I too wondered if I could "live a lie", but gratitude hadn't even crossed my mind until I was struck with it recently. And with rereading Lou's diaries I'm finding it in him too, even 40, 50 years ago.

[ty1er-with-a-sword]

I'm delighted also that you are finding (getting in touch with) your feminine side. You got it, kid. You can move easily between the genders, IF YOU KEEP COOL and don't worry or brood. Accept yourself for where YOU are. Don't worry about trying to be someone else. You are unique and beautiful. Being true to yourself isn't easy for anyone, but if you can keep from rollercoaster heights and depths of emotions (which I think you do well) - if you can understand that life is a constant battle and that being truly human calls for some pain as well as joy to allow for growth. If you can learn patience - real growth as a human is slow - you will find all the things you are and achieve much of what you want. Those of us who love you don't doubt for a moment that you can! - that you will!

- Eldon Murray to Lou Sullivan, Written by Lou Sullivan (1978)

Some words of wisdom from the late Eldon Murray. There is no gay liberation without trans liberation. Queer people from all walks of life need to stick together and establish community, for ourselves and each other. I love this letter because it shows such support and pride from a cis man to a trans man, in the 70s no less.

[ty1er-with-a-sword]

Polari Dictionary (pt.2)

The origins of Polari are hard to pinpoint, although an earlier 'dialect' known as Parlyaree was used in the 19th century. Parlyaree arose between travelling entertainers (circus and fairground performers, actors, etc.) and other related stigmatised groups like buskers and prostitutes. These groups of people were outcast from the general public due to their taboo nature and therefore Parlyaree was born in order for these people to converse safely and secretly.

Source: Fantabulosa - a Dictionary of Polari and Gay Slang (2004) by Paul Baker

[clabart]

felt a bit political recently, so painting over the david i thought of this idea and so there it is!

[ty1er-with-a-sword]

Polari Dictionary (pt.1)

Polari was a secret gay slang language used mostly in Britain during the early-mid 20th century. The way it was used ranged from an integrated from of slang where only key Polari words were used to disguise someones queer intensions, to heavier usage that nearly resembled an entirely new language. The main demographic of Polari speakers were drag queens, transfems, Romani people lesbians and effeminate gay men.

Source: Fantabulosa - a Dictionary of Polari and Gay Slang (2004) by Paul Baker

[suchcrispwhimsy]

How bona to varda your dolly eek, heart-face.

[frottingtogether]

Back at it again with the forcemasc. Feed your soul and live to see another day. DIY OR DIE.

[ty1er-with-a-sword]

Polari Dictionary (pt.1)

Polari was a secret gay slang language used mostly in Britain during the early-mid 20th century. The way it was used ranged from an integrated from of slang where only key Polari words were used to disguise someones queer intensions, to heavier usage that nearly resembled an entirely new language. The main demographic of Polari speakers were drag queens, transfems, Romani people lesbians and effeminate gay men.

Source: Fantabulosa - a Dictionary of Polari and Gay Slang (2004) by Paul Baker

[ty1er-with-a-sword]

Trans tape tabs are a trans man's trail

[ty1er-with-a-sword]

"It's true," I observe, "that gender is more of a seterotype than a reality. There are all shades of gender within each person. Many of us know that"

- John Bryan's interview with Steve Dain (1976)

I remember reading this news article a few years ago and I was so dumbfounded at the ease and acceptance portrayed by John Bryan. We really have always existed, don't let anyone tell you that trans or non-binary identities are new, because that is so far from the truth and "many of us know that".

[ty1er-with-a-sword]

... I thought you a God-send...

... All this time I have fantasized switching over, but in the past several months I cannot rid myself of the intense desire to do so...

... there aren't a hell of a lot of F-Ms around...

... please know that just being made aware you exist has made me feel less a screwball...

- Lou Sullivan letter to Steve Dain (1976)

Just the thought there was someone else like me!

I re-read it over + over, stared enchanted at the picture. He was so so beautiful. I felt as tho I were seeing myself

- Lou Sullivan (1976)

Reading though Lou Sullivan's diaries and I found these passages from where he became aware of Steve Dain's existence, when Steve's employment at Emery High School was being challenged. Steve Dain was the first trans man that Lou Sullivan was introduced to, despite him essentially identifying as such for years prior.

His reaction is a parallel to my reaction upon finding Lou Sullivan, especially that final passage "I felt as tho I were seeing myself".

