‧₊˚ jngwn⋆.˚

浮世ꕤ｡˚⋆

[ukiyoux]

꒰ྀི১ intro ໒꒱ིྀ

.☘︎ ݁˖ 𝚞𝚔𝚒𝚢𝚘 ⋆˚࿔ 08 : she / her...˚.นk ᵎᵎ infj ‧˚꒰🐾୭ ˚. ᵎᵎ

ᝰ.ᐟ𝕗𝕚𝕔𝕤 𝕗𝕠𝕣 𝕖𝕟𝕙𝕪𝕡𝕖𝕟 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕟𝕔𝕥𝕨𝕚𝕤𝕙 ༘⋆ 𝚏𝚕𝚞𝚏𝚏 & 𝚊𝚗𝚐𝚜𝚝 ── .✦ 𝓡eqs closed

CURRENTLY NOT POSTING ON THIS ACCOUNT! if you would like to see more of my works for enha go here ( @yumehoonie )

✦•┈๑⋅⋯ ⋯⋅๑┈•✦ °‧🫧⋆.ೃ࿔*:･ ✦•┈๑⋅⋯ ⋯⋅๑┈•✦

all interactions from my main account @preachersdaughterx

𝄞 other blogs are @preachersdaughterx ,@yumehoonie and @parchmentandpotionsx

[yumehoonie]

TEXTS WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND - jake

pairing ~ noidol!jake x f!reader {💬- 9}

genre ~ smau, fluff, niki cameo.

ִֶָ. ..𓂃 ࣪ ִֶָ ʚଓ་༘࿐

please do not respost, plagiarise, or translate my work - ©yumehoonie

[yumehoonie]

TEXTS WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND - NI-KI

pairing ~ nonidol!niki x f!reader {💬 - 7}

genre ~ smau, fluff, Jake cameo

────﹒♡﹒────

please do not repost, plagiarise, or translate my work - ©yumehoonie

[yumehoonie]

TEXTS WITH YOUR BF - jungwon ‧₊˚🍊༉‧₊˚.

pairing ~ nonidol!jungwon x f!reader {💬 - 15}

genre ~ smau, fluff, strangers to more

· · ────── ꒰ঌ·✦·໒꒱ ────── · ·

please do not repost, plagiarise, or translate any of my work - ©yumehoonie

[yumehoonie]

TEXTS WITH YOUR BF - sunghoon

pairing ~ idol!sunghoon x f!reader {💬- 10}

genre ~ smau, fluff, sunghoon cameo

· · ────── ꒰ঌ·✦·໒꒱ ────── · ·

please do not repost, plagiarise or translate any of my work - ©yumehoonie

I'm praying that this is entertaining enough

[ukiyoux]

᭝ ᨳଓ ՟love manicure - Fujinaga Sakuya ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

ꕤ warnings: just pure fluff!! friends to more/lovers

ꕤ word count: 1.2k

ꕤ authors note: it took me so long to get to this ask sorry mimi 🥹 but here you go, also thank you for helping me think of a title!! i had a lot of fun writing it. It’ll probably be my last fic for a while (i say this and then i’ll end up writing something else). This was the cutest idea evaaa. (for @ikigaijo)

*ੈ✩‧₊˚currently listening: affection - between friends*ੈ✩‧₊˚

.☘︎ ݁˖あしたの　じぶんを　すこしだけ　よくする .☘︎ ݁˖

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

Colourful bottles of nail polish were strewn across the carpet in your living room, Sakuya had barged into your apartment early that morning begging you to paint his nails. He had made himself at home on your couch, his pink hoodie and shoes thrown on the floor, he was laid out across the cushions, blankets piled on top of him. All you could really see was his face poking out of a small hole he had made to watch you walk around. Sakuya and you had been friends since you were kids, you spent every day together, never tiring of one another's company. He was there for you through breakups, through fallouts, through family issues, he was your rock. 

Sakuya was giggling under his blankets, the volume on his phone blasting through the apartment. You had to finish some chores before you could sit with him so you left him be, you had just finished some dishes and brought him a small mug of green tea. He gave you a small groan as a thank you and went back to whatever he was watching. 

You did your chores for about another forty five minutes before you were finally done and could spend time with Sakuya. He was still glued to his phone, the green tea you had given him was untouched still sitting on the side table you had placed it on. “I spent hours brewing this for you” you joked sarcastically, Sakuya looked up from his phone and rolled his eyes, a gentle tug at the corner of his lips. You started pulling on his legs, “move over Sakuya!” you squealed. He locked up his legs, trying hard to make sure you couldn’t sit down. Sakuya acted just like an annoying child, he was annoying and did everything in his power to piss you off, but he always always made sure that you were okay, no matter what. He was a gentleman but would still be a young boy at heart in the way he acted and what he liked.

Finally he gave in, he moved his legs and let you sit down next to him. He threw the blankets covering him over you and moved in closer. “So, what do you wanna do today?” 

- - -

You two had been sitting around for a few hours, just on the couch talking. Sakuya had been rambling out something for a while and you had zoned out. “y/n?... y/nnnnn?” he waved his hand in front of your face “are you even listening to me?” he pouted in that mocking way, he kept frantically waving his hand. “Yes, yes i was listening” you rolled your eyes at him and flashed a false innocent smile. Sakuya folded his arms across his chest and continued pouting, “yea, right. What did I just say?” His tone was interrogational and stern, but it didn't last for long. Within seconds he had burst into laughter right in your face. “You looked so serious y/n, chill out.” Tears were bubbling at his eyes as he clenched his stomach. “Whatever!” you had joined him in his manic laughter. Both of you holding your sides and hitting one another. 

You two had finally started to calm down after what felt like an eternity of laughing, when Sakuya springs up from the couch “ok paint my nails now!!” he demands, you throw him an expectant look waiting for a please. He realises and folds his arms again, “fine… please or whatever” you motion for him to sit on the floor. He does as he's told and sits on a small, pink floor cushion. You open up the double doors across the room and let the warm summer breeze flow into the apartment. The delicate, crystalline sounds of the glass windchimes outside filled the air. You sat down next to Sakuya and you two started to choose the colours.

- - -

You had just finished his first hand when Sakuya pulled away. You looked up at him, confusion spreading across your face. You tried to pull his hand back but he wouldn't let you. He looked nervous. “Sakuya? What?” you raised your eyebrows at him and tried again to pull his hand back. “Y/n..” his voice was shaky, he looked terrified. He had gone silent after a few minutes of you painting his nails, but you just put it down to him being calm, this seemed more serious. “Sakuya, you're making me nervous, what?” he wasn't looking at you, he was staring at the floor. “Y/n, i love you…” his gaze finally met yours, his cheeks were bright pink. “Well yea i love you too idiot, what are you acting like this for.” You were so confused, he was acting so strange. You placed the brush back into its bottle and screwed the lid on. “No like… I love you. I don't want to just be friends anymore, I want to be more than that. I love the time that we spend together, the way you talk to me and the way I get to listen. But I want to be able to do all of this as more than friends, I want to be able to do this as your boyfriend… if that's something that you would want of course?” you didn't know what to say, you had no idea he felt this way. He was saying what you had wanted to hear for years, the way he cared for you and loved you had given you this desire to be more than friends and maybe it was finally happening. “I… uh… YES, oh my god you have no idea how long I've been waiting for you to ask that Sakuya.” You threw yourself into his arms, wrapping yours tightly around his neck. You could feel his heart racing, how cute. “Really?” he still sounded so nervous, as if he was still waiting for a genuine response. “Yes, really idiot.” you gave him a big stupid smile and hugged him again, pulling him closer. He brought one of his hands up to the back of your head and stroked your hair gently. 

The childish boy who was here no more than an hour ago had disappeared and was replaced with this gentle and loving one, even though he still was childish it was different now. Sakuya pressed his lips into the side of your head, “i love you so much Y/n, more than I can ever say” he sounded somewhat tearful. “I love you too, Sakuya, to the moon.” 

You two stayed there for a while, in one another's arms. The both of you didn't want the moment to end.

- - - 

Sakuya pulled away, his face had gone serious again, “ok, enough of that. My nails need finishing.” you burst out laughing and he joined in. His hand cupped your face and he planted a kiss on your lips, his were soft and tasted of strawberry. You leant in to the kiss, not wanting to pull away. He broke it first, “ok but seriously can we finish my nails now please?” he pouted at you again, pleadingly. “We can do this as much as you would like later I promise.” His eyes were gentle and playful. You nodded in agreement, before grabbing his hand back and started to paint again.

[ukiyoux]

anddd it’s flopping, i’m lowkey gonna give up on nct wish fics cause they don’t do as well and i work like twice as hard on them 🥹

[ukiyoux]

i probably won’t have another fic out until the weekend sorry!! I have an exam on friday and have a lot going on rn so i just wanna sort my mindset out and then i’ll go back to writing (i say this to my 31 followers but still) Anyway, thank you for understanding. I’ll still be active tho sooo any reqs or anything i’ll still see (also not that i get those but yea).

[zhaomoji]

TEXTS WITH YOUR BF juhoon

──── pairing nonidol!juhoon x f!reader [💬 - 7] genre smau, fluff, comedy

─────────────────────────

⭑.ᐟ for the glorious @ukiyoux

please do not repost, plagiarise or translate any of my work — ©zhaomoji

[ukiyoux]

i’m so happy omg 🥹

[ukiyoux]

᭝ ᨳଓ ՟love manicure - Fujinaga Sakuya ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

ꕤ warnings: just pure fluff!! friends to more/lovers

ꕤ word count: 1.2k

ꕤ authors note: it took me so long to get to this ask sorry mimi 🥹 but here you go, also thank you for helping me think of a title!! i had a lot of fun writing it. It’ll probably be my last fic for a while (i say this and then i’ll end up writing something else). This was the cutest idea evaaa. (for @ikigaijo)

*ੈ✩‧₊˚currently listening: affection - between friends*ੈ✩‧₊˚

.☘︎ ݁˖あしたの　じぶんを　すこしだけ　よくする .☘︎ ݁˖

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

Colourful bottles of nail polish were strewn across the carpet in your living room, Sakuya had barged into your apartment early that morning begging you to paint his nails. He had made himself at home on your couch, his pink hoodie and shoes thrown on the floor, he was laid out across the cushions, blankets piled on top of him. All you could really see was his face poking out of a small hole he had made to watch you walk around. Sakuya and you had been friends since you were kids, you spent every day together, never tiring of one another's company. He was there for you through breakups, through fallouts, through family issues, he was your rock. 

