Love is essential, gregariousness is optional.

I hope my writings relate to you one way or another because you are not alone in this world.

[weltenwellen]

Wislawa Szymborska, from “Nothing’s a Gift”, View with a Grain of Sand: Selected Poems

[weltenwellen]

Franny Choi, from "The Mantis Shrimp Speaks"

[unrequitedsadness]

Four years since I first laid my eyes on you,

two since I begged you with every ounce of my love to not

leave me,

one since the day I allowed you to break my heart twice.

quite the conundrum, isn’t it? yet till this day, I still can’t find it in me to hate you. from the eye of an outsider, it really does seem you’re giving her everything I had to work so ever hard for. they say the last stage of grieving over a relationship is acceptance but all I could think of right now is if you’ve ever truly loved me.

where do I begin?

how do I even start? you stole my heart so many times just to carelessly crush it. the lies you told just to minimise the cruelty of your actions. the promises you made just to break them endlessly. you were many things. a compulsive liar, a manipulator, a horrible partner. but you were also my first love, my world. the love of my life.

you were so so many things and yet the only thing I needed you to be was a fighter. to fight for us. to fight for me. that was everything I wanted.

you were the first to leave, never the first to run back. the first to love, never the first to stay. you were nonchalant. hell, even infuriating. you will never chase. not in the way I would have needed you to. we were always in this viscous cycle, one where we mistake toxicity as passionate love. where I would call when the waves of loneliness hit. where you would call when you need a fix. we were each other’s poison.

until I decided you’re not. the last time we spoke, it left me crying at the bus station. it was two days before Christmas and it was raining awfully heavily. we had already broken up but on that very day, I left you. and that was it. that’s the end of us.

and now you’ve moved on. you found someone new and she’s getting everything I begged you for. the adventures you promised, the courtship I never had, the embraces I pleaded for.

the love you couldn’t give me.

you seem like you would fight for her. and knowing that, stung.

and that leads to this burning question: have you ever loved me? was it love or was it purely just a trauma bond? were they butterflies or was my stomach tied in knots? where did our romance go?

Four years since I last fell in love,

two since I first got my heart broken,

and zero since the day I allowed myself to love someone again.

- I can pretend it doesn’t hurt, but I could never pretend I don’t love you.

[unrequitedsadness]

I dreamt of you yesterday and it was nothing like sunflowers blooming during springtime or completing a bucket list during summer; it was everything like dark clouds forming in the once sunny blue sky which is now gray and gloomy; like regretting not preparing for an exam, the feeling of guilt and regret haunting you; like dark eye circles caused by you running through my mind at 3am every night and memories of us making out, cooking, laughing at each other’s silliness and just simply spending quality time with each other. We used to paint the sky in vibrant colours together but ever since you’re gone, I’m only left with gray paint. You were everything that made the cells in my body light up. You ignited a spark in me, which soon became a scorching hot fire. No doubt, it pushed me to overcome my fears and weaknesses but when you left, when you left, you forgot to put out the undying fire in me and now I’m burning. My skin burnt from a touch from anyone who isn’t you, my heart burnt from seeing you with her. You took all of the colours from me, leaving me with gray. You ignited a spark which you didn’t put out, leaving me with ashes. You took everything from me and I’m running out of gray paint soon.

- you were the colours in my life but you’re gone and I’m left with gray.

[unrequitedsadness]

Why is it always the people we hold close to our hearts the ones to break us? I gave you my heart because love does these things to people and now I know that was a mistake. You didn’t love me the way I did for you and that’s okay because you can let me know that we are not compatible as a couple and just simply return my heart to me. But you didn’t. You chose to break and dispose it like it meant nothing to you. You made me feel like it’s my fault for falling in love with you and everything about that is so wrong. How can you be so cruel? How can you treat me like this when all this while I did everything I could to give you the best. Do you not remember the times I cabbed down because you desperately needed someone? Do you not remember the nights we spent under the stars talking about our ambitions? Because I remember. And I’ll always remember how you took me for granted. How you tore my heart in pieces like my feelings didn’t matter to you. I gave you my heart because I trusted you but I guess that’s on me because I never knew you were this cruel.

-You’re the mistake I wish I didn’t make.

[unrequitedsadness]

“I care about you.” do you really? where were you when my heart shattered into broken pieces as the skin on my wrists tore apart. where were you when I was screaming so loudly to shut the voices in my head with blood trickling down my earlobes because I unintentionally dug my fingernails into the back of my ears. where were you when I was gasping for air trying to breathe in as much oxygen as possible because I couldn’t breathe. I was crying too hard. where were you when my fingernails dug into my palms as I bit every part of my lip. and now my lips are bloody and chapped. and my palms are filled with moon like shapes only to realise that they’re not in yellow, they’re in red. where were you when I needed someone to hold me close to save me from swallowing the pills that I secretly kept in my jacket pocket. where were you when I wanted to kill myself because everything is too much for me. I feel too much and I get hurt all the time. where were you. you said you cared so why weren’t you there. and you blamed me for my own loneliness because you said I tend to keep pushing people away and that my trust issues are an obstacle in a relationship and a friendship. but what you don’t understand is you are the one causing me to be this damaged. to be this skeptical. you said you cared but your actions didn’t match with your words. i needed you and you weren’t there. so I stopped expecting. stop expecting you to catch me when I fall. and now I’m getting used to falling and catching myself. you said you cared. do you really?

