Planeamentos e Contratempos

desabafos | histórias | solidão | despedidas

[udontbelieveanymore]

E foi assim que eu percebi.

Why do all good things come to an end?

Realmente o fogo virou cinza.. pó. Tal como eu.

Prendam-me. Sim, assim não tenho que ser a má da fita por deixar de falar.

Matem-me. Exacto! Assim pode ser que não se julgue tanto a minha desistência.

Done.

[udontbelieveanymore]

Eu tentei...a sério que eu tentei.

Mas é mais forte do que eu.

Eu sou sempre isto.

Vou sempre sofrer.

Tudo volta ao mesmo.

Eu estrago tudo.

[udontbelieveanymore]

Eu não quero ouvir falar de amor

O amor deixa-me angustiada, enjoada e nervosa

Talvez porque não sei o que é

Talvez porque tenho medo do que representa

Eu não consigo mais lutar para alcançar o que tanto me dizem para tentar

Estou cansada

Preciso de parar

Preciso de descansar

Quero deixar de tentar... Quero deixar de lutar

Assim posso deixar de magoar, desiludir e manipular

[udontbelieveanymore]

Não esperes que eu sorria.

Não esperes que eu seja amorosa.

Não esperes atenção.

Não esperes carinho.

Não esperes palavras.

Não contes com olhares, com afectos, com amor.

Não contes comigo.

[borderlinebubbles]

[borderlinebubbles]

[borderlinebubbles]

[borderlinebubbles]

[borderlinebubbles]

[shekilledmyheart]

[divineyote-deactivated20151104]

Borderline Personality Disorder isn’t being cute and ‘clingy’ and ‘adorably needy’. Being with (romantic or otherwise) someone with BPD isn’t akin to taking care of a pet. BPD isn’t an ‘aw it’s so endearing that they need me so badly’ type of thing. 

BPD is a mental illness that is a conglomeration of several different tendencies and it’s not easy to diagnose. You don’t just decide you have it, just like you don’t decide you’re depressed because you had a bad  day, or you don’t decide you’re bipolar because your mood changes quickly sometimes. Believe  me, you don’t want it.

BPD is turning nothing into everything, is knowing you’re being irrational and not being able to stop regardless, is suppressing breakdowns for fear of being abusive or of manipulating the person you’re talking to into having to take care of you when they really don’t want to.

It’s thinking someone doesn’t care about you anymore because they made a new friend. It’s automatically registering new people as a threat. It’s a fear of abandonment and rejection that’s damn near omnipresent. It’s being able to shift from ‘I love you so much!’ to ‘I don’t give a fuck, I hate you, I don’t even want to talk to you’ and back at the drop of a hat.

It’s finding identity in a drastic hair change, and then feeling unsafe and desperately trying to fix it before you have to go out. It’s seeing someone you adore and trying to emulate them because you have no idea who you are. It’s waking up and trying to be a new person every day. Go vegan, go goth, go hipster, go glamour, cut your hair, change your makeup, gain weight, lose weight, and never feel quite there. Ever.

It’s comprehending ‘love’ as ‘pity’ and wanting to rip yourself apart if their tone is all too casual when your friend or love interest is returning compliments or affection. It’s regretting saying anything about your mood and desperately trying to turn the conversation around while simultaneously NEEDING to get it out. It’s wanting to bleed yourself dry as opposed to cry in someone’s arms because, at least then, they don’t have to clean your wounds for you. They won’t hate you. They won’t be annoyed. 

It’s the constant battle, every time you get upset, of, “Is this worth being sad about? Is it worth talking about? What is more abusive, talking about this or hiding it? If I tell them I’ll bring them down and I’ll guilt trip them and they will resent me and it will all be my fault. If I don’t, I’m a disgusting liar, I’m manipulative, I’m untrustworthy.”

It’s wondering if you’re faking your symptoms. It’s disassociating and feeling like a ghost for days. It’s feeling like you aren’t real, and then wishing you weren’t. It’s fear, a lack of self, and about a million different thoughts running through your head at all times. It’s trying to live for the people you love as opposed to yourself. It’s feeling suicidal and then feeling bad for feeling suicidal because, whoops, you’re being manipulative. 

[theprincessandthebpd]

bpd things should talk about more

sooooo i haven’t seen a lot of posts about these symptoms (i use this loosely, i am not a doctor) but these are some things I experience, let’s chat

• hearing voices

• feeling as you though you have another “personality”

• BLACKING OUT when dissociating

• how bad the anger gets…how it burns; wanting to destroy and rip everything to shreds

• the guilt for the things you say/do when you think you’re about to be abandoned

• doing everything to avoid disappointing someone you care about bc they will leave you

[lifeisshortandyouarebeautiful-d]

You met me when I was good. Don’t leave me now that I’m not.

[tempusedax-rerum]

my intrusive thoughts

who am i?

i hate you

i don’t deserve to be alive

i want to die

🔪🔪 🔪

i want to go home (i am home??)

fat ugly stupid

i should kill myself

something is wrong

[demondazeee]

To my BPD and depression, could you please stop pushing people out of my life....

[faceless7]

it's just one of those nights where you cry to sleep, bawling your eyes out and wetting your pillow with tears. not knowing where and when things go wrong in your life.

[udontbelieveanymore]

Já não sei o que me faz bem.

Já não sei o que me poderia fazer feliz.

Talvez nada.

Sinto que tudo me sufoca.

Quero me perder e não me encontrar... para deixar de sentir. Deixar de ter. Deixar de ser.

Alguém me que leve para longe de mim.

Alguém que finalmente termine com isto.

Alguém que me sufoque até ao fim.