Sakuya was giggling under his blankets, the volume on his phone blasting through the apartment. You had to finish some chores before you could sit with him so you left him be, you had just finished some dishes and brought him a small mug of green tea. He gave you a small groan as a thank you and went back to whatever he was watching. 

You did your chores for about another forty five minutes before you were finally done and could spend time with Sakuya. He was still glued to his phone, the green tea you had given him was untouched still sitting on the side table you had placed it on. “I spent hours brewing this for you” you joked sarcastically, Sakuya looked up from his phone and rolled his eyes, a gentle tug at the corner of his lips. You started pulling on his legs, “move over Sakuya!” you squealed. He locked up his legs, trying hard to make sure you couldn’t sit down. Sakuya acted just like an annoying child, he was annoying and did everything in his power to piss you off, but he always always made sure that you were okay, no matter what. He was a gentleman but would still be a young boy at heart in the way he acted and what he liked.

Finally he gave in, he moved his legs and let you sit down next to him. He threw the blankets covering him over you and moved in closer. “So, what do you wanna do today?” 

- - -

You two had been sitting around for a few hours, just on the couch talking. Sakuya had been rambling out something for a while and you had zoned out. “y/n?... y/nnnnn?” he waved his hand in front of your face “are you even listening to me?” he pouted in that mocking way, he kept frantically waving his hand. “Yes, yes i was listening” you rolled your eyes at him and flashed a false innocent smile. Sakuya folded his arms across his chest and continued pouting, “yea, right. What did I just say?” His tone was interrogational and stern, but it didn't last for long. Within seconds he had burst into laughter right in your face. “You looked so serious y/n, chill out.” Tears were bubbling at his eyes as he clenched his stomach. “Whatever!” you had joined him in his manic laughter. Both of you holding your sides and hitting one another. 

You two had finally started to calm down after what felt like an eternity of laughing, when Sakuya springs up from the couch “ok paint my nails now!!” he demands, you throw him an expectant look waiting for a please. He realises and folds his arms again, “fine… please or whatever” you motion for him to sit on the floor. He does as he's told and sits on a small, pink floor cushion. You open up the double doors across the room and let the warm summer breeze flow into the apartment. The delicate, crystalline sounds of the glass windchimes outside filled the air. You sat down next to Sakuya and you two started to choose the colours.

- - -

You had just finished his first hand when Sakuya pulled away. You looked up at him, confusion spreading across your face. You tried to pull his hand back but he wouldn't let you. He looked nervous. “Sakuya? What?” you raised your eyebrows at him and tried again to pull his hand back. “Y/n..” his voice was shaky, he looked terrified. He had gone silent after a few minutes of you painting his nails, but you just put it down to him being calm, this seemed more serious. “Sakuya, you're making me nervous, what?” he wasn't looking at you, he was staring at the floor. “Y/n, i love you…” his gaze finally met yours, his cheeks were bright pink. “Well yea i love you too idiot, what are you acting like this for.” You were so confused, he was acting so strange. You placed the brush back into its bottle and screwed the lid on. “No like… I love you. I don't want to just be friends anymore, I want to be more than that. I love the time that we spend together, the way you talk to me and the way I get to listen. But I want to be able to do all of this as more than friends, I want to be able to do this as your boyfriend… if that's something that you would want of course?” you didn't know what to say, you had no idea he felt this way. He was saying what you had wanted to hear for years, the way he cared for you and loved you had given you this desire to be more than friends and maybe it was finally happening. “I… uh… YES, oh my god you have no idea how long I've been waiting for you to ask that Sakuya.” You threw yourself into his arms, wrapping yours tightly around his neck. You could feel his heart racing, how cute. “Really?” he still sounded so nervous, as if he was still waiting for a genuine response. “Yes, really idiot.” you gave him a big stupid smile and hugged him again, pulling him closer. He brought one of his hands up to the back of your head and stroked your hair gently. 

The childish boy who was here no more than an hour ago had disappeared and was replaced with this gentle and loving one, even though he still was childish it was different now. Sakuya pressed his lips into the side of your head, “i love you so much Y/n, more than I can ever say” he sounded somewhat tearful. “I love you too, Sakuya, to the moon.” 

You two stayed there for a while, in one another's arms. The both of you didn't want the moment to end.

- - - 

Sakuya pulled away, his face had gone serious again, “ok, enough of that. My nails need finishing.” you burst out laughing and he joined in. His hand cupped your face and he planted a kiss on your lips, his were soft and tasted of strawberry. You leant in to the kiss, not wanting to pull away. He broke it first, “ok but seriously can we finish my nails now please?” he pouted at you again, pleadingly. “We can do this as much as you would like later I promise.” His eyes were gentle and playful. You nodded in agreement, before grabbing his hand back and started to paint again.

[ukiyoux]

ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆ restless - yang Jungwon⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡

ꕤ warnings: angst!! mentions of blood, arguing. I think that's it (I hope)

ꕤ word count: 1.46k

ꕤ authors note: kinda made myself cry while writing this, the music I was listening to probably didn't help but oh well. I've never written full angst before so wanted to try, I do think it could have been better but oh well! I left it on a sort of cliffhanger, and I guess it's up to whoever reads this to decide how you want to end it? I knew it was gonna be hard for me to write something cheery and lovey dovey with the mood I was in so I'm leaving it up to you!! I hope you all enjoy and all support is greatly appreciated! ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶

˚⊱🪷⊰˚ currently listening to: ordinary things - ariana grande ˚⊱🪷⊰˚

Arguing between Jungwon and you was rare, but when it did happen they were on a whole other level. Screaming, crying, slamming doors, the whole thing. It was messy to say the least. You hated it. You two had argued early hours of that morning, it was about something stupid and you couldn’t even really remember what. He was screaming at you out of frustration from something he caused and you just screamed back, he kept just adding more in, telling you that you weren't doing enough, and that he tried the hardest in the relationship. That hurt. You gave your all to this relationship, he was your world and you did everything for him. You didn't understand how he could say such things. 

He had left for work angry, and you had left crying, what a way to start the day. 

- - -

Work was grueling, you wanted nothing more than to just go home and sleep for the rest of the day. Your emotions were running high, you were tired and had a headache from all of the shouting. You were worried about Jungwon, he never took these things well. You knew he would probably go out after work, go drinking, try to clear his head, but if anything that just riled him up more. He would come home screaming yet again about something until you would finally manage to calm him down and you two could have a civil conversation and sort it out. You were the peacemaker, and honestly you were dreading it. 

Your lunch break finally came around, you got up from your desk and headed to the small communal kitchen. It was quiet, the ringing of phones and constant background chatter finally stopping. Peace and quiet, just what you needed. You sat at the small circular table in the corner of the room with your lunch, it wasn't much, just something you had to throw together this morning. It was boring, you missed Jungwon, you hated fighting with him but he could just be so angry that you had no choice but to fight fire with fire. You kept telling yourself that he didn't mean the things that he said but he was starting to make that hard to believe. You wanted things to be civil again, but you knew it would take a while. You had zoned out, just thinking about him, thinking about how he held you, how he would kiss your forehead and call you sweet names. Junwon could be like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde sometimes, he had this angry side that just came out of nowhere and would blow everything up. You just had to give him time, and then maybe he would come around again.

- - -

The house was quiet, each room dark and empty. You had no idea when Jungwon would be home and to be honest you weren't even betting on him coming home. All you could do was get on with your evening. You threw off your heels and chucked them into your wardrobe, and then your blazer, your suit trousers and finally your blouse. You grabbed your pajamas from under your pillow and changed. It felt good to be home, no matter how empty or quiet, you could finally sit in your thoughts without a disturbance. 

Time passed painfully slowly, Jungwon still wasn't home. It was 9pm and then 10pm. You started to worry, he was probably at a bar but that feeling that he would do something stupid ate away at you. You watched the clock until you couldn't stay awake anymore, your tears made your headache insufferable. You just couldn't take it, you couldn't understand why he would do this to you knowing how much you would worry. This was his way of being petty and it was just cruel, he knew that and yet still he did it. Whatever, he didn't deserve your worry. You stood up from the sofa and headed towards the bathroom to get ready for bed. 

The front door was pushed open angrily, Jungwon, you spin around immediately. “I was so worried” you ran towards him “where have you b…” he doesn't let you finish before he pushes straight past you and barges into the bedroom, slamming the door behind him. You just stood there, mouth open in shock. That stung, you didn’t think he could get any crueler but you were proven wrong. 

- - -

You stared into the mirror in the bathroom, more silence. You picked up your toothbrush and started brushing, you pressed harder, and harder without really realising until you spat out the toothpaste and it was tainted with red, blood streaking though the white foam. The tang of metal filled your mouth, and you quickly washed it away with water. This was destroying you, he had never been this bad before. Normally he would come home and you two could talk about it, but something was different, he wouldn’t shake it off and he was letting it get between you two. 

He lay on his side of the bed, practically falling off the side. He couldn’t get any further away from you if he tried. Another sting. He was doing this just to hurt you and you had no idea why, he had started the argument that morning, he was the one shouting about nothing, he was the one yelling hurtful things, this was because of him and yet you were taking the brunt of the pain. It wasn’t fair.  

You slipped into bed, the sheets were cold and unwelcoming, you couldn’t even feel Jungwon’s warmth. 

Warm, salty tears slipped down your cheeks. You tried to stay as quiet as you could so as not to wake him, but occasionally your breathing would catch and you would make that stifling sound like choking. 

You watched the clock, the hours dragged on 1am, 2am, 3am. You still hadn’t slept, you still hadn’t stopped crying. 