- maybe you really did care. but all I know is that you didn’t care enough.

[unrequitedsadness]

I used to think that as long as you give in your all to someone, that person will not have any reason to leave. And so I gave every part of me to you and that was a terrible mistake. I treated you like you’re the last piece of diamond in the world and you treated me like a small insignificant star in your galaxy. You took advantage of my love for you and that was the only reason you stayed. You needed someone to tell you how great and amazing you were. You needed someone to pick up the phone or even cab over to find you in the middle of the road because you were so drunk. You needed a person to be there for you when everyone is angry at you because you fucked up. You needed someone to love you even though deep down you know a selfish person like you will never love her back- and you still selfishly let her naively and stupidly love you like you’re the only oxygen tank left in her world. And that person you needed was me. I thought you stayed because you appreciate my love and that you love me for who I am but no. You loved me because I never fail to fix your broken heart. And once I’m done fixing you, you don’t need me anymore so you treated me like a trash you were waiting to take out. And this breaks my heart because little do you know I am broken inside too but I chose to cast that aside and picked up your shattered pieces even though my hands bled when I tried fixing you. I loved you so much I didn’t want you to be in pain so I chose to relieve the pain you felt by taking away your pain and keeping it all in me. And now I’m so broken I don’t know how to help myself. Falling in love with you was a mistake I wish I didn’t make but I would be lying if I said it wasn’t the best mistake because it made me see the bad in you. All along I thought you were the light I needed in my life and I only see the good in you because love is blind. But now I see your true colours and it hurts to know the truth. It hurts to know that I’m just someone who is only there to take away your pain and to make you feel good about yourself. You only need me when you have no one else and I am never going to be okay with that.

-why did I choose to keep saving you when I couldn’t even save myself?

[unrequitedsadness]

I don’t exactly remember how it feels like to be happy. Temporariness seems to be the only thing that is constant in my life right now and the people who I love are no longer a part of my life. I gave pieces of my heart to people who have only decided to be in my life for a good time and not a long time and I guess that is the reason why many parts of myself are missing which led to me being a broken masterpiece. The price that I have to pay when I love someone intimidates me so much that I think I’m incapable of love. I can’t love half way. I can’t feel close to you without pouring my deepest secrets and revealing my vulnerable self in front of you. I can’t not fall in love with you after I allowed you to let my guard down completely or even worse, showed you parts of me I have never shown anyone. I think I have lost myself this time and I doubt I can ever piece myself back together like how I used to do so. There are just so many missing pieces disposed by people who I thought were worth it and I regret it. I regret giving them a piece of me because now I’m lost and they aren’t here to help piece me back. I don’t think I’ll ever learn to care or love anyone again because I won’t ever want to put myself through losing someone and having to put myself together even though no matter how hard I tried, the pieces just won’t match and in the end I’m still broken. I’m so tired of losing people who I risked caring and loving for. I’m so tired of losing pieces of myself because of my inability to love and care for one without letting it consume me.

-I love hard and I lose myself because of that.

[unrequitedsadness]

You’re the poison I didn’t mind consuming. Deep down I know one day you will tear my heart in two just like how everyone carelessly did, but I won’t stop you. You will leave all of a sudden without a warning and I’ll be picking up the pieces of my shattered heart while telling myself you’re the best I ever had but I won’t beg for you to stay. How often do we follow our hearts and fight for what we want? You came into my life and unknowingly impacted me. You made me laugh even when I didn’t feel like breathing that day. You planted roses in my heart even though I didn’t have a garden in it to begin with. You healed me in a way I thought no one else could because I am the master of my own healing. But right now you possess the ability to both heal and hurt me and this is why everything is so complicated. See, the thing about one-sided attachment is that one is bound to get hurt and in this context, me. To you, I am just a wilted rose lying in your fresh daisies and roses filled garden. In other words, I am too emotionally damaged for you and you are not ready for me. I am completely fine with that. But what you need to know is that I don’t get over heartbreaks, I get used to them. Giving you the ability to hurt me was inevitable because one cannot possible control her feelings which is why I don’t regret it. I don’t regret giving you a part of me even though you didn’t want it. I don’t regret pushing everything aside just to be the only rose in your garden. I don’t regret letting you know I am broken because I healed a little and the credit goes to you. You can hurt me because I am attached to you, but that’s all you’re going to get from me.

-I’ll never be yours.