Quotes sourced from Transgender Digital Archives and snippets can be read from We Both Laughted in Pleasure (2019)

[ty1er-with-a-sword]

I just want a mastectomy + to get sterilized + continue living this half + half life. I don't feel this surgery would make me a better man or woman, but I know it would make me a better person. I don't believe I can successfully live as a man or as a woman. But I have to do all I can to live comfortably + this surgery would do that. I have never felt so sure of that than I do now

- Lou Sullivan (1976)

quote sourced from Transgender Digital Archive and We Both Laughed in Pleasure (2019)

[ty1er-with-a-sword]

I wanna look like what I am but don't know what someone like me looks like. I mean, when people look at me I want them to think - there's one of those people that reasons, that is a philosopher, that has their own interpretation of happiness. That's what I am.

- Lou Sullivan, 196? (probably 1966)

I love this quote so much. There's a reason it's one of his most popular. It encapsulates being trans so well without mentioning the distressing side of it. Defining it with happiness as a central theme.

quote sourced from We Both Laughed in Pleasure (2019)

[codenamekemi]

I can’t stress enough that if you liked Heated Rivalry, you NEED to watch Fellow Travelers. I’ll keep screaming it from the rooftops until we get a Fellow Travelers renaissance or until my voice gives out.

It’s on Paramount+ if you have it

BUT if you’re not watching Heated Rivalry thru HBOMAX then ik you know how to find a way to watch it.

it’s so good I watched it with my sister like 7 mo ago and we still gush abt it to this day

And yes of course there are sex scenes!! There are explicit sex scenes and some of them are kinky lwk, and you will see bare booties. The sex scenes are very explicit.

PLEAAAAAASE WATCH IT PLEASE IM BEGGING YOU ALL TO PLEASE WATCH FELLOW TRAVELERS IT’S SO GOOD JONATHAN BAILEY AND MATT BOMER ACTED THEIR FRICKING ASSES OFF IT’S SO GOOD WATCH IT

[whichcouldmeanothing]

HEATED RIVALRY Episode 1 "Rookies" FELLOW TRAVELERS Episode 1 "You're Wonderful"

[half-an-hour-hence]

When people say they dislike Hawk I lose my mind. Is he selfish as fuck? Yes of course. Did he do questionable things that hurt other people? Yes he did.

But can we talk about how he loved someone before, how that someone literally DIED trying to stay close to him, and how incredibly guilty he would’ve felt about that? Can we entertain the possibility of Hawk being reluctant to love someone again in case the same thing happened?

Can we simultaneously talk about how his father found out about his relationship with this other man, disowned him, cut him out of the will, and ridiculed him until the day he died? Can we THEN talk about how his mother told Hawk he could apologise to his father for being who he was in order to be put back in the will, only for his father to talk to him like he was worth less than the shit on the bottom of his shoe and being forced to apologise for causing such an ‘inconvenience’?

And if that’s not enough, he’s got people he knows being fired from their jobs, ostracised from their family and friends, admitted to hospitals to have electroconvulsive therapy to be ‘cured’, and even going as far as to commit suicide because their sexualities have been discovered by people who think it’s disgusting and wrong. Hawk’s surrounded by this group of powerful people who wish to see people like him dead. There’s absolutely no way he’s going to raise his hand and admit that he is gay when he’s witnessed how people are punished for it. Nobody would - not when society was this oppressive and full of hatred towards queer people.

I cannot fathom the amount of fear that must’ve been controlling him, and the constant battle he must’ve been having within himself over what he wanted and what he could realistically have. He is not the villain here. The true evil is the views of society at the time. Hawk is a victim of his circumstances, and I will die on this hill.

[ty1er-with-a-sword]

Hawk strongly correlated queer love with death, both in a broader and personal sense.

He grew up during WWII where chemical castration and electroshock therapy were commonly used on gay people. This wave of homophobia bled into US politics which fuelled the eradication of queer people in parliament (Lavender Scare and McCarthyism), and as we saw in the series also caused high suicide rates. That being followed by the AIDS crisis and the horrific deaths not just in illness but in mass too. How the US governments ignorance (and that's a generous term) escalated these deaths.

That's not even mentioning Hawks personal battles with losing Kenny, Jackson and finally Tim. No wonder he pushed Tim away. To Hawk, love = death, and Hawk didn't want Tim to die.

Yes Hawk fucked up time and time again. But hind-sight is 20-20. I can't help but imagine the regret he felt when he saw Tim's quilt. Because after decades of never admitting his love out loud, thinking it'd save him, Tim died anyway.

[poltergeiszt]

and i will never sleep again • this night has opened my eyes - the smiths