Unpublished Inkstains

inexperienced manunula(t) 🍃 | This is a bilinggual blog

[unpublishedinkstains]

Nakalaya na ako sa kadena ng kahapon, aking bilangguan ay tinalikuran. Nakulong noong kailan, dala-dala ang mga bagahe ng nakaraan. Ngayon ako'y makakalaya nang walang hawak-hawak. Balik sa umpisa ngunit alam ko na kung saan magsisimula, nakaukit sa aking palad ang mga plano't balak.

Saan magsisimula? Hanggang kailan? Hanggang saan? Mga katanungang matagal nang bumabagabag sa aking isipan. Bago pa humantong sa aking sariling bilangguan, kung aking iisipin ay 'yon ba ang aking naging sala? Ang aking krimen at kaso, ako rin ang nagpasimuno.

Sa aking pagkalaya, aalpas at sasabay sa daluyong ng karagatan. Pahimakas sa nagdaan, ako'y magpapatuloy..

Padayon, laban.

[unpublishedinkstains]

To the Cut that Always Bled. By | Unpublished Inkstains 🪶

I don't know where this should start but I know deep down, it's already reached its end. Each word I will let drift in the wind, shall it be carried to wherever it should be in. This isn't exactly a "Goodbye" nor is it a "Hello." This is the part, or rather the art of actually letting go. But this will be quick, not something sappy to cry over. I just need to answer a few questions that have--until today--haunted my soul.

____________________

Was it all a mistake? Yes, it was. Though I regret nothing, and it's not something I hide from. In another life? It's best that we don't, I have a strong belief in the afterlife and I don't want to get impaled by the same sword I died from. Will I see you later? I guess so— but deep down I pray that our paths are parallel. Seeing a vital part of me walk-away isn't something I'm a fan of. ____________________

I now walk this muddy road, feeling every debris with my toes. I feel the cuts get deeper, but the same can be said for the callus that's grown. I will no longer bleed for us, I bleed for myself alone.

Though our scar has been covered by bandages long ago, I admit I've been opening this wound that's tightly been sown. But not because I'm a masochist, but because I learned that some things need to breathe before it could truly be free.

[unpublishedinkstains]

Bangon, tulala, kilos. by | unpublished inkstains 🪶

Tatlong gawain na halos abutin ng tatlumpu' minuto tapusin. Kung hindi ko lang kailangang kumayod para lang makahinga, aabutin siguro ng tatlong araw bago matapos talaga. Nakasiksik sa oras pati ang pag hinga, dinaig pa ang impyerno sa paikot-ikot at ulit-ulit ng mga bagay na dapat tinatawag na "ikinasanayan" ko na. Mas nasanay pa akong mawala sa aking isipan kaysa mag-ehersisyo at umunat sa paggising. Sa pag kain, sa pag ligo, pati pag bangon, mas naging ugali ko pang tumulala at mag-isip buong maghapon.

"Paano na ang renta o upa, ang kuryente ba'y natabihan ko na? Medyo naka-ipon naman ako para sa tubig at kayang ma-buo ngayong linggo ang pang internet na pang-aral ng aking kapatid."

Hilaw sa edad na bente, ngunit ang isipan ay hinog na sa tatlumpu'. Ang dapat na mga oras upang ilaan sa saya, napalitan ng mga gabing pinipilit ang sarili na magising sa matapang na kape at pag-tingala, kasama ang tuluyang pag pa-paalala ng isip na "kulang pa."

"Bangon. Tulala. Kilos." Nakakarindi, pero minsan tama. Lihim na inuulit sa aking sarili kapag nilalamon na ako ng mga responsibilidad na pilit ipinabuhat ng malupit na mundo sa akin.

[unpublishedinkstains]

Cognizance of Decay by | unpublished inkstains 🪶

As story books always start with the first page, I start to wonder if I was printed the wrong way. Sorry if some of my letters are stained with blotted-ink and tear stains, I never noticed that sometimes I get consumed in the comfort of my own space.