[unrequitedsadness]

My life is a canvas and people in it paint on them. It was painted a vibrant yellow colour resembling a sunflower with a tinge of orangness like the sun before he painted every inch of it black. Everything was drowned by that colour so it remained black for a few months, until I met you. When I first laid my eyes on you, I thought to myself, ‘whose masterpiece is that?’ You captivated all of my attention, filling small patches of yellow dots on the canvas. The first time you spoke to me, it felt as though someone removed a partial part of the black area on the canvas. I felt free, like a stone off my chest. And that was when I knew you were the yellow paint I’ve been searching for. You were everything I needed, to get myself back. But to you, I’m merely just another black canvas for you to paint on. You left your yellow paint in me and now I look like a broken masterpiece.

-you weren’t there to catch me.

[unrequitedsadness]

I miss being in love with you.

[unrequitedsadness]

Will unrequited love ever be fair? Will I ever accept the fact that you’ll never be mine? I’ve spent so much time writing about you and I’m not okay with it. How is it fair that you’re always on my mind and I’m never on yours? How is it fair when my eyes water upon hearing that you kissed someone whom isn’t me? I am in love with you and I get jealous and protective of you, even when I’m not supposed to because you were never mine to begin with. And I can’t help it but to hate myself for loving you because you’ll never look at me the way I looked at you and you’ll never write about me the way I’m writing about you now. This one-sided love is suffocating me and there’s nothing I can do about it except to remind myself that you’re not worth my time. You’re not worth the amount of time I spent thinking about you, the number of poems I’m writing about you and the things I would do for you. But, I’ll still do them for you anyways because i can’t decide who I love. I can only hope that one day, I’ll get over you and you’ll realise how in love I was with you and you’ll regret not loving me back. Maybe one day that will happen. Because there will definitely be a time when I finally forget about you and your eyes will water when you recall my name.

-unrequited love

[unrequitedsadness]

Are we all meant to fall in love with someone we can never be with? Is this a lesson life is teaching us? If it is, I wouldn’t want to learn. I don’t want to fall in love with someone whom I know will never love me back the way I did for him. I don’t want to look for him in a room filled with art because he’s the only masterpiece I’m in love with. I don’t want to risk everything for him because I know I will. I will cast everything else aside if he ever need someone urgently. I will do everything I can just to see him smile and I hate it. I desperately hate that I am so madly in love with a boy who treats me like a toy. I am so mad that he will never look for me in a room filled with masterpieces because I’m not the type of painting he likes. I am so mad that when I’m crying in the bar, he’s making love to the girl he met a few hours ago on the bed he used to gently lay me on, the place where he would shower me with lies disguised as kisses. I always tell myself I deserved better but I wouldn’t believe it because the next thing I know, I‘m on a cab, on my way to his place at 4am because he misses me. One sentence is all it takes for me to completely let my guard down and run back to him. I’m just his toy but he’s my entire universe. And I’m not okay with that.

-if falling in love was a lesson

[unrequitedsadness]

Isn’t it ironic? We ignore the ones who adore us yet adore the ones who ignore us; we love the ones who hurt us yet hurt the ones who love us.

[unrequitedsadness]

When people leave, they don’t actually leave your life completely. They left the present yet continue to appear in the future because a part of them never fail to linger behind the back of your mind. I guess that’s what hurt most because you’ll never forget the reason why they left you. You’ll never forget the way your heart shattered and that sickening feeling in your tummy when you remember they’re never going to be part of your life again. They’ll only exist in the memories segment in your mind. You’ll never forget the amount of time missing them, hoping you have the ability to turn back the clock just to undo the mistakes you’ve made so they will stay. You’ll never forget the nights you spent feeling desolated and worthless. Wet pillows and stained wrists. All you can do is to dream of them staying in your life but when you wake up, you’ll realise the happiness you felt in your dreams was short-lived. Because they’ll never be back again and I guess that’s what messes people up the most——the inability to make things right again.

[unrequitedsadness]

Even if you don’t love me the way I did for you, i don’t care. I just want to feel your body against mine again. I want your breath against my neck, telling me how much you want me. I want you to touch me in a way only you are capable of making me feel. Even if you don’t love me, I know you’ll pretend because we both never fail to get so caught up in the moment. We were so into physical intimacy that we deceived each other; I thought there was a chance that you’re actually in love me and you thought you are in love with me too until the moment is over. My body is like a map and you’ve been to every destination on it. If I could ask for one thing right now, it’d be for you to stay on that destination a little longer before moving on again. I want you back. I hate to admit it but I am so in love with you. So even if you don’t love me, just come back to me and let me love you.

[unrequitedsadness]

When every tissue in my body rejected you like how they rejected a harmful substance, I unknowingly found my heart yearning for you. When everyone told me to not get too close to you, I unknowingly poured the deepest secrets that were hidden deep beneath the strong facade I possess to you. When you proved to me you only want me for my body, I unknowingly convinced myself that it was a lie and that there’s so much more to me than just an hourglass figure. And when you left, a part of me unknowingly died a little. Because when the entire universe warned me about you, I thought I’ll be smart enough to not fall for your trap. I thought I was on the upper hand and that this time, it wasn’t you in control. But here I am finding myself on the bed you gently lay other girls onto, doing the same thing you did to them, to me. I unknowingly fell for your trap because I unknowingly fell in love with you.