unfreethinker

Menulis selalu menyenangkan. Bahkan disaat menyakitkan sekalipun.

[unfreethinker]

Sebuah Awal

Aku datang bukan tanpa cerita, tapi di sini, semua terasa berbeda. Langit Bali menyambut dengan diam, awan bergeser menghapus jejak lama pelan-pelan.

Hari-hari baru berjalan pelan, dengan wajah-wajah yang belum kukenal, jalan-jalan yang asing di mata, dan udara yang menciumku tanpa tanya.

Aku belajar ulang cara bernapas, cara merasa tenang di tengah riuh, cara tersenyum meski ragu, dan cara berdiri meski sendiri.

Kadang sepi datang tanpa aba-aba, kadang rindu menyelinap dari sela-sela. Tapi aku tahu, ini bukan akhir. Ini awal dari versi diriku yang lebih besar.

Bali, biarkan aku tumbuh perlahan. Tak ingin cepat, tak perlu pasti, asal jujur langkahku menapak, dan hatiku tetap berani mencari.

[unfreethinker]

Letter to Future Self

Dear Future Me,

I hope you're doing well and feeling happy with where life has taken you. Right now, I’m just sitting here wondering how things have turned out for you. Did you reach the goals you set? Did you learn to roll with the ups and downs?

Life hasn’t been easy, but I’ve been pushing through. I know there have been moments when you wanted to quit, but I hope you stayed strong. Remember all those late nights full of doubt and worry? I hope you look back now and see how far you’ve come.

Are you still enjoying the little things? A good book, a beautiful sunrise, the sound of laughter? I hope you haven’t lost sight of what really matters.

I just want to say thank you to myself, for working so hard, for pushing through loneliness, failure, and even humiliation. For all the times you cried in secret, afraid of being judged. Thank you for not giving up. Thank you for sticking it out even when it felt impossible. And thank you for your patience in raising Sojun, Soba, Shiro, and Mongi despite all the limitations. Sorry for carrying so much pain inside for so long.

Switching careers and becoming an entrepreneur flipped life upside down. It was tough. There were so many moments when I wanted to walk away, but I didn’t have many options. So I kept going. I hope that by now, you’re seeing the results of all that hard work.

I hope you’ve continued to grow, learn, and be kind to yourself and others. No matter where you are now, I want you to be proud of how far you’ve come. Keep moving forward, one step at a time. And don’t forget to take a deep breath and enjoy the ride.

With love, Your Past Self

[unfreethinker]

Punya Tuhan yang Dinamis

Memasuki tahun keempat menjalani usaha ini, setiap hari masih kesulitan,- cukup, tetapi terasa kurang. Segala hal diupayakan, rejeki datang masih sangat sungkan. Lagi- lagi aku meragukan kemampuan dan keputusanku sendiri. Lagi- lagi aku sibuk menghitung ketidakpunyaan diri.

2024 bukan tahun terbaik, kataku, meski jauh lebih baik dari yang lalu. Keinginan untuk menghilang sudah tidak lagi menghantui. Cobaan dan godaan tetap saja datang, hanya saja aku sekarang lebih kuat menghadapinya.

Sebentar dibuat tertawa, sebentarnya menangis seperti tidak ada hari esok. Sesaat bisa saja riang gembira, setelahnya murung murka. Padahal seingatku, semua hal ku lakukan dengan cara yang sama, setiap hari ku lalui dengan cara yang sama. Kenapa berkat berubah- ubah?

[unfreethinker]

Sedikit Kejutan

Setelah menerima panggilan telepon dari seorang recruiter asal Hongkong bernama Grace, hatiku berkecamuk. Duduk di atas kasur, pandangan kosong, dan pikiranku penuh. Tiba- tiba aku mendengar jantungku berdegup sangat kencang. Tawaran kerja di Filipina.

Apakah aku akan kembali kesana? Mungkinkah ini jawaban dari doa panjangku,- hidup yang lebih baik dan bahagia? Bisakah aku membawa Soba dan Mongi?

Sedikit kejutan dari Tuhan hari ini. Cukup menguras energiku. Menyentuh apapun, aku tidak lagi dapat fokus.

[unfreethinker]

Tinggal Sebentar Bersama 2023

Tidak seperti kemarin, pagi ini hangat.

Dedaunan di halaman samping berembun namun tidak basah.

Harum aroma rumput, tajam menusuk.

Tanpa sadar menghadirkan simpul senyum.

Kemarin bertukar cerita, hidup tak kan selalu sama.

Tidak perlu dinikmati, tapi ya jalani saja.

Sepanjang 2023, aku lupa. Seberapa banyak air mata ku habiskan, dalam hening dan diam.

Aku lupa. Seberapa sering aku ingin berhenti. Untuk selamanya.

"Apakah anjingku akan sedih jika aku mati". Pencarian di Safari.

Sepanjang 2023, aku pilu. Aku rindu. Aku yang dulu.

Di akhir 2023, aku merasa hidup.

Aku ingin hidup lebih lama lagi.