Jungwon stirred, his breathing quickened, “y/n?” his tone was worried, he moved closer to you and flicked on the light on the bedside table, he touched your arm gently. His hands were warm against the coldness of your skin. You didn’t answer him, “Y/n? Baby?” he tried to get you to face him, you pulled against him. He didn't suddenly get to play hero after the hurt he had caused you all evening, you didn't want to give him that satisfaction, he deserved to hurt the way you had hurt. But all you really wanted was from him to hold you, to kiss your forehead and brush your hair out of your face, for him to whisper in your ear that it will all be ok and that he’s sorry. “baby please talk to me, look i’m sorry… I was angry?” his voice was breaking, you scoffed,

“...how dare you Jungwon, I wanted nothing more than for us to talk it out and yet you wouldn’t even acknowledge me.” your tears caught in your throat, “you don’t get to suddenly act like you care when it suits you. It's not fair” you still didn’t turn to look at him. “I’m sorry baby, I really am.” he was still tugging at your arm, you gave in and turned to him. Your eyes were bloodshot and sore, your face tearstreaked. His face dropped, “god baby, im so sorry, I didn't mean for it to go this far.” he held your face and wiped the tears that were running down your face, “and yet it did go this far Jungwon, and it was you that caused it to go this far.” you were blunt, you had to be. You had always been the one to resolve things and apologise even when it wasn’t your fault, you didn’t want to do it anymore. He had gone too far this time. 

You didn’t know what to say to him, he was looking at you expectantly as if you were just going to forgive him right then and there, but you couldn’t. 

After a while, you think he realised that. He didn't say anything more, he just pulled you in. You were too tired to fight him. “I'm sorry, you don’t have to say anything. We can talk in the morning…” his arms wrapped around you, warmth cascaded over your skin “please just try and sleep my love… I won’t let you go this time.”

Honestly, you didn’t know what to do. Was it finally time to let him go? Or would he really realise his errors this time? You stayed silent, you would figure this out in the morning. So for now, you let him pull you closer, you let him kiss your forehead and brush your hair out of your face, maybe for the last time.

[zhaomoji]

TEXTS WITH YOUR BF james

──── pairing nonidol!james x f!reader [💬 - 7] genre smau, fluff, comedy, insults, keonho cameo

─────────────────────────

please do not repost, plagiarise or translate any of my work — ©zhaomoji

[ukiyoux]

hiii bae it’s me again ^-^

here to request a fluff fic of sakuya where they’re hanging out (as friends? lovers? idk i choose) and reader paints his nails and it’s super cutesy putesy aw yay (˶ˆᗜˆ˵)

maybe there’s a lil kiss or something, whatever u want

LOVE U (and sakuya ♡)

THIS IS SO CUTEEE YESYESS!!

sorry it took me so long to get to this but here you gooo!! ( ⸝⸝´ ᵕ `⸝⸝)

⤷ your fic is here

[ukiyoux]

᭝ ᨳଓ ՟love manicure - Fujinaga Sakuya ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

ꕤ warnings: just pure fluff!! friends to more/lovers

ꕤ word count: 1.2k

ꕤ authors note: it took me so long to get to this ask sorry mimi 🥹 but here you go, also thank you for helping me think of a title!! i had a lot of fun writing it. It’ll probably be my last fic for a while (i say this and then i’ll end up writing something else). This was the cutest idea evaaa. (for @ikigaijo)

*ੈ✩‧₊˚currently listening: affection - between friends*ੈ✩‧₊˚

.☘︎ ݁˖あしたの　じぶんを　すこしだけ　よくする .☘︎ ݁˖

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

Colourful bottles of nail polish were strewn across the carpet in your living room, Sakuya had barged into your apartment early that morning begging you to paint his nails. He had made himself at home on your couch, his pink hoodie and shoes thrown on the floor, he was laid out across the cushions, blankets piled on top of him. All you could really see was his face poking out of a small hole he had made to watch you walk around. Sakuya and you had been friends since you were kids, you spent every day together, never tiring of one another's company. He was there for you through breakups, through fallouts, through family issues, he was your rock. 

Sakuya was giggling under his blankets, the volume on his phone blasting through the apartment. You had to finish some chores before you could sit with him so you left him be, you had just finished some dishes and brought him a small mug of green tea. He gave you a small groan as a thank you and went back to whatever he was watching. 

You did your chores for about another forty five minutes before you were finally done and could spend time with Sakuya. He was still glued to his phone, the green tea you had given him was untouched still sitting on the side table you had placed it on. “I spent hours brewing this for you” you joked sarcastically, Sakuya looked up from his phone and rolled his eyes, a gentle tug at the corner of his lips. You started pulling on his legs, “move over Sakuya!” you squealed. He locked up his legs, trying hard to make sure you couldn’t sit down. Sakuya acted just like an annoying child, he was annoying and did everything in his power to piss you off, but he always always made sure that you were okay, no matter what. He was a gentleman but would still be a young boy at heart in the way he acted and what he liked.

Finally he gave in, he moved his legs and let you sit down next to him. He threw the blankets covering him over you and moved in closer. “So, what do you wanna do today?” 

- - -

You two had been sitting around for a few hours, just on the couch talking. Sakuya had been rambling out something for a while and you had zoned out. “y/n?... y/nnnnn?” he waved his hand in front of your face “are you even listening to me?” he pouted in that mocking way, he kept frantically waving his hand. “Yes, yes i was listening” you rolled your eyes at him and flashed a false innocent smile. Sakuya folded his arms across his chest and continued pouting, “yea, right. What did I just say?” His tone was interrogational and stern, but it didn't last for long. Within seconds he had burst into laughter right in your face. “You looked so serious y/n, chill out.” Tears were bubbling at his eyes as he clenched his stomach. “Whatever!” you had joined him in his manic laughter. Both of you holding your sides and hitting one another. 

You two had finally started to calm down after what felt like an eternity of laughing, when Sakuya springs up from the couch “ok paint my nails now!!” he demands, you throw him an expectant look waiting for a please. He realises and folds his arms again, “fine… please or whatever” you motion for him to sit on the floor. He does as he's told and sits on a small, pink floor cushion. You open up the double doors across the room and let the warm summer breeze flow into the apartment. The delicate, crystalline sounds of the glass windchimes outside filled the air. You sat down next to Sakuya and you two started to choose the colours.

- - -

You had just finished his first hand when Sakuya pulled away. You looked up at him, confusion spreading across your face. You tried to pull his hand back but he wouldn't let you. He looked nervous. “Sakuya? What?” you raised your eyebrows at him and tried again to pull his hand back. “Y/n..” his voice was shaky, he looked terrified. He had gone silent after a few minutes of you painting his nails, but you just put it down to him being calm, this seemed more serious. “Sakuya, you're making me nervous, what?” he wasn't looking at you, he was staring at the floor. “Y/n, i love you…” his gaze finally met yours, his cheeks were bright pink. “Well yea i love you too idiot, what are you acting like this for.” You were so confused, he was acting so strange. You placed the brush back into its bottle and screwed the lid on. “No like… I love you. I don't want to just be friends anymore, I want to be more than that. I love the time that we spend together, the way you talk to me and the way I get to listen. But I want to be able to do all of this as more than friends, I want to be able to do this as your boyfriend… if that's something that you would want of course?” you didn't know what to say, you had no idea he felt this way. He was saying what you had wanted to hear for years, the way he cared for you and loved you had given you this desire to be more than friends and maybe it was finally happening. “I… uh… YES, oh my god you have no idea how long I've been waiting for you to ask that Sakuya.” You threw yourself into his arms, wrapping yours tightly around his neck. You could feel his heart racing, how cute. “Really?” he still sounded so nervous, as if he was still waiting for a genuine response. “Yes, really idiot.” you gave him a big stupid smile and hugged him again, pulling him closer. He brought one of his hands up to the back of your head and stroked your hair gently. 

The childish boy who was here no more than an hour ago had disappeared and was replaced with this gentle and loving one, even though he still was childish it was different now. Sakuya pressed his lips into the side of your head, “i love you so much Y/n, more than I can ever say” he sounded somewhat tearful. “I love you too, Sakuya, to the moon.” 

You two stayed there for a while, in one another's arms. The both of you didn't want the moment to end.

- - - 

Sakuya pulled away, his face had gone serious again, “ok, enough of that. My nails need finishing.” you burst out laughing and he joined in. His hand cupped your face and he planted a kiss on your lips, his were soft and tasted of strawberry. You leant in to the kiss, not wanting to pull away. He broke it first, “ok but seriously can we finish my nails now please?” he pouted at you again, pleadingly. “We can do this as much as you would like later I promise.” His eyes were gentle and playful. You nodded in agreement, before grabbing his hand back and started to paint again.

[ikigaijo]

ꫂ᭪݁ heaven - harua ᭝ ᨳଓ ՟

ꨄ︎ warnings : very angsty, a lot of bullying, poverty, mentions of parent loss, grief, religious debate, injuries, mentions of blood, kissing, major character death, suicide (TW)

ꨄ︎ word count : 7.1k

ꨄ︎ author's note : inspired by mieko kawakami’s beautiful novel of the same title. i tried to change up my writing style for this one, let me know what you think! it’s meant to be diary-esque whilst still in 3rd person…? this took a long time to write. anyways, all support is appreciated, hope you enjoy jokitties 🪽

ִֶָ. ..𓂃currently playing: fuwarin - ichiko aoba🪽་༘࿐

⠀ ⠀⠀ ⊱ ۫ ׅ ✧ 重田美琉愛ᰍ໋ ۫   ⊹ ࣪ ˖ 𖦹⠀ 𓈒 読む⸝⸝ ⟡ 

it was the first friday of april, a chilled breeze drifting in through the classroom window. unzipping your pencil case, a small, folded note fell out, landing on the wooden surface of your desk.

in delicate pencil writing, it read:

‘i want to be your friend.’

that is all it said. one simple sentence. the handwriting was small, small enough that you needed to lean closer to read it. it wasn’t a handwriting you recognised.

you glanced around the room, eyeing each of the students. checking to see if any were watching you, waiting for a reaction. but no one was looking at you. they were all busy talking, in their worlds separate from yours. you wiped your sweaty hands on your skirt, putting the piece of paper back into your pencil case, burying it under pencils and pens. it was probably a prank orchestrated by someone. it had to be.

but the notes kept coming, one hidden somewhere every day. they started appearing between book pages. taped to the underside of your desk. in the pocket of the jacket you left on the back of the chair. you couldn’t help but feel slightly cautious. who was doing this?

the notes seemed relatively harmless to your surprise, curious questions scribbled in pen, sometimes in graphite pencil.

‘do you prefer day or night?’

‘what’s your favourite colour?’