They say it's normal to get papercuts from each page, but why are my leaves cold to the touch and pierce through my fingers as they burn me? There must be something wrong with me. Maybe it's the way I was manufactured or handled. I lay in this dust shelf, speculating the possible reasons to it.

I'm not sure how long it's been since someone has broken my stems, it feels like each page could fall out if someone opened the cover as it wilts away. Barely legible but not something one could no longer comprehend. Am I going to be one with the wood stocks used to light fire to another person's cold winter day?

I think long and hard, will I still be read? Even if I were to be found again, Would they be able to tell which part of me is my start from the end?

[unpublishedinkstains]

Mapaglarong y Media ni | Unpublished Inkstains 🪶

Sa dinami-daming orasan at relo na ibinigay at iniregalo sa akin mula noon, hindi ko parin makuha-kuha ang sapat na panahon para magawa ang mga bagay na dati nama'y nasa bungad lang ng palad ko. Anong nag bago? Kahit ilang beses kong titigan, ayusin, at pag isipan. Nasa iisang lugar naman ngunit ang mga daliri ng bawat orasan ay 'di parin mapantay-pantay. Palaging may nauuna ng ilang minuto, minsan hindi ko na din alam at baka nahuhuli pala ito ng ilang segundo. Magulo.

Tila parang nawawalan ng oras, pero ang kwarto'y puno ng numero. Ilang daang oras ang hawak ngunit parang hinahabol ako ng mga kamay ng minuto. Wala na akong maintindihan, hindi naman ito sipnayan para 'di makuha't malaman.

Baliktad na ata ang mundo ko, bakit ako ang napadpad sa palad ng oras? bakit ako na ang pinapaikot-ikot nito?

[unpublishedinkstains]

Random Inkstain #04

There are only so much things under the "5 Second Rule." None of which is limited to meeting people for the first time, you see a smile, you find out your common interests, and in no less than 60 minutes you're each other's best friend.

What a joke. That doesn't work in this world I'm walking on, all these plastic smiles that could melt the moment they get too close whenever I light up my cigarette. All these fake, heart-melting words that make them sound like they mean everything. You don't find a box off the street that says "Treasure" written all over without having second thoughts and doubts of it being anything else otherwise. Curiosity isn't wrong but if you find shit, that's when you stop being an optimist, it is what it is no matter how long and hard you stare at it.

5 second rule, remember? all it takes is a deep breath to accept the fact that some things are just the way the are and it's not gonna change the harder you think they will. Why waste an eternity thinking about it and waiting? Brush it off your hands and get over it.

What I'd give to actually live by those words, can it be possible to be a pessimist and a hypocrite? If I tell myself that for 5 seconds, would it change anything?

I should get back to work, I think I'm wasting precious time again.

[unpublishedinkstains]

Mahirap ang Salitang "Kapatawaran" isinulat ni | Unpublished Inkstains 🪶

Kinailangan kong matutunan ang mga bagay na alam ko ngayon, sa daang malubak at puno ng mga matatalim na bato. Sa daan kung saa'y ilang beses na 'kong nadapa, nagasgasan, tumaob, at tumiklop. Minsa'y naisip ko na baka'y hindi ako tao, baka halamang makahiya lang talaga ako. Sa sobrang maselan, konting hangin ay biglang magtatago, matagal pero malala ang pagkakilala ko sa salitang "takot."

Mga pagkakamali sa buhay na naka-ukit sa balat ko, mga kasalanan alam kong 'di mabubura, kahit ilang beses labhan at kusutin 'to. 'Di mababago ng oras ang mga bagay na nangyari, sa aking pag lakad ko natutunan na 'di lahat pwedeng mabawi.

Sa oras na 'to, malamang kinakain nanaman ako ng aking konsensya, bakit ko nga ba nagawa ang mga bagay na talagang hindi sinadya? Sa daang pagpapatawad lagi nalang naiiwas, o 'di kaya'y ako yung mismong tinataguan ng kalsadang matagal ko nang nais daanan.

