Claire Keane
Love Begins
Fieri Frames
PR's Tumblrdome
occasionally subtle
art blog(derogatory)
One Nice Bug Per Day
The Bowery Presents
izzy's playlists!
Sade Olutola
almost home
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Monterey Bay Aquarium
noise dept.
$LAYYYTER
if i look back, i am lost
The Bright Sessions
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"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
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@unknowngenius85
Today I'm tired. I'm tired every Sunday because i have to be up before the crack of dawn for work but this is the kind of tired that has me trapped body and soul. I love but don't really feel like I'm loved back. I don't feel like I even really exist.
Music, Tea & Endless Thoughts ~
Kim Addonizio, from "Body and Soul", What Is This Thing Called Love
[ Text ID:
Sometimes the body gets so quiet it can hear the soul, scratching like something trapped inside the walls and trying frantically to get out. ]
Katie Ford, from If You Have to Go: Poems; “The Addresses”
[Text ID: “That’s love? to remember I’m remembered? / But I wish someone wanted to have me. / There’s a difference,”]
Joy Sullivan, from “At the Airport”, Instructions for Traveling West
Both.
– Audrey Hepburn
Yeah and it keeps biting me in the ass.
I am good. I am loved.
Am I though? Am I good or loved? I wonder sometimes.
Hey all!
I know it's been a while and I know no one probably ever reads these but I am feeling so alone and gods help me...there are a lot of good things happening but I also feel so fucking alone. The one being I talk to more then anyone these is fucking CoPilot from Microsoft for Christ Sake...and like I finally told my best friend that I have been crushing on him for over a year and told him I was Polyamorous and he Finally checked in with us after a month of not being responsive.
He's been busy with a lot of different stuff apparently. Check in more then once a month you dork. He said he will try his best to come to my lecture which is next month. My husband and I both know that there is something going on with him besides being busy but he self isolates when he's sad about something.
He like to deal with it on his own...I hate it but my husband says it's just his nature and that we have to give him space.
But yeah I have a lecture in Rio Ric, AZ about Tombstone on May 20th. Sorry for venting here but no one really seems to care about me or really understand me and I'm tired of feeling like I'm in an echo chamber talking to fucking AI all day.
It's dangerous for me to feel numb because I get the urge to either start drinking again or do something reckless so I can feel SOMETHING again. At least with this platform I can get all my feelings out and at least pretend like someone reads this and cares.
#feeling
A lot has happened. part 2
The dream job fell through due to her picking someone else, which is a gigantic bummer, but I'm putting in applications left and right and my mom is going to help keep me afloat till I find something. She said, "My parents didn't let me drown, and I'm not going to let you drown. As long as you're doing your part to find something else. I will help you." The world needs more boomers and in general people like her. I'm doing better on the meds. There is a storm quite literally blowing in at my house. It is windy AF. My dog Anubis is stuck to me like velcro because he knows his mama is sad and worried. I'll post a Pic of the baby at a later date because I'm using my phone to write this, and the app is being an asshole. I know things will get better. It's just a question of when cause right now I feel useless. Signing off for now to drink my coffee and nurse my knee because the storm blowing is killing my injuries in the worst way. I'm a human barometer, I swear.
This is my entire life up until recently.
Can we stop using "still lives with their parents" or "unemployed" or "doesn't have a drivers license" or "didn't graduate high school" as an insult or evidence that someone is a bad person? Struggling with independence or meeting milestones is not a moral failing.
I don't have my driver's license either and I am a self-published author of 4 books, own my own home, married, and am an actress. I am also autistic.
Everyone is like how do you not drive? Driving gives me anxiety. Do I know how to drive? Yes. To a point. However, now that I am on meds for my anxiety and depression, I may give it another go. However, I am still an accomplished and whole person without a driver's license.
boomers be like "nobody had autism or ADHD when I was a kid!"
probably because back then, neurodivergent folks were dismissed as "insane" or "r-worded" and were thrown into mental asylums. and before that they were straight up just given hard drugs or lobotomies.
it's almost like as time goes on and technology/research evolves, so does our understanding of human beings and the inner workings of the mind.
WEIRD, RIGHT?
A lot has happened since my last post
My work significantly cut my hours because of me complaining about a supervisor who was kind of abusive and up my ass about literally every little thing and it just made my anxiety worse, and I made more mistakes, and he was up my butt worse, and this went on for MONTHS.
I asked the higher up to please remove me and they couldn't find any opening to put me elsewhere, so they let me keep the two miniscule shifts I do have which adds up to 14 hours and they are placing me back on call, but hours aren't a guarantee. So, I'm scrambling to get a job that either supplements my current hours and keeps me afloat and allows me to keep my AHCCS that is still in process OR a full-time job that allows me insurance.