‘do you have a favourite movie?’

nothing seemed different once the notes started. that was the weird part. the girls never looked at you funny. they just continued acting as they usually do, loud and obnoxious at the back of the class. you had even checked their literature books and compared the handwriting - it wasn’t a match. it wasn’t them. you had no clue who it could be.

checking for the notes became a daily habit of yours, a step of your school mornings. the notes would always be there. but you never replied. where would you even leave them?

nearing the end of may, you received another small note from your anonymous messenger.

‘let’s talk. face to face. meet me at the swings down the street. june 3rd at 5pm.’

a small wave of anxiety washed over you again. your hands shook. what if it was the girls? what if it was a setup, and they would beat you up like they had done before? you shoved the note into your pocket, reciting the date and time in your head. maybe you should go. just in case it was real. you felt sick for the rest of the day, hands sticky with sweat.

june 3rd finally came around, and as soon as the final bell rang you shot out of the school, sprinting home to avoid bumping into any of the other kids.

when you pushed open the front door with a grunt, your father was laying on the couch, coffee mug empty in his hand. he nodded at you, a faint smile on his cracked lips.

“good day?”

“yeah.” you kicked your shoes off by the door.

“want somethin’ to eat? i think there’s some leftovers in the fridge. i can heat ‘em up.”

you hesitated before shaking your head.

“i’ll eat later. i have to go to the library quickly.”

he nodded before turning back to the television. you took the chance to get changed quickly, grabbing your jacket. you left the house at 4:30 on the dot.

you walked slowly, giving yourself time to come up with a plan if it really was a set up. you’d take the beating, apologise, shrink into a ball at their feet like you always do. but when you reached the swings, the girls weren’t there. it was shigeta harua. he was the other quiet kid in your class, the boys’ designated punching bag. he was like you.

you approached him carefully, sitting on the swing beside him. harua was short and skinny, tiny in every aspect. he was pretty pale too, despite always wearing shorts. his white school shirt was wrinkled, untucked. he seemed to have came here straight from school.

“i didn’t think you’d come.” harua said, his legs swinging slowly. you nod, forgetting he wasn’t looking at you.

“i’m glad you did, though.”

the sound of distant cars filled the beat of silence.

“sorry i never answer your letters.” you muttered, and harua looked up at you for the first time since you got here. he offered a small smile.

“it’s okay. i liked to guess what your answers would be.” 

everything went silent again.

“i want to be your friend.”

your eyes widened slightly. you weren’t surprised, you’d known that was his intention. it was just how straightforward and blunt he was.

“we can be friends, sure.”

“cool.”

the two of you sat together, gently swinging, when harua’s phone buzzed. a brief glance at the screen, and he stood up.

“i’ve gotta go.”

“oh, okay.”

“can i write you another letter?”

you nod, and so does he. that’s that, you thought.

you watched as he walked down the street. you went home ten minutes later.

---

“still poor, hm?” one of the girls teased, her nails digging into your shoulder. the others laughed, pulling your bag from your grip and rifling through your stuff. you wanted to shout, tell them to stop. but your voice never came. it never seems to, these days.

the girls in your class had always picked on you, made fun of you for your family’s money struggles. you’d told them countless times that your dad tried his best for you. but they never listened. you’re still in poverty, aren't you? they’d say. he isn’t trying hard enough.

you’d known them since you were little kids, when you had all joined kindergarten. young and unaware. oblivious to differences. your flaws didn’t exist yet. you were 10 years old when it all started. when they noticed how you skipped meals, how worn out your shoes were. 

“are you listening, idiot?” one yelled, and you were pulled from your thoughts. they were ripping your bag, emptying your belongings onto the floor. your pens and pencils. your books. your p.e. uniform. all of it, on the muddy ground.

“you really have nothing at all, huh?” the girl holding you down muttered into your ear, her voice smug. “pathetic.”

she dragged you to your feet. you were barely stood up properly when she shoved you down hard. you landed on the pile of things, the sharpened pencils stabbing into your skin. you stayed on the floor until they left. when you finally stood up, blood pricked on your knees. the stinging lasted the whole walk home.

that same evening, you decided to write back to harua. you wanted to make up for all the letters he had wrote for you, which you had never replied to.

‘the weather was pretty good today. i decided to wear a short sleeve shirt under my jacket. i had tan lines by the time i got home! i haven’t caught the sun like that since we went on vacation when i was a kid. i think i was 7. where have you been on vacation? where do you want to go in the future?’

‘my dad made me the best meal ever today. he cooked chicken and added my favourite seasoning. there were some side dishes too. i was so full after. it’s been a while since i’ve felt so full. what’s your favourite food? i feel like you enjoy sweet foods. i don’t like them too much, i’m scared my teeth will fall out.’

‘a cat approached me at the park last week. i was sitting on the bench, and it came and laid down next to me. it was purring. it’s fur was soft too. i wish i could have taken it home. i’ve always wanted a pet.’

with every letter written, harua wrote back with just as much enthusiasm. it was interesting how you got to know him through the notes, got to know the real harua, he was much more outgoing on paper. harua was quiet at school, sitting in the front corner. he stayed hunched over his worksheets, never making eye contact with anyone. he stayed quiet all the time. even when the guys were shouting at him, hurting him. he just stayed still, like a statue. they would push him against the wall, steal his stuff when he wasn’t looking. they’d even put gum in his hair. he had to cut it out at lunch. his haircut the next day was wonky, and they bullied him for that too.

you never found out why they bullied harua the way they did. he wasn’t poor like you. he wasn’t ugly, or smelly, or mean. he was just harua. shy, gentle harua, who never did anything. maybe that’s why they did what they did. just because they could.

it was another warm day in june. the students were cleaning the classroom, sweeping the wooden floors and wiping down the desks. in the back by the window, you noticed that harua was being cornered by the boys. you took a few steps closer, “busying” yourself with rearranging the books on a table nearby. you eavesdropped as they teased him.

“careful, dude. he’ll get us sick.” one of them laughed, poking harua’s chest.

“get rid of him.” another ordered, and they grab him by the arm, pulling him past you and to the door. you were curious. what did they mean harua could get them sick? you hadn’t heard about any illness. maybe he had a cold or something. they pushed him out of the classroom roughly. the group disappeared down the hallway, his arms in their grip.

they were gone for exactly 5 minutes and 12 seconds. you counted. but when they returned from wherever they took him, harua wasn’t with them. you didn’t want to know what they did to him.

moments like this reminded you of when the girls had pulled you by your hair outside, in the harsh winter cold last year. it was nearing christmas break. they had used the school hose on you, claiming you needed to be cleaned. filthy dog, they had called you. nothing but filth. when they were done, they locked you out of the building. you were stuck in the cold, your uniform soaking wet. you gave up and went home. you were sick for a week after. 

you met harua again that weekend. he looked a lot paler than usual. you don’t mention it. your meeting point was the swings again, you were first to arrive this time.

“the sun is bright these days.” he said, shoes kicking up the grass underneath him. you hum in response.

“yes, it’s super hot.”

“yeah.”

the breeze was calmer today, blowing your hair softly. it felt nice on your skin, a cool contrast to the warm humidity.

“do you ever go anywhere when you need an escape?” harua asked, looking over at you. you thought for a moment.

“...no. do you?”

“yeah.”

“where do you go?”

“there’s this rooftop near the hospital. it’s completely empty. i like going there to be alone. to feel normal for a moment. you ever wanna do that? feel normal? i want to all the time. i like sitting on the edge. the thought of falling is scary, but sometimes the risk makes me feel more alive.”

“oh. that’s cool.”

“it is.”

harua coughs before continuing.

“the rooftop doesn’t compare to heaven though.”

you blink at him.

“heaven?”

“yes. heaven. my heaven.”

you were confused. harua giggled at how your brows furrowed.

“i found it in the city over from ours. it’s this beautiful field down a country road. it’s on top of the hill with the train station. you can see the whole town from up there.”

“wow.”

“yeah. i haven't told anyone about my heaven before. you’re the first.”

“thanks.”

he smiles at you, and you smile back.

the two of you ended up talking about other mundane things, like your favourite animals, recent dreams you’d had. it was nice getting to know harua.

the conversation was cut short when harua’s phone buzzed. he didn’t even look at the screen this time.

“i gotta go.”

“aw, okay. bye.”

“bye. don’t forget to write back!” he called, already halfway down the street. you gave him a thumbs up.

you were only 11 when your mother died. it was sudden, unexpected. lost control of her steering one winter, the roads icy and slippery. they found her car in a ditch. she was long gone by the time the paramedics arrived. that’s what the police officer told you at the door on the evening of the accident. it’s what the news reporter on the television said too. you were young, but not young enough to misunderstand. she was gone. forever. your beloved mother.

it took a toll on your father. you could see it. he loved her so much. she had loved him so much, too. it seemed like the light in his eyes had died with her.

when both are loyal, it is time that cheats. 

he was quick to pick up drinking after the funeral. he drank a lot. but he never hit you. not once. your father was not that type of man. instead, he got emotional, tired. he was tired a lot these days. you could hear him cry most nights, calling for your mother. or when he wasn’t crying, he was dazed, in some sort of sluggish state that nothing could pull him from. the spark he once had was gone, quietness replacing it. eventually, he lost his decent job. it took him a few weeks to find a new one, a cleaner job in a local store, and now he barely makes enough money for the two of you. but he was alive, and that’s all that mattered to you. he was all you had left. 

---

it had finally reached the end of june. the heat had intensified greatly, each day easily reaching 30 degrees or more. you found yourself sweating constantly. you were glad the teacher allowed for the windows to be left open throughout the day. you and harua were still exchanging notes, now more comfortable than ever. you knew a lot about him. he felt like your one true friend. a genuine, real friend.

you had found another one of his letters in your pencil case on the monday of the last week of school.

‘if you are free, i want to take you somewhere during summer break. heaven. you remember that place i told you about, right? i want to show you it, if you’ll let me. second week of summer. it’s only an hour on the train. it’s not far away, don’t worry.

- harua’

harua was inviting you to his special spot. no one else. just you. maybe he thought you were special? you shook that thought from your head immediately.

you wrote back the next morning.

‘i would love to. it sounded beautiful from what you told me. what time should we meet? and are we meeting at the train station? let me know the details. i can’t wait. thank you.

- y/n’

you received another letter wednesday morning.

‘i’m happy you want to see it. we should meet at the station at 12pm. i’ll try to get there before you. i’ll pay for your ticket, okay? my treat.

