And boy howdy, it is a bad self-insert fic.
For starters, canon! Marsilla would never push random servant girls down the stairs. She was conniving and classist, but she wasn't some evil stepsister cliche. Canon! Marsilla didn't have time to stoop to cheap bullying; not when she had a social ladder to climb.
Even worse, Count Darian absolutely wasn't in the habit of rescuing said servant girls from their tormentors. Especially not if they were half-elves-he hated half-elves for fuck's sake! Count Darian was a racist, power-hungry monster who canonically married Marsilla for her father's money. But unfortunately, he was also hot; as you sadly knew from seeing way too many thirsty Tiktoks praising his abs, his dark hair, and sharp green eyes.
Which was probably why the count was currently escorting Elisen-the purple-eyed, silver-haired, half-elf servant girl in question-to the castle physician instead of being cruel to her. It was a tale as old as time. With terrible men, the fandom either redeemed them, swept their appalling behavior under the rug, or even fetishized it. Terrible women, on the other hand, were almost always transformed into shrill harpies.
You sigh and run after them, withdrawing a tin of ointment from your apron as you do so. Like it or not, there was only one way to survive in this stupid fic; getting on precious, precious Elisen's good side.
But the more you hang out with Elisen, the worse it gets. As the day wears on, three more eligible bachelors meet and fall in love with Elisen. The "eligible bachelors" being as follows: Crown Prince Mathias, General Draegan, and Tristan the court bard. All of which is wrong on so many levels.
Tristan, being the protagonist of Sing Among The Flames, has or will have his own love quadrangle to deal with-apparently Elenwen, Greagoir, and Moira just don't matter to the author. General Draegan is not only 40 years old but yet another evil, power-hungry villain, one who teams up with Darian to start a civil war. And Crown Prince Mathias is canonically gay-not just that, but him being gay is a crucial plot point. Unfortunately, all of these men are hot, so into Elisen's harem they go, canonical sexualities and relationships be damned.
The author isn't satisfied with just screwing up canon to build her own personal harem, however. By the end of the day King Valtus has straight up promoted Elisen to the position of Queen Sarae's lady-in-waiting. Which he would never do in canon, which nobody would do in canon, because in canon only noblewomen were appointed as ladies-in-waiting. Don't worry, you were also promoted-to the position of lady's maid for Elisen. Which means it is officially your job to suck up to her.
Fortunately, Elisen proves to be easily flattered-all you need to do is brush her hair later that night and harp on about how beautiful she is-and instantly the voice of The Narrator declares that you are her best friend.
Ah, yes. The fucking Narrator-only you seem to be able to hear her, for some reason; everyone else just ignores it when she randomly infodumps from up above. These infodumps are a distracting nuisance you could do without, especially since you can't see her and strongly suspect her to be this fic's author.
After Elisen has gone to bed, you receive a mysterious summons from Queen Sarae. Curious, you obediently make your way over to the queen's chamber. Where, to your surprise, Queen Sarae is dressed not in a nightgown but in a cloak, rough linen shirt, and trousers.
"You must be wondering why I summoned you in the middle of the night," the queen acknowledges, pulling on a fair of fingerless gloves.
You nod, even though you're actually wondering what the queen is planning to do this late at night, and why on earth she isn't simply using a catspaw to do it instead.
"I summoned you because I noticed-and I think you must have too-that something strange is happening."
"Like what?" you ask neutrally. Normally, that something strange would be a result of the villains' schemes, but canon has gone so off the rails it could be anything.
"Like Count Darian ending his engagement to Marsilla Hendricks," Queen Sarae answers, pursing her lips. "Even though he is strapped for cash and Jens Hendriks has made an obscene fortune in the silk trade."
"Perhaps he is too proud to marry a merchant's daughter, no matter how wealthy," you suggest with a shrug. It's the only canon-preserving explanation you can muster.
"He did not seem so proud as that before today," Queen Sarae muses, "In fact, before today he appeared quite enamored with Marsilla."
Crap. Of course he' would-Darian and Marsilla had never had relationship problems in canon before she backstabbed him in the final book.
"General Draegan is also very interested in elven customs all of a sudden," the queen added. "During dinner the court was treated to a lovely ballad about some mysterious purple-eyed beauty, and I found this in my son's chambers."
Queen Sarae hands you a piece of paper, which to your horror contains a love poem about Elisen.
"I'm not asking you to be disloyal to your mistress, but I swear she is connected to it somehow. I just don't know how."
Tears of joy leak out of your eyes. Finally. Someone else has noticed how off the rails everything is.
But then the Narrator interrupts, yelling:
"Wait, what are you two doing? You're supposed to be Elisen's friends!"
You then hear a furious scribbling sound from above, as if someone is crossing out sentences in a giant notebook.
"Fine," the Narrator whines. "Have it that way. But little did Elisen know that Emily was plotting-"
"Oh, do shut up girl," Queen Sarae snaps as she looks up at the ceiling. "You've been a nuisance all day."
"You can hear her?!" you gasp, unable to believe your ears.
Queen Sarae looks back at you, blinking in surprise.
"And so can you, apparently."
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