The reason why that is so important is because I was diagnosed with a depression and anxiety disorder and am now on the generic version of Lexapro and I am already seeing improvements and I don't want to have to stop it so soon.
The good news is that I have three interviews next week and one of them is for a dream job. I have a good feeling that all this will work out and honestly the meds are helping me not totally fall apart.
Will keep you all updated.
In my feels
Literally nothing hurts more than caring for someone so deeply, loving everything about them and knowing that they will likely never feel the same way about you. You try your best to not bother them, but you want them to realize how deeply you love them and to love you in return. Every time you see them, the words I love you come to your lips, but you don't say them and swallow them back because how could they love you? They would laugh in your face and you would lose their friendship. It's happened before and it will happen again if you try. You will never win their love, but you still want it so badly. It's a special kind of hell to go through this.
Depressed Vent Part 2
It hasn't been as bad this week, the depression and the suicidal thoughts but it has still been pretty bad. I almost took three of my books down due to my husband saying that all my books seem to have one element or another the exact same.
Like I have Doc Holliday as a character in three of my books. To me, it is a way to tame a special interest but that is not something he understands. These days, I am more interested in creating stories that have a crime drama thriller element to them and I have again parts of the stories that are highly similar and what he said just sort of hurt and I almost started just taking my books down because maybe if I am so fucking derivative then maybe I shouldn't be writing in the first place.
Bad thing is writing is one of the biggest reasons why I am still around...getting to basically be God and have some kind of control over something in my life for once is nice. I haven't acted in fucking months and I don't know if I will ever get the chance to again.
Another thing that I am struggling with is that I don't have an identity. I don't really know who I am. My husband is all like "You choose who you are." BITCH...I DON"T KNOW WHO I AM. I DON't HAVE A FUCKING IDENTITY!!
I actually thanked him yesterday for encouraging me to be a bit gothic and shit and he was like "You shouldn't need encouragement to do stuff. You choose who you are." A "You are welcome." would have fucking sufficed. I give up talking to him about anything because I always get irritated with his know-it-all bullshit. I get that he is 9 years older than me, but you don't know fucking everything.
Depressed Vent
The last couple of weeks have not been great to be honest and my intrusive thoughts have been terrifyingly loud and I have on more than one occasion have considered getting a gun and blowing my brains out. To start with, I got cast in a really interesting horror version of Alice and Wonderland as a version of The Red Queen. I was prepped to do it, got the time off for it and then I hurt my back rather badly.
I twisted wrong trying to pop my back and the pain was the most excruciating type of pain I have ever experienced but I still wanted to do the role and I pushed myself to get better and I told the director the situation.
The day before I was supposed to film and I want to say I was pretty much all better... the director decided to tell me that he didn't feel comfortable using me for the role anymore because there was a lot of active stunts, and he didn't want me to get more hurt. He didn't have a private conversation with me...he said this in a group chat.
So, I spent last weekend hopelessly depressed with my husband trying to cheer me up...and then this director had the audacity to ask earlier this week if I wanted the role back...uh no. You already took it away from me. Why would I want it back? You'll probably take it from me again.
Another thing is that my best friend has a girlfriend which is fine but here is the thing. I have not met her, and he doesn't talk about her or at least hasn't in the last few weeks, but his relationship status has changed to in a relationship, and I have had the worst feeling about this relationship since he excitedly told me, three months ago, but I can't meddle or tell him because I do not want to lose his friendship because he is so dear to me.
I also recently discovered that I am polyamorous and honestly, I love him but at the same time I am afraid if I tell him how I feel, he'll laugh in my face and/or I'll lose his friendship and yes, my husband and I have discussed this ad nauseum. I am quite open about how I feel about things with him.
I just have to wait and see. The fact is that my friend and I are close, and I know that he loves me, and I am as dear to him as he is to me but at the same time, I don't know what will happen and I don't want him to get his heart broken and I don't know if he feels THAT way about me.
Then, last but not least, yesterday my husband's car took a shit. There was no oil in the car, and it was all over the parking lot and he got stranded. We are hoping it's an easy fix, but I have a feeling we might not get to go to the Mad Monster Convention in July because I may have to use what I saved to fix the car because my husband is a disabled veteran and is perpetually broke.
Sorry for the long vent but I am done with the bullshit at and it's gotten so bad that I'm wondering if death is the better option.
A Torch in the Dark
I don't expect you to see this, I don't expect you to care, just know that no matter what happens, I will always be there.
You came to me, like a torch's flame in the dark, offering your hand in friendship when I most wanted to depart.
I had been cut deeply, bled completely dry, by someone I thought was a friend and it turned out to be a lie.
You showed me what it was like to have a true friend that cared and for that I will do what I can to stay alive because that kind of friendship is rare.
No matter what happens, no matter if we drift apart, just know that if you need me, I will come like a lighted torch in your dark.