- harua’

you were excited. and curious. and also a little nervous. what would this ‘heaven’ be like? would you like it? harua seemed to think it was amazing, so maybe you would too.

lucky for you, the final day of school went by in a flash. the last bell dismissed the students, and you were so happy to finally be free from school for nearly 2 months. as you got up to leave, you were shoved to the side, your shoulder crashing into the wall. you didn’t care. in fact, you smiled. because all you cared about was your trip with harua in 2 weeks. just you and your friend. 

---

the 14 days passed rather quickly and now you were stood at the station, skirt fluttering in the gentle wind. harua said he would be here before you, but he wasn’t. you stood awkwardly by the ticket machine, contemplating just buying your own ticket. harua appeared behind you a few moments later, panting. his cheeks were rosy. it was cute.

“sorry i’m late. let me get the tickets real quick.”

you nod, watching him feed his money into the machine. harua was wearing a white long-sleeve button up, and blue shorts that stopped at his bruised knees. he had even styled his hair. he looked quite different to how he usually looked at school. he looked nice.

“really feels like summer now, huh?” harua said, passing one of the admission tickets to you.

“yeah. it’s hotter these days.”

“mhm. my grandma made me put on loads of sunscreen before i left.” 

the two of you giggled at the sticky residue that shimmered on his forehead.

it was insanely humid on the train, the carriage packed with people. looking out the window, you watched the sea of green fly past you, fields upon fields of crops. the countryside was beautiful. you listened to the loud chug of the engine, the faint chatter of people barely intelligible. harua was sat next to you, his knee brushing yours with the motion of the train. his bruises were a pretty shade of purple. they were new. his hands were fiddling with the sleeve of shirt, pinching and folding the fabric between his thumb and pointer finger. your eyes found his. he looked away almost immediately, flustered. the two of you didn’t speak on the train ride.

“come on, it’s this way.” harua insisted, the two of you walking down a country lane. it was more quiet here. eventually you found a tall hedge, and harua led you through a small gap between the leaves and branches. on the other side was a large field - heaven.

“we’re here. this is my heaven.” he said, hand wrapping around your wrist as he pulled you further into the field.

“it’s beautiful.” you murmured, letting him pull you along. you found a place to sit, right where you could see the city at the bottom of the huge hill. harua was right. it was a beautiful view. you were glad the train station was at the top of the hill. it was amazingly steep.

“how did you find this place?” you asked, leaning back on your hands.

“i came here alone a few months ago. was just wandering around and found the little gap. i really liked it here, so i kept coming. mainly on weekends.”

you nodded, the conversation gradually fading out. both of you picked at the grass, the green blades soft between your fingers.

“y’know, i think you’re right. this place is beautiful.” you said, looking over at him. harua looked back at you. the eye contact had it’s own silent conversation.

“you think so?”

“yeah.”

harua simply watched you for a moment. you stared back. neither of you said anything more. he moved first, leaning closer. you copied his movement. your lips pressed against his. warm. that’s how his lips felt. he pulled back, blinking at you slowly. the feeling was fleeting, gone as quickly as it came. you had kissed. it felt right. and that was that. neither of you said anything about it.

“i brought lunch.” harua eventually announced, pulling his backpack onto his lap. “my grandma made these for us.”

harua held a bag of slightly squashed sandwiches, offering them to you. 

“thank you.”

you ate quietly, watching the clouds pass in the sky above you. sweat dripped down the back of your neck. another incredibly hot day. the sandwiches were really good, though.

on the train ride back home, the carriage was a lot quieter. it was later in the afternoon, nearly 5pm, and the breeze was cooler now. harua was on your left. you hadn’t spoken once since you got on the train. you assumed he was tired. your eyes caught the single tear that slid down his face, all the way to his chin. the silence stuck. eventually, harua cried quietly, his hands pawing at his eyes. teardrops landed on his shorts, leaving a pattern of dark spots. you don’t ask what’s wrong. you don’t say anything at all. 

when you reached the station, you thanked harua for taking you to his heaven, for paying for your ticket.

“it’s okay. thank you for coming with me.” he replied, his eyes slightly puffy. he gave you a small, sheepish smile.

“…will you still write to me?”

“yes. of course i will.”

“great. i’m… i’m glad.” 

with the confirmation, he bade farewell, waving at you as he walked the other way. his house was on the opposite side of the town. you walked home with a smile on your face. your finger swiped over your bottom lip. warm.

now you have the rest of summer to do your favourite things - read, draw, and stare out of your window - without having to worry about school, about the girls.

---

as summer break passed, you sunk into a deep solitude. you were comfortable in your bedroom, unseen and unnoticed. you spent most of your days reading, avoiding social interactions. you only spoke to your father at breakfast and dinner. sometimes your brain drifted to your classmates. whether they’d notice your absence at the start of next semester. you would love to disappear. if only it was that easy.

despite the relaxation, anxiety and worry still churned in your stomach. your money situation wasn’t getting any better. and neither was your dad. he barely did anything other than go to work, sleep, and occasionally buy groceries. you were worried about his mental health. he was never great at opening up, so you had no idea how he was feeling. he only worked 4 short shifts a week, so most of the time he spent at home was by himself. you were at school all day. he was alone. he never used to be, though. your mother used to be the one to keep him company when he felt lonely. but she’s gone, and now he’s lonely all the time. your mother was your best friend as a kid. when she died, you became lonely too. you’d lost your only friend, aged 11. after her death, you yearned for connection - but your dad was off limits, cut off emotionally. harua was your only chance now, and you wanted to be around him all the time. you really enjoyed being with harua. you longed to connect with him.

as summer break neared its end, september less than 2 weeks away, you started to spiral about having to face the students again. you know that the bullying would only continue. you didn’t want to put yourself through that again. hopefully having harua by your side would provide you with comfort. 

your dad had woken you up at 9, tapping your shoulder.

“hey, kiddo. there’s a letter for you. just got delivered.”

you rubbed your eyes, taking it from him. once he had left, you opened the envelope. the letter was from harua. how the boy found your address you had no clue.

‘it’s been a while. i was thinking, why not give you my number so we can talk on the phone? it will be a lot easier i think. call me!

- harua’

at the bottom of the page, his number was scribbled in red sharpie, a small heart at the end. 

you called him an hour later, after brushing your teeth and eating breakfast.

“hello? harua?”

“y/n! yes, it’s harua. i missed you.”

harua had missed you. the thought made you smile.

“i missed you too.”

“really? you did?”

“yeah. i did.”

“i’m glad. um… i wanted to ask if you wanted to hang out in person again. it’s been a while since our trip, huh?”

when you thought about it, it had been a while since you last saw harua. over a month. almost two.

“yeah, it has. i’d love to hang out.”

“great! meet me by the hospital. we can go to the rooftop i told you about.”

“okay. see you soon.”

by 12, the two of you were sat on the rooftop, legs dangling off the edge. the view from the roof was nice. you understood why harua came here so often. 

“it’s nice up here,” you said, turning your head to harua. “relaxing, in a way.”

“yeah, it is.” harua smiled softly, nodding in agreement. “i come up here to escape life. no one is ever here apart from me. well, except you.”

you returned the smile.

“is it bad at your house? is that why you come here?”

“no, my house is okay.” he shook his head. “i live with my parents and my grandma. we live just one street down. it can just get loud sometimes, so i prefer coming here for peace and quiet.”

“ah, okay.”

“they’ve been arguing a lot recently. my parents. they’re worried. there’s a lot of bills they have to pay… expensive ones. we’re practically poor now, and they’re worried about grandma and i.”

“i’m sorry.”

“it’s okay. they’ll… we’ll be fine.”

you noticed how his demeanour changed. he was being vague. you don’t ask any questions, not wanting to pry or push your friend.

“sorry.” he whispered. you tilted your head.

“what for?”

“complaining about my life. i know that you’re struggling just as much. maybe even more. i heard about your, um… mom. i’m really sorry about that. i know you and your dad struggle too. you don’t deserve it.”

his words hit you like a truck, that churning feeling returning to your stomach. your eyes stung. please don’t cry, you thought. not now.

“you don’t deserve any of the bad things that have happened. you’re sweet. really sweet. it makes me sad that no one else can see that. but a part of me is glad that only i can. it’s like something special, just for me to have. sorry. that sounds selfish.”

harua’s voice faded out eventually, his rambling coming to an end. you cried quietly next to him, hot tears dripping down onto your lap. harua passed you his handkerchief without a word. it smelt like him.

the two of you sat in shared silence after that, your thighs pressed against each other.

“do you believe in god?” 

his question pulled you out of your thoughts. 

“uh, i don’t know. maybe. do you?”

“no.” harua’s answer was quick, blunt. it caught you off-guard. “because if he really loved his creations, he wouldn’t make them suffer. he wouldn’t give people sickness. innocent people. and so much suffering. it’s unfair.”

“...that’s true.”

“i’ve prayed before. begged for my own suffering to go away. yet he never answered. i’m a good person. don’t i deserve a good life too?”

you’d never seen harua angry before. not until now. it made you feel sorry for him. he must have so much pain he never let out. so much frustration. you both went quiet. harua calmed down.

“you know, you’re really pretty.” he said, his eyes fixed on the horizon ahead of him.

“no i’m not.” 

harua’s hand found yours, squeezing it.

“yes, you are. super pretty.” his voice was softer now. “those girls that call you ugly are all wrong. you’re beautiful. inside and out. don’t let their lies get to you too much.”

you heard the buzz of his phone again, and harua’s sigh.

“i’ve gotta go again. get home safe, okay?”

“i will. bye, harua.”

“bye.”

you sat there in silence for a while, processing his words. harua thought you were pretty, beautiful even. the thought made you feel slightly better.

---

when school finally started in september, nothing had changed. your classmates were still as rowdy as they were last semester. loud and annoying, making stupid jokes when the teacher wasn’t paying attention, messing with each other’s work books. the usual. harua stood out to you, his quietness contrasting the ruckus of the class. just sat at his desk, writing. nothing else. your heart ached. he was so innocent. yet what they did to him was nothing short of corrupt. you wanted to stick up for him so badly. to protect him from the horrible things they do. you wanted it all to stop.

half way through september, harua didn’t come in for nearly 2 weeks. you were so worried about him. you had tried to call his house phone, but none of your calls were answered. the last friday of september was when you finally heard from him. he had left a note under your book.

