Always Keep Fighting

This is my blog where I document my daily thoughts and emotions while dealing with BPD, Anorexia, Bipolar 1 & GAD

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The air today feels like a crisp fall 2016 day. It’s a good day.

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No one:

Absolutely no one:

My dad: (Knows I have police trauma)

Me: Tells him I’m struggling

My dad: Picks up the phone, calls the non emergency number and says “Can you have a couple of squad cars sent out, my daughter is suicidal”

Me: 😳🤯😱🤢

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The high that I get twice a day from just taking my prescribed dose of Clonazepam is enough to make me want to double the dose cuz it’s the only time I feel calm and okay with life. And if I could get more fucked up that be amazing. Shit am I now going to be a drug addict🤯

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I’m so completely and utterly in love with him and it’s scary...

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Love is SO fucking scary especially when you have bpd

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Brah I just want to see my boyfriend, is that too much to fucking ask?!

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Bruh I can’t believe all of the diagnoses that’s been thrown at me over the years: Generalized anxiety disorder, Major depressive disorder, Trichotillomania, Dysthymia, Bulimia Nervosa, Bipolar 1 disorder, Obsessive compulsive disorder, Borderline personality disorder, Dissociative and conversion disorder, Social anxiety disorder, Panic disorder, Anorexia Nervosa, and Post traumaatic stress disorder. Like wtf that’s WHACK

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Fuck you. Fuck you for ever pretending like you gave a shit. You promised me that we would “Always stay in touch” and you STRESSED to email you whenever and to give you updates because you like to hear from me and they “Make your day”. Truth is you never really cared at all. So fuck you

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I miss my fp so much it hurts so bad!

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My dad and my therapist: You should really go inpatient to get your meds sorted out

Me: Yeah you’re right. I really need to!

Me, a day later realizing they will make me eat in the middle of an Anorexia relapse:

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My mood before my fp emailed me saying he hopes I come visit sometime:

My mood after:

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Me: Calls my therapist after hours in a crisis

My borderline thoughts 2 hours later: Oh my god he hates you. You’re just a burden to him and he’s gonna give up on you. Watch, next session he’ll say “You’re too much for me” or “I can’t help you anymore.” Because all you are is a problem to him and he’s sick and tired of you!

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My dietician wants me to call an inpatient facility like right away. She said she can’t help me and I’ve lost too much weight since I last saw her. Help I don’t want to go back to treatment!

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*Me calling my therapist after hours In a crisis*

Me: I want to kill myself

Therapist: Ok we have 2 options here either you tell your parents to lock up your meds or I call the police to come do a welfare check

Me: I’m not telling my parents

Therapist: Well then I want you to be safe so legally...

Me:

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I literally feel like such a burden when I call my therapist after hours when I’m in a crisis. I feel so bad like he’s probably with his family just chilling and now he has to deal with my borderline ass ugh

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So I went to residential treatment for my ed this summer and did really well, then came home and went back into a downward spiral. And I’m convinced it’s because my fp abandoned me in June. I literally cry about it every single damn day! So if anyone has any tips on how to get over a fp lmk cuz ur girl is going through it:(

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I had therapy today and we spent the whole session talking about sex and how I should probably stop getting validation from men on tinder. Also my therapist straight up used the phrase “Netflix & Chill” at one point. Like ok Patrick flex your teen slang on me like that lmao