Terus lagi. Hidup bersama anjing- anjingku.

Esok memang semenakutkan itu. Adakah rumah untuk ku pulang?

[unfreethinker]

Bertahan

Berhari- hari halaman dan dapurku sepi.

Rejeki yang biasanya seperti enggan mampir.

Senja ditemani kabut dan gerimis sedari siang.

Dua perempuan datang mengendarai sepeda motor.

Malam larut, cerita berlanjut.

Isi kepala dan hati sebenarnya sungkan berbagi kisah.

Terlalu lama aku larut dalam kebencian akan hidup.

Tetapi satu kalimatnya membuatku tertegun.

"Di sini, yang penting adalah bertahan. Karena kebanyakan akan memilih mundur setelah berjuang setahun".

Hingga kini aku merasa sedang berjalan di tempat.

Ditinggal semua orang, sendiri di belakang.

Ketika menoleh ke belakang, aku bisa melihat.

Melihat perjalanan panjangku.

Aku tidak jalan di tempat.

Hanya lebih lambat dari yang lain.

Masihkah aku mampu bertahan?

[unfreethinker]

Sekeping Rasa yang Hilang

Ketika bersama tak lagi bermakna, baiknya hati tidak dipaksa.

Karena rasa, adalah hambar jika tak bertuan, tak berteman.

Sebentar kemarin meruah air mata, setelahnya ada sedikit tawa.

Lelah merajut asa yang kini sia- sia, saatnya kita saling melupakan.

[unfreethinker]

It's Dark Down Here

Can somebody lend a hand?

it's cold down here. After all the mistakes I did again.

I need help.

[unfreethinker]

My mind is a chaotic storm, and I can't decipher what's troubling me. Each day feels like an uphill battle, leaving me drained and disheartened. It seems there's no escape, and I find myself lacking self-control

[unfreethinker]

Tepat Waktu

Kuatir yang menghantui

Takut yang mengikuti

Dan tangis yang menemani

Hari Selasa itu aku duduk. Termenung menatap langit mendung melalui jendela kaca. Dalam hati "Please jangan hujan".

Sejenak merenung, hujan pun turun. Doa yang satu ini, tidak tergenapi. Oh mungkin belum rejeki, kata hati ini.

Entah berapa lama, langit mendung berubah gelap. Lagi, aku menatap lurus ke depan. Kosong. Hari ini tidak ada rejeki, sesal dalam hati.

Tepat pukul 7, lampu- lampu kendaraan menyinari jendela kaca. Dari dalam mobil, mereka turun dalam hening. Berjalan bersisian, menuju meja makan.

Bergegas aku keluar, menghampiri dengan senyum lebar.

Oh, ternyata ada rejeki hari ini, teriak dalam hati.

[unfreethinker]

Finding Blessings in Everyday Hustles

Life's a rollercoaster of surprises—sometimes laughter, sometimes tears. Lately, I've been thinking, maybe it's time to stop chasing after the glitz and glamour. God's been showering blessings I didn't even realize I deserved. 🙏💫

Working hand in hand with the government while juggling my small business is exhausting, but you know what? It's also pretty darn exciting. Every day brings new challenges, new lessons learned, and a chance to share my knowledge with others. Here's to hoping this mix will be the magic potion for a turnaround in my life.

Nearly three years of hard work and honesty—I've poured my heart into it. Praying that God keeps the blessings coming for the sake of my financial stability. Super stoked to see what's around the corner!

[unfreethinker]

Silent Symphony

Navigating the path of a solo entrepreneur far from the city center took me through the ebb and flow of a unique set of challenges. Operating without a dedicated team means I wear many hats, from cook, serve, social media manager, to accountant, and the quiet days, where not a single customer graced the establishment, brought their own set of trials. The hauntingly silent periods means not just financial pressures, as I grapple with maintaining operational costs on slow days, but also a sense of solitude in the kitchen.

Seizing the quiet days became a delicate dance between managing costs, staying motivated, and keeping the flame of culinary passion alive, even in the absence of a bustling crowd.

[unfreethinker]

Recent history tab: How to stop sharing problems with others

Write them down. It's an excellent way to expressing feelings without bothering outsider.

Again, not everyone can relate to the pain.

[unfreethinker]

rain rain go away

I am very passionate with my business. I try all possible things to keep this place nice and warm for my customers. But the weather this month has been very very unkind. Dark clouds loom since the eleven. As for the thunders, they come and go until late night. Let alone the long term electricity brown out. This already quiet complex has become emptier during these gloomy days. Most of the indoor areas had been abandoned for days, our beautiful brown wooden chairs and tables sat empty almost every day.

Earlier today, I stood outside just across the fish pond outside, stared at the heavy rain and talked to myself "I know these days have been tough for you. The only thing you can't afford to lose is hope". In despair, I nodded as I sipped my milk coffee. Doubtless is because I work alone now. I had no one to talk to,- to share stories about the customers, the gossips in town... My heart is heavy as I walked inside the house after I finished with my coffee.