‘hi y/n. sorry i’ve been gone for so long. i hope you didn’t miss me too much, haha. i miss you a lot these days. i’ve been feeling tired constantly. the doctor gave me medicine for that, so don’t worry! all is well. take care of yourself too, okay? i’ll be back in school soon, promise!

- harua’

you were relieved to hear from him after a fortnight of radio silence. but something was off. he seemed… happy, despite what he was telling you in the letter. he was sick, it seemed, yet he wrote like it was just any other day. it was very different to how he usually wrote, but at least it was something. you were just glad to finally get an update on harua.

your luck ran short on october 1st. you’d been caught by the girls just as you were leaving class, insisting you come outside with them.

“we’re bored.” one said, her nails digging into your wrist as she dragged you outside. “need some entertainment.”

they got straight to work once you reached the school court. your cheek slammed against the cold concrete of the ground. time felt like it slowed down with every blow to the stomach, every hit to your head and back. the girls were always relentless with you. the metallic taste of blood coated your teeth, trickled down your chin. it was on your hands too, scraped from when they pushed you over. everything ached and stung, a sharp buzz rang in your ears.

you spotted harua stood at the other end of the court. he just stood there, frozen. didn’t run. didn’t help. harua didn’t do anything. he was stood there like a deer in headlights. you didn’t bother calling for him. 

the boy stayed at the other side silently until the girls left, jogging over once the coast was clear. your head was pounding. harua helped you sit up, the blood dripping down the side of your head. you felt the warm liquid slide all the way to your neck. it tickled. harua wiped at it with the back of his hand. his touch was tender. 

“why did they do this?”

“i don’t know. because they w-wanted to.” you murmured, bottom lip trembling with adrenaline. harua sighed knowingly.

“you don’t deserve it.” he said. you noticed his shaky breathing. “not at all.”

the two of you trudged to the school gate, reaching the street. the sound of the cars did nothing to hide the sound of harua’s sobs.

“harua, please don’t cry.” you whispered, your hand squeezing his. 

“i-i’m not.” he insisted, wiping his face with his sleeve. 

both of you stood in silence as he cried. he swiped at his eyes, trying to hide the tears. you saw them anyway.

“i’ve gotta go. i’m sorry. please stay safe.”

you nodded, and he left you, walking down the street. guilt washed through your damaged body.

the blood had crystalised on your face and hands as you walked home. shock covered your dad’s face when you walked through the door, rushing over to check on you.

“what the hell happened to you?”

“i tripped over and fell hard. nothing too bad, don’t worry.” you led through your bloody teeth. “i’ll be alright, dad.”

he didn’t seem too convinced as you limped past him, climbing up the stairs agonisingly slow. you rush to your bedroom, collapsing onto your bed with a pained sigh. you cried yourself to sleep that night, blood still dry on your skin.

the pain thumped through you for days after. any bruises and marks were covered with makeup. as good as new. almost. 

---

the sick, anxiety-inducing feeling in your stomach only got worse as time passed. your father insisted on taking you to the doctor’s clinic for your busted lip. it had gotten infected. you refused to go, trying your best to convince him that you were fine really, and that it’ll heal on it’s own. you didn’t want to go to the doctors. that would only make you feel worse.

you ended up skipping school for a few days, not wanting to face the girls again. at least not until your injuries were fully healed. harua noticed your absence immediately. he started sending letters to the house again. 

‘i hope you’re okay. you haven’t been to school in 2 days. let’s hang out on the rooftop again? i’ll be there at 6 either way.’

‘there was a fight at school today, it was sooo funny. sad you missed it. wish you were here. can we hangout today? if you’re feeling better?’

‘i miss you, y/n. it’s been 5 days. please talk to me. i’ll be at the swings later. please come.’

you never answered his letters. you never showed up at the rooftop or the swings either. 

you didn’t leave your bedroom much at all, actually. instead, you stayed laying on your mattress, staring up at the ceiling for hours on end. you sifted through hundreds of thoughts, what ifs. as the cold autumn wind blew in through your open window, your skin pricked with goosebumps, you thought of death. it always lingered in the back of your mind, but these days it was pushed up to the front. you questioned the concept of suicide, the ending of all of your problems. they wouldn’t exist anymore, you would be free. it sounded enticing. perfect. you’d always wondered what it would be like. maybe dying is akin to eternal sleep, where you aren’t aware that you’ve disappeared. forever relaxed, all anxiety gone. forever. 

forever sounded nice.

eventually your father persuaded (more so begged) for you to try to go to school. you went to keep him from nagging too much. another letter from harua sat on your desk chair when you came back in after lunch.

‘hi y/n, i hope you’re okay. i’m glad you’re back at school. i missed you so much. recently, i’ve been really worried about you, especially after they beat you like that.

i know it’s so hard for you, everything seems to be against you. but i want you to know that i’m not. i never will be. please don’t give up. not just for yourself, but for me too. if you give up, i might too.

- harua’

the piece of paper was damp by the time you put it in your backpack.

---

a few days after halloween, november 4th, your dad had an accident. he broke his arm. he was trying to fix the upstairs window on the outside of the house, and the ladder gave way. there was blood all over his clothes, and you swore you could see the bone poking out of his forearm. a gruesome sight. he left the house immediately, rushing to the hospital.

you sat by the front door all day, only getting up to go to the bathroom. it was 5 in the afternoon when he came back, arm in a cast and sling. you thought he looked kind of cool like that. hopefully he’d let you sign it later.

“you sat by the door?” your father asked, chuckling.

“yeah. i was worried about you.”

“have you eaten anything today?”

you shook your head, and he ruffled your hair with his free hand. 

“you’re something else, kiddo. let’s get you some dinner.”

the past few weeks had caused you and harua to drift slightly, your absence from school stretching the distance between you both. he hadn’t sent many letters to your house. maybe he was waiting for you to reach out. you wanted to apologise to him and go back to normal. how things were before. 

‘hi harua. i’m really sorry about everything. so much stuff has happened in the past month and i’ve kind of been struggling. my dad broke his arm. you should’ve seen it. super gross. 

i miss you. i don’t think i’ve said that as much as i should. i want to see you again. by the rooftops? i promise i’ll be there this time.

- y/n’

you had pushed the letter into his pencil case on the 22nd and prayed he answered. the next day, when you walked into the class, harua was staring directly at you. when you looked back, he gave you a simple, knowing nod. that was all you needed.

after school, the two of you sat on top of the rooftop, legs dangling off the edge like usual. everything felt almost back to normal now.

“sorry for ignoring your letters.” you muttered, picking at the loose thread of your hoodie. “i just felt a little… off. but i’m all good now, promise.”

“it’s fine, you don’t need to apologise. i get that feeling sometimes too. as long as you’re okay, i forgive you.” harua’s hand found yours, his fingers interlinking with yours. warm. like always.

“i’m glad we’re good again.” he added, a smile on his face. 

you had completely ignored him for days. he seemed to have forgiven you too quickly. the guilt still sat deep inside, but harua seemed perfectly fine. it was confusing.

something was off. but, as usual, you don’t question him about it.

the two of you stayed on the rooftop until the sun had fully set. it was cold. very cold.

---

everything happened so fast.

it was december 7th when word got out, spreading around the school like wildfire. a student at your school, gone. died of a terminal illness. it was harua.

he hadn’t told you about it. not one hint or mention of any illness. but it all made sense. the expensive bills, staying near the hospital, his pale skin and weakness. the bullying. it all made sense now. and it hurt. so bad.

you left school immediately after you heard. you just ran - out of the class, out of the building. away. away from everyone. the tears never seemed to give up, a stream falling down your face, a melancholy river. you felt scared, heartbroken, alone. your only genuine friend, gone. just like that, as if his existence was a brief figment of your imagination. you felt lied to. harua had never told you about his illness. maybe he was too afraid of what you might think. the thought only made the pain worse. 

the days dragged by numbingly slow. you stopped going to school. you couldn’t face any of them anymore. not without harua. you spent hours upon hours just walking through the town, dragging yourself through each winding street. maybe you were searching for harua. you didn’t know. you walked with your headphones in, drowning out all other noise, pencil and book in your bag. they were your sacred belongings now. holding the memories of your hundreds of letters written to him. a part of you felt his presence whenever your hand held the pencil, traced the spine of your book. as if he was still there, waiting for your response. 

it had been 10 days since harua’s death. you talked to a lady who you recognised to be harua’s grandmother. she had dementia. she told you the same story five times. it was about harua, and how he had returned from school one day talking of you. 

“he spoke so highly of you, that boy.” she said, sighing. “the ‘pretty girl from school' is what he had called you.”

she told you how her heart broke when he died, his slow battle with a lifelong illness. all you could do was understand her pain. 

the two of you parted ways after an hour. 

walking by the hospital, you wondered if when you yourself become 84, your legs having walked for decades, your brain no longer able to catch up - that all you would have left is the same stories about harua. the same stories that broke your heart to think of when he died. the same feelings and memories that you held in place of him.

---

sometimes, if you focus hard enough, you can still remember how harua’s lips felt against yours for that brief moment last summer. the kiss barely counted, but it was a kiss. just for you and harua. you wished you had a chance to kiss him properly. feel every ridge and flaw of his lips, every movement of his tongue against yours. please, you’d whisper in the dead of night. please just one more kiss.

you never admitted to yourself, or to anyone for that matter, how much you liked the kiss you shared with harua. you could only hope he did too. 

it was warm. so warm.

you decided to write harua one final letter, a letter of confession, feelings and thoughts you never earnt the courage to tell him with.

‘my angel harua,

the first and only time i kissed you was in heaven. your heaven. one kiss, i was totally hooked. addicted to you. i was too afraid to tell you. forgive me. 

being your friend, i wanted to make up for all the love you thought you didn’t deserve. i love you, shigeta harua. i’m sorry i never had the chance to tell you.

i could never love anyone the way i love you. i’d follow you across every universe. and that’s what i intend to do.

see you soon, okay? wait for me.

- the pretty girl from school.’

you folded the note and shoved it in your pocket, your hair blowing in the cold wind of the evening. the wind was always stronger when you were standing on the rooftop.

you closed your eyes once your feet were planted on the edge. a wave of warmth washed over your skin. it felt like harua. you were ready.

and when you finally let go, it felt nice to fly. really nice.

