my family is not made of humans.
i was born in a severely abusive enviroment, where all i knew was fear and violence. everyday i would wake up terrified that it'd be another day that i'd feel physical and emotional pain, caused by the ones who should be loving and protecting me the most. they seemed to enjoy to take all of their frustrations out on me and my sister, and beat us up until we could no longer move. they'd humiliate us, threaten us and destroy our sense of security so we could no longer ask for help. not that i'd make a difference - everytime we did ask for help, adults around us would ignore or stay silent.
i don't have a family. my mother is a narcisistic, violent and delusional woman who only sees me a source of money and nothing else. my father is completely absent, as he always was (except when he was beating us up), and thinks sending me a "good morning" text everyday can make it up for what he did. my sister... i think she loves me. sometimes she hates me too. i suppose i'm her walking reminder that she was an abuse survivor, and that's all she wants to avoid so she can start over. i get it.
my friends are lovely. they're almost like family to me, except they don't understand how it's like to have no one else. it seems unfair; to look at them like they're my last hope, and to know that they don't understand the feeling, because they have loving mothes, sisters and relatives alike. they have support - i do not. i think that's what hurts me the most, at the end of the day. they don't know how it's like to be alone. and if they don't, they will never understand this giant hole inside my chest.
my partner is a two-sided coin. seeing from one perspective, he loves me, cares about me, protects me and tries his best. but from the other, he's negligent. he doesn't understand that his past makes me insecure, afraid, sad and miserable. if he could just start affirming me everyday how much all of this does not matter and that i'm his one and only, that i'm the one that truly matters, i'd be happy. but he doesn't; he barely gives me affection when i'm depressed. he just lets me be. i suppose if i had killed myself this morning when i took my keys and left without a single positive thought in my head, he would take some good few hours to even notice. he'd be asleep. that's why it's so hard for me to trust him; i have to tell him every single think i need, all the time. i'm tired.
so looking at the bigger picture and making it simple, i'm all alone in this world. i've got no one. no human being can understand this pain of being completely left behind by everyone around me. no one understands the excruciating horror of existing without human warmth and support. no one can feel what i feel, and they never will. and that's the reason sometimes - actually, all the time - i think about ending it all. just putting an end to it, forever. this thought actually brings me peace. i wish i could have peace. and when i finally rest, i'm sure i'll have it.
but then, there's them. my only light in this world. my reason to exist. my will to keep going. my animals. god, i love them. i really do.
how can i possibly begin to explain how much i love these small, unique, kind and pure beings? they're everything i have in this life. it's funny how they're not the ones who chose to be adopted by us, and yet they're happy to be around and feel extremely grateful to be by your side. these little fellas can change your whole day with a single "meow", and make it all worth it.
all of them mean so much to me. their lives, their health, their happiness, their little hearts. when i have them around me, i feel like i have a purpose: giving love and taking care of them. it makes that chronical hole a little smaller, and it warms my chest up from the inside. i don't know, it's like they have this spark of life in them that lits me up whenever i want to end this existence for once and all.
they did not chose to live with me, but they chose to love me, and they still choose it everyday. they choose to be happy around me. to make me smile. to take care of me when i cry, and to sleep by my side when i'm hopeless. they also choose to be tricky assholes sometimes, but isn't it part of the fun of having these little fellas? i love them even when they're bothering me.
when my mom beat me up, i cried to my dogs. when i felt desperate and alone, i cried to cindy. when i tried to kill myself, napo was there, staring at me like he didn't want to see my crying and cutting my legs while taking random meds. when my ex made me so insanely desperate to end my life that i couldn't move out of the bed, cheetah and ciel were there. ciel was with me everyday after my traumatic breakup, until he could no longer be. when the pain of still living with my abuser - my own mother - hit me like a truck, kiri licked my tears off my face. when i wanted to have fun in the middle of this chaotic and painful life, blue made me smile being silly. and now, when i want to get this goddamn rope i bought for them and hang myself in the balcony, adônis quietly sits on my legs and sleeps like an angel. cheetah watches me carefully too.
whoever you are, if you're reading this, can you understand me? they're the only family i have. they're all i got. i have no one, i never had. everyone left. no one understands. no one can even imagine how it feels to have the unique experience of being completely alone and helpless in a huge, cruel world. and they never will, and this world will never forgive me for being like this. for being born wrong, broken beyond repair. no one will stand by me.
but they will.