[unpublishedinkstains]

What Will It Rain Next? by | Unpublished Inkstains 🪶

I've seen skies turn gray before my very eyes. It's weird how I try to break free from chains that aren't even tied, but you feel the cold metal burning through your skin. My eyes are wide-open and everything is at arm's reach but this universe isn't built the way we thought it'd be.

Down on this cold, cemented, hard ground, everyone either has a mask or a ragged paper bag with holes for eyes. Tied on their left hand, a thread so thin that connects to the sky as if it were puppet strings. Are we afraid to lose our way if we break free? Will clouds pour its wrath on anyone who tries to flee?

Some are nomads, strings no longer attached. They walk the earth freely trusting gravity has their back. But it's clear to see that their masks have noticeable cracks...

In a give-and-take world of cause and effect, you could give much of everything but you don't know what's gonna swing back.

[unpublishedinkstains]

Random Inkstain #03

I haven’t been getting sleep lately as I take a sip on my overused coffee cup, my brain feels alive but all it ever thinks about is white noises and the TV static. Should this concern me? Maybe, but not right now. I wanna see where this goes or if the cable will come back on. What channel will I see when I get the signal back?

I feel puzzled, is this feeling a sign or a clue? I wish sherlock was real ‘cause I’d honestly ask him too. I start to stare at my hands often, I’m not sure if I’m feeling them there anymore. Watching as each finger wiggles brings me to a state of shock, I never knew I could do that without feeling anything at all.

Is this what it’s like to drift away from the real world? I think I’ve already done this before. But then again, now that I think of it, I don’t remember being able to feel this way unless I was fast asleep.

[unpublishedinkstains]

Sa Loob ng Ilang Minuto by | Unpublished Inkstains 🪶

Saan ako mapapadpad? buhat-buhat ng mga malalambing na alon ng dagat, mahigpit na nakayakap sa aking katawang unti-unting kumakalas. Nakalutang sa gitna o kung saan man 'to banda, nakatulala sa mga ulap na sumasayaw sa aking harapan. Paano nga ba napunta dito? Siguro nananaginip lang ako pero 'di ako sigurado.

Parang ilang taon na akong nakahiga sa piling ng karagatan, ngunit 'di nagiging balat-pasas. Pero kung sa bagay, ang mga panaginip nga nama'y parang napakatagal na panahon ang dumadaan bago ka magising sa sinag ng kinabukasan. Kung totoo nga, ayaw ko munang magising. Ngayon ko nalang ulit naramdaman ang simoy ng hangin, sa aking pag hinga nang malalim ay walang mga tinik na sumasabit.

'Kay tagal na, sobrang tagal na. Noong huli akong pumikit nang 'di natatakot i-mulat ang mga matang ilang taong pinag-piyestahan ng mga ipis at daga.

Ayaw ko munang umalis, pero aahon din ako. Hayaan muna ang batang mag tampisaw, sulitin ang bawat natitirang segundo bago madumihan muli ng buhangin na di maiiwasang apakan at makakasalubong din naman 'to...

Pagka-ahon na pagka-ahon.

[unpublishedinkstains]

Binago ng Pagbabago by | Unpublished Inkstains 🪶

Lahat tayo may aparador sa ating mga buhay kung saan may nakatagong kalansay, lahat ng mga butong pilit nating tinatago sa mundo. Maiintindihan ba nila kahit sabihin ko ang totoo?

Bago maging ang aking hubog at anyo, aaminin ko maraming humadlang at sitwasyong pilit akong binago. Mula sa ugat ng bawat hibla ng aking buhok hanggang sa dumi sa ilalim ng aking mga kuko, maaari nga na baka sa aking nakaraang buhay ay masasabing paniki ako.

Sa pagbago ng aking isipan, sumabay na din ang aking hitsura. Sa oras na muli man ako makita...

Pangako—at sisiguraduhin ko na hindi na ako muling makikilala.

