Wishful Thinking

All the writing that I do, things that spill out of my mind🌺

[weltenwellen]

“There’s a Japanese phrase that I like: koi no yokan. It doesn’t mean love at first sight. It’s closer to love at second sight. It’s the feeling when you meet someone that you’re going to fall in love with them. Maybe you don’t love them right away, but it’s inevitable that you will.”

— Nicola Yoon, The Sun Is Also a Star

[un-lock-ing]

The endless depth that is 365 days means I could spend half of it with you and the other half missing you. It could mean your favorite color isn’t orange anymore. It could mean the distance shrank from 4 hours to 30 mins away. It could mean that the snow that got caught in our hair could foster the spring flowers that I pick for you in the state park we visit. It could mean that your number could grow cobwebs in my phone and another one is lighting up my screen. The years carries such an enormous possibility that I’m not sure I can fully grasp even the next few days. I don’t know if I can even see past the week and if I’ll still see the bright light bouncing off your brown eyes at the start of next Saturday. If your hands will still reach for mine in the July heat, if we will still smile at the sight of each other next December.

Jan 13 2020

[un-lock-ing]

the sunshine reminds me that my happiness is tangible again and the rain holds my hand at night when the silence is too deafening

9/10/19

[un-lock-ing]

Autumn’s Debut in Seattle - 9/7/19

[un-lock-ing]

Autumn's debut It's the first week of September and for awhile I was soaked in sun and warm winds. But tonight, the sky turned fiery and dark purple, and all around my house we were an audience to a beastly rainstorm accompanied by shocking thunder and lightning. The last few weeks have been hard to swallow, with all the loneliness, stress, anxiety and sadness I have been feeling, the world seemed suffocating and for some reason, the hot weather seemed to melt my frown onto my face. But when I turned off all my lights and watched the storm encase my city through my 7th floor apartment window, I felt so alive and cleansed. I watched the city lights below me tremble, the streetlights illuminating the steady pour of rain. The dark blue of the night sky melted into a soft purple when the lightning streaked across the sky. It was just me, my steaming cup of coffee and natures performance. I went on my balcony to capture the beauty of all of it and got completely drenched. I felt like I was 5 again, standing outside my childhood home in the Philippines during monsoon season trying to catch the raindrops on my tongue. Strangely, when I closed my eyes on that balcony, I swear I could smell the coconut oil I rubbed on my grandmothers hair and the hibiscus's she grew in her garden, also drenched in rain. Since my birthday is in November, I always knew I was an autumn baby and that it was my favorite season. Because august is suffocating and the end of all things, while September is fresh starts and rain. September brings new beginnings, hope, motivation. I feel so refreshed and energized after so many days of feeling down. I haven't seen Seattle rain like this in a long time and it felt like a special treat just for me.

9-7-19

[un-lock-ing]

I passed by a coffee shop window today and swore I saw your smile on someone’s face. I swear it was your hair that swung when she laughed. And I could’ve sworn those were the pins on your bag that shined from the overhead lights. I walked past but I stopped after a few steps. What if it was you? It made my heart race and almost made me turn around. But I didn’t. Because it wasn’t you. Now I’m left disappointed and aware just how much I miss you. I’m starting to see you in places you could never be .

[plochere]

An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but it will never break.

[radiantsapphics]

You know that summer feeling, when the sunlight seeps into your skin and you feel the warmth in your heart? That’s how I feel when I think about her.

[un-lock-ing]

It's come to that point in the year again where time seems to drip slower than a melted ice cream cone. When the onset of spring seems to both cool the racing hearts of busy people and warm their skin at the same time.  During these days it seems my memories of childhood and "easier" days seem to be more pronounced and vivid. Summer days on my white linen clad bed with satin gowns and piles of books. Swing sets and monkey bars baking in the sum. Radio buzzing alongside the fireflies. It is always around this time that my heart seems to yearn something that I no longer have. A treasured memory, a journal I kept from 3rd grade, the fried bananas my grandmother used to make me. No matter my achievements and success in the present time, nostalgia always brings me back to a child-like state of wanting. To be free of responsibilities, to be able to have absolutely no clue of the future and having no anxiety about it. To find love in every friend and situation.

