Forget setting lower expectations
… why set expectations at all?
People often say we should lower our expectations to avoid disappointment. This makes a lot of sense to people… don’t expect too much and you’ll more easily achieve what you expect. It’s the path of least emotional volatility. and that’s good.
… or is it? Isn’t it sad to lower your expectations? When you do this, “expectations” become synonymous with “standards” – and I would certainly rebel against anyone who suggests lowering my standards!
but there’s another way to look at it: Why set expectations at all?
I recently went to an all-day workshop event. During a break, one of the organizers and I were chatting when he asked
“Is the workshop living up to your expectations?”
A very standard question, but I was taken aback for a second and didn’t know how to answer. After a few moments, I recovered and stammered out the truthful, but rather un-eloquent response of
“Well I guess so – but I didn’t really have any expectations… But its great and I’m really enjoying it!”
It wasn’t a conscious decision, but it seems over the years that I’ve developed the habit of not forming expectations. I hadn’t realized it, but now that I’ve had a chance to reflect on it, I think it’s a good thing.
In yogic theory, we talk about the “kleshas”**. Klesha simply means obstacle or affliction – the inborn hindrances we have that hold us back. There are 5 kleshas – wrong understanding, fear, selfishness, hatred and attachment. Part of the reason to practice yoga, according to yogic theory, is to reduce the effect of the kleshas in holding us back. By doing yoga, we can slowly overcome our limitations.
Sounds wonderful, doesn’t it?
Now a little disclaimer: Theory is theory. You may buy into it or not. You may be able to identify with an element of it, or not. And that’s the beauty of it – it’s completely up to you. For those of us that love to intellectualize, it gives us something to work with.
But lets not get carried away – even Pattabhi Jois, the father of modern day Ashtanga, is famously quoted as saying “Yoga is 99% practice and 1% theory.” So there isn’t exactly an overwhelming amount of pressure for a yoga practitioner to subscribe to the “right” theories or believe in only the “right” things. Your own experience will teach you what you need to know.
Coming back to the point – expectations are just a form of the last klesha, the limitation of “attachment.”
On one hand, setting goals or ambitions can be highly motivational and give you something to aspire to. It’s the land of positive momentum and second chances. You’re always looking ahead and you’ll keep trying until you get there. And this is a good thing.
Expectations, on the other hand, are harder and less flexible. When you develop expectations, you somehow become much more emotionally attached to this expected outcome. Achieving anything more than your expectation creates a high, a source of pride and may even make your day or week. Achieving anything less than your expectation is a disappointment and is just not good enough. It might actually ruin your day, your mood or even your sense of momentum. “Did not meet expectations” can be a very bone-chilling evaluation, whether in your personal or professional life.
Life is bumpy. Things happen. You win some, you lose some. You may perform better or you may perform worse. Friends can be doting or distant. At times, it seems rare for things to go as planned. There are so many variables to that affect the events in our lives, and here’s the real heart of it: We have very little control over most of these variables.
So why attach expectation to things that you can’t control?
If you expected expensive presents when you met your spouse for your anniversary dinner and all you got was a Hallmark card with a memory or a joke inside, are you disappointed? Would you be disappointed if you hadn’t gone so far as to formulate an expectation of a present exchange?
Why not take a step back and see where we can take out some of the burdensome aspects of our lives?
We can just look forward to an event or change in our lives without setting expectations for exactly how it will be when we get there.
Things will just be as they are. Most of the time, we don’t need to know exactly what that means in advance. There is beauty in just going with the flow.
We can evaluate our situations based purely on the experience we have and how we feel about it when we arrive at that moment. In doing so, we smooth out our experiences, smooth out our emotional rollercoaster rides and smooth out life in general. Cooooool.
It’s certainly easier said than done, but an idea worth thinking about…
** Kleshas come from the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, which for the non-yogis out there is a set of almost 200 sentences, organized into 4 chapters or books, which are meant to guide a yoga practitioner in yogic thoughts and behaviours.
* reprinted with permission from kimberleystokes.com