Putting my fingers on my laptop keyboard while staring at the wet glass window in front, I started crying. Will I ever be survive? "Oh yeah of course you will! The downpour might have caused a temporary dark shadow for your business. But this won't be long! The muds and puddles will be soon gone. The colorful umbrellas will be slowly disappear".

Wiping tears away, I smile and put my hand on my chest "Lord be my guide. Warmth and smile will always be served in this place no matter the weather".

[unfreethinker]

"Stop Speaking the Language"

Mastering English is one the most essential keys in developing personal growth. It is indeed used widely but as other competencies, learning English does depend on someone's personal interest. As for me, learning English can be very fun and intellectually stimulating. I spend most of my spare time to read English texts or simply listen to English songs. The moment I understand the meaning of the song is really rewarding. I remember back in senior high school era we learned Germany as an extracurricular subject for only once in a week and I was unhappy with that. I wished that subject would have been taught in class every day. I have always loved to learn foreign languages that I started learn Korean as well. 

University era has always been my favourite. I learned Germany every single day! I can speak my mother language, English, and now Germany. During college, I met many foreigners who came for a student exchange program. I couldn’t stop practicing language as I was determined to be their friend and I wanted to take them for a tour in the city. 

The ability to communicate well in English is highly beneficial in my career growth. I worked in a multi-national company for roughly 8 years where I had  the opportunity to meet clients from across the world. The more I met important people, the better is my English proficiency. 

Running my own business far from the city centre is challenging. What surprises me is the fact that my small business has reached foreigners from over 129 kilometres away! There were couple from France and Japan who travelled to Samosir Island in 2022 & 2023 and in one fine afternoon they visited my place. “We were looking for a nice place to hang out and Trip Advisor recommended your place”. These couples don’t speak Indonesian and I don’t speak either France and Japanese. Again, English has successfully bridged the communication between us.  

Living in a small town with only 43.000 of populations, it is unfortunate that I am not able to use English that much. Some people do not have the knowledge and the rest are just refuse to accept the benefit of this most  spoken language in the world. In some events and gathering, people make fun of me for using English- Indo language. “Please stop speaking that language, we are Batak, speak our own language”. 

Recently, I met them again for some meetings with another local government. We are invited to be a part of the Tourist Guide Association. Lucky, I may be able to speak English again! A manager of Paragliding community approached me, “How long do I need to study the language just to be able to communicate with foreign tourists? I wonder if you can help with this”. I am more than happy to help! 

It is essential to honor and maintain our mother language, -Batak language, as our first and native language. Batak language is not only a way to communicate, but is also a fundamental part of our identity, heritage and culture. However, understanding English will help us to connect with people globally. English- language promotions will help create a positive impression and encourage tourists to visit. With English and other languages, we can introduce our culture better and let the people immerse in it. 

[unfreethinker]

satu- satu tergenapi

Semua terjadi begitu cepat.

Semua.

Aku ingat betul 2 minggu kemarin ku habiskan menyusun proposal untuk diajukan ke Dinas Pariwisata. Berulang kali aku ganti, berulang kali aku susun. Jemariku bergerak cepat, sembari otakku bekerja mengimbanginya. Sekali lagi, aku bekerja terlalu keras untuk sebuah hal yang aku sendiri tidak tau akankah berhasil atau tidak. Tapi aku tau bahwa ragu dan kuatir tidak akan membawaku kemana pun.

Senin, 4 September 2023 menjadi sebuah moment berharga. Proposalku diterima dengan baik! Aku tau perjalanan masih panjang, tetapi hatiku tidak berhenti bersorak "Tuhan baik!". Terima kasih semesta, sudah memberkati rencana awalku. Biarlah Roh Kudus menyertai aku dan segenap team, mulai penyusunan crew sampai hari H.

Tidak ada kata terlambat untuk berbuat sesuatu yang baru dan besar. Doaku bertahun lalu, satu- satu tergenapi.

[unfreethinker]

Mengeringkan tangan yang basah setelah mencuci piring ke sisi kiri dan kanan celanaku, kemudian duduk dan mengatur nafas sejenak. Hi! Ini aku. Kembali bekerja sendiri setelah karyawan ku berikan izin cuti sepekan penuh. Berbulan lalu aku ingat betul kejadian seperti ini terjadi juga. Tetapi dulu itu aku belum berhasil belajar menerima kenyataan, bahwa manusia- yang ku kenal beberapa, hanya peduli yang baik baginya, yang menyenangkan baginya, yang menguntungkan baginya, yang menjadi kesukaannya.

Ini ku tulis sembari duduk di sebelah pintu dapur, pkl 7 lewat 18 menit menuju malam yang sebenarnya. Angin menyapaku lembut dari arah kiri, menemaniku merangkai kata dan kalimat.

Yang membuatku bertanya, kenapa tidak seorangpun keluargaku berlaku seperti manusia- manusia itu? Tidak ada yang menikmati sukacita seorang diri.

Keluargamu jugakah?