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[ukiyoux]

ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆ restless - yang Jungwon⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡

ꕤ warnings: angst!! mentions of blood, arguing. I think that's it (I hope)

ꕤ word count: 1.46k

ꕤ authors note: kinda made myself cry while writing this, the music I was listening to probably didn't help but oh well. I've never written full angst before so wanted to try, I do think it could have been better but oh well! I left it on a sort of cliffhanger, and I guess it's up to whoever reads this to decide how you want to end it? I knew it was gonna be hard for me to write something cheery and lovey dovey with the mood I was in so I'm leaving it up to you!! I hope you all enjoy and all support is greatly appreciated! ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶

˚⊱🪷⊰˚ currently listening to: ordinary things - ariana grande ˚⊱🪷⊰˚

Arguing between Jungwon and you was rare, but when it did happen they were on a whole other level. Screaming, crying, slamming doors, the whole thing. It was messy to say the least. You hated it. You two had argued early hours of that morning, it was about something stupid and you couldn’t even really remember what. He was screaming at you out of frustration from something he caused and you just screamed back, he kept just adding more in, telling you that you weren't doing enough, and that he tried the hardest in the relationship. That hurt. You gave your all to this relationship, he was your world and you did everything for him. You didn't understand how he could say such things. 

He had left for work angry, and you had left crying, what a way to start the day. 

- - -

Work was grueling, you wanted nothing more than to just go home and sleep for the rest of the day. Your emotions were running high, you were tired and had a headache from all of the shouting. You were worried about Jungwon, he never took these things well. You knew he would probably go out after work, go drinking, try to clear his head, but if anything that just riled him up more. He would come home screaming yet again about something until you would finally manage to calm him down and you two could have a civil conversation and sort it out. You were the peacemaker, and honestly you were dreading it. 

Your lunch break finally came around, you got up from your desk and headed to the small communal kitchen. It was quiet, the ringing of phones and constant background chatter finally stopping. Peace and quiet, just what you needed. You sat at the small circular table in the corner of the room with your lunch, it wasn't much, just something you had to throw together this morning. It was boring, you missed Jungwon, you hated fighting with him but he could just be so angry that you had no choice but to fight fire with fire. You kept telling yourself that he didn't mean the things that he said but he was starting to make that hard to believe. You wanted things to be civil again, but you knew it would take a while. You had zoned out, just thinking about him, thinking about how he held you, how he would kiss your forehead and call you sweet names. Junwon could be like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde sometimes, he had this angry side that just came out of nowhere and would blow everything up. You just had to give him time, and then maybe he would come around again.

- - -

The house was quiet, each room dark and empty. You had no idea when Jungwon would be home and to be honest you weren't even betting on him coming home. All you could do was get on with your evening. You threw off your heels and chucked them into your wardrobe, and then your blazer, your suit trousers and finally your blouse. You grabbed your pajamas from under your pillow and changed. It felt good to be home, no matter how empty or quiet, you could finally sit in your thoughts without a disturbance. 

Time passed painfully slowly, Jungwon still wasn't home. It was 9pm and then 10pm. You started to worry, he was probably at a bar but that feeling that he would do something stupid ate away at you. You watched the clock until you couldn't stay awake anymore, your tears made your headache insufferable. You just couldn't take it, you couldn't understand why he would do this to you knowing how much you would worry. This was his way of being petty and it was just cruel, he knew that and yet still he did it. Whatever, he didn't deserve your worry. You stood up from the sofa and headed towards the bathroom to get ready for bed. 

The front door was pushed open angrily, Jungwon, you spin around immediately. “I was so worried” you ran towards him “where have you b…” he doesn't let you finish before he pushes straight past you and barges into the bedroom, slamming the door behind him. You just stood there, mouth open in shock. That stung, you didn’t think he could get any crueler but you were proven wrong. 

- - -

You stared into the mirror in the bathroom, more silence. You picked up your toothbrush and started brushing, you pressed harder, and harder without really realising until you spat out the toothpaste and it was tainted with red, blood streaking though the white foam. The tang of metal filled your mouth, and you quickly washed it away with water. This was destroying you, he had never been this bad before. Normally he would come home and you two could talk about it, but something was different, he wouldn’t shake it off and he was letting it get between you two. 

He lay on his side of the bed, practically falling off the side. He couldn’t get any further away from you if he tried. Another sting. He was doing this just to hurt you and you had no idea why, he had started the argument that morning, he was the one shouting about nothing, he was the one yelling hurtful things, this was because of him and yet you were taking the brunt of the pain. It wasn’t fair.  

You slipped into bed, the sheets were cold and unwelcoming, you couldn’t even feel Jungwon’s warmth. 

Warm, salty tears slipped down your cheeks. You tried to stay as quiet as you could so as not to wake him, but occasionally your breathing would catch and you would make that stifling sound like choking. 

You watched the clock, the hours dragged on 1am, 2am, 3am. You still hadn’t slept, you still hadn’t stopped crying. 

Jungwon stirred, his breathing quickened, “y/n?” his tone was worried, he moved closer to you and flicked on the light on the bedside table, he touched your arm gently. His hands were warm against the coldness of your skin. You didn’t answer him, “Y/n? Baby?” he tried to get you to face him, you pulled against him. He didn't suddenly get to play hero after the hurt he had caused you all evening, you didn't want to give him that satisfaction, he deserved to hurt the way you had hurt. But all you really wanted was from him to hold you, to kiss your forehead and brush your hair out of your face, for him to whisper in your ear that it will all be ok and that he’s sorry. “baby please talk to me, look i’m sorry… I was angry?” his voice was breaking, you scoffed,

“...how dare you Jungwon, I wanted nothing more than for us to talk it out and yet you wouldn’t even acknowledge me.” your tears caught in your throat, “you don’t get to suddenly act like you care when it suits you. It's not fair” you still didn’t turn to look at him. “I’m sorry baby, I really am.” he was still tugging at your arm, you gave in and turned to him. Your eyes were bloodshot and sore, your face tearstreaked. His face dropped, “god baby, im so sorry, I didn't mean for it to go this far.” he held your face and wiped the tears that were running down your face, “and yet it did go this far Jungwon, and it was you that caused it to go this far.” you were blunt, you had to be. You had always been the one to resolve things and apologise even when it wasn’t your fault, you didn’t want to do it anymore. He had gone too far this time. 

You didn’t know what to say to him, he was looking at you expectantly as if you were just going to forgive him right then and there, but you couldn’t. 

After a while, you think he realised that. He didn't say anything more, he just pulled you in. You were too tired to fight him. “I'm sorry, you don’t have to say anything. We can talk in the morning…” his arms wrapped around you, warmth cascaded over your skin “please just try and sleep my love… I won’t let you go this time.”

Honestly, you didn’t know what to do. Was it finally time to let him go? Or would he really realise his errors this time? You stayed silent, you would figure this out in the morning. So for now, you let him pull you closer, you let him kiss your forehead and brush your hair out of your face, maybe for the last time.

[ukiyoux]

ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆ restless - yang Jungwon⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡

ꕤ warnings: angst!! mentions of blood, arguing. I think that's it (I hope)

ꕤ word count: 1.46k

ꕤ authors note: kinda made myself cry while writing this, the music I was listening to probably didn't help but oh well. I've never written full angst before so wanted to try, I do think it could have been better but oh well! I left it on a sort of cliffhanger, and I guess it's up to whoever reads this to decide how you want to end it? I knew it was gonna be hard for me to write something cheery and lovey dovey with the mood I was in so I'm leaving it up to you!! I hope you all enjoy and all support is greatly appreciated! ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶

˚⊱🪷⊰˚ currently listening to: ordinary things - ariana grande ˚⊱🪷⊰˚

Arguing between Jungwon and you was rare, but when it did happen they were on a whole other level. Screaming, crying, slamming doors, the whole thing. It was messy to say the least. You hated it. You two had argued early hours of that morning, it was about something stupid and you couldn’t even really remember what. He was screaming at you out of frustration from something he caused and you just screamed back, he kept just adding more in, telling you that you weren't doing enough, and that he tried the hardest in the relationship. That hurt. You gave your all to this relationship, he was your world and you did everything for him. You didn't understand how he could say such things. 

He had left for work angry, and you had left crying, what a way to start the day. 

- - -

Work was grueling, you wanted nothing more than to just go home and sleep for the rest of the day. Your emotions were running high, you were tired and had a headache from all of the shouting. You were worried about Jungwon, he never took these things well. You knew he would probably go out after work, go drinking, try to clear his head, but if anything that just riled him up more. He would come home screaming yet again about something until you would finally manage to calm him down and you two could have a civil conversation and sort it out. You were the peacemaker, and honestly you were dreading it. 

Your lunch break finally came around, you got up from your desk and headed to the small communal kitchen. It was quiet, the ringing of phones and constant background chatter finally stopping. Peace and quiet, just what you needed. You sat at the small circular table in the corner of the room with your lunch, it wasn't much, just something you had to throw together this morning. It was boring, you missed Jungwon, you hated fighting with him but he could just be so angry that you had no choice but to fight fire with fire. You kept telling yourself that he didn't mean the things that he said but he was starting to make that hard to believe. You wanted things to be civil again, but you knew it would take a while. You had zoned out, just thinking about him, thinking about how he held you, how he would kiss your forehead and call you sweet names. Junwon could be like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde sometimes, he had this angry side that just came out of nowhere and would blow everything up. You just had to give him time, and then maybe he would come around again.

- - -

The house was quiet, each room dark and empty. You had no idea when Jungwon would be home and to be honest you weren't even betting on him coming home. All you could do was get on with your evening. You threw off your heels and chucked them into your wardrobe, and then your blazer, your suit trousers and finally your blouse. You grabbed your pajamas from under your pillow and changed. It felt good to be home, no matter how empty or quiet, you could finally sit in your thoughts without a disturbance. 

Time passed painfully slowly, Jungwon still wasn't home. It was 9pm and then 10pm. You started to worry, he was probably at a bar but that feeling that he would do something stupid ate away at you. You watched the clock until you couldn't stay awake anymore, your tears made your headache insufferable. You just couldn't take it, you couldn't understand why he would do this to you knowing how much you would worry. This was his way of being petty and it was just cruel, he knew that and yet still he did it. Whatever, he didn't deserve your worry. You stood up from the sofa and headed towards the bathroom to get ready for bed. 