March 18 2019

[un-lock-ing]

I wish I could convince myself that letting go is okay. That I don't need to "punish" myself for continuing to feel things that hurt me. I take sadness and cultivate it as though the work I put into it to make it grow will somehow reward me in it's harvest. But all I get when i water the seeds of it is night of endless cold rooms with the lights turned off and half finished coffee on scattered around the kitchen. To grow, I must remember that the sadness other people put upon me is not a gift and I do not need to be a good human being. Yes, sadness is inevitable but good god I do not need to carry the weight of it for years.

 dec 26 2018

[un-lock-ing]

People have reacted to my rather sad disposition in a weary way. Almost everyone tells me to look at my life through rose colored glasses. But lately I have realized that I would rather have yellow tinted glasses to see my world through. I much prefer to see everything look as if it was touched in sunlight. Like my bedroom, the view through my rearview mirror, my classroom and my commute on the train was either brushed with golden or was emanating a soft yellow light. It give much more comfort to see everything as though it could warm my soul and calm me down rather than to make me see only the good things in life.

Dec 24 2018

[un-lock-ing]

I have been alone lately and it made me realize how unbearably uncomfortable i am with myself. I cannot seem to be at peace with my thoughts or emotions and it seems I am unable to be truthful to even myself. There is a blockade i have placed against myself so as not to remember every negative and bad thing that i have done or that has been done unto me. It is unhealthy and it holds back my growth. But it has also mad me realize that if i am uncomfortable with my own loneliness, how am i supposed to deal with another persons entirety of loneliness? If I cannot even deal with the ugliness that i am, how could i appreciate and understand the ugliness of the person i am tryin to love?’ The truth is that maybe i cannot keep love in my life becuase i have not learned with the most basic love. I cannot give to others something that I cannot even fathom or steadily in my own hands

Dec 24 2018

[un-lock-ing]

I am not one that favors rituals and routine. More likely, I crave spontaneous acts and unplanned adventure. Though there is one particular ritual that I crave. There are many more expressions of love such as the gifting of flowers, kissing and hugging. But there is such an intimacy in sharing a cup of coffee and discussing the events of ones life. And this ritual can be between two people or many more, yet the number of people never decreases the intimacy. I love also, how the scenery never fails to be a perfect place to chat, no matter where it is. An old red couch against the wall of a new apartment shared by two best friends on their first take of adulthood. A bus stop bench with summer smoke and dust in the air and ice rattling in the plastic coffee cups. Cafes set in quaint little shopping streets with warm wood floors and soft guitar acoustics mingling with conversations.  I love it because this ritual call upon people who love each other to be together, to have something to sip on while being completely entranced in each others company. It is mean for the people who need a little bit of coffee bitterness to cleanse and recoup, and a ear who'll listen to even the most mundane news.

dec 23 2018 

[un-lock-ing]

Maybe you knew something that I didn’t. When I promised you everything I had, when I told you I’d give my heart and my time to you, maybe your hesitation was valid. Maybe you knew that deep down, I couldn’t give you those things. Maybe you knew that my life was going to be too busy and emotional to keep up with yours too. I’ve said a lot of things to you hoping you would say. And I meant every word of them. But that was my heart talking. My head knew it would take a lot out of me, but it’s knowledge was overshadowed by my feelings and maybe, just maybe you knew that too.

Nov 5 2018

[un-lock-ing]

Your smile made my breath catch and my mouth throw out words of confusion. It was disarming how comfortable and warm seeing you smile at me was. There are people who are beautiful, and then there are people who just seems to glow from within. When your face turned up and your cheeks made your eyes into half moons, oh my god, that smile could have lit up a powerless city

Nov 3 2018

[un-lock-ing]

it hits me sometimes that you probably don't understand how much i loved you. i'll be the first to admit that i am not the best at expressing my feelings verbally, but just because i cant does not mean the expanse of my admiration for you is limited. no, not at all. i loved you in ways i didn't even know i could before i met you. i never knew i could love the way someone rests their cheek on their palm in the middle of a class lecture. i loved you through the frustrated tears and rambling text messages at 3 in the morning. i loved the way you sat, stood, laughed beside me because of the sole purpose that i could read out and touch you any time. i loved you through the many love affairs you had. and sometimes i think you never really understood how far my feelings for you went, because i never told you.

nov 1 2018

[un-lock-ing]

There is just something so right about me loving you. Like rain in Seattle, it seems to be the pinnacle of its purpose. How the rain happily falls to the concrete streets of Southend Seattle, how it skiis down the glass towers of downtown. The late autumn days seem to almost welcome the grey clouds in cheer, for everyone knows Seattleites glow in the drench of downpour. The way my warm coffee and cold ears feel on autum days is the way i feel about you. It is comforting and welcoming

0ct 28 2018