Powerless and Powerful, oh I seem to be
I hold in so much power
and yet, holding it is what takes hold of me.Ā
It reigns my thoughts, physical sensations and my mindĀ
It eventually takes up control each and every time
No matter the awareness, big or small
Harnessing all this power is my down fallĀ
Im subjected to my unpredictable and intense emotions
I feel as though as if my actions have higher value than my will
As if they arenāt the sameĀ
As if those actions arenāt words from my heart
And that terrifies me-
How do i helplessly give meaning to othersĀ
Just for myself?Ā
At the end of it, itās so i can feel loved.Ā
And yet that still terrifies meĀ
Itās hard to explain the feeling of powerlessness of your own emotional heart-
The actions of others seem to always hold more value, even if youāre the architect from the start.Ā
Torn between feeling special and feeling sane,
Overly intense thoughts and words flood my brain,
Self sabotage has became my second name
As I helplessly take a sip of the clear poison in disdain-
Fragmented parts of myself invade in the empty voids that ultimately make me whole
And that wholeness is what finalizes the creation my soul.
Those parts of myself disconnect between my lucid and my dazed state
And at mercy of my own actions and torn between emotional vulnerability and whatās fate
Iām lost in the invisible tug of war of my emotional sanity and insanity-Ā
Fighting for what feels more familiar and what feels more safe
Torn between two different reactions and two different faithsĀ
Paradoxes rules my life- feeling everything but nothing at the same timeĀ
Being powerful yet ultimately powerless;
Consciously making decisions and then feeling regret or shame.Ā
And at the end of it all, I only have myself to blame