[unpublishedinkstains]

Something in My Eye by | Unpublished Inkstains 🪶

Is there really something beyond that horizon we can’t seem to take our eyes off of? Sometimes I think that’s the glimpse of light I see in between the branches of trees and what seeps through the tiny gaps of buildings that stain the busy streets. I’m no fan of fate, and miracles don’t usually go my way but that playful light peeking through is the only thing that tells me otherwise.

Like a moth drawn to a flame, my curiosity burns bright. It’s taunting me, constantly asking “Don’t you wanna see what’s on the other side?”

Is this what people meant when they say they caught something in their eye? If so, why do they blink it off or scratch until they see stars that hover and float? I can never really truly comprehend the frightening beauty of the beyond, that of those who dare to grasp it never really live long enough to tell the tale of such.

Am I too inclined within the radius of my own comfort zone? or do I fear being far from familiarity?

Maybe I’ll find the answers to that as I slowly get used to staring at the light that fill in these gaps.

[unpublishedinkstains]

Random Inkstain #02

They say everything turns around at some point but right now, I’m not sure if I’m the one going in circles or I’ve just lost the path to the right route. Everything seems so familiar that you don’t wanna move from where you’re standing, but I don’t really wish to become a burden — heavy enough that I need other people finding me, ‘cause the thought of being a nuisance is just as good as being dead weight entirely.

What is it about time that turns us into selfish beings? Time makes us wiser they say, but they never mentioned the cold decay. They never mentioned that getting lost ever so frequently was considered part of your every day. The constant chills and shivers are something like vitamins that we had to take when we were younger, I didn’t know that kind of routine — until this point — would still be a thing that I would bring. Being drenched in your own sweat but still shaking uncontrollably, these are one of the many things people say would happen normally.

I’ve been walking on this path for quite sometime, I’ve passed the same tree I’ve marked 3 times. Am I lost or was this bound to happen? maybe if I squint my eyes a little more, I’ll finally see where I should be walking.

[unpublishedinkstains]

Not-so-Comfort Zone by | Unpublished Inkstains 🪶 

 I thought the sense of familiarity felt like home, I thought it would make you feel confident everywhere you go. That’s what I thought as I brushed my doll’s crunched up and knotted hair, pondering the idea of when it hits me when I get there.

Now it’s 3 in the morning and I’m being pushed in a corner, but the funny thing about it is that I’m out here in the open. No corners to be pushed in, no walls to be held against, it’s just me and myself and this shadow I wish I could get along with. I shudder behind these curtains that could barely stop the light from trespassing my room that I constantly sink in and beg for comfort to.

Comfort has its consequences, one of the things I learned the hard way. One of the things that hit me as I learned to tie my shoelaces.

[unpublishedinkstains]

That of What I Fear the Most by | unpublishedinkstains  🪶

I do not shiver to those that breathe and those that no longer, I do not run from the dangers that follow.

I do not scream to those that crawl, to some that fly, swim, and huddle. I fear the man who has my thoughts, he who controls what is written on my palm, the one who has hold of how I do and am. This thing that I see in this broken glass mirror, This thing that stands, This thing that I am.

[unpublishedinkstains]

Sukatan ng Kabuluhan by | Unpublished Inkstains 🪶

Kapag dumating ang araw na sumakto ang kamay ng orasan at ang unang puting buhok ay tumubo't mamunga na Doon ko na ba masasabi sa mundo at sa aking sarili ang katagang: "Nandito na ako sa aking kinaroroonan" kahit ang aking mga palad ay walang kalyo't mga sugat?

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(un)Happy Halloween by | Unpublished Inkstains 🪶 Is it strange that I'm not a fan of sugar-coated treats? that sweetness makes me sick? and candy slits my throat literally? with my teeth tainted with shades of burgundy am I a fool for saying "no" for refusing the such delicacies that others crave so much for? Why is it that others enjoy such things how come they don't bleed as much as I did? Can they not feel the sting? do they not bleed internally? Or perhaps I've gone trick or treating on the wrong side of the county where people wear masks that conceal their real identities.

You made my everyday into an unforgettable, bloody Halloween.