The front door was pushed open angrily, Jungwon, you spin around immediately. “I was so worried” you ran towards him “where have you b…” he doesn't let you finish before he pushes straight past you and barges into the bedroom, slamming the door behind him. You just stood there, mouth open in shock. That stung, you didn’t think he could get any crueler but you were proven wrong. 

- - -

You stared into the mirror in the bathroom, more silence. You picked up your toothbrush and started brushing, you pressed harder, and harder without really realising until you spat out the toothpaste and it was tainted with red, blood streaking though the white foam. The tang of metal filled your mouth, and you quickly washed it away with water. This was destroying you, he had never been this bad before. Normally he would come home and you two could talk about it, but something was different, he wouldn’t shake it off and he was letting it get between you two. 

He lay on his side of the bed, practically falling off the side. He couldn’t get any further away from you if he tried. Another sting. He was doing this just to hurt you and you had no idea why, he had started the argument that morning, he was the one shouting about nothing, he was the one yelling hurtful things, this was because of him and yet you were taking the brunt of the pain. It wasn’t fair.  

You slipped into bed, the sheets were cold and unwelcoming, you couldn’t even feel Jungwon’s warmth. 

Warm, salty tears slipped down your cheeks. You tried to stay as quiet as you could so as not to wake him, but occasionally your breathing would catch and you would make that stifling sound like choking. 

You watched the clock, the hours dragged on 1am, 2am, 3am. You still hadn’t slept, you still hadn’t stopped crying. 

Jungwon stirred, his breathing quickened, “y/n?” his tone was worried, he moved closer to you and flicked on the light on the bedside table, he touched your arm gently. His hands were warm against the coldness of your skin. You didn’t answer him, “Y/n? Baby?” he tried to get you to face him, you pulled against him. He didn't suddenly get to play hero after the hurt he had caused you all evening, you didn't want to give him that satisfaction, he deserved to hurt the way you had hurt. But all you really wanted was from him to hold you, to kiss your forehead and brush your hair out of your face, for him to whisper in your ear that it will all be ok and that he’s sorry. “baby please talk to me, look i’m sorry… I was angry?” his voice was breaking, you scoffed,

“...how dare you Jungwon, I wanted nothing more than for us to talk it out and yet you wouldn’t even acknowledge me.” your tears caught in your throat, “you don’t get to suddenly act like you care when it suits you. It's not fair” you still didn’t turn to look at him. “I’m sorry baby, I really am.” he was still tugging at your arm, you gave in and turned to him. Your eyes were bloodshot and sore, your face tearstreaked. His face dropped, “god baby, im so sorry, I didn't mean for it to go this far.” he held your face and wiped the tears that were running down your face, “and yet it did go this far Jungwon, and it was you that caused it to go this far.” you were blunt, you had to be. You had always been the one to resolve things and apologise even when it wasn’t your fault, you didn’t want to do it anymore. He had gone too far this time. 

You didn’t know what to say to him, he was looking at you expectantly as if you were just going to forgive him right then and there, but you couldn’t. 

After a while, you think he realised that. He didn't say anything more, he just pulled you in. You were too tired to fight him. “I'm sorry, you don’t have to say anything. We can talk in the morning…” his arms wrapped around you, warmth cascaded over your skin “please just try and sleep my love… I won’t let you go this time.”

Honestly, you didn’t know what to do. Was it finally time to let him go? Or would he really realise his errors this time? You stayed silent, you would figure this out in the morning. So for now, you let him pull you closer, you let him kiss your forehead and brush your hair out of your face, maybe for the last time.

[ukiyoux]

ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆ restless - yang Jungwon⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡

ꕤ warnings: angst!! mentions of blood, arguing. I think that's it (I hope)

ꕤ word count: 1.46k

ꕤ authors note: kinda made myself cry while writing this, the music I was listening to probably didn't help but oh well. I've never written full angst before so wanted to try, I do think it could have been better but oh well! I left it on a sort of cliffhanger, and I guess it's up to whoever reads this to decide how you want to end it? I knew it was gonna be hard for me to write something cheery and lovey dovey with the mood I was in so I'm leaving it up to you!! I hope you all enjoy and all support is greatly appreciated! ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶

˚⊱🪷⊰˚ currently listening to: ordinary things - ariana grande ˚⊱🪷⊰˚

Arguing between Jungwon and you was rare, but when it did happen they were on a whole other level. Screaming, crying, slamming doors, the whole thing. It was messy to say the least. You hated it. You two had argued early hours of that morning, it was about something stupid and you couldn’t even really remember what. He was screaming at you out of frustration from something he caused and you just screamed back, he kept just adding more in, telling you that you weren't doing enough, and that he tried the hardest in the relationship. That hurt. You gave your all to this relationship, he was your world and you did everything for him. You didn't understand how he could say such things. 

He had left for work angry, and you had left crying, what a way to start the day. 

- - -

Work was grueling, you wanted nothing more than to just go home and sleep for the rest of the day. Your emotions were running high, you were tired and had a headache from all of the shouting. You were worried about Jungwon, he never took these things well. You knew he would probably go out after work, go drinking, try to clear his head, but if anything that just riled him up more. He would come home screaming yet again about something until you would finally manage to calm him down and you two could have a civil conversation and sort it out. You were the peacemaker, and honestly you were dreading it. 

Your lunch break finally came around, you got up from your desk and headed to the small communal kitchen. It was quiet, the ringing of phones and constant background chatter finally stopping. Peace and quiet, just what you needed. You sat at the small circular table in the corner of the room with your lunch, it wasn't much, just something you had to throw together this morning. It was boring, you missed Jungwon, you hated fighting with him but he could just be so angry that you had no choice but to fight fire with fire. You kept telling yourself that he didn't mean the things that he said but he was starting to make that hard to believe. You wanted things to be civil again, but you knew it would take a while. You had zoned out, just thinking about him, thinking about how he held you, how he would kiss your forehead and call you sweet names. Junwon could be like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde sometimes, he had this angry side that just came out of nowhere and would blow everything up. You just had to give him time, and then maybe he would come around again.

- - -

The house was quiet, each room dark and empty. You had no idea when Jungwon would be home and to be honest you weren't even betting on him coming home. All you could do was get on with your evening. You threw off your heels and chucked them into your wardrobe, and then your blazer, your suit trousers and finally your blouse. You grabbed your pajamas from under your pillow and changed. It felt good to be home, no matter how empty or quiet, you could finally sit in your thoughts without a disturbance. 

Time passed painfully slowly, Jungwon still wasn't home. It was 9pm and then 10pm. You started to worry, he was probably at a bar but that feeling that he would do something stupid ate away at you. You watched the clock until you couldn't stay awake anymore, your tears made your headache insufferable. You just couldn't take it, you couldn't understand why he would do this to you knowing how much you would worry. This was his way of being petty and it was just cruel, he knew that and yet still he did it. Whatever, he didn't deserve your worry. You stood up from the sofa and headed towards the bathroom to get ready for bed. 

The front door was pushed open angrily, Jungwon, you spin around immediately. “I was so worried” you ran towards him “where have you b…” he doesn't let you finish before he pushes straight past you and barges into the bedroom, slamming the door behind him. You just stood there, mouth open in shock. That stung, you didn’t think he could get any crueler but you were proven wrong. 

- - -

You stared into the mirror in the bathroom, more silence. You picked up your toothbrush and started brushing, you pressed harder, and harder without really realising until you spat out the toothpaste and it was tainted with red, blood streaking though the white foam. The tang of metal filled your mouth, and you quickly washed it away with water. This was destroying you, he had never been this bad before. Normally he would come home and you two could talk about it, but something was different, he wouldn’t shake it off and he was letting it get between you two. 

He lay on his side of the bed, practically falling off the side. He couldn’t get any further away from you if he tried. Another sting. He was doing this just to hurt you and you had no idea why, he had started the argument that morning, he was the one shouting about nothing, he was the one yelling hurtful things, this was because of him and yet you were taking the brunt of the pain. It wasn’t fair.  

You slipped into bed, the sheets were cold and unwelcoming, you couldn’t even feel Jungwon’s warmth. 

Warm, salty tears slipped down your cheeks. You tried to stay as quiet as you could so as not to wake him, but occasionally your breathing would catch and you would make that stifling sound like choking. 

You watched the clock, the hours dragged on 1am, 2am, 3am. You still hadn’t slept, you still hadn’t stopped crying. 

Jungwon stirred, his breathing quickened, “y/n?” his tone was worried, he moved closer to you and flicked on the light on the bedside table, he touched your arm gently. His hands were warm against the coldness of your skin. You didn’t answer him, “Y/n? Baby?” he tried to get you to face him, you pulled against him. He didn't suddenly get to play hero after the hurt he had caused you all evening, you didn't want to give him that satisfaction, he deserved to hurt the way you had hurt. But all you really wanted was from him to hold you, to kiss your forehead and brush your hair out of your face, for him to whisper in your ear that it will all be ok and that he’s sorry. “baby please talk to me, look i’m sorry… I was angry?” his voice was breaking, you scoffed,

“...how dare you Jungwon, I wanted nothing more than for us to talk it out and yet you wouldn’t even acknowledge me.” your tears caught in your throat, “you don’t get to suddenly act like you care when it suits you. It's not fair” you still didn’t turn to look at him. “I’m sorry baby, I really am.” he was still tugging at your arm, you gave in and turned to him. Your eyes were bloodshot and sore, your face tearstreaked. His face dropped, “god baby, im so sorry, I didn't mean for it to go this far.” he held your face and wiped the tears that were running down your face, “and yet it did go this far Jungwon, and it was you that caused it to go this far.” you were blunt, you had to be. You had always been the one to resolve things and apologise even when it wasn’t your fault, you didn’t want to do it anymore. He had gone too far this time. 

You didn’t know what to say to him, he was looking at you expectantly as if you were just going to forgive him right then and there, but you couldn’t. 

After a while, you think he realised that. He didn't say anything more, he just pulled you in. You were too tired to fight him. “I'm sorry, you don’t have to say anything. We can talk in the morning…” his arms wrapped around you, warmth cascaded over your skin “please just try and sleep my love… I won’t let you go this time.”

Honestly, you didn’t know what to do. Was it finally time to let him go? Or would he really realise his errors this time? You stayed silent, you would figure this out in the morning. So for now, you let him pull you closer, you let him kiss your forehead and brush your hair out of your face, maybe